APPLE PRETENDS TO INVENT: iPad special report
Last night’s iPad launch was the finest episode of APPLE PRETENDS TO INVENT yet. It was the blockbuster, feature-length season finale of APPLE PRETENDS TO INVENT, in which Apple pulled out all the stops and pretended to invent… pretty much everything.
Including but not limited to:
- The Internet
- Web pages
- Video games
- Laptop computers
- Books
- Magazines
- Online video
It was incredible seeing Steve Jobs sitting there with his iPad, saying “It’s amazing being able to sit here and access the internet!” in a really enthusiastic voice, like he was mainly trying to convince himself or like he’d completely missed out on ever seeing a laptop or modern mobile phone.
And still no multitasking? People use laptops all the time nowadays, Steve, even women do this with EASE, with MSN, Twitter clients, web pages, MP3 players, streaming music services and the like all open at once – if the iPad can’t do that, it’s even more of a step backwards than most Apple products.
And remember this? No. Exactly. Seeing experienced tech people saying iPad is a “game changer” today is a bit cringeworthy. It’s a hobbled laptop, or a phone too big to bother taking outside. At least it’s not $1999.
filed in ACTUAL PRODUCTS on Jan.28, 2010
January 28th, 2010 on 11:22 am
So, um, it’s a tablet pc?
Is that it? I thought everyone had decided they were crap years ago? Odd thing about those is they always made me think they were like a bulkier Apple Newton (only with better handwriting recognition), so they could possibly start marketing this as the next generation Apple Newton?
wow.
January 28th, 2010 on 11:27 am
It’s OK, the Apple fan web designer army will all buy one, so it’ll at least break even.
January 28th, 2010 on 11:40 am
It’s not going to fit in my ipod dock/ipod speakers, so I’m not interested.
I expect they’ll be able to use them as instore stock checking and receipt emailing widgets for the apple stores if they don’t sell and end up with warehouses full of them.
January 28th, 2010 on 12:02 pm
This reminds me of when Nintendo announced the DS. Oh, wait…
January 28th, 2010 on 12:13 pm
They could do a bulk deal with GAP. Place one unsold iPad unit outside the changing room of each store, for “men” to use while they wait for their girlfriends to squeeze themselves into the wrong size of jeans.
January 28th, 2010 on 12:25 pm
Congratulations! You are the one millionth blog to write the same criticism of the iPad. You win a netbook.
January 28th, 2010 on 1:02 pm
It looks eminently droppable, with it’s sickening clinical smoothness and general lack of handles. Perhaps someone will invent a ‘sock’ for it. How many people do you reckon are working on a Star Trek The Next Generation style LCARS interface for it as I type.
It’s sickenigly pathetic how much I want this to fail.
January 28th, 2010 on 1:26 pm
Didn’t Geordie in ST:TNG often have a similar tablet style device? Don’t recall ever seeing anyone drop one of those (not that I’m saying it never happened, just that I don’t recall seeing it happen)
Wonder if they had usb ports, memory card slots, support for flash or the ability to do more than one thing at a time?
Sorry, sorry, I’m just saying what everyone else has been saying again, aren’t I? Must try harder. How about “What games can it play? I believe it’s being referred to as ‘game changing’ and Apple have always been great when it comes to having the latest games, like Marathon and Myst. And Peter Gabriel’s Xplorer the last I recall. So this must really kick some arse in those regards, yes?”
January 28th, 2010 on 1:33 pm
I think the bigger story here is Apple moving away from a hand model. Remember that manly hand attached to the iPhone? Clearly, the hand made the iPhone successful so why ditch it. Not even a finger here = doomed.
And,idiot, your coverage is borderline current tech blog fodder now. My, my, how low we stoop.
January 28th, 2010 on 2:20 pm
Looking forward to some photos of cheap Chinese/Korean copies of iPads being held by (cheap?) Chinese/Korean ladies featuring in the blog soon.
January 28th, 2010 on 3:29 pm
Heh heh heh. iPad. For that time of the month…
johnnytruant said:
January 28th, 2010 on 2:20 pm
Looking forward to some photos of cheap Chinese/Korean copies of iPads being held by (cheap?) Chinese/Korean ladies featuring in the blog soon.
They won’t be holding them matey. Does it fit comfortably into a handbag? *sniggers*
January 28th, 2010 on 3:29 pm
So, they ripped the keyboard off all the MacBook Airs they didn’t sell and stuck a touch screen on it?
I have no love for Apple, none at all. I’m so good at avoiding trends it has become second nature and I don’t even notice the complex society hating processes that take place in my mind when presented with something popular these days.
The only thing that makes it possibly interesting to me is the ebook side of things. I would much rather buy this and have a computer that can also be intuitively used as a replacement for a book, than the Kindle which seems to be based on original GameBoy technology. I think you have a problem when your virtual book can’t even mimic white.
The iPad is 1024×768. I don’t know if that resolution is high enough to consider it a book replacement. Apparently, the DPI is similar to that of the PSP and I would consider that too low to read, certainly at a normal font size you’d find in any book not aimed at the partially sited. But your average Apple drone doesn’t even consider these things, they are preached to with terms like ‘hi-res’ and ‘fast’.
I also absolutely hate the idea of being tied to proprietary Apple file types or ever having to even install iTunes.
eBooks readers are the future, but the first generation iPad is certainly not answer. As for all the other shit it can do, I can’t comment on. I have honestly never felt the need to watch a movie while taking a shit in an aeroplane. Apparently this puts me in the minority.
My local library which is FREE isn’t out of the game just yet.
Stephen Fry, of course, loves it. Because he’s a giant gullible cunt. I’d put that on his Twitter but he might kill himself.
