iPods - poisonous and killing people!

According to Greenpeace, anyway. Although if Greenpeace had its way we wouldn't be allowed to eat sweets, because when you wee out sugar it goes in the sea and makes dolphins fat.



"...poison Apples full of chemicals (like toxic flame retardants, and polyvinyl chloride) are being sold worldwide. When they're tossed, they usually end up at the fingertips of children in China, India and other developing-world countries. They dismantle them for parts, and are exposed to a dangerous toxic cocktail that threatens their health and the environment".

MAD ENVIRO-CONCERN HERE:
Greenpeace - Anti-Apple campaign

OTHER THINGS GREENPEACE IS 'AGAINST':

Radio - radio waves destroy sunbeams

Milk - little more than cow rape

Potatoes - millions of worms get forked during the farming process

Whales - each new whale is responsible for a 2mm rise in global sea levels

The Nokia N95 looks great and everything

...but we'll only use the camera twice a year and all the other stuff for boasting about in the pub once.



BUT! It has a standard 3.5mm audio jack, which is a headphone socket. That's the killer feature we've been waiting for. And - yes! - it supports HSDPA, WLAN, EDGE and WCDMA!

THE OTHER KILLER FEATURES WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR:

Free non-expiring Empornium account

A free someone to talk to

A nice quiet ring tone that isn't all "BOOF-BOOF-DIDDLEY-WAH-WAH-CHING-CHING"

Sony VAIO VGN-SZ2VP review

Nice, but heats up a bit underneath.



2/10.

"Sony investigates notebook fire"

Happy Monday, everyone!

Sony investigates notebook fire | Business | Reuters.co.uk

Toshiba HD-A2 HD-DVD player

HD-DVD's launch was so rubbish the "second generation" machines are here after only three months. That's like buying a car, and then buying another car really soon after!

It's the HD-A2 HD-DVD player, Toshiba's latest go at making HD-DVD seem like a good idea.



From your sofa it looks like any old DVD player, just like the picture on the screen. Out in October, in America, for 500 dollars. Which is quite a lot but less of a waste than Blu-ray if you want a positive angle.

The Nokia 6288 from the top

You don't often get to see the top of things. Don't say we're not innovating the world of tech blogging.



It's a nice top and has what appears to be the universal symbol for an 'on' button. This is sure to have Apple running scared!

"Mug me, I'm a fucking moron with my iPod on my head"

Mug me! Mug me! Mug me! Then leave my unconscious and bleeding body in an alleyway for the horrified binmen to find tomorrow morning. Thanks, stupid iPod hat.



It's the stupid iPod hat. By stupid people, for stupid people who want to be found stabbed and dead within 24 hours of going to the post office to pick up the package that's slightly too big for the letter box. "Death wish? Get this!"



Make sure you look at the iSoundCap gallery. This is a 'before' shot illustrating how hard it is to listen to an iPod when your brain's been rotted away by injecting horse testosterone for eight years because you have body image issues and think that 'big muscles' mean you're in control of your body and therefore your life.



Here they hammer the point home a bit too hard. They are exaggerating the problems of iPod headphone cables by a factor of FIVE THOUSAND BILLION.



This one's called "At the office" although they're obviously not at any office. It's the house of the man who invented it and that's his wife or girlfriend. She looks angry because they had to move all the furniture out of the way to take one stupid photo of her wearing a stupid hat that she knows is a rubbish idea and definitely wasn't worth re-mortgaging the house so 'Steve' could make 50,000 of them before even taking any concrete orders. And she's worried the chairs might not get put back exactly where they were before.

CREATE YOUR OWN FANTASY SCENARIOS HERE:
iSoundCap.com - Wire-free your music!

AND IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WASN'T STUPID ENOUGH:
Bandanas - Coming Soon.

Fake runner eliminated in qualifiers

Bad news for Great Britain again - Nick Willis, from local Reading club Holding Eagles, failed to qualify for the final of the Men's Outdoor Championships in Hong Kong this weekend.



"Nick was clearly standing on the spot" said Venezuelan judge Joe Cortez at the post-event press conference, highlighting "unrealistic arm positioning" and an "insincere smile" as the key reasons for Nick's early exit. Nick's disappointed parents had flown over especially to watch the inaugural men's holding event.

"Turn your iPod into your own band"

Yes, they really said that. About this:



Every time we think we're getting bored of 'hating on' iPod accessory companies, some new bunch of venture capital-funded fools come along and lower the bar with a new idea they just had for cashing in on the iPod bubble.



It's like one of those mobius strip drawings where the perspective always looks wrong.



It says "copyright 2006" at the bottom of the page, so this is definitely a new web site someone made. Check it out here: the shoddiest web site you will see in 2006.

Nokia E62 - for boring emails

Staff? Business? Meeting? Sales? Presentation? If you ever have an email inbox like that it's time to quit work, move to a village in Wales and lie about being disabled to get lots of benefits. How we pity the businessmen with their purple shirts, wide ties, neatly trimmed sideburns and boring emails about sales.



