Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Nokia's still making N-GAGE games!

...and still paying flash designers loads of money to make web sites about them.

"Payload and www.payload-game.com are a testament to the rich story and game depth that is possible on the N-Gage platform," said Gregg Sauter, Director, Games Publishing, Nokia. "Payload combines strategy, combat and traditional racing, where a player can play against up to three friends with an N-Gage game deck via Bluetooth wireless technology for a superior combat racing experience.

Yeah, totally looks like it:

N-GAGE Payload!

IT HAS A STORY!
The creaky transport lurches badly on landing, and the straps of Harker's frayed safety restraints bite into his shoulders as he's shunted forward in his seat. As the engines' whine abates, the others around him begin to stir. Everyone is exhausted and sick from the journey. He's not sure, but the guy next to him is probably dead. Cheap cryogenics- the side effects of travelling economy class can be fatal.
The passenger bulkhead splits open and he squints hard at the new light streaming in from outside. A silhouetted figure, a cop, barks at the assembly to move out. Harker grabs his dirty duffel- everything he owns- from the overhead, trudges down the out-ramp, and gets his first look at his new home.

Ararat. Looking around he reflects grimly that if Noah had fetched up here, he'd have got back on the ark and kept going.

Waysouth spaceport immigration virtually waves him through. If the tired, bored cop who glanced at his ID had looked again, he might have noticed that it's stolen. With over 3,000 new diggers coming in each day, it's not like anyone's going to care.

Two years ago this place was nowhere, on the outer edge of nothing. Now tickets to the offworld mining colony have become the hottest property since they opened up Jupiter to the tourists.

Furium had been discovered; the dark crystalline substance is the most powerful fuel source ever known, and known of nowhere else in the entire galaxy. And the rush to dig as much of it out of Ararat's ancient crust is bringing the dregs of humanity from every corner of the galaxy to this dirty little ball.

The mining guild's registrar double checks his ID and casually informs him that not only is he ineligible for a license, but also illegals are often shot on site. Standing alone at the edge of the busy booth he wonders glumly if the guy he stole the ticket from, who waved it in his face boasting of his luck, then passed out cold his beer, was more or less the smarter of the two of them.
'No luck, pal?' He turns. The guy is the cleanest person he's seen in weeks. He's looking at him keenly, for no reason Harker knows of.

'What's it to you?'

He shrugs. 'Might have a job. Won't need ID. You pilot a skim?'

Harker pauses. 'What kind of job?' he says, more interested than he's trying to let on.

The guy grins. 'The most dangerous job on the planet'.

Back Story
A Brief History of the Future.
The year is 2240. Man has stretched out across the galaxy to new star systems and worlds beyond the imagination. It is a golden era for scientific exploration.
Earth, it turns out, is far from unique. Other worlds hospitable to life are discovered, with almost monotonous regularity. Some are teeming with new species of unimaginable variety, but most are dull and grey, with only the most rudimentary of organisms to sustain a workable bio-system.

But, to man's increasing puzzlement, intelligent sentient life such as his own remains undiscovered. It would seem, for the time being, that we are indeed alone. And so with no one around to complain, humans leave their home to colonize the galaxy.


Payload

NEW WORLD RECORD!

They said it couldn't be done, but she's proven them all wrong! She's SMASHED the previous record of three, and established a new best of FIVE that's going to stand for decades to come. Sensational! Absolutely sensational. You can't teach that kind of finger work, and oh my goodness, even the little finger is in use!

New Simultaneous Hold World Record holder Su-Yung Meng

This new wave of Korean youngsters is raising the bar. Su-Yung Meng, 19, only turned professional in 2004 and she's already in a class of her own. We can only guess how far this impressive youngster can go. Microwaves, mobile phones, even washing machines - she could dominate every discipline for the next fifteen years.

And good luck to her. She's a joy to watch.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Amstrad announces new ultra-portable MP3 player

The new AMX-AM-STRX-PLAY3-MP3STAR is Amstrad's smallest MP3 player yet. A sensational 8MB of Amstrad's own MegaMemory-RAM(TM) ensures you'll always have your music with you -- up to 12 minutes* of your tunes!

Amstrad AMX-AM-STRX-PLAY3-MP3STAR MP3 player

*Playing music encoded using Amstrad's AM-CODE codec at a 8kbs bit-rate. Silence between tracks included.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Woman 'allowed to use remote control' for first time

For the first time ever, a Japanese female was allowed to take possession of a TV remote control and be 'in charge' of the television.

The groundbreaking controlled experiment could lead to new legislation in Japan, where it's been illegal for women to touch remote controls - or the buttons of any entertainment device - since the 1950s.

Woman uses remote control successfully

Clearly nervous from the responsibility, Yuki Hiroshi was chosen because of her 'neutral' tastes in television. She decided to flip to Channel 9 and watched a documentary about squirrels, which was greeted by polite applause from the invited audience of technology company executives.

The demonstration was then hurriedly brought to an end as she accidentally put the TV on one of the AV channels and couldn't get the picture back, then fainted from stress. Clearly lots of work must be done before any new law is passed!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Motorola PEBL

Motorola is giving it out for free to famous people, like it did with the RAZR. This, apparently, will make you want one more because someone "off the cinema" has it.

Motorola PEBL

It's not working on us. Although it has the side-effect of making us want to ***** Reese Witherspoon's ******* with our *** and put it right in her ****** and then ** on her ********!

BREAKING: Dog diabetes finally cracked

What's happened here is some businessmen have decided to target a non-existent niche simply to take money from paranoid American pet owners. What next? Dog headache tablets? Cat tampons? If you don't want a diabetic dog, don't feed it on chocolate brownies you stupid fat fucks.

