New gadget launched to assist America

iWear has launched its new "iBrella", a portable weather defense system for today's weather-conscious American youths.



iBRELLA SPECS:

- Handle
- Folding 'hood' system
- Patented NoSideOut(TM) technology keeps iBrella rigid in even the stiffest of breezes

Olympus announces SEVEN new digital cameras

Jesus. No way are we downloading and resizing SEVEN images, then editing SEVEN press releases! That's at least five whole minutes of work.

Here's the best two, the SP-350 and SP-310 -- we know they're best because they do the biggest number of megapixels:



They're not as good as the Sony ones, obviously, as the Sony ones come in SILVER.

THIS LINK TO THE PRESS SITE MIGHT WORK:
Olympus - Press Releases

The Archos Gmini 500

Here's a picture of it. We’ve run out of things to say about pocket media players. The initial rush is always replaced by indifference within days, so let's just get straight to indifference with this one:



Look! It's got some sort of screen. It's probably good and also a bit better than others in certain ways. Some gadgets just don't capture the imagination.

ARE THE PEOPLE MAKING IT EXCITED ABOUT IT?
A bit. ARCHOS

Japanese set to "go supersonic" with "scaled experimental supersonic transport"

This boring press release is about the Japanese space agency (JAXA) planning to test this exciting thing:



...in Australia in a couple of weeks.

It's like a new Concorde, for Asia. We hope you like getting excitied about airplanes as much as we like getting excited about airplanes!

SEE ALSO:
Project Hayabusa!

Gadgets with FACES! #1: MoMAstore - Waterproof Speakers

This is a SHAMEFUL attempt at making girls want to buy something by designing it so it looks like it's got a face:



It's linen shirt and underpant specialist Muji branching out into the brave world of making over-priced shit to sell to iDiots -- with this little rubber case and speaker combo for iPod and other MP3 players costing a ridiculous $65.

MoMAstore - Waterproof Speakers

Woman finally learns how to burn a DVD

And isn't she proud!



What's she's actually promoting is Samsung's new ultra-slim laptop, the Sense X1. Evidently it's quite thin. And probably light!

THE STUFF THAT IT DOES AND HAS:

- Intel ULV CPU Centrino 733 processor (1.1GHz)
- 512MB DDR2 memory
- 60GB HDD
- 802.11bg
- RW Combo drive
- 4 hours per charge
- Plays media files without needing the machine to be booted up

Nintendo counters Sony's PSP launch in the only way it knows how...

...which is by releasing something it already makes in a different colour.



Poor old Nintendo. It's like watching Muhammad Ali's last fight where he was a jerky vegetable waiting to be destroyed :(

Pure Digital's Oasis rechargeable DAB radio

It's like an isometric iPod.



We're going to have to redesign the site to feature the text in a circle, with four navigation buttons in a row above it.

THE ONLY TWO THINGS ABOUT PURE DIGITAL'S OASIS THAT ARE OF ANY USE TO KNOW:

- 15 hours of play from one charge
- They've made it waterproof for some reason

Oasis - Intro

Motorola A780, with built-in Satnav

The only three places we go are (1) work, (2) the shop and (3) home, so we won't need a Motorola A780 with ALK Technologies CoPilot Live satellite navigation software.

The only reason we might want one is if it looks really cool:



It doesn't look really cool. But it is a GPS receiver, so you can see how far between the shop and the house you are!

Or, as the TV advert will no doubt illustrate, you can see how far it is to the NIGHTCLUB you're DJ-ING in tonight and then TEXT directions to your FASHIONABLE and mostly female friends.

WHAT IT'S ALSO GOT:

- Bluetooth
- Mini USB port
- Quad-band roaming
- 1.3 megapixel camera
- 8x digital zoom
- TransFlash™ memory WITH 256MB card

Asian woman doing an amazingly good job of balancing a thing on her fingers

Poise, elegance and control. Meticulous finger work. World-class thing-holding from the Korean youth. She's stepped up to international level and looks comfortable!



She spent the winter training under 1963 World Thing-Holding Champion Kim Il Kwok at altitude in Mexico -- and boy does it show! Any youngsters watching this who are thinking of a career in thing-holding would do well to pay attention to this example. Superb.

Easily the stupidest iPod idea yet

Something is wrong in the world of venture capital.



In what way are you "unleashing your music" by plugging it into a static piece of furniture?

THEY EVEN HAVE A LIST OF FEATURES:

- Control panel
- ZipConnect socket
- Dual speakers in headrest
- CUP HOLDER!!!

World launches new type of cloud

Hawaii, August 21.
The humble cloud is about to get a redesign, featuring twice the rain capacity and a stunning new shape!



"The old clouds have served us well over the last few million years" said Mr Jesus, Head of Earth, "but it's time we introduced a funky new look for today's modern society".

CLOUD SPECS:

- Contain a maxiumum of 1,000,000 gallons of water (MODEL CLD 101) or 2,000,000 gallons (MODEL CLD 201)
- Additional storage pod for hail or snow
- Mixer adaptor for sleet
- UV protection from Sun's harsh rays

AVAILABLE COLOURS:

- Battleship
- Steel
- Pensioner
- Croydon
- Pigeon

Full, official press release: APOD: 2005 August 21 - A Lenticular Cloud Over Hawaii

Asian women standing BESIDE a MASSIVE THING!

Oh YEAH! Our HUGE THING is so MASSIVE it takes TWO WOMEN to USE IT PROPERLY!

(FAO American readers: We're hinting that what we really mean is that our penis is very big, as a joke).



It really is true what they say about all Asian women having much bigger televisions than western women.

