LG retaliates - 'sexy war' breaks out in Korea

Following yesterday's 10/10 Samsung TV babe, LG has struck back with TWO sensational attempts at sexing up its products.



This is total PR photo porn. Amazing work. There's only one winner in this 'sexy war' - us, the men with their trousers undone and the curtains closed and numerous tabs of pornography open at once.



We'd do her through VGA, then through component, then through SCART, then, if we haven't fallen asleep, through S-video just to see what it's like.



This is the dream. Perhaps one day the two warring companies will put aside their differences? And lez up. Then maybe Siemens could turn up and start joining in.

Samsung launches new 1080p plasma range

Not that we're paying attention to boring stuff like specifications and screen sizes when there's THIS:



We'd certainly like to full her HD! Then, er, HD her right in her MI, then, er, contrast her ratios for a bit.

An angry review of "New" Blogger, AKA "Blogger Beta"

It's the single worst piece of software in the history of the internet. We're doing this review in the hope that anyone else who, like us, now spends hours searching Google for answers to why bits of Blogger don't work any more work finds it and posts a comment in agreement. It's the only way to make it feel better.



Blogger's always been slow and rubbish, especially publishing via FTP to your own server and double-especially when you make a minor template change and have to republish the entire site. Now it's worse. Blogger has removed the percentage display from the 'publishing' screen, so you no longer have an idea of how long it's taking, or if it's even working at all (as it often just doesn't).



And now the process pauses if Blogger decides its taking too long. So you can't just set it off publishing and go off to do something less mind-numbing than staring at a screen that never updates. You have to sit there and click the "continue waiting" bit whenever it decides to pause the process. This makes publishing a large blog UTTER TORTURE.



And if something goes wrong it says "Your blog published with errors". It doesn't say what the errors are so that you may rectify the errors. You just have to start all over again.



You also have to sign in using your Gmail email address, which, when your PC refuses to remember your login and password EVERY FUCKING TIME, means typing in your email address and password each time. Granted this isn't an inconvenience on the same level of not having any legs or bladder control, but it's still a huge pain when you update your sites and edit draft articles a few times a day.



As for innovations - Blogger now lets you 'tag' articles with its totally-different-sounding 'label' system. This is nice, although simply changing the tag on one article means republishing the ENTIRE blog. Which, as we've just pointed out, can take an hour or might not work at all.



You'd think that in eight years Blogger or new owner Google might've managed to make a thing better, rather than stripping away functionality and making it worse. But no. It's worse. And once you've switched to the "new" one there's no going back.



But Wordpress is too hard so it looks like we're stuck with it for now. Stupid internet.



New Blogger final score: "1/10 - "The single worst piece of software in the history of the internet" - Idiot Toys

Canon Powershot TX1

Nice industrial modernist design. Like a tin of 1950s toffees crossed with a webcam from the year 2012. It films 720p footage, which means it can record 720 pictures every hour - enough for most Hollywood motion pictures!



Plus it does 7.1 megapixel still shots, has image stabilisation and a 10x zoom. It is non-ironically very nice.

Fujifilm FinePix A820 - more than a bit boring

Trouble getting to sleep? Look at one of these for three minutes before bed.



Amazing herbal cure. Definitely not in the running in the What's Our Next New Camera Going To Be? stakes. Wouldn't even recommend this to an elderly relative in case they died and we ended up owning the dullstrosity.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

The Motorola A820

The Samsung A820

The Motorola A820. It's only from 2003. Probably all the rage in Mogadishu's gay bars right now.

Canon EOS MKIII - a two-and-a-half-grand digital camera

But it's only 10 megapixels. You can get 10 megapixel cameras for about £130. What a rip off. Canon sucks. This will not be our next new camera.



The EOS MKIII also looks a bit bulky and doesn't seem to have a built-in flash. Terrible. 3/10.

Canon Powershot SD1000 ELPH (what we call an IXUS)

We're not thinking of buying this one, just putting a photo of it on the internet as it's quite pretty. If we were girls this would definitely be our next camera.



It has a... oh, you can probably guess yourself by now. And everything's printed on the front of it anyway. There's no point doing a list.

Hi-Watt battery spotted in wild

Previously all we had to prove these beauties existed was a link to the maker's web site.

Not any more!



This apparently genuine photo was sent in by reader "No 7" who also included the following joke: "They contain 0% mercury and 0% cadmium, so they probably don't count towards your 5-a-day government approved nutritional intake"



This is the photo currently at the top of the Hi-Watt home page. It would appear these women don't know what a battery is, or perhaps they're excited about the tingling sensation it generates when they put it on their sex bits.

F.A.O. all three of our girl readers

Nokia's made this especially for you. Try not to lose it among the 12 cushions needlessly placed on your bed, or behind those teddy bears you really should have put up in the loft by now as you're 26.



The Nokia N7373 'special' edition. It's special because (400 WORD RANT REMOVED TO AVOID OFFENDING WOMEN AND THE GAY).

Should our next camera be a Nikon Coolpix P5000?

Only it looks quite nice. Can the people who seem to know about cameras please post some comments in the comments section about if this is better than the Canon Powershot A710IS we're currently planning to get in about five weeks. Thanks.