There's some great acting in this scene, particularly by the dog. It really looks like she's suffering from diabetes!

Morgan, played by Spike

"Morgan, a golden retriever from Grayslake, Ill., is having her blood glucose tested with the AlphaTRAK, the first complete hand-held blood glucose monitoring system designed specifically for diabetic dogs and cats. Veterinarians and pet owners can test pets' blood sugar levels rapidly, conveniently and accurately with the new meter, which Abbott launched this week at the Western Veterinary Conference in Las Vegas."

'What's you name? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? Oh, you don't know? You don't even know what your name is? You stupid cat'

It also works on cats. Sadly the cat is "phoning in" its performance somewhat. It doesn't look like a diabetic cat at all, just your usual sour-faced, miserable-as-fuck cat. "If you don't feed me the expensive food I'll just go and live with someone else" it's probably thinking. Stupid moody cat fucks.

SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT CATS:
The press release says that cat's name is "Mocha" which is pointless as cats don't know what their names are. All cats should just be called "stupid fucking cat" because they can't tell. All that goes through their heads is "feed me, feed me, stroke me, feed me, feed me" like having a fat girlfriend.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The WORST gadget shop in the world

For some reason we've got on the mailing list for press releases about gadgets stocked by www.widget.co.uk, a site that sells what we can only assume are fire-damaged Bulgarian grey imports of fake Chinese knock-offs.

Like this:

Think Outside Boomtube H2O1 ROCKS DA PARTY!

That's the Think Outside Boomtube H2O1. Anyone who wants one of these shouldn't be allowed outside, let alone allowed to sit on the bus threateningly playing loud music and challenging people to tell them to turn it off so they can have a fight.

And this:

SHIT

It's something that makes your iPod more rubbish, and that's the actual photo they "sent out" to promote it.

And this:

PocketParty / BulletHead

That's the GEAR4 PocketParty V2. It's far from being a party in your pocket, we'd say it's more like a funeral in your lounge, or your dad having a heart attack in the supermarket.

THE PRESS RELEASE FOR THE *FEATURE-PACKED* POCKETPARTY
High Wycombe, UK, February 14th, 2006 - GEAR4, formally PodGear(tm) - The new brand from Disruptive Technology Channels to cover more than just iPod accessories today announces the PocketParty - A new micro speaker system for all iPods with a dock connector.

Tom Dudderidge, managing director, Disruptive Technology Channels, commented: "The PocketParty is one of many new exciting products to be launched within the next few weeks from GEAR4. The latest edition to the PocketParty family is unique from many other micro speakers as it has the added advantage of being able to slot into the bottom of any iPod with a dock connecter meaning those with older generation iPod's needn't miss out. "
Dudderidge continued, "The PocketParty is ideal to break the silence when lying in the park or on the back of a bus; sharing your music with friends has never been easier. The newest member of the PocketParty family offers improved sound appreciation on its predecessors after a painstaking amount of work went into getting the most from its two tiny speakers. The PocketParty is ultra-simple to use, you just plug it into your iPod, switch on and get rocking!"

PocketParty V2 - A desirable cable free micro speaker available for any iPod with a dock connector. Weighing just 52 grams, the new version of the PocketParty pumps out 1 watt of stereo sound from its two tiny speakers and plays for up to 10 hours using a single AA battery without draining the iPod's battery life. The PocketParty V2 comes complete with a high and low volume switch and is available in black or white.


THE MORAL:
Don't put us on your mailing lists. This kind of publicity is bad publicity.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

HD HDR–HC3E with HDCP

Jesus HD Christ. The home pornography revolution continues, only now she'll need to wax everywhere else it'll show up.

Sony HDR–HC3E

WE LIKING CUTTING AND PASTING:
Berlin, 21st February 2006 - Sony Europe announces the launch of the HDR – HC3E, a digital high definition video camera providing professional level high video quality in an easy to hold compact size. The HC3E is the latest model following on to the HDR-HC1 digital high definition Handycam which was released in July 2005, along with the growing popularity of high definition televisions. With great improvements including higher image quality, being smaller, more lightweight and easier to use, this HDV camcorder will fully satisfy all users, from beginners through to experienced amateurs.

Two powerful Sony technologies combine for optimum image quality
The new HDR – HC3E features the ability to record movies with higher sensitivity and higher picture quality, and 4Mega pixel still image. This is made possible by a ClearVid CMOS sensor entirely new and unique to Sony. The combination of the ClearVid CMOS sensor with the new Enhanced Imaging Processor from Sony is formidable, facilitating the recording of high quality images with both high resolution and heightened sensitivity. The Enhanced Imaging Processor is capable of processing large amounts of pixel data while capturing bright and dark areas of the image for the most realistic effect and colour reproduction yet. Other new benefits of these combined technologies include:

4Mega still Image Recording
Thanks to unique ClearVid CMOS Sensor, now you can record 4Mega still image from 2Mega CMOS Sensor with Unique Pixel interpolation based on signal correlation.

HDMI-ready for easy TV viewing and sharing
The new HDR–HC3E from Sony has the added benefit of being HDMI ready, addressing the needs of increasing numbers of HDTV adopters. Now you can easily play back movies and audio through your TV without degradation of the digital image by sending uncompressed high quality HD video and audio signals from the camcorder through a single cable.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Do the Japanese send text messages?

Only they don't seem to have enough words or letters on their buttons. How can this be enough letter combinations to send a coherent message?

Some Japanese Nokia thing

Unless the Japanese language is so streamlined they can get by with only ten words. Actually, thinking about it, we only use ten words when texting anyway.