FOR THE SAKE OF GOOGLE ADSENSE RELEVANCY AND SEARCH ENGINE PLACEMENT, SHOULDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE MAKE AND MODEL OF THAT TV?

- Yes, it's a Samsung Grand 71-inch DLP TV, model number SVP-71L8UH

ARE THERE ANY MORE PICTURES THERE?
MORE PICTURES HERE!

NEC E949 -- thin is the new small

Thin mobiles are rubbish. We like big fat ones we can put in our trouser pocket and pretend it's our penis.



THE OBVIOUS COMPARISON:

- It's a bit like the Motorola Razr!

DO WE KNOW ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT, OR HAVE WE JUST STOLEN THIS IMAGE OFF A WEB SITE THAT'S ALL IN FOREIGN?

- We don't know anything else about it, we've just stolen this image off a web site that's all in foreign.

Paper Starships

"06 August 2005: New model: Vorlon Lightning Class Fighter from B5."



Paper Starships

AN APOLOGY FOR THIS:
Sorry about this.

Samsung #1 MP3 -- an MP3-playing camera

If only it could make phone calls!



OTHER THINGS IT SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IN ORDER TO MAKE US WANT ONE:

- LoseStop(TM) technology will ensure you NEVER lose it!

- NoFlat(TM) technology means the battery isn't always flat the one time you actually want to bloody use it!

- AlwaysWith(TM) technology will make sure you have the camera with you the only time you see something you want to take a photo of!

- NoBored(TM) technology automatically downloads new music for you, so you're never bored of listening to the same songs over and over again, again!

PSP porn made easy, and made to cost $3.99

You pay them $3.99, they format it so it works on PSP and is in all the right MP4 format and resolution and so on, they you download it and have a wank somewhere like in the bathroom, or really quickly in the shower if you live with your girlfriend.



"Chopped out all the boring parts"? That's disappointing news for all us stilted conversation fetishists :(

PSP Porn

DISCLAIMER:
We found this while researching a serious feature we're writing about PSP connectivity features.

Nike goes down "fat women" avenue :(

Curse you, Dove!

Advertising campaigns themed around boring normal women are really taking off, with uber-advertiser Nike now saying it's aiming to show "real" instead of "ideal" women in its next global marketing campaign.

Shit like this:



Fashion on Yahoo! News Photos

FURTHER DEPRESSING READING FOR FANS OF 40-FOOT-HIGH BILLBOARDS OF ANNA KOURNIKOVA:
"The new Nike campaign, said company spokeswoman Caren Bell, is attempting to portray 'what is real' as opposed to 'the ideal'." STLtoday - Business - Story

"Company Plans Video-Playing Tombstones"

"What we're trying to do is create the ultimate funeral experience" said the IDIOT bloke who's had the idea of putting "memorial videos" of people saying how dead people are/were really nice on their gravestones.



We'll have a bootleg mash-up of Crazy Frog and 50 Cent's In Da Club on ours, please.

local6.com - News - Company Plans Video-Playing Tombstones

Sony flicks BEAN into shops

It's a USB memory player with a fancy popping-up USB plug-in, and it's SHAPED LIKE A BEAN.



SOME STATS, BROKEN DOWN:
- 50 hour battery playback time
- 3 hours of play from a 3 minute charge
- 1 line OLED display
- Three models -- 512MB NW-E205, 1GB NW-E207, and 512MB with FM radio NW-E305.
- Plays MP3 files as well as Sony's DOOMED ATRAC3plus format no one ever uses unless they accidentally convert the files into that by mistake
- "All colours take their inspiration from various flavours of jellybean, owing to the shape of the device" -- well done Sony designers for copying a thing!

HERE ARE THE NEW NAMES SONY HAS MADE UP FOR COLOURS, PROBABLY SPENDING AT LEAST £50,000 ON A FOCUS GROUP TO FIND PHRASES WHICH BEST SUMMARISE THE "BRAND VALUES":
- Tropical Ice (Blue)
- Cotton Candy (Pink)
- Licorice (Black)
- Coconut (White)

Sony Europe : Press Center : Playful, Powerful and Compact - Sony Launches New 'WALKMAN BEAN'

Xbox 360 -- Full UK price details!

Microsoft Announces Xbox 360 Price for Europe: Starts at £209.99

Feature-packed system brings high-definition gaming to the masses this Christmas season

LEIPZIG, Germany — 17th August, 2005 — Ending weeks of speculation about which upcoming video game platform will give gamers the greatest value, today at the German Games Convention, Microsoft Corp. revealed that consumers can get their hands on Xbox 360 — the most powerful and feature-packed next-generation video game and entertainment system — for as little as £209.99 starting this Christmas. For gamers who want to experience the ultimate digital entertainment thrill ride, Microsoft also announced a model with over one hundred pounds worth of accessories for £279.99, giving consumers the definitive entertainment experience at an unbelievable value right out of the box.

The Xbox 360 and Xbox 360 Core System — along with an impressive lineup of high-definition game titles from the world's best publishers and developers -- will make their debut in North America, Europe and Japan in time for this Christmas, several months ahead of the competition. Although details for the Japan launch will be addressed at the Tokyo Game Show in September, the unprecedented three-region launch signifies an industry first. The Xbox 360 platform will deliver the most powerful console, the best games, the next generation of the Xbox Live service, and amazing digital entertainment experiences never seen in console entertainment.

"The sheer entertainment value of Xbox 360 cannot be overstated," said Robbie Bach, chief Xbox officer for Microsoft. "While the system has the muscle to power awe-inspiring graphics, audio and online play, it’s also got the intelligence to serve as a one-of-a-kind entertainment device that plays CDs, DVDs, MP3s and digital content from an array of devices, including portable music players and digital cameras."

