WINNER: Best Supporting Role

Fantastic background work from 19-year-old Korean Yun-Wan Kim, showing awareness and experience beyond her years.

She knows she's not in focus and is therefore considered the uglier of the two, but does she let the smile fade? NO! She's even doing a fake press. Poetry in motion.



That's the sort of attention to detail that Western thing-holders are still struggling to grasp.

Imation 256MB charity flashband

File under "Wearable Novelty USB Shit For Idiots".



At least it's not a USB Flash Memory Coat, and it isn't compatible with podcasts.

Sony's "aspirational" VAIO photography

We spent all of Christmas and the new year think about buying a laptop. We thought of getting a Packard Bell A8550, but it's a bit too big and "Packard Bell" isn't the sort of brand we aspire to owning.

So then we thought of getting a JVC Mini Note XV841, but it's too small to type on even with our spindly woman's fingers. The Dell Latitude X1's too expensive for an ordinary old Dell, and the Samsung Q30 is lovely but way too expensive and what does Samsung really know about laptops anyway?

So we decided on this:



It's the Sony VAIO TX1HP and it's easily the smartest looking, coolest, loveliest laptop of all. The only problem is, it's £1500 -- which is a bit over budget.

Fortunately, Sony made us STOP WANTING ONE IMMEDIATELY by producing the following "lifestyle" photography of fashion models "being near" the lovely VAIO. Now we hate it, and will probably get the Dell after all.



FIGURE A: Unrealistic representation of PC users and the inner-thoughts of women. Although, she does look a bit thin and pasty, so maybe she's thinking "Wow! If I steal that I could get 30 rocks of crack for it!"




FIGURE B: A further unrealistic representation of a PC user, this time of a woman PC user.

So that's why we don't want one of those. If you have any suggestions of decent ultra-portables for less than a grand, please say so in the Comments bit. We're all out of options.

SEE THE SHAME AU NATUREL (CLICK ON 'PHOTO GALLERY'):
VAIO : VGN-TX1HP (VGNTX1HP) : United Kingdom

Symmetry. Poise. Lovely jumper.

And that's why Juni-Kai Long received the first ever 6.0 6.0 6.0 6.0 6.0 perfect score at this year's Malaysian Technology Expo.



She turned professional at age 13, and by goodness IT REALLY SHOWS! The phone is something by Pantech, which means it'll never come out here.

SO THERE'S NO POINT LISTING THE SPECS, BUT WE WILL ANYWAY SO THE SITE LOOKS 'PROPER':

IM-U100 Features:

* 2.6 inch wide QVGA TFT LCD with 15:9 aspect ratio
* Analog mode dial
* MP3 player
* 2 mega-pixel embedded CMOS Camera with Panorama & PictBridge Functionality
* PMP functionality
* 64 polyphonic melody
* T-Flash memory support/Full multitasking functionality
* MSM 6500 chipset
* 2.4 Mbps/CDMA 1X EV-DO
* Loud stereo speaker & MOD (music-on-demand) / VOD (video-on-demand)
* Nano silver coating
* IrDA

The EasyCook Rice and Maggot Cooker

Love the traditional Japanese dish of rice and maggots but can't be bothered with all the cooking?

Then the new EasyCook Rice and Maggot Cooker is for you!



The simple, non-stick tray has two compartments, one for rice, one for maggots, ensuring that your rice and maggots are perfect every time!

Easy to clean, easy to cook -- that's EasyCook.

New Japanese "Super Hotel" to ease city's housing crisis

A fantastic new property development in the bustling heart of 1278b Kansai Street was unveiled today, and is set to offer modern, affordable housing to key workers across the region.

The new "compact high-rise" development offers miniature "sleeping pods" together with a communal standing area.



Each "sleeping pod" offers a spacious 170cm (5' 7") of length and a roomy 60cm (2') of width. Each resident of the compact high-rise is allocated one hour a day in the standing area. The first apartments go on sale this month.

A new kind of car!!

The 2007 Dodge Charger SRT8 Super Bee increases the number of types of car in the world to 27!



27 different types of car! Wow! We also hear that Ford is planning to make a new one in 2009. We ask you one question: Is it really worth it?