THE ONLY TEN WORDS WE USE WHEN TEXTING:
1: Train
2: Delayed
3: Late
4: Sex
5: Love
6: Meet
7: Have
8: Dinner
9: No
10: Maybe

EXAMPLE MESSAGES:

TRAIN LATE MAYBE DINNER?
NO DINNER :(
LATE MAYBE. DINNER?
DINNER?
LATE DINNER :(
LOVE DINNER!
DELAYED. MEET LATE. HAVE DINNER?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

This is your new phone, this is

Yeah, this is your phone. This is your BEST PHONE that you had to save up for. Your dad had to sell his car to buy it, and you mum's going to prison if you ever lose it.

Sony Ericsson J100

It's the "entry level" Sony Ericsson J100, a phone that only does text messaging and lets you talk to people to say say what train you're on and how much it's delayed by. That's all! It's probably meant for Africa, or China, or those housing estates in Wales where everyone's on disabled benefit because they had a cough once.

It's available in Polar White and Twilight Blue, which means it's available in white and blue.

IT ALSO HAS AN ALARM:
The Sony Ericsson J100 is a Dual Band GSM phone available in Polar White and Twilight Blue and will be commercially available during Q2 2006. The J100 will be available in the following variants:

J100i - Dual Band GSM 900/1800 MHz for Europe, Middle East, Africa, Asia Pacific
J100c - Dual Band GSM 900/1800 MHz for Mainland China
J100a - Dual Band GSM 850/1900 MHz for Americas

Messaging
* 65k Color display
* 96 x 64 pixel STN
* SIM based phonebook with 250 entries
* SMS
* Predictive text input

Entertainment
* Polyphonic ringtones
* Preinstalled Wallpapers, Games, Ring tones

Connectivity
* GSM 900/1800
GSM 850/1900
* Stand-By time 300 h
* Talk time 8 h
* AMR, HR FR, EFR
* Fast port connector

Business
* Vibrating Alert
* Alarm clock
* Calculator

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sony's made some new digital cameras for today

Meet the DSC W50 and W30. It doesn't really matter which one is which. They're both 6.0 megapixel and the BIG EXCITING NEW THING is some sort of anti-blur technology that you'll never use.

Sony DSC-W30

Sony DSC-W50

Cameras just aren't exciting any more, now that phones can do everything to a slightly lower but still acceptable standard. And to think we once paid £600 for a Digital Ixus.

SONY ANNOUNCES TWO NEW SLIM W-SERIES DIGITAL STILL CAMERAS WITH 'ANTI-BLUR' TECHNOLOGY - FOR SHARPER SHOTS

6 effective Megapixels, Large LCD screens, ZEISS 3x Optical Zoom, and great STAMINA battery life, Feb 13, 2006

Berlin, 13 February 2006 - The Sony Cyber-shot W30 and W50 offer the perfect combination of sleek looks and superb image quality, whilst also offering great value for money. With 'Anti-Blur' High Sensitivity ISO1000 they're both ideal for sharper shots when shooting moving subjects, indoors or for more natural shots without the need of a flash. Combined with the Carl Zeiss Vario-Tessar 3x Optical Zoom lens and a 6.0 effective Megapixel Sony Super HAD CCD at their heart the results are sharp and vibrant every time. The cameras also feature a 6x Precision Digital Zoom, and a 13x VGA Smart Zoom to help you view subjects near and far. Plus, you'll never miss a shot with up to 400 shot* STAMINA battery life using the supplied LITHIUM-ION battery. Perfect for people who want the optimum mix of style and affordability.

'Anti-Blur' technology for sharper shots
Thanks to the Cyber-shot W30 and W50's High Sensitivity 'Anti-Blur' technology you can shoot in difficult conditions, such as low light, reducing the risk of hand shake blurring your pictures. It also allows you to capture moving objects with less blur, likewise you can be moving (such as in a car) shooting a stationary object - an option that is not possible if you're just using a camera with an optical image stabiliser. High Sensitivity even allows you to shoot with out the flash, resulting in pictures that are as sharp as when using a flash but far more naturally lit. Traditionally High Sensitivity would lead to an increase in noise, however utilising the Sony developed Clear RAW NR feature, the signal to noise ratio is greatly improved. The Sony Clear RAW NR original algorithm system reduces colour and luminance noise, enabling shooting with significantly higher sensitivity (up to ISO 1000). This ensures images with less noise and finer detail. This is especially beneficial when shooting in low-light conditions. With the Cyber-shot W30 and W50 you can relax in the knowledge that your photo opportunities will be never limited, and the results stunning every time.

Share with Style
The Cyber-shot W30 offers a convenient 2-inch LCD screen and a sleek and stylish aluminium face. The Cyber-shot W50 includes a large 2.5-inch LCD screen - allowing you to clearly frame, view and review images with ease - packaged in a sophisticated and slim all aluminium metal body. In addition to sharing your favourite pictures on the large LCD screen, images can be viewed on a connected TV screen. With the 16:9 shooting mode you can even shoot wide-screen images for playback on a wide-screen TV. Of course, images are also stored on optional Memory Stick Duo or Memory Stick PRO Duo for you to save on a PC or print out. Both cameras feature a 32MB worry-free internal memory, so you can be safe in the knowledge that you will never miss a great photo opportunity again. They both also features high speed USB 2.0 and PictBridge, the standard for printing directly to compatible PictBridge photo printers, such as the Sony DPP-FP50. The new Cyber-shot Viewer software that is supplied with both cameras offers a fast and easy to use solution for importing pictures to your PC, browsing and sharing your pictures using a new and unique calendar function, or even making simple edits such as red-eye reduction or trimming.