With its built-in Ethernet port and free Silver level of service right out of the box, Xbox 360 also connects players to Xbox Live, the premier global online console games and entertainment network. With Xbox Live, gamers can chat with friends online, build and share gamer profiles, send and receive text and voice messages, and access Xbox Live Marketplace for new content such as game demos, trailers and casual games from Xbox Live Arcade. Subscribers to the Gold level of service will also enjoy access to online multiplayer gaming in their favourite games, as well as great promotional programs such as worldwide tournaments, the chance to play online with their favourite celebrities, and opportunities to win big prizes.

For gamers who want the ultimate experience (and the best value) right out of the box, Microsoft will offer the £279.99 Xbox 360 console. This premium edition -- distinguished by signature metallic detailing on the console itself -- comes fully loaded for the ultimate gaming experience, with components and accessories that would cost over £100 if sold separately:

· Xbox 360 console. Sexy styling that packs a punch -- three powerful core processors are poised to pump out 720p/1080i output, 16x9 cinematic aspect ratio, anti-aliasing for smooth textures, full surround sound and DVD playback right out of the box.

· Xbox 360 Hard Drive (20 GB). 20 GB and detachable, the hard drive allows gamers to store their games, music, downloaded trailers, levels, demos and community-created content from Xbox Live Marketplace.

· Xbox 360 Wireless Controller. Hassle-free high-performance precision wireless gaming features the Xbox Guide Button for quick access to digital movies, music and games libraries as well as a range and battery life of up to 30 feet and 30 hours of life on two AA batteries.

· Xbox 360 Faceplate. The removable Faceplate comes in stylish "chill" (white) and can be swapped out with custom Faceplates to reflect gamers' personalities or decor.

· Xbox 360 Headset. This lets gamers strategise with team-mates or trade banter with opponents while playing games on Xbox Live.

· Xbox 360 Component HD-AV Cable. This connects gamers to the world of Xbox 360 games and graphics through high-definition and standard-definition connections.

· Xbox Live Silver membership. With this, gamers can chat with friends online, send and receive voice and text messages, and access new content from Xbox Live Marketplace such as trailers, demos and casual games from Xbox Live Arcade.

· A bonus Media Remote. Included for a limited time, the integrated control centre for the entire digital experience lets consumers play DVDs, movies and music, as well as access their Windows XP Media Center Edition 2005-based PC’s controls with a single remote.

At £209.99, the Xbox 360 Core System comes standard with what consumers need to jump right into next-generation games and media, and is fully expandable to the complete Xbox 360 experience:



· Xbox 360 console. As with the premium edition, three powerful core processors pump out 720p/1080i output, 16x9 cinematic aspect ratio, anti-aliasing for smooth textures, full surround sound and DVD playback right out of the box.

· Xbox 360 Controller. This wired controller features an extended nine-foot cable and a comfortable, enhanced ergonomic design.

· Xbox 360 Faceplate. Like no other console before, the Xbox 360 console allows customisation and a removable Faceplate that comes in stylish "chill" (white), which can be swapped out with other custom Faceplates to reflect gamers' personalities or decor.

· Xbox 360 Standard AV Cable. This connects gamers to the world of Xbox 360, delivering great next-generation graphics and games using standard-definition connections.

The Xbox 360 console also comes ready for customisation. With an array of Xbox 360 accessories, gamers can kit out their systems to suit their individual tastes and personalise their experiences. In addition to an ever-growing selection of eye-catching Faceplates (ERP £14.99), Xbox 360 Controller (ERP £24.99*) and Component HD AV Cable (ERP £19.99*), the line-up includes a wealth of accessories that brings next-generation gaming entertainment to its optimum:

· Xbox 360 Hard Drive (20 GB). 20 GB and detachable, the hard drive allows gamers to store their games, music, downloaded trailers, levels, demos and community-created content from Xbox Live Marketplace and more (ERP £69.99*).

· Xbox 360 Memory Unit (64 MB). Easily portable, this lets gamers save games, in-game achievements and unique gamer profiles for quick and easy access on the go (ERP £22.99*).

· Xbox 360 Wireless Controller. The same hassle-free high-performance precision wireless gaming that comes with the premium edition features the Xbox Guide Button for quick access to digital movies, music and games libraries as well as a range and battery life of up to 30 feet and 30 hours of life on two AA batteries (ERP £32.99*).

· Xbox 360 Play & Charge Kit. This allows plug and play for high-performance, precision wireless gaming with the Xbox 360 Wireless Controller. Gamers will be given ample warning when the end of battery life is nearing so they can connect the Play & Charge cable for uninterrupted play (ERP £14.99*).

· Xbox 360 rechargeable battery pack. This provides up to 25 hours of gameplay for wireless gaming fun (ERP £9.99*).

· Xbox 360 Wireless Networking Adapter. With this, gamers can chat with friends and play games via Xbox Live, as well as stream videos and music to Xbox 360 from a Windows XP Media Center Edition 2005-based PC, all without the clutter of wires (ERP £59.99/€79.99 *).

· Xbox 360 Headset. This heightens the Xbox Live experience by letting gamers strategise with team-mates or trade banter with opponents while playing games (ERP £14.99*).

· Xbox 360 Universal Media Remote. Sold as an accessory, this integrated control centre for the entire digital experience lets consumers play DVDs, movies and music, as well as control a TV and their Windows XP Media Center Edition 2005-based PC controls with a single controller (ERP £19.99*).

· Xbox 360 SCART AV Cable. This cable provides optimal audio and video signal transfer for SCART connection (ERP £17.99*).