NEW RULE: Work email is only to be used for emailing around MySpace profiles of girls and work colleagues.

OTHER NEW RULES FOR THE WORKPLACE:

All girls not wearing trousers and jumpers are to be considered 'fair game'

People with posh names like 'Josh' may be sacked for no reason

No 'serious' emails to be sent after 11.30am

A worker with a hard drive full of porn and MP3s is a happy worker

No one is to look at anyone else's internet history

All receptionists to be a minimum 36E

Hegre Art desktop images are OK

'Humorous' ringtones to carry the anal torture penalty

No phones in general

Not much talking either

The new 1GB iPod Shuffle

Easier to fit up your arse:



And cheaper, so you've got more money left over to spend on important things, like the new Shapeshifters track on import vinyl to drop next time you play out at the student union bar.

The Canon EOS-1Ds Mark II, EOS-1D Mark II N, EOS 5D, EOS 30D, EOS 350D, EOS 400D, EOS 1V, EOS-1V HS, EOS 3, EOS 30V Date, EOS 300X and EOS 3000V

Canon is proud to announce the Canon EOS-1Ds Mark II, EOS-1D Mark II N, EOS 5D, EOS 30D, EOS 350D, EOS 400D, EOS 1V, EOS-1V HS, EOS 3, EOS 30V Date, EOS 300X and EOS 3000V as sponsors of the 2006 Canon Pro Tennis Tournament.



And that bloke at the back in the middle looks like he's got a Kodak EasyShare V603.

Maria Sharapova looking like a sexy robot and standing in front of a photo of the Space Shuttle

It's not an MP3 player or a phone or a camera, but it's the best photo we've found all week. She might be promoting Moon tourism! Or a new space hotel! Or a new amazingly realistic model of Maria Sharapova you can buy and have.



It's from the Sony Ericsson archive. They sponsor her. They own her and can do what they want to her.

Sony Cyber-shot DSC-N2

It can take 10.1 'mega photos' at the same time, according to the logo.



We're not sure if that means it can take or *store* 10.1 photopraphs at once. We've emailed Sony asking for clarification.

Philips announces tri-screen pornography browsing solution

The Philips Tri-Screen PornStation is ideal for enjoying today's modern high-resolution pornographic material as the artist intended.



No longer do you have to resize the output of your favourite high-def pornography to fit your monitor resolution - with the Philips PornStation the image is automatically scaled to fit across every display device within wi-fi range.

A monitor especially for feet, and another just for bottoms - whatever your area of expertise, there's a setup that's right for you!

The Nokia L'Amour Collection - Le telefon pour femme

Or, to put it another way, pink mobile phones with labels on for women accompanied by the most ludicrous press release in history. Well, since that one where Sony said PlayStation3 was going to come out.



"From the elegantly iconic Nokia 7390, Nokia's first 3G fashion phone, to the truly desirable Nokia 7373 and the timeless Nokia 7360, each model from the latest L'Amour Collection draws its design inspiration from tribal art and ethnic decoration"

NOKIA 7390 SPECS FOR MEN:
- WCDMA (3G) offering high speed streaming, video calling
- 3 Megapixel camera with autofocus and integrated flash
- Music player with one-button access




"Finding inspiration in the faded luxury of grand architecture, the models from the L'Amour Collection will be appreciated as much for their exotic design as well as their impressive sophisticated set of features"

NOKIA 7373 SPECS FOR MEN:
- 2 megapixel camera
- Music, video player, twin stereo speakers
- Complementary fashion headset, pouch and phone jewellery




"Forms remain modern, round and pure. An earthy palate of colour and traditional materials, updates the bohemian feel of the earlier collection. Aspects of embroidery, 3D appliqué, ceramic tiling and other traditional decoration are refined and modernised through a new craftsmanship - resulting in beautifully embossed leather finishes and graphics which are sublime yet eclectic"

NOKIA 7360 SPECS FOR MEN:
- Stereo FM radio, integrated camera, MMS
- MP3 ring tones
- Nokia Xpress Audio Messaging


"Undoubtedly the phone that Lewis Carroll's Alice would have used had she needed to make a call from Wonderland"

Nokia 7390: Professional elegance with a modern edge
This sleek, elegant fold phone, consummately blends precision technology with groundbreaking design. As Nokia's first 3G fashion phone, the Nokia 7390 combines exquisite materials and design innovation within a fully featured phone. The 3 megapixel camera and WCDMA high-speed connectivity is subtly hidden within ceramic-inspired shell and leather panels. Ideal for a 24/7 lifestyle, the Nokia 7390 is available in two colours, a Bronze Black version provides a masculine feel, echoing cigar parlours and oak-panelled studies of a by-gone era. The Powder Pink model is a daring combination of ceramic white and powder pink, a colour palate currently found on fashion catwalks and furniture fairs.