Sophisticated Features combined with Ease of Use
Thanks to a user-friendly layout and separate new 'Play' button, users can easily check their images without entering a complicated menu. Additionally, the new function and icon guide is great for beginners as it guides you through the main functions such as flash, macro and self-timer settings on the camera's LCD screen. Other great features include seven Scene Selection shooting modes to capture the mood of every moment. For Twilight, Twilight portrait, Landscape, Soft snap, Snow, Beach and High Sensitivity, just point and shoot while the automatic settings do all the hard work and produce excellent quality images. If you're not sure which is best for your shooting situation, then don't worry the function guide will display an accompanying explanation of the Scene Selection mode.

Greater Appeal
A great range of optional accessories are also available for the Cyber-shot W30 and W50, such as a durable black leather carry case (LCS-WE), spare LITHIUM-ION Type G rechargeable battery (NP-BG1), a smart underwater Sports Housing that you can use up to 3m underwater (SPK-WA), and variety of dedicated filters and high grade lenses.

Your language
A staggering choice of 15 menu languages on the Cyber-shot W30 and W50 is another great solution to ensure easier operation. Menu languages include: Czech, Danish, Dutch, English, Finnish, French, German, Hungarian, Italian, Norwegian, Polish, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish, and Swedish. The Cyber-shot W30 and W50 will be available throughout Europe from March 2006.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Really Very Lovely Sony Ericsson W950

Wow. Possible new phone alert! (*small beeping noise*). Four gigabytes of hard memory, and a screen big enough to look very cool indeed when at the sort of cool events we attend! (job center form signings, free soup handing outs, burglaries).

Sony Ericsson W950 4GB music phone

It's the Sony Ericsson W950, a Walkman-branded version of that cool thing we cobbled something together about a few days ago. The web site we copied this news off says it hasn't got a camera, though. Which seems a bit odd but there you go.

The Nokia IP560, a 1RU appliance delivering superior security, manageability, firewall performance and port density compared to competitive offerings

UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE.

Nokia doubles up competitors: New enterprise-class firewall at midrange price costs half as much as a rival box

Nokia IP560 with Check Point VPN-1 Pro squeezes value into new 1RU appliance; Nokia also delivers expansion option for its flagship Nokia IP2250

RSA Conference, San Jose, CA, USA - Nokia (NYSE:NOK) today announced its newest network security appliance, the Nokia IP560, a 1RU appliance delivering superior security, manageability, firewall performance and port density compared to competitive offerings costing more than twice as much. Running the Nokia IPSO operating system designed specifically for network security use, and Check Point VPN-1 Pro with SecureXL, the Nokia IP560 provides medium and large businesses with high-end performance and features at an unmatched midrange price point. The value of Nokia IP560 is further demonstrated when two appliances are paired in High Availability mode, with the two Nokia IP560s taking up no more rack space and delivering higher performance and Gigabit Ethernet port density for about the same cost as a single competing appliance.

Available from Nokia's established global channel now starting at US$16,495, the Nokia IP560 is ideal for medium and large businesses seeking an affordable midrange appliance that can expand as needed; for large businesses and enterprises in need of a rack-dense, high-throughput appliance for perimeter or internal network security; and for service providers looking for an affordable, rack-dense firewall appliance that delivers multi-gigabit levels of performance. The Nokia IP560 also provides businesses with a cost-effective migration path from other Nokia security appliances, including the Nokia IP380, IP530, IP710, and IP740.

"Today's security market is rapidly evolving. Gigabit Ethernet is emerging as the standard network within organizations putting increased importance on high port density appliances and strong firewall performance. In addition, the rise in hybrid threats, the impact of wireless environments and budget pressures further complicate the security landscape. The Nokia IP560 with Check Point VPN-1 Pro addresses these demands, delivering enterprise-class capabilities at a midrange price," said Gary Singh, head of marketing, Security and Mobile Connectivity, Nokia Enterprise Solutions.

"The Nokia IP560 with Check Point VPN-1 Pro is one more example of real business value delivered by Nokia and Check Point to companies around the world," said Ken Fitzpatrick, Chief Marketing Officer, Check Point Software Technologies Ltd. (NASDAQ: CHKP). "Nokia and Check Point have worked together for the last eight years to simplify deployment and management of security appliances across the enterprise, and today that trend continues as the Nokia IP560 offers unparalleled benefits in terms of price, performance, and total cost of ownership."

"Protecting the corporate network from external and internal threats is an increasingly complex task today that requires high performing security appliances. The Nokia IP560 armed with Check Point VPN-1 Pro is perfectly suited to handle these demands, delivering reliable and scalable protection that's very cost competitive," said Gordon Shevlin, Executive Vice President, Siegeworks.

Features and Specifications

The Nokia IP560 is available today in flash-based or hybrid configurations, allowing for the option of up to two additional hard disk drives for storage and logging. Using a four-port 1000BaseT Ethernet card, the Nokia IP560 supports 58,000 connections per second and delivers over 6 Gbps of firewall throughput and 1.9 Gbps throughput of encrypted traffic for Virtual Private Network (VPN) data. With the option of up to 16 Gigabit Ethernet ports combined with its high performance, the Nokia IP560 provides businesses with one of the most flexible, scalable and powerful appliances available in a 1RU platform.

The Nokia IP560 is configured with 1GB of DDR memory, expandable to 2GB. The appliance also provides high availability clustering functionality with included support of the Virtual Router Redundancy Protocol (VRRP) and IP Clustering; as well as support for dynamic and multicast routing. Easy management is provided through Nokia Network Voyager and Cluster Voyager for local and remote administration. The Nokia IP560 is also RoHS-compliant, meeting the European Union's restrictions on hazardous substances that will go into affect in July.

