“Er, my name’s, er, my name’s G… G… my name is G… G… I should be down under G… G…”

And so on. This update is 75% autobiographical and set in the year 1997.

Hope that man is only an optional extra. It would be rather intrusive if you couldn’t take him off when you need to get some work done.

On the plus side, it’s nice to see MSI finally “editorialising” its promotional imagery. It usually sends out blank-screened images of laptops.

Oh yes, you know the combination of “Samsung” and “waterproof camera” can only mean one thing…

It’s the Swimsuit Round!

Don’t panic, the pictures go bigger than this. We’re just using an alternate layout to get out of having to write individual captions for each one.

Although, it shouldn’t be that hard writing captions when you’re allowed to use as many variations of the word “fluid” as you can think of.

“Moist… wet… damp… dripping… spray… spraying… squirt… etc etc”

Swimming in it. Here’s the official text:

Samsung announced on Jun. 14th the launch of its waterproof compact camera WP10 that boasts 12M pixels sensor, 5x optical zoom and 2.7-inch Intelligent LCD.

WP10 has a function of waterproof that withstands up to 3m in the water or dust for an hour. 2.7-inch Intelligent LCD on the back controls the screen brightness in response to changes in the surrounding illumination, allowing vivid images in water and land.

We do like the ones about music. It’s hard to illustrate a man listening to music, so here he is, looking as the empty space where he imagines the sound waves might be:

Incredibly, that unit seems to have been Photoshopped in, as its legs are not producing any shadows. You’d think it would be easier to set this dull scene up in a corner of the office than create it digitally.

Ideal for children. Just put them in, clothes and all.

Give them a fragrant plant to hold, so they emerge smelling fresh. Stronger detergents are available for little boys.

This is what everyone in London thinks they look like:

Obviously didn’t actually fly model to Japan. And we only go back to London for funerals and low-power business meetings these days, so don’t care if we’re due a beating on arrival next time.

The phone is called the LG Mini, the car is a Mini and those dresses are rather mini as well. Girl #3 and girl #5 from L-to-R are both also called Minnie, due to a rise in popularity of the Disney franchises in South Korea during the mid-1980s.

That it. Nice shoes. Wouldn’t complain about getting any of them in some sort of high-class ‘lucky dip’ competition late at night in an LG paid-for hotel suite.

Rather than all individually shake hands and therefore risk someone getting left out amid the confusion, Samsung decided to simply let everyone have a go all at once to ensure each man got a go with each other man.

We’re calling it the OCTOSHAKE.

Guess the key is to not make eye contact with any of the other men, lest it start to feel a little too intimate and warm and comfortable.

Remember video calling? It was a minor fad in the year 2005, when a few high-end mobile phones came with two cameras on them because the mobile networks wanted to make billions of pounds out of us video calling each other for £6.99 per minute.

It didn’t catch on because we’re all actually quite ugly.

That’s not a problem in Apple’s MENTAL PRETEND LAND, where everyone’s got acceptable faces.

You’d think something called the SENS-X170 would be worth buying on impulse. It has to be something nice with a model number like that, surely? They wouldn’t waste an X-designation on something pink and rubbish and for women, would they?

Yes. A tragic waste of an X-designation. It’s a Barbie-endorsed laptop for… for… for troubling grown-up ladies who were so emotionally damaged during childhood they’re still attached to stupid pink things and toys.

BUT WOULD STILL LIKE TO:
Spend half an hour rifling through their personal photographs over the wireless network.