· Xbox 360 VGA HD AV Cable. Gamers can experience high-definition gaming on flat-panel TV or VGA monitors. This cable provides optimal audio and video signal transfer (ERP £19.99*).

"With both the Xbox 360 and the Xbox 360 Core System, we're offering consumers real choice and real value," said Peter Moore, corporate vice president of worldwide marketing and publishing for the Home Entertainment Division at Microsoft. "We're bringing true next-generation experiences into gamers' living rooms this Christmas."

*ROBOT THREAT UPDATE* "Human-like skin" on the way

THE 600 SERIES HAD RUBBER SKIN. WE SPOTTED THEM EASY, BUT THESE ARE NEW. THEY LOOK HUMAN -- SWEAT, BAD BREATH, EVERYTHING. VERY HARD TO SPOT. I HAD TO WAIT TILL HE MOVED ON YOU BEFORE I COULD ZERO HIM.

Human-like skin may help robots sense heat. 16/08/2005. ABC News Online

American women holding a thing

Yeah, well done America -- copy something the whole world has been doing for years, then act like you fucking INVENTED it by styling it as if it comes from the 1950s. Fat cocks.



American women -– holding things since August 16 2005.

SOME OTHER IDEAS FOR FUTURE 'WRIGLEYS TWINS' ADVERTS:

Have them hoisting the US flag over Berlin in an accurate representation of the day the original Wrigleys Girls liberated Europe in 1945 at the end of the Second World War.

Have them making "One small step for the Wrigleys Twins, one giant leap for oral hygiene" to educate American youths about how the Lunar Landings really unfolded.

Have them recreating the moment original Wrigley Girl Shirley Beauchamp gave Alan Turing some tips on how to crack the German Enigma Code.

Have them running naked down a road in Vietnam, having had their clothes torn off by a bomb (the bomb symbolises the refreshing "hit" of Wrigleys gum).

Something we found a nice photo of but we don’t know what it is

Apparently it's a "satellite radio" called a Delphi XM RoadyXT. With two Xs in its name it's obviously meant for the American market, because America still thinks Xs are cool.



HOW THEY EXPLAIN ABOUT WHAT SATELLITE RADIOS ARE:
"The Delphi XM RoadyXT is the smallest, thinnest satellite radio yet. The 2.8-ounce RoadyXT receiver measures 3.7 inches wide, 2.2 inches high, and .61 inches deep. The RoadyXT delivers XM Satellite Radio's 150-plus channels in the car and home from coast to coast."

WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED TODAY:
1. Satellite radios exist.
2. Satellite radios can be made quite small.
3. There’s a company called Delphi that makes satellite radios.
4. Radio is really taking off as an MP3 distribution system.

*JINGLE* Fake viral web site of the daaaaaay!

Endtroducing...



The Christopher Walken for President in 2008 campaign web site!

"Now, more active than ever, Christopher Walken has realized that the state of his country is in disarray, and the politicians in charge care less for the citizens they serve and more about fattening their resumes and campaign chests. Having residences both in rural Connecticut and upper-west Manhattan, he sees that all walks of life are becoming disgruntled and apathetic towards the American government, and feels a duty, as a child of the American public, to restore the peace, prosperity, and greatness of the United States."

Walken 2008 - Official Website

Logitech G15 Keyboard -- "Take us out of here, Mr Crusher"

"Aye aye sir!"

Continuing today's impromptu Star Trek theme we have the Logitech G15 keyboard -- it's a keyboard worthy of the mighty Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher himself!



HOW TO PRETEND YOU'RE IN STAR TREK WITH THE LOGITECH G15:

The 'dial' can be used for quickly inputting coordinates when ordered to do so by a superior officer such as Captain Picard or Commander Riker, or even Lieutenant Worf if they're both in the toilet or having a meeting in the 'ready room' (or dead or been temporarily made into Borg).

The screen might be an incoming translation of a communication from an alien race in a 'first contact' scenario.

The wrist support could double as a Klingon fighting blade.

The bank of buttons on the left set the ship's speed -- top panel is 'impulse', the second panel is 'warp' and the third panel is probably for the laser beams.

ADDITIONAL NOTE:
We took this news from Gamespot. Gamespot is OK at reporting on things that actually exist, but rubbish at reporting rumours.

GAMESPOT RUMOUR CONTROL SAYS:
"The above sounds like it could be true!! But there's a chance it isn't as well. We don't really have a clue."

Logitech G15 Keyboard Preview : Logitech G15 Keyboard : Keyboards : GameSpot Hardware

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY OUR NEXT NEW MOBILE PHONE!!

When this turns out to be a Nokia faceplate and accompanying ringtone rather than a phone that's a flipper that makes the "chick-chick-chick" sound when you open it, we'll be GUTTED.

"Themed after Star Trek communicator devices popularized by characters on the science fiction television and movie series, the special edition Star Trek Communicator Phone offers Trekkers and fans of cool mobile technology the ability to play a multi-player, online Star Trek game, stream real-time video, and surf the Internet as well as access Star Trek ring tones, wallpapers, news, information, and other fan activities."

"Text me accurate weather reports, Mr Scott!!!"



No way has the "Star Trek Community" got that many women in it.

Star Trek Themed Mobile Device from Sona Mobile

*ROBOT THREAT UPDATE* -- "Robot army ready for duty"

"Another version, called the Toughbot, has been developed with urban combat in mind. Instead of sending a soldier through a door, the Toughbot could be thrown into a room through a window"

The Australian: Robot army ready for duty [August 13, 2005]

Asian woman holding a thing!