New Expansion Options for the Nokia IP2250

Along with the Nokia IP560, Nokia also announced a new expansion option for its flagship firewall/VPN appliance, the Nokia IP2250. Available now, a new 10 Gigabit Ethernet interface card increases the connectivity options for the Nokia IP2250 within the core networks of enterprise and service provider customers. The combination of 10 Gigabit Ethernet connectivity, the high throughput of the Nokia IP2250, and the networking functionality found in Nokia IPSO simplifies the deployment of Check Point VPN-1 within demanding network cores.

The new 10 Gigabit Ethernet card demonstrates Nokia's commitment to evolving its line of network security products to best support the needs of customers.

Service and Support

Consistent with the entire Nokia IP network security appliance portfolio, the Nokia IP560 is available with Nokia's world-class, SCP certified "First Call-Final Resolution" global service and support. Nokia also offers a comprehensive service portfolio ranging from Technical Support to Implementation, Professional Services and Technical Training.

The Nokia family of IP security platforms addresses offerings for small home offices to the world's largest enterprises, and complements the company's secure connectivity offerings including Nokia SSL VPN and Nokia IP VPN. Security is an integral part of mobility solutions today, and is a component of Nokia's comprehensive business mobility portfolio that also consists of devices such as the Nokia 9300 and Nokia 9300i enterprise smartphones, and the Nokia Eseries family of devices; and software like its Intellisync Mobile Suite and others that enable mobile applications such as email and enterprise voice.

For more information about the new offerings and the rest of Nokia's business mobility solutions, visit www.nokia.com/business.

Fujifilm has said it's making some new cameras today

The bad news is they all look like this:

Fujifilm F650 Zoom

Fujifilm A600 Zoom

Fujifilm F30 Zoom

Disappointing. You just don't expect this sort of bland, entry-level design from a major brand like Fujifilm. Are they trying to break into the East European market or something?

NEW THING STARTED!
We officially declare "entry level" our newest insult. As in "Your phone's a bit... 'entry level', isn't it dad?"

INSULTS WE'VE LAUNCHED SO FAR:
  • 'Pay as you Go'
  • 'Entry level'
  • 'Wanky Mac-owning toss-hole student DJ fuck' (this might have been done before but we're claiming it)
  • Monday, February 13, 2006

    Nokia 6070 -- a sort of cheap media phone

    It has a camera and a radio, and that's about it. It's probably meant for people who live in isolated villages, where anything that's 'new' and also 'a phone' is quite impressive.

    But were you to get this entry-level, tiny-screened, one-camera thing out at a fashionable Soho bar you'd be asked to leave the premises immediately -- for your own safety!

    Um... the Nokia 6070 is 'urban'?

    How much money did this photoshoot absorb? They hired models, a photographer, contacted someone at GAP to borrow lots of bland casual clothes, cordoned off a whole street, and you can't even SEE the phone! There are children in Africa who haven't even got ONE ring tone, and you're wasting money on this. Shameful.


    Nokia 6070 -- For when you've been dumped and he's taken the furniture

    We have no idea what this image is saying on any level. Is it perhaps saying the Nokia 6070 is so expensive you have to sell all your furniture to buy one?


    Nokia 6070 on its own

    Boring 'candybar' phone for people who've lost their proper one and need to get a cheap replacement at lunchtime, and there's only one shop in town that sells mobile phones. And that shop is Woolworths.


    WHY 'HE' LIKES IT SO MUCH:
    With its familiar Nokia design, the Nokia 6070 offers basic camera phone capabilities and stereo FM radio at an affordable price point. The easy-to-use and reliable handset offers excellent usability with its large color display and clear keypad layout, combined with the intuitive and well-known Nokia Series 40 user interface.

    The Nokia 6070 presents a solid range of functions for easy messaging, including SMS, MMS, Nokia Xpress audio messaging, email and instant messaging. Voice communication features include push to talk, voice recorder and an integrated handsfree speaker, complemented by an infrared interface. XHTML browser enables easy browsing for news and uploading images and videos for sharing using fast EDGE data communication. For additional entertainment, the phone comes with a stereo FM radio and supports true tones, MP3 and polyphonic MIDI ringing tones.

    The triband Nokia 6070 (E)GSM 850/1800/1900 or (E)GSM 900/1800/1900) is expected to be available in the second quarter of 2006 at an estimated retail price of 135 EUR, excluding taxes and subsidies.

    Nokia 6131 -- an easy phone that even women can understand how to use!

    Even Nokia's jumping on the promotional business photography bandwagon, with this entry we've entitled "Fit Model Talking To Her Coke Dealer/Pimp".

    Nokia 6131 -- For LovelyGirls(TM)

    This is cheating. She's clearly an actress. Actresses aren't allowed to compete on the thing-holding circuit, following Julia Roberts' controversial sweeping-of-the-board at the 1988 Hong Kong Future Home Expo.


    Nokia 6131 -- with unique Fabric Flash PhotoMode

    She's taking photos of her clothes. Is this what women do? We knew they were a bit mental, but taking photos of their clothes?! If you're a women and you take photos of your clothes, please email in and tell us why/what for. Unless it's because you're Ebaying them for drugs money, in which case we fully understand.


    Nokia 6131 on its own

    Boring silver flipper. God knows why she's so excited about it. Maybe it's because of the extensive, easy-to-use feature set that makes it poised to become a modern classic?

    WHY 'SHE' LIKES IT SO MUCH:
    With its extensive, easy-to-use feature set, the Nokia 6131 is poised to become a modern classic. This sophisticated phone pays careful attention to ergonomics, both in its compact, slim folding design and elegantly spaced keypad. Even the black soft touch paint and chrome accents make this model pleasant to the eye and the touch. At the press of a button, the phone gently opens revealing a large, high-resolution true color QVGA display that supports 16 million colors, ideal for viewing rich multimedia content. Additionally, the cover display offers 262K colors.