The estimated retail price of the Nokia 7390 is expected to be approximately EUR 450, excluding taxes and subsidies.

Nokia 7373: Metropolitan style, fluid form
Ethnic patterns and a compact swivel design gives the Nokia 7373 its fresh look and perfect grip. Elaborate tribal markings provide a unique point for contemporary design interpretation, where form and decoration are married seamlessly together. This results in finely tooled surfaces, exquisite detail, embossed finishing and further decoration when the mobile phone is opened, proving that the Nokia 7373 is a veritable treasure chest of reference and culture.

The Nokia 7373 is available in Bronze black, Powder Pink and Black Chrome, with a wide array of complementary graphical themes. The estimated retail price of the Nokia 7373 is expected to be approximately EUR 350, excluding taxes and subsidies.

Nokia 7360: Subtly styled, elegantly compact
The Nokia 7360 is an elegant and compact mobile phone, subtly styled with accents inspired by metal, leather and transparent surfaces. The innovative use of materials gives this mobile phone its unique character, which evokes modern design classics. A tactile inlayed leather effect gently wraps around the phone, meeting smooth ceramic-inspired surfaces and glistening metallic details. The Nokia 7360 comes in two colour options. A chrome and black original that is strong, streamlined and reliable. The Powder Pink girlish, charming and undoubtedly the phone that Lewis Carroll's Alice would have used had she needed to make a call from Wonderland.

The estimated retail price of the Nokia 7360 is expected to be approximately EUR 200, excluding taxes and subsidies.

The renewed L'Amour Collection is a universal journey of romance, a fusion of technology with traditional craft and a union of ancient art with modern communication. Each model from the L'Amour Collection is expected to begin shipping this fall.

Samsung PeaceCalm - the discreet life-ending solution

Depressed people now have a safe, convenient way to end it all, thanks to the Samsung PeaceCalm.

Rolling out to internet cafes, arcades, supermarkets and pubs in Q2 2007, PeaceCalm safely and quietly lets you end it all with a minimum of fuss. A simple dose of high radiation to the brain ends physical and mental anguish in seconds.



A built in colour printer and 15* will templates make sorting out the paperwork before you go a breeze. If you're ready to go, don't be a burden to your family and friends - achieve PeaceCalm with Samsung.

*More available via online microtransaction.

The Samsung P310 is a nice small phone

Looks a bit Star Trek. Also takes photos, judging by that hole on the back. The logo would appear to illustrate that it can take 2.0 photos at the same time. That's useful!



Takes Micro SD cards too, so you don't have to endorse Sony's evil Memory Stick masterplan. There isn't anything else interesting left to say about mobile phones.

A photo taken with the Nokia N80

The Nokia N80 is a phone, but can do photos like this:



Click on it. Go on, click on it. It's amazing that a phone made that, given that the main use of phones is making it easy to communicate with people by letting you send text instead of using your weak, stuttery voice.

Much as we hate the idea of being the sort of cunt who uses a phone as their "main camera" instead of a camera as their main camera, this is a hell of an impressive technical leap. We are currently examining the small print of our phone contract to see if any sort of upgrade can be blagged.

MORE PHONE CAMERA SHOT COMPARISONS HERE:
Flickr: Photos from Shakespearesmonkey

THE UPDATED LIST OF PEOPLE WE HATE:

1. STUDENTS THAT ARE ALSO DJS

2. STUDENTS

3. ANTI-CAPITALISTS

4. WEB DESIGNERS WHO ALSO OWN MACS

5. PEOPLE WHO USE PHONES AS THEIR "MAIN CAMERA"

6. PEOPLE WHO TAKE PHOTOS OF EVERYDAY EVENTS ON THEIR PHONE CAMERAS, SUCH AS "HERE'S SO-AND-SO IN THE PUB", AS IF A MAN BEING IN A PUB IS SUCH A SPECIAL EVENT THAT IT NEEDS TO BE CAPTURED 20 TIMES FROM 20 DIFFERENT ANGLES AND POSTED ON FLICKR SO EVERYONE CAN SEE IT

Joy Liu wins gold in the Symmetry Division

An impressive alignment error of a mere .05% was low enough to secure the Korean favourite the gold yesterday, as Britain crashed to its worst thing-holding result in a decade at the 2006 Seoul Indoor Holding Championships.



Opting for the harder yet higher scoring horizontal/vertical alignment rather than the more traditional side-by-side technique favoured by the former Soviet Union holders, Joy's .05% misalignment trounced silver medalist Kim Wing Suk's 0.15% degree of error. Third was Ukrainian Yurislav Kuznetskova with an angle accuracy error degree of 0.25%.



Joy also took silver in the Angled Hold, managing to maintain an angle of 27 degrees for a solid sixteen minutes.

Britain's Lucy Wilson trailed in a disappointing 16th, after dropping one of her two Creative Neeons while attempting a difficult Parallel Lateral Comparison.