There has been a development in international thing-holding!

She's PRETENDING TO USE IT!



WHO MIGHT SHE BE SPEAKING TO?

Mike Landon, her 62-year-old fashion boss husband?

The police, about that man who's been following her with a camera?

Her surgeon, about the operation to properly become a woman?

Have you taken a photo of anyone getting killed in a plane crash recently?

Well have you? Have you turned around, grinning, pulled out your mobile phone and taken a grainy snap as burning aviation fuel melts the flesh off the 95 passengers and crew of BA flight 0089 to New York?

If so, Scoopt would like to hear from you!



Honestly. Some people. If we were the sort that complained about things, we'd kick up a right fuss about some poncy media agency using photos of GLORIOUS CONCORDE crashing and burning to promote its new web-based, new media start-up, photograph-flogging scheme.

Scoopt: the citizen journalist's photographic agency, selling mobile phone and digital camera pictures to the press and media.

CONCORDE FACT:
Despite what they claim, the entire French contribution to the Concorde project was making the flimsy trays that went on the backs of the seats. And these were replaced by superior British ones during the first fleet-wide cabin refit of 1978.

A nice photo of the black Motorola Razr V3

It's lovely. A bit too American and flashy and kind of 1990s, but we'd definitely have one if it was for free with 100 texts.



(We'd only use 10 of those texts. Voting for Eugene).

"Sensitive wrist slogans" hit world of digital watches

There is no *SAD SMILEY FACE* ODM 'Mysterious' watch model to hint at your inner pain, which is missing a major trick.

*SAD SMILEY FACE*



THE FULL, REALLY STUPID RANGE OF ODM WATCH COLOURS AND LOGOS, ONE OF WHICH WE'VE ADDED OURSELVES AS A "JOKE":

-black "save the earth"
-white "world peace, no war"
-pink "love and peace"
-swarovski crystal pink "I am your Queen" (IRONIC, PROBABLY FOR THE GAYS)
-yellow "save the forest"
-orange "save the ocean"
-red "passionate about life" (THEY WON'T SELL *ANY* OF THESE ONES)
-light blue "peace on earth"
-lilac "bring colour to your world"
-khaki "tough times never last"
-grey "to be great is to be simple"
-limited edition white and black swarovski crystal "share every minute with you"
-open vein red "I hate my life and want to die. This watch is actually a cry for help. I want someone, ANYONE, to notice it and ask me about it, such is the aching loneliness of my life. Please notice my 'kooky' watch and say you like it, else I'll kill myself. I mean it. I will. I really fucking will. I can't carry on struggling through life alone and unloved pretending everything is OK. Oh God, I think I'm going to start crying on the train."

top3 by design

*JINGLE* Weird sex thing of the weeeeek!

Lots of hot women in fuck me shoes STOMPING on mobile phones:



Mobile Phones - Cellular Phones - Accessories - Smashmyphone, watch our technicians fix your telephone

No More Hot Coffee

As well as the predicted $10m hit Take 2 is taking over the GTA San Andreas "Hot Coffee" mini scandal, it's now incurred an additional cost of at least $9.99 -- by having to register a new domain name.

Its site No More Hot Coffee explains to concerned mums how to stop their kids wanking over pretend video game sex.

Japanese condom boxes

THOSE WACKY JAPANESE!!!!



ＡＲＵＮＥ

BRAVE ROBOT helps save tumour victim

"Gliding into the operating room for the first time to assist a surgeon, Penelope wasn’t nervous. Unlike other novice medical assistants scrubbing in, "she" felt nothing at all. That’s because Penelope is a robot"

What an amazing and unpredictable end to that paragraph!

Robot makes medical history

WEIRD QUOTES FROM THE PRO-ROBOT PROPAGANDA PIECE:

"Inside her computer brain, artificial intelligence software kept track of the implements to ensure none were misplaced and made predictions about what tool the surgeon would ask for next."

"...there could be a machine that’s helping you mind the instruments and not lose things and keep track of stuff"

"Mobile robots in many hospitals aid patients by filling prescriptions"

"While Penelope performed smoothly, Taliaferro was there to take over if anything went wrong and to handle medications and sponges, which are beyond the robot’s current abilities"

"The robot also is a reliable counter of surgical equipment and eventually could help prevent items like sponges from accidentally being left inside patients"

They might not be taking over the world just yet, but they could end up staffing branches of Carphone Warehouse within a decade.

Remote control WOMAN

Here's a video of a woman being MADE TO DO A MAN'S BIDDING by remote control.

Video News - Financial Video Reports



Three cheers for a return to Victorian values!

UPDATE:
If we were billionaires, we'd buy 1000 and spend all day making them walk off cliffs. Stupid bitches!

Today's smallest MP3/video player for August 8 2005 -- the MPIO ONE

It's like a tiny little premature baby!



It's a RAM-based player available in up to 1Gb, and it plays MP4 video on a 1-inch screen (USEFULNESS: 0/5) and lets you RECORD MUSIC OFF THE RADIO (but we're bored of that joke, especially as it looks like The Onion did indeed do it last decade).