    As part of its comprehensive feature set, the Nokia 6131 allows consumers to enjoy their favourite music with the built-in digital music player and FM stereo radio supporting Visual Radio. Capturing and sharing images is easy with the Nokia 6131 phone's 1.3 megapixel camera, featuring a dedicated camera button and 8x digital zoom. Both the main and cover displays can be used as viewfinder.

    Other features include:
    - Bluetooth wireless technology
    - Email client supporting attachments
    - Memory card slot for hot-swappable microSD memory card
    - Nokia Xpress audio messaging and push to talk connectivity

    The quadband Nokia 6131 (GSM/EDGE 850/900/1800/1900) is expected to be available to customers in European, Asian, African and select Latin American markets in the second quarter of 2006 at an estimated retail price of 275 EUR, excluding taxes and subsidies. A version for North American markets will be announced later in 2006.

    Wednesday, February 08, 2006

    Motorola RAZR Z, being held

    This is how to hold things, Sony. Motorola's new RAZR is a 'slider' for people who like sliders. "Open the portal, Mr Mallory!" (that's a quote from the TV show 'Sliders', which we liked, meaning we like Sliders. We got confused, and that was the hilarious consequence.)

    Motorola RAZR Z

    The RAZR Z has a 2.2" screen, a 1-megapixel camera and can play MP3s. It looks all right but we can't get excited about something that's always marketed as BEING REALLY COOL AND EDGY and for celebrities.

    The new Sony Ericsson M600

    It's for business users, which can only mean one thing -- PROMOTIONAL BUSINESS PHOTOGRAPHY!

    Sony Ericsson M600 - FOR BUSINESSMEN

    Pathetic thing-holding. He looks uncomfortable, there's nothing natural about the hold, and he's quite clearly a man who isn't enjoying himself. This proves once again how far the West is lagging behind the Asian thing-holding scene.


    Sony Ericsson M600 - FOR SMUG RICH BUSINESSMEN

    Yeah, they're smiling now, but they won't be so fucking smug when a gang of 15-year-olds mug them on the way home to the house they bought in that 'up-and-coming' area of South London. She's probably being raped RIGHT NOW while four more of them are stealing his coat and shoes.


    Sony Ericsson M600 - GIRLS NOT IMPRESSED

    It's the first Sony Ericsson phone to take Sony's new Memory Stick Micro format, the Memory Stick that's smaller and therefore more expensive. It comes with a 64MB one, which is rubbish. She's not impressed by that. He's not getting any sex until he's upgraded to at least a 512MB one.


    Sony Ericsson M600 - COMES IN BLACK OR WHITE!

    The M600 is available in Granite Black and Crystal White, which means it comes in black and white. Europe gets the M600i variant in what businessmen refer to as Q2.


    EMPOWERING THE BUSINESSMAN WITH BUSINESS FEATURES THAT PUT BUSINESS FIRST:

    Imaging & Messaging

    * QVGA 2.6'' display
    * 262K colours TFT
    * Video playback 30 fps
    * Online picture sharing
    * SMS, MMS, POP3 e-mail
    * Push e-mail
    * Dual function keyboard
    * Typing corrections and word completion
    * Handwriting Recognition
    * Touch screen

    Entertainment

    * Media Player (support for MP3, AAC, ACC+, E-AAC+ and m4a)
    * OMA DRM phase 1
    * Streaming Audio/Video
    * Audio out over system connector
    * 3D games, Java MIDP 2.0
    * 40 Polyphonic ring tones

    Connectivity

    * Dual Mode UMTS 2100 MHz, triple band GPRS 900/1800/1900MHz
    * Symbian 9.1 and UIQ 3.0
    * Stereo Bluetooth(tm) support
    * Infrared SIR
    * 80 MB internal user memory
    * Expandable Memory Stick Micro(tm) (M2(tm))
    * Full HTML browser Opera 8
    * RSS feeds
    * Flight mode
    * PC Tools & Software
    * PC Synchronization
    * USB 2.0 Mass storage, Full speed (12 Mbps)
    * USB charging
    * External antenna connector
    * Stereo Portable Handsfree and USB cable in box

    Business

    * VPN clients (for free)
    * Encryption (try & buy apps)
    * Virus Protection/Firewall ( try & buy apps)
    * Onboard application shop
    * Speakerphone
    * PowerPoint, Word and Excel editors
    * Adobe PDF viewer

    Tuesday, February 07, 2006

    N-GAGE and Atari team up! Behold the DREAM TEAM!

    The two most underperfoming brand names of the last three years TOGETHER AT LAST! Spiralling towards their inevitable doom, knowing this will be their last embrace like passengers on doomed American Airlines Flight 77.

    NOKIA PRESS RELEASE February 7, 2006

    "Get Ready!" Go old school anytime, anywhere with Atari Masterpieces Volume 2 on the N-Gage platform

    Espoo, Finland - Nokia today unveils Atari Masterpieces Volume 2, the latest catalogue of classic Atari arcade games for the N-Gage platform.

    Atari Masterpieces Volume 2 brings eight of the most popular original Atari arcade-games to the N-Gage world, including Asteroids Deluxe, Crystal Castles, Centipede, Liberator, Pong, Space Duel, Tempest and Warlords. Additional features include four bonus unlockable Atari 2600 titles, including 2600 Air-Sea Battle, 2600 Canyon Bomber, 2600 Mini-Golf and 2600 Video Checkers.