Human teleportation 'test tragedy'

The first public test of the Uni-Data Personal Teleport-Beam Solution ended in tragedy yesterday, as Professor Jun Suzuki of the Osaka Science Institute (right) and his lovely assistant (left) tested out the prototype machine.



Professor Suzuki was "beaned" due to an unfortunate typo. His widow has requested the beans be donated to a local homeless charity.

"DRAG AND DRIVE" MP3 player makes having a car even MORE EXPENSIVE

Sony's made this. It's a car stereo faceplate with 1GB of memory for MP3-ing your whack tunes into yo' wheelz:



It's a car stereo that's even better for criminals to steal because it plays MP3s. It costs about the same as half a cup of petrol.

OFFICIAL STUFF PODSTREAMED VIA FIRETOOTH:
DRAG AND DRIVE - A NEW MUSIC-ON-THE-MOVE CONCEPT FROM SONY ELECTRONICS
Download Music to Your Car Stereo in one Click

Weybridge, 23 January 2006 - Music mad drivers will soon have a simple way to transfer their music from PC to car in three easy steps. The new GIGA Panel in-car sound system has a removable front panel supplied with USB port, which connects directly to the PC. Users simply remove the panel, connect it to the PC, choose the music data they want, drag and drop it onto the Giga Panel then reattach in-car and enjoy the sounds.

With an impressive 1 GB Flash memory, the GIGA Panel can store up to 500 tracks* – more than 60 hours of music. Its ‘drag and drop’ interface makes it easy to use with no software required. A USB cable is supplied, and a red LED shows data transfer, so the kit is ready to be plugged to any PC.

Patrick Naltet, Director of e-Vehicle at Sony Europe comments: “People are used to the simplicity of ‘drag and drop’ for their MP3 players, so why do they have to waste time burning their music collection onto CD for the car? The Sony GIGA Panel brings MP3 functionality into the car stereo.”

The GIGA Panel is also an in-car CD player featuring all the high quality sound technology you would expect from Sony including a 24 bit DAC converter, BBE MP MP3 sound enhancement and EQ3 stage2 equalizer. Its sleek and attractive GT design with blue illumination will look impressive in any car interior and rotary encoder button enables drivers to use the device easily and safely.

Product features include:

* 1GB Flash memory
* Front + Rear/sub
* Supplied IR Card Remote Commander
* Mini USB Port (front panel)
* Supplied USB Cable
* USB Connecting LED
* 4 x 52W Power output
* 24 Bit DAC converter
* BBE MP high definition sound enhancer, MP3 sound enhancement (CD playback)
* EQ3 Stage2 sound equalizer
* Supports Windows 2000 XP OS

*MP3: 4 minute tune encoded by 64 kbps

We're all going to die because of this

"China will become the first country in the world to build a full superconducting experimental Tokamak fusion device, nicknamed "artificial sun", experts here said."

The report reads like a scrolling text intro of a video game set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

AngolaPress - News

"DALEK... FOR... SAAAAAAALE"

You can buy a lifesize, official DALEK for 2500 quid. And some people ACTUALLY ARE.

LUNACY:
"There will also be the option of a model which screams 'Exterminate!' and has working lights. It will be £500 more" -- that's an outrage. Surely that's a standard feature of even the humblest maintenance Daleks?

Dr Who Fans Go Crazy For The 'Ultimate' Toy - Entertainment News, Reviews, Competitions - Entertainmentwise

Twice as amazing! (1)

(1) May not actually be twice as amazing. Amazingness only applies to look of casing. Amazingness only applies to previous Mac owners. Amazingness is in the eye of the beholder.



It's iMazing! (2)

(2) Not (3)

(3) At all

Mac users in 'unbearably smug' shock!

If it's on the BBC it's AN ACTUAL FACT. We're off to aggressively edit this into Wikipedia.

BBC NEWS | Technology | Mac users 'too smug' over security

What the hell has happened to LEGO?

Since when has playing with LEGO required a PC/Mac, Bluetooth and USB2.0 connection?



Surely this is LEGO for grown ups, in which case it must be classed in the same category as Star Wars toys (STUFF FOR LOSERS).

STUFF FOR LOSERS!
The heart of the new system is the NXT brick, an autonomous 32-bit LEGO microprocessor that can be programmed using a PC, or for the first time in the retail offering, a Mac. After building their robots, users create a program within easy-to-use yet feature-rich software, powered by LabVIEW from National Instruments.