MPIO ONE SPECS:

Dimension: 32(W) x 55(H) x 12(D)/mm
Weight: 34.5g
Display: 65,000 Color OLED (1", 96X64)
Internal Memory: 256MB / 512MB / 1GB
Format: MP3, WMA (WMA DRM), OGG(~Q10)
Voice recording
S/N Ratio: 90dB
Output Power: 13mW/Channel (EU: 6mW/Channel)
Color: 65K Full Color
Image Viewer: JPEG
Playable Format: MP4
Format: mpeg4, WMV, AVI, DivX (You need to convert from PC)
FM: Frequency Band 76MHz ~ 108MHz
FM Recording: WMA
ID3 Tag: 55-language
PC Interface: USB 2.0 (Maximum Speed : 82Mbps)
OS: Windows: 98/SE/ME/2000/XP, Mac OS Version 9.2 and higher
Battery: Rechargeable Lithium-Polymer Battery
Battery Life: Approx. 11 hours

THE INEVITABLE BAD NEWS ABOUT THE PRICE:
It's £179 for the 1Gb model, which makes Apple look like a fucking CHARITY.

MPIO Global Website

Sony Ericsson's new Walkman phone -- the W550

IT'S: "an affordable phone that offers great quality stereo music and integrates a 1.3 megapixel camera, full Internet browsing capability and a credible games console".

Credible games console?! A Sega Saturn?!! AWESOME!



Oh no. Not a Sega Saturn, the W550 is better at 3D. The W550 comes with three FREE 3D GAMES -- "pre-installed 3D versions of Worms Forts: Under Siege 3D developed by THQ Wireless, Extreme Air Snowboarding developed by Digital Chocolate and a new multiplayer version of Midway's Gauntlet, developed under license by TKO Software."

WHICH MEANS THE W550 IS:
A kind of cheaper, pikey-er version of the W800, which still isn't out yet. And those things are never going to fit in our ears.

ALL THE OTHER STUFF:

Imaging and messaging

* QuickShare
* 1.3 MegaPixel camera
* Horizontal camera user interface
* 4 x digital zoom
* Picture light
* 176 x 220 pixel TFT display
* 262K colour display
* Video recording and fullscreen playback
* SMS and MMS (YES, LIKE THIS IS A FEATURE WORTH HIGHLIGHTING. IF YOU'RE GOING TO PUT THIS ON YOUR PRESS RELEASES, WHY NOT GO THE WHOLE HOG AND POINT OUT THAT THE PHONE "COMES WITH A PLASTIC SURROUNDING CASE SO THE ELECTRONIC BITS, BUTTONS AND SCREEN DON'T FALL OUT")
* Wireless village (THIS'LL BE WHERE YOU GO TO SPEND THREE POUNDS TO DOWNLOAD R&B MUSIC VIDEOS)
* Adobe picture PC software

Entertainment (WHEN THEY SAY "ENTERTAINMENT" WHAT THEY MEAN IS "WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE THAT JUST WANT TO SIT THERE QUIETLY")

* 2 stereo speakers
* Style-Up™ covers
* PlayNow™ ringtones and 2D games
* Horizontal fullscreen games and video
* RDS FM radio
* Walkman® player (MP3/AAC)
* Media player (MP3/AAC)
* 256MB user memory
* Stereo headset
* 40 polyphonic ringtones
* Java MIDP 2.0
* 3D games
* MusicDJ™ and VideoDJ™ (WOW! YOU CAN BE A DJ!! AWESOME PHONE RESPECT BONUS +100 RESPECT POINTS!)
* OMA DRM phase 1
* MegaBass™
* Stereo widening

Connectivity

* Triple-band 900/1800/1900 MHz
* GPRS class 10
* Access NetFront HTML browser
* BluetoothTM and Infrared
* PC software
* External antenna connector
* USB system connector and cable

THE FULL PRESS RELEASE, FEATURING PHRASES SUCH AS "This new Walkman phone will appeal principally to expressive fun seekers who enjoy life to the full and want to take their music with them everywhere they go." AND "There's no reason to ever get bored with this stylish, fun phone." CAN BE FOUND HERE:
Sony Ericsson W550.

IDIOT TOYS: The rubbish tech blog that's not afraid to say where we copy our news from.

Popular importer Lik-Sang.com busted by Sony over PSP imports

"This is the most aggressive move against its own customers that a console manufacturer has ever taken in the 30 year history of videogames", according to Pascal Clarysse, Marketing Manager for Lik-Sang.com.

He's talking about this:



It's a PSP. It's lovely and everyone wants one, but it's not on sale in the UK until Septmber 1st.

And in a further comedy twist, its official UK price will be £179 -- Lik-Sang will send you a basic unit, including postage, for £140.39.

Which is the REAL REASON the stuff below is happening.

THE FULL EXPLANATION, FROM LIK-SANG'S PERSPECTIVE:
Hong Kong, August 8, 2005 – Lik-Sang.com, leading online retailer for videogame systems, games and cutting-edge gaming gear, was today informed that Sony Computer Entertainment Europe Limited and Sony Computer Entertainment Inc commenced legal actions against Lik-Sang.com in the High Court of Hong Kong for selling PSP consoles.

Sony of Europe alleges that Lik-Sang.com has breached Sony's Trade Mark rights by offering the PlayStation Portable (PSP) for sale to customers in the UK, and seeks a court order that would prevent Lik-Sang.com from selling or offering systems, games and accessories to customers in the UK and the European Economic Area (EEA).

Sony further claims copyright infringement and damages by mirroring the freely available PSP manual on the news section of Lik-Sang.com during early June. Sony UK warned Lik-Sang.com at June 14 to take legal actions, should the manual and any hypertext links to Sony's web site not be removed. Lik-Sang.com complied with Sony's request to remove the manual immediately.

This lawsuit comes as a total surprise to Lik-Sang.com, given that the laws of Hong Kong are clear when it comes to parallel trade. Hong Kong's legislation is based on the fact that allowing parallel and free trade will restore natural competition and benefit consumers with lower prices. Hong Kong, one of the pioneering countries respecting worldwide exhaustion of trademark rights, allows free trade once an item entered the market for sale.