    "We've teamed up with Backbone Entertainment, creators of RIFTS®: Promise of Power TM and Shadow-Born to create Atari Masterpieces Volume 2, the second heritage-rich Atari games compilation compiled for the N-Gage - the gamers phone ," said Gregg Sauter, Director, Games Publishing, Nokia. "These games play virtually identically to the originals, but with an N-Gage twist; gamers can upload their high-score onto the N-Gage Arena for new century bragging rights and, as an added bonus, two people can play on one N-Gage together, using the Hot Seat function."

    Atari Masterpieces Volume 2 for the N-Gage will start shipping in March 2006.

    About the games:

    Asteroids Deluxe: The sequel to Asteroids in 1981. Asteroids Deluxe added new enemies and a powerful shield button, when players experienced difficulties.

    Centipede: Centipede pitted players against a never ending barrage of spiders, fleas, scorpions and of course, centipedes as they tried to fill the screen with mushrooms. The game's fast paced action made it an instant classic.

    Crystal Castles: Crystal Castles was one of the most beautiful and puzzling games ever made. Players took control of Bentley Bear as he explored mazes, trying to collect gems without being caught by his enemies.

    Liberator: Liberator is one of the rarer arcade games in the Atari line-up - fewer than 800 arcade cabinets were produced. The game has been described as Missile Command® in reverse!

    Pong: The game that started it all. Legend goes that the original prototype of the game was tested in a tavern in Sunnyvale, California, and used a bread pan as its coin collector.

    Space Duel: The only multi-player vector game ever released by Atari - Space Duel first hit arcades in early 1982. Its mix of fast action, Asteroids style play and bright colors quickly made it a cult hit.

    Tempest: Tempest was one of the most abstract, but addictive games to ever hit the arcade. Originally trying to build a 3D version of another common Arcade game, it took a bad dream to deliver the idea of plummeting down into the levels instead of the other way around.

    Warlords: Warlords first hit arcades in 1980 and launched a multi-player revolution. Warlords allowed players to catch a flaming ball and sling it at the castles of their foes.

    Monday, February 06, 2006

    Sony's 8GB MICROVAULT PRO

    Another thing we have to like because of the official use of CAPITAL LETTERS in its name. It's a portable hard drive, one that's worse than most because (a) it isn't also an MP3 player, and (b) it's by Sony.

    It looks cool, before it inevitably breaks and makes you look stupid.

    8GB MICROVAULT PRO

    Sony did that to the photo, not us. It's official Sony Photoshop work, all that blurry-edge stuff.

    ANOTHER QUALITY SONY PRODUCTION:
    Sony launches sleek new 8GB MICROVAULT PRO

    Feb 6, 2006 Paris / Weybridge, 6th February, 2006 - Sony Europe's Recording Media & Energy (RME) division has today announced the new 8GB model in its MICROVAULT PRO range. The one-inch hard disk drive is protected by a newly designed, highly polished, metal casing which, complete with the unique USB swivel connector, is able to plug straight into a computer USB port.

    The new MICROVAULT PRO stands out from its predecessors with its sleek new shape and higher storage capacity, providing a secure, portable and elegant storage device for people on the move. The size of a business card, the ultra-portable 8GB MICROVAULT PRO comes pre-loaded with Sony's Auto Sync file synchronisation for high quality storage capacity. This software ensures that the user always has their most up-to-date files with them wherever they go and allows the retrieval of up to ten generations of a file stored on the MICROVAULT PRO.

    The new 8GB MICROVAULT PRO will be available from February 2006 at a recommended retail price of 199 EURO including VAT.


    WHAT'S 199 EUROS IN PROPER MONEY?
    £135.

    Sony : Sony launches sleek new 8GB MICROVAULT PRO : Europe

    Sunday, February 05, 2006

    "You have an incoming message" announces the voice of Lieutenant Commander Worf

    "Hello? I'm on the USS Excelsior. No, it's running late. We've just left sector 001. No, I haven't been in Ten Forward. No, I only had a prune juice."

    Sona Mobile Star Trek Communicator phone

    It's an actual photo of the Sona Mobile Star Trek Communicator phone. Elsewhere on the site it says you can use the video player to watch clips of your favourite Star Trek episodes.

    Which would be The Next Generation Series 3 episode 15 'Yesterday's Enterprise'! Failing that, 'Best of Both Worlds'.

    Keep your 'frequencies open' for further news!

    Sona Mobile - Theme Phones

    FM Radio transmitter for Sony Ericsson W800 series

    If you're bored of listening to The Editors and assorted other Franz Ferdinand clones playing live on Radio 1 -- and have a Sony Ericsson W810, W600, Z520A or W800 -- you can attach the MMR-60 to it and broadcast your own vastly superior MP3 collection to a nearby radio.

    Sony Ericsson MMR-60 FM radio transmitter for W800 series

    It's DISGRACEFUL to see such a well-known company as Sony Ericsson endorsing free music distribution via this emerging "radio" format. Hypocrisy of the highest order.

    Overview - - Mobile phone - Sony Ericsson FM Music Transmitter MMR-60 -

    Friday, February 03, 2006

    New Mini unveiled in Korea

    This is an idea for a joke we just had. The joke is that Minis are small, but this car looks big. Which means if that car is a Mini, those girls must be *tiny*.

    Because foreign girls really are tiny. The more we explain it the less funny it becomes.

    New Mini unveiled in Korea

    It didn't really work, did it?

    GAY GADGET DAY: Wickle pink vacuum cleaner

    Double income no kids? Then buy a fucking robot to do the dirty work for you! You can afford it. It's a few hundred quid, but it's not like you'll be leaving the money to your kids, is it?