January 28th, 2010 on 3:43 pm
Will it fit inside my i360 for when I’m doing skateboardering an’ that?
January 28th, 2010 on 7:03 pm
iSad :(
January 28th, 2010 on 7:23 pm
I’d rather get an Archos 9.
January 28th, 2010 on 7:26 pm
@GigerPunk: Reginald Barclay probably dropped one while looking at Counselor Troi’s arse. That happened off screen, though. I feel an erotic fanfic coming on…
Also, the iPad would be shit for reading books. Staring at a white screen for ages is a lot harder on the eyes than staring at a white bit of paper. That’s why the kindle uses “Game Boy” technology (not that I’m defending that pointless piece of tat). I bet the iPad has shit battery life, too.
January 28th, 2010 on 7:55 pm
I stare at a white screen all day and only have minor, permanent optical/mental damage.
I don’t know, I give up. I don’t understand anything Apple do. But it does have the stench of a personality cult. And whatever the fuck the iPad does or doesn’t do, it isn’t fucking “magical”. I can turn off all my cynicism, practice loving kindness meditation for 3 hours and still not think of a big iphone as magical. A load of capitalist, hippie, bullshit. At least Microsoft just sell you software and don’t dress it up as some kind of fucking lifestyle choice.
I’m making myself angry again.
January 28th, 2010 on 8:48 pm
Dick, I’m with you matey. 100%. I might even update my long dormant, lasted two minutes, visited by no-one, blog, with a post praising you.
Though, I must admit, watching a movie whilst taking a shit does sound quite appealing.
January 28th, 2010 on 9:37 pm
Stephen Fry’s blog on the matter is prize horse shit. He even says that the thing being beautiful “is enough”. Someone should send a roof slate to comfort him during the wait for its release.
It isn’t beautiful, it’s a rectangle. The lid/screen of my laptop is as beautiful, i.e. not beautiful. Is an Etch-A-Sketch beautiful?
Oscar Wilde wasn’t that much of an aesthete. Christ, even particularly girly 6 year old girls aren’t.
January 28th, 2010 on 10:47 pm
Fry got flown out to the event and was bought a frappucino by Jobs, of course he likes it. A lot of people are going to have to change their internet identities out of shame in two years time, when this dies a death.
I hope.
January 29th, 2010 on 1:15 am
Yawns at you all… slating something you’ve never used.
January 29th, 2010 on 5:06 am
Quite frankly I’m disappointed that there’s not an option for a dance pad app.
http://www.biblicalstrategy.com/images/dance_praise_dance_pad.gif
January 29th, 2010 on 8:51 am
Underwhelmed. Underpants. That is all.
January 29th, 2010 on 9:42 am
Standing up for something you’ve never used is equally as retarded. Unless you’re Stephen Fry posting anonymously?
January 29th, 2010 on 9:55 am
Think Stephen Fry would’ve found a better pun than ‘slating’
January 29th, 2010 on 10:42 am
I’m very disappointed in Stephen Fry.
I like my iPhone, my Macbook, and the three easily palmed iPods I stole from my friends and family members. But this, I do not like. They better market this hard to new iCustomers, because current Apple users have already had their fill of this product in all it’s previous guises. If there were even one shiny new hardware feature or charming software offering, they might sell like crazy. But it hasn’t, so it won’t.
And no, I do not count iBooks as charming or shiny. I’m sure they’ll do some business via iPhone (once it’s ported), but this display isn’t any better for reading than a good laptop. I use an e-paper device for ebooks because, holy shit, they’re actually as good or better than paper.
What I don’t get is this: Why must the apocalyptic hubris of Apple always take the form of a tablet? Why not a giant marshmallow man or a clown-car or something?
January 29th, 2010 on 12:26 pm
Re: Dick Socrates derogatory comments on Stephen Fry’s vaginal similarities. Couldn’t agree more!
Re: Marimo’s hypothesis that Reg Barclay dropped his pad while looking at Counsellor Troi’s arse. Unlikely as her arse showed clear signs of premature aging (?Progarsia). Now if he had been looking at her tits that would have been a different matter.
Re: the iPad. Who gives a fuck?
January 29th, 2010 on 12:27 pm
Oh dear. An almost mainstream update followed by comments from at least two people that give a shit.
Thank Jesus titty Fucking Christ we’re back to World Series Holding updates.
Now over to UKR…..oh hang on, there’s some cunt with a “4″ instead of an “A” in his name, arguing about what constitutes “1080p”.
January 29th, 2010 on 8:24 pm
I find the prevalence of the word ‘cunt’ in these comments most satisfactory. The word that just keeps giving. To wit: cunt.
January 29th, 2010 on 9:25 pm
“No wireless. Less space than a Nomad. Lame.”
January 30th, 2010 on 10:01 am
I put Steve jobs’ keynote on at work for a laugh and managed 22 mins before having to turn it off because too many people were seething with rage.
When we eventually get our hands on one here I imagine we’ll be gushing all over it. As to what we’ll be gushing is anyone’s guess, but I expect many excuses will be conjured up as we convince ourselves it’s worth it.
I say wait for those sn0w guys to hack it up a bit to use as a rear view mirror in… hang on, someone else already did that with something else, didn’t they?
January 31st, 2010 on 2:22 am
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February 9th, 2010 on 4:12 am
Although this is an exception because this could easily be mistaken for a battery.
June 19th, 2010 on 10:40 pm
Hang on ipad haters! The iPad is going to be huge for Apple, and the competition is already chomping at the bit, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see a new model in 6-12 months to coincide with the OS 4.0 release. We’ve already seen hints of a possible webcam version with iChat.