The company running Lik-Sang.com, Pacific Game Technology (Holding) Limited, is fully registered and operating in Hong Kong and has no ties with the UK. The company is currently looking into available options to combat Sony's cynical attempt to disrupt the successful online business again, gain total market control, and garner publicity.

"Lik-Sang's sales are an unlawful interference with Sony's economic interests", stated Sony's legal correspondence. The case relies on Sony's claim, that Lik-Sang.com has advertised the PlayStation Portable products in a "dishonest manner". Lik-Sang.com will do its best to fight Sony's powers and appreciates any support from employees, friends and even customers.

"This is the most aggressive move against its own customers that a console manufacturer has ever taken in the 30 year history of videogames", says Pascal Clarysse, Marketing Manager for Lik-Sang.com. "Sony wants to completely cut hardcore gamers away from items released in Japan or anywhere else outside their own country. A very active part of the gaming community has been enjoying Japanese gaming culture for over two decades, and that's what the Empire is now willing to destroy."

Daily business is unaffected by this lawsuit. Customers in the UK and elsewhere don't have to worry about negative side effects or disruption of service. Shipping, Customer Support and Ordering Processing are fully operational and Lik-Sang.com remains open as usual. The sites news section will be updated as soon as the situation evolves.

Archos AV700 -- 100GB and MASSIVE 7-inch screen

When it finally becomes socially acceptable to watch hi-res hardcore porn on the Jubilee Line at 9:05am on the way to work, this is what we'll be packing.



BORING TECH STUFF:
-Record directly from your TV, VCR, DVD player, cable & satellite box
-Watch on the go on the 7" colour screen
-Enjoy 100 GB to store 400 hours of video or 250 movies
-DVD quality playback on TV
-Easy docking to TV & one-time set-up
-Photo wallet: transfer photos directly from your digital camera.
-View on TV.
-Play DivX®3 & MPEG-4 files3
-High speed USB 2.0 connection to PC
-Auto-sync with Windows Media Player® 10, play WMV & protected WMV files
-Play Mophun games on large screen

SOME EXCITED ANALYSIS OF THE BORING TECH STUFF:
100Gb is loads! Seven inches is huge! You can record straight from TV!

THE BIT WHERE WE GO QUIET AND REALISE WE'LL NEVER OWN ONE:
It costs $899.

ARCHOS

Freeplay Devo -- Music thieves turn their attention to electricity

A set of SHAMELESS MUSIC THIEVES have unveilved a "radio" that doesn't even need electricity to run.

The Freeplay Devo is a DAB digital radio with the ability to run off a wind-up coil, doing away with batteries and mains electricity.

Now, SHAMLESS MUSIC THIEVES can steal music by simply listening to "radio" broadcasts, while simultaneously stealing electricity too! Is there no end to the depths people will sink?



THE OFFICIAL STUFF:
The Devo Radio is the first of its kind built on the trusted Freeplay power platform. A DAB and FM radio which is designed for absolute reliability it has all the benefits of a Digital Audio Broadcasting and seamlessly integrated with low power analogue FM radio. The Freeplay Devo is supplied with an AC/DC for recharging and daily use. For times when mains Power is not available, the wind-up feature provides dependable backup.

Tango Group International

The Boeing Sonic Cruiser

HOLY JESUS OF FUCK!









TAKE US TO LONDON HEATHROW -- AT MAXIMUM WARP!

We found these photos of the Boeing Sonic Cruiser while browsing the internet for pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog (DON'T LAUGH AT US) -- it's a supersonic AIRPLANE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE that was announced by Boeing in 2001.

They even made a pretend one for wind tunnel testing.

Then they cancelled it because of rising fuel prices and the need for boring flying cattle-trucks instead of exciting FUTURISTIC SPACEPLANES FROM PLANET FUCKING X.

*WEEPING FOR WHAT COULD'VE BEEN SMILEY FACE*

Boeing Sonic Cruiser - Photo Gallery

HOW THE FUCKING FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TYPE THESE LETTERS IN, YOU STUPID FUCKING HOTMAIL FUCKING FUCKS?

What’s that thing on the left? Is it a ‘J’ or a squiggle? What about the 3 and the 7? Do we type those in? If so, in what order? They’re ABOVE each other! What’s that squiggle at the end? Do we ignore it or is it another ‘J’?



STOP MAKING US DO IMPOSSIBLE TASKS!

Microsoft – you are all jUSE7ejSS jF3UCK1NGkklj CV7JNT5j.

PROPOSAL FOR JOKE: RIAA to "go after radio users"

Here's another idea for a joke Engadget could do!

JOKE BACKGROUND:
The RIAA is the American group that sues file-sharing networks for copyright breaches. It tries to get them shut down.

JOKE PROPSAL:
We would make a fake "press relese" from the RIAA, in which it says it plans to "aggressively pursue MUSIC THIEVES who listen to free music on "radios" without paying for it.

WHY THIS IS FUNNY:
Because radios have been around since about 1910 or something, and we're acting like they've just been invented by music pirates!

WAS THAT EXCLAMATION MARK REALLY NECESSARY?
Probably not.

IS ANYONE GOING TO POST IN THE COMMENTS BIT SAYING THAT WAS A FUNNY UPDATE?
No, because we're a cynical web site and the leaving of polite, enthusiastic comments does not really tally with the site's cynical ideology.

SO PEOPLE NOT LEAVING COMMENTS DOESN'T CONCERN THE IDIOT TOYS MANAGEMENT AT ALL?
No, in fact it's a blessing! We have enough forums to press F5 in all day without starting up another one.