Downloading programs to an invention is easy. Users with Bluetooth®-enabled computer hardware can transfer their programs to the NXT wirelessly, or anyone can use the included USB 2.0 cable to connect their computer to the NXT for program transfer. The robot then takes on a life of its own, fully autonomous from the computer. The inclusion of Bluetooth technology also extends possibilities for controlling robots remotely, for example, from a mobile phone or PDA.

LEGO MINDSTORMS NXT Robotics Toolset

MISSED COMEDY OPPORTUNITY:
The LEGO PressRoom has photos of its board members. If we were put in charge of LEGO, our first week on the job would be spent building accurate LEGO likenesses of all senior staff to bring a "sense of fun" to the corporate web site.





Press Archives rock!

Nokia 6125 -- Definitely not anyone's next new phone (unless it's free because you lost your good one)

This is NEW? Or have we sorted our email by name instead of date? Seriously, Nokia, this is horrible. We'd die from shame if we had to get this sort of thing out on the 08.28 to London Bridge in front of a businessmen with his Nokia 9300i (work phone) or his Sony W800i (secret spare phone for conducting affairs).

We'd rather not have a phone at all, and put up with organising our meagre number of social events *in advance* like people did in the 1970s than use THIS:



It hasn't got enough buttons, the screen's lacking "real estate" and it's so half-heartedly "retro" it just looks old.

THINGS THIS PHONE NEEDS:

A button for the internet

Something that at least looks like a camera on the front

Customisable face, buttons, body and screen

Some logos for cool things, like "MP3", "Bluetooth" and "The Internet"

A better number than 6125. 6100 maybe? It's been used but everyone's forgotten about that one by now

One that comes in white

Mmmmmm! Lovely BIG HARD Toshiba Gigabeat INSIDE ME!

Wow. We'll have whatever she's having:



"Yeah, baby. We put on David Gray, baby. You like that, don't you? You like 'Babylon' best, don't you? Sexy voice. Yeah, now I want to listen to 'Creep' while I spunk on your tits."

WHAT THAT WOMAN IS THINKING ABOUT:

Eating a Mars bar

Stroking a kitten

Bouncing up and down on daddy’s knee

Being raped by a burglar

gigabeat - music sounds better in colour (AND WHEN YOU'RE WANKING)

"Macs were shit all along" says Steve Jobs

"The new iMac is two to three times faster than the iMac G5," says Apple boss Steve Jobs, which really is him just saying "Our computers aren't as shit any more!".

The MacBook Pro costs £1429 and is FOUR TIMES faster than previous Apple Powerbook shitboxes. It costs a bit much for a laptop, but it's nice to see Apple isn't ditching its other main core value -- overcharging.



Hopefully they'll do a Windows XP model soon too!

Apple (UK and Ireland)

MAXIMUM WARP!

Man sort of invents hyperspace.

"NASA have contacted me and next week I'm going to see someone from the [US] air force to talk about it further" -- he's going to be in so much trouble when they found out he just made it up to impress girls on an internet message board.

Scotsman.com News - Sci-Tech - Welcome to Mars express: only a three hour trip

Third-party Wi-Fi "dongle" for DS

It's only £30 and is easier to buy than the official Nintendo one. It also works as a mini wireless router, so your other 802.11g devices can connect through it too. Which is pretty cool for 30 quid.



Get ready for when Animal Crossing launches in March. You can visit our village and use the wanking machine.

Philips still doesn't 'get it' about MP3 players

The GoGear Jukebox is bulky, black and ugly. Go back to your drawing board and have another try. This'd be a poor effort if we were in 2001!



Is that meant to be us? Only the hair's wrong and we'd probably have our cock in our hand if we were alone on the sofa looking out of the window at the schoolgirls walking past.



At least it looks nothing like an iPod.

MORE ABOUT IT HERE:
"Intriguing and irresistible, GoGear Jukebox is the perfect match to your cool self." Touch your tunes and photos! - Philips GoGear Jukeboxes

4GB and 8GB Memory Sticks on the way in 2006

Great! Another way to give money to Sony so something you've already bought can work properly!