    Roomba vacuum thing in super cute pink

    It's the special pink ribbon version of the Roomba suction machine. Yes, we said suction machine. There's nothing gay about that.

    Thursday, February 02, 2006

    Why would an MP3 player cost £25000?

    And why would you call them Funis, Unus, Via and Astrum? Truly the choice of the world's finest idiots, and proof that 95% of the world's shittest things are owned by the top 5% of rich pricks:

    Douglas.J MP3 Player

    It's the Douglas.J MP3 player which has little diamonds on it which means it costs £25000. And to think we've been umming and ahhing about maybe getting a new Creative Zen if the price comes down by a tenner.

    The Douglas.J MP3 Player - Class 85 - Endorsed by Xavier Aeon

    Sony Vaio SZ Series

    Ooh, carbon fibre! Like what race cars are made out of! This will therefore be worth spending £1500 on, even though Sony laptops break at a rate of one component a week*.

    VAIO SZ Series

    *Estimate based on our first-generation Sony DVD player which lasted two years before the random error messages flashed up.

    THE BORING THINGS ABOUT ITS SPECS:
    The VAIO SZ-Series: The Premium Carbon Fibre Notebook For Professionals
    A winning hand of new technology and materials ensures that the SZ-Series is super-light, powerful and styled to perfection.
    Feb 1, 2006

    Brussels, 1st February 2006 - The VAIO SZ-Series offers everything the professional needs. Carbon fibre construction means strength without a weight penalty, while distinctive styling and finish make sure it gets noticed. The new-generation X-black enhanced screen is lighter and thinner than ever before, while still delivering a vivid widescreen picture. Innovative 'Stamina mode' switchable graphics gives users real 3D power when needed, and lengthy battery life the rest of the time. Dual-core processor generates serious performance, while fingerprint recognition and TPM provide robust security to your data. At the top of the range1, the chassis is worked from carbon fibre for unparalleled strength and lightness. This is a vital factor in reducing the carrying weight of these models to just 1.69kg. The finish is fine-textured, eye-catching and obviously out of the ordinary. A meticulously brushed aluminium palm rest provides the final touch.

    The screen is equally carefully crafted. The ultra-thin LED backlight and light guide give selected models2 the slimmest and lightest 13.3-inch WideXGA notebook displays in existence. Sony X-black LCD(tm) enhancement ensures that it's one of the best looking too, with true black, vivid colour and exceptional brightness and contrast. The 'Stamina Mode' switch lets users select between the default Intel integrated graphics for everyday use, and an NVIDIA(r) GeForce(tm) Go 7400 for maximum 3D or HD video performance. This means you can save battery power by not using the NVIDIA GPU except when needed, boosting battery life up to six hours. Future-proof power comes from the Intel(r) Core(tm) Duo processors used throughout the range. Dual-core technology effectively gives you two processors in one - with the performance benefits you'd expect. The high-end Intel(r) Core(tm) Duo T2500 processor will be featured on the SZ1VP limited edition available from Sony Style (www.sonystyle-europe.com) in selected countries and from selected Sony Centres in The United Kingdom. The SZ1VP also features a 120 GB Hard disk drive.

    The SZ-Series is ready to meet the world. An integrated camera3 and microphone allow convenient video communications across a company network or the internet, while Bluetooth4 and high-speed wireless networking provide cable-free convenience in and out of the office. When you would rather keep things to yourself, the SZ offers ironclad data protection. First, there's biometric gatekeeper security in the form of fingerprint recognition. Then, Trusted(tm) Platform Module (TPM) hardware prevents hackers from accessing passwords and encryption keys. Finally, the hard disk itself can sense if the notebook is dropped, and parks the HDD head to prevent damage to data.

    "With the SZ-Series we have again raised the bar," says Jun Koyama, Director of IT for VAIO Of Europe (VOE). "Its uncompromising fusion of new technology and exacting design is what we believe discerning professionals - and consumers - now expect from a serious product. At this level, the days of plastic mouldings and chunky 'styling' are long gone."

    Wednesday, February 01, 2006

    26th annual 'Lovely Awards'

    Congratulations to Becky Popwell, voted loveliest girl in the office for the third consecutive year by the men in the post room:

    Lovely girl award

    Becky also walked away with 'Mostly Likely to Swallow It All' and the coveted 'Definitely Would'.

    2GB Memory Stick PRO Duo 2 for PSP

    This is new news! Sony's just released its 2GB Memory Stick. It's new news to us, at least, bearing in mind our PSP is now under 2.5 inches of dust as the post-Lumines lull drags on.

    2GB Memory Stick PRO Duo PSP

    THE FULL SHIT:
    Sony announces the launch of its 2GB Memory Stick PRO Duo PSP (TM) Feb 1, 2006

    Paris / Weybridge, 1st February, 2006 - Sony Europe's Recording Media & Energy (RME) division today announced the launch of its new 2GB Memory Stick PRO Duo being included in special promotional packs for the PSP(tm)(PlayStation(r)Portable).

    The Memory Stick PRO Duo's increased storage capacity enables it to hold large amounts of multimedia data including digital photos, music files, videos and games as well as podcasts and video blogs. Users will be able to make full use of the PSP(tm)'s powerful multi-media capabilities, utilising the enhanced mobile storage capacity now available while on the move. In addition, a USB cable is also included in the new Memory Stick kit to store data from a PC and view it on the PSP(tm).

    The new 2GB Memory Stick PRO Duo complements the existing line-up of Memory Stick PRO Duo media kits for the PSP(tm), available in capacities ranging between 256MB and 1GB. The availability of the 2GB Memory Stick PRO Duo promotion pack for the PSP(tm)will vary from country to country and be available at an estimated end-user price of 175 EUROs incl. VAT.

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