Sky's new "wireless radio" set to boost music piracy

This is the Sky Gnome, a portable "radio" device that lets you stream free music from your Sky TV box to anywhere in your home.



Quite why a major corporation would want to endorse this new "radio" piracy distribution system is beyond us.

FACTS ABOUT "RADIO":

Radio lets shameless music pirates and benefit claimants listen to music for FREE

There is no copy protection on the broadcasts, so people such as illegal immigrants can record the radio broadcasts, then sell the recordings for money to spend on drugs, bombs and flick-knives.

Many major electronics corporations are seriously considering manufacturing "radio" devices

The "radio" piracy network is "always on" -- meaning music pirates can listen to free music anywhere.

Sky's HD TV satellite receiver box

Say hello to what's going to be under your TV for the next five years -- UK satellite TV service Sky has shown off its hard drive-containing, HD-TV-displaying new digital box.

It's black and a bit more rounded, is our EXPERT ANALYSIS:



If you've been paying attention, you'll know it's out some time in 2006 in time for HD-TV World Cup, and decodes 720p and 1080i high-def broadcasts.

For proper information from people who REALLY pay attention, read the Digital Spy: Sky High-Definition TV Fact Sheet. It's awesomely factful!

The Philips "ShoqBox"

This is a bad development.

The Philips "ShoqBox" is a palm-sized 256Mb MP3 player with built-in speakers to encourage youths to play their 50 Cent music really loudly on the bus.



"Moreover, it generates nearly twice as much volume as speakers of the same size. In full stereo, of course. That’s enough to fill a whole room! In other words, with the ShoqBox you always have all you need to share your favourite music with your friends."

It also has something called "a radio", which is a disgraceful new development which allows MUSIC THIEVES to listen to music for FREE without even needing to download MP3s.

(NEW RUNNING JOKE ALERT: We're going to pretend radios have just been invented by internet pirates!)

Brave robot uses its ARM to save humans

Yet more Robot Good News! Today the human crew of Space Shuttle Discovery were saved by a brave robot, who used its ROBOTIC ARM to reach around the orbiter so its precious human cargo could carry out essential repairs to the possibly damaged craft.



The robot bravely exposed its arm to the harsh radiation and the vacuum of space for several hours, as it carried and protected human Shuttle astronaut Stephen Robinson around the exterior of the spacecraft.

Once again mankind has been helped by friendly robots!

Nokia releases "Limited Edition" Silver N-Gage QD

And there was us thinking ALL Nokia N-Gages were limited edtions because no one ever buys them.

We've put the stupid bits in bold so you don't have to read it all:


Nokia Releases N-Gage QD Silver Edition To European, Middle Eastern and African Markets

Espoo, Finland - Nokia today announced that it will be releasing an N-Gage QD Silver Edition to the European, Middle Eastern and African markets. Nokia continues to support the N-Gage platform with the best games line up to date, with titles such as ONE, System Rush, Pathway to Glory Ikusa Islands and High Seize.

"We have had a lot of requests from both consumers and trade to provide an N-Gage QD variant. This is very much in line with our fall consumer activities,"said Jukka Hosio, Director, Global Sales, Games Business Program, Nokia. "We chose silver as it's one of the season's most fashionable colors."

The new N-Gage QD Silver Edition game deck has all the smartphone functionalities and connectivity features as the original N-Gage QD game deck has, including calendar, contacts, e-mail, web browsing, Bluetooth connectivity and GPRS.

The new N-Gage QD Silver Edition game deck is expected to be available, September 1st, in the European, Middle Eastern and African markets.

MIGHTY APPLE steps forward into the 1980s with the MIGHTY MOUSE

It's a mouse with MORE THAN ONE BUTTON for your web designer friend's Mac!

Well done on inventing this, Apple. All you need to do now is make a computer that isn't rubbish to plug it into.



"It's like an iPod, only for controlling your computer with" we said, just there, as a sort of joke.

Click here to see Apple acting like it's the first company to ever invent a mouse! Instead of what's it's actually done, which is to make a slightly different mouse.

PS: We're adding WEB DESIGNERS WHO ALSO OWN MACS to the list of people we automatically hate.

To recap on that list:

PEOPLE WE AUTOMATICALLY HATE:

1. STUDENTS THAT ARE ALSO DJS
2. STUDENTS
3. ANTI-CAPITALISTS
4. WEB DESIGNERS WHO ALSO OWN MACS

The Sony DSC-T5 S -- Er, it's a bit smaller

That's probably what the S stands for.

It doesn't seem to do anything new, other than (a) cost more and (b) flip downwards when you open it.



We're just going through the motions today.

A student who is also a DJ

This is what we're on about:



See?

America still not bored of "flash mob" meetings -- Apple store targeted

This one is where some web designers (it's only ever web designers who "flash mob" because they're all on the right email groups) dressed like zombies and hung out at the Apple store in San Francisco.

It's probably meant as an ironic take on consumerism, cleverly pointing out that PEOPLE WHO BUY iPODS ARE A BIT LIKE ZOMBIES, AREN'T THEY? DON'T YOU THINK?

Look:



We've added ANTI-CAPITALISTS to the list of people we automatically hate, in third place behind STUDENTS and STUDENT DJs.

Ephemera › Sets › Braiiins - Zombies mob downtown San Francisco in search of brains

PSP web browser for version 1.5 machines

We used to hate Sony.

But now, if Sony was a man, even a really fat, diseased man who smelled of Cornish pasties, we'd happily wank him off as a "thank you" for inventing PSP.

smash's world: Underground Web-Browser released for the PSP v1.5. _ the offical homepage of Ben Guild (smash)