DON'T BUY ONE. Wait three years until they're only $15.

memorystick.com | 2006 International CES

VAIO VGX-XL100 -- Sony makes a computer that goes on its side

It's the VAIO VGX-XL100, a computer doesn't look like a computer. It looks pretty so you can put it in your lounge without feeling embarrassed when girls come round (having more than one computer in your house is a big "no no" when it comes to looking cool in front of women, according to Lorraine Kelly in last week's Heat magazine).



It's a COOL computer. It's meant for the vague, barely-existing world that is "high definition", in which men try to convince themselves that spending £2000 on a TV and £1000 on something to send video to it was a really good idea.

THE FULL STUFF ABOUT IT:

The XL100-Series : Full-Spectrum Entertainment At Its Best
The real entertainment centre for the living room

Brussels, 6 January 2006 - Today sees the launch of the VGX-XL100, a VAIO home entertainment PC which connects directly to the TV. As ever, the emphasis is on the best in AV-IT, providing full support for super-high quality DSD audio and HD video supported by Intel Viiv technology for maximum performance.

The XL100-Series
The XL100 is the core of the digital home. Designed to be used in the living room with a TV as its display, it comes in a stylishly restrained black and brushed silver case which will harmonise with any décor. Ideally, the XL100 should be used with an HD-ready TV as it is the first VAIO system with HDMI (High Definition Multimedia Interface) and Component TV outputs. This means that unlike conventional entertainment PCs, it can output a true HD-quality signal. Setup is simple, and little cabling is required. A wireless keyboard with integrated touchpad and a remote controller are included as standard, so it's easy to use wherever you are in the room.

The XL100's powerful hybrid TV tuner lets you watch both analogue and digital TV rather than just analogue channels. The capacious 250GB hard disk means that the XL100 can act as a video recorder as well, not to mention as a music centre and DVD player. A potent Intel Pentium D Processor 920 and 128MB NVIDIA Geforce 6600 graphics provide the muscle for gaming. In other words, this is the complete entertainment system for the home, but a tap on the touchpad brings true PC functionality to the fore. In seconds you can be shopping online or catching up with your email. And there's one last thing: despite its heavyweight credentials as a PC, painstaking engineering ensures that the XL100 is completely silent.

The XL100 is supplied with Microsoft Windows XP Media Centre Edition for simplified access to media features as well as full PC functionality. In addition, it comes with VAIO Information Flow, a specially designed graphical interface for use at a distance from the screen. This makes interaction with the XL100 a very simple matter, and provides instant access to popular services including RSS feeds, a newsreader, podcasting, picture slideshows and the music player. XL100 also incorporates Intel(r) Viiv technology, Intel's new brand for the digital home, designed to enhance and help manage how consumers enjoy, manage and share digital entertainment in the home. "The XL100, based on Intel Viiv technology will be instrumental in delivering a great digital entertainment experience in the home," said Herbert Weber, Director of Marketing Digital Home, Intel Europe, Middle East, Africa. "Intel looks forward to working with Sony on making digital entertainment effortless and more personal for consumers."

"The XL100 represents the next stage of the entertainment PC concept," says Jun Koyama, Director of IT for VAIO Of Europe (VOE). "By this I mean dual core power, cuttinga edge AV features and seamless PC/entertainment integrtion. All this is wrapped up in the design and quality that is fundamental to VAIO."

They said PODCASTING :(

LOADS of stuff got announced at CES 2006 in Las Vegas

But no way are we bothering to write 400 indivual updates about things that all look like this:



...because only a fool breaks the "Don't spend more than two minutes updating the site each day" rule!

CES 2006 IN SUMMARY:

BLU RAY

HD

REALLY BIG TVs

AMERICAN WOMEN HOLDING THINGS

NETWORK STUFF

BROWSE THE PRESS ARCHIVE YOURSELF:
2006 International CES: New Products

Sony Cyber-shot S600

It's new, but looks old, and is just another camera at the end of the day.

But there's this for it, which is lovely:



So sweet! And you know they're looking at photos of what they did last night (watching TV and having an argument).

Who got the worst Christmas present then?

Can anyone beat a Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith DVD?



This is the photo we'll be using when we list it on eBay this weekend. Sorry, dad, but you really should've paid more attention to what we liked while we were growing up. You can't BUY YOUR WAY BACK IN with gifts!