It has image stabilisation, 10 megapixels, 3.5x zoom and, most importantly, looks a bit edgy in its black finish. Please make the decision for us.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

The Westover FBP-P5000 Dual Magnification Digital Inspection Probe

The P5000 Champion Ladies' Stretch Fleece Pants

The P5000 Multi-function meter

The Pipetman Classic P5000 Fully Adjustable Air Displacement Pipette

The Zvetco Biometrics P5000 Fingerprint Device

The Accuphase P5000 Stereo Power Amplifier

The Accuphase P5000 Stereo Power Amplifier. Seems to be made by using two old speedometers from a 1963 Volvo 122.

CHEATS!

There are definitely five hands in this photo:



The depths people will sink to are unbelievable. The Korean pair is bound to be stripped of their bronze when this photo is investigated.

They will also be given a warning over the state of their faces.

Carol Vorderman in HOT MILF shame

Sorry this isn't a mobile phone or an MP3 player with a newer and bigger hard drive than the one you just bought, but we haven't got a blog about women born in the 1950s we'd like to have sex with so this'll have to go up here:



It's a shame YouTube can't put things on an endless loop.

Friday night is ladies night!

Have a good weekend, all you hot honeyz out there in gadget land.

Can't find anything to do today

So here's a vacuum cleaner.



Say something funny about it.

A 9.6MB 4368x2912 photograph of an iPod vending machine

Because this is our bit of the internet and we can put whatever we want on it.



HIGHLIGHTS:



Fat arms.



Buttons.



Carpet.



A lie about iPods being cheap, when they are in fact the most expensive option for listening to music you've stolen. Apple is in danger of overtaking Sony as the world's leading purveyor of tech lies at this rate.

The Pietroguerra FLeX 4.2 Foldable Mini-ITX HTPC

We had to Google HTPC. It means Home Theatre Personal Computer, which, we think, means it's a little, quiet computer you can put near your TV and use to play back pirated episodes of Lost and Heroes and Battlestar Galactica, then a couple of hours of porn before bed.



This is what it looks like.



This is how it folds.



Then this is what it looks like.



It goes this way up too. That's three ways it can go up! It's so versatile. It also has built-in processors and chips and memory, which enable the displaying of graphics and sound. Plus it has a built-in amplifier, which assists the playing of sound further still. And look! Silver feet.

MORE HERE:
mini-itx.com - news - The FLeX 4.2 Foldable Mini-ITX HTPC

Yesterday's Nokia lifestyle photography!

Nokia said it's making three new phones yesterday. Well, not actually making them yesterday, but probably putting them into manufacturing in late Q2 and then keeping the product line in production for three years to take advantage of increasing economies of scale throughout the run as they eventually roll the handsets out to developing markets in 08/09. The phones are the E65, E90 and that stupid N77 TV thing we just did something about.

The answer to the question was "yes". Yes, they did release some accompanying lifestyle photography. It was a mixed bag.



This is the E65. Nokia has made a massive error by picturing it beside a man. Had it been waved about by an olive-skinned woman in a skimpy orange dress we'd have been much more receptive to reading about its features and whether its camera is better than our camera.



Here's one of the N77. It's of a man watching football, while holding it like he's some sort of spasmo or it's the most delicate telephone in the world. This photo is so boring it might as well not exist. This photo goes straight through our eyes.



This is the E90. It's a rubbish bit of lifestyle photography, as you can only see her hands. If you click on the picture you can get a really good look at her hands, which is something at least.



The best of today's lifestyle photography is this one of the N77. It's of a man taking a photo of his girlfriend's attempts at doing a drawing. That yellow smear is meant to be the Sun. Stupid cow.

Nokia N77 TV playing mobile

It has a digital tuner. This is precisely the sort of feature one of your friends shows you in a pub, once, then never touches again. It clearly won't catch on, as the chances of getting a decent TV signal on a mobile are incredibly remote.

Plus the film and TV industry will no doubt fiercely campaign against any device that allows the watching of film and television for free.



That said, no doubt Apple is worried about this potential iPhone killer!

ATTENTION ALL TECH BLOGS: IMPORTANT ADVICE WITHIN

The phrase "iPhone killer" currently appears on around 693,000 web pages. That's enough web pages already and the iPhone's not even out yet.

So stop the ridiculously predictable headlines that accompany any phone that comes with a big screen. The internet will be a bit better off for it.



Don't make us focus our Big Guns on y'all.

Gadgets with FACES #3: Yuki-taro Japanese snowplough

"YUM YUM. SNOW. YUM YUM. SNOW. YUM YUM. HUMAN. YUM YUM. SNOW."



Here's hoping the Gulf Stream switches off leading to the UK getting plunged into constant and devastating sub-zero winters. Then we might get happy Mr Snowplough.

BenQ-Siemens EF61 - With "mirror" for "women"

This month's Most Sexist Major Corporation award goes to Marks and Spencer and BenQ, for making/selling the BenQ-Siemens EF61 and pointing out that "the internal display turns into a handy compact mirror at the touch of a button".



ALSO HAS CLOCK FEATURE FOR MEN:

BenQ-Siemens EF61 - Marks and Spencer

The Sony Ericsson W880

Sorry to start looking like the UK's official Sony Ericsson news resource, but we've found what looks like another new phone it's done.

The W880 might be new, then again it might not. There's too many of these Walkman phones and they all look the same. Please consider that our official review. You can link to it if you have a boring "tech blog" of your own, and if you're from Sony Ericsson please feel free to use the quote really big on your posters.



6/10.

Sony Ericsson's lifestyle photography of a woman!

Whenever a new phone is revealed we think one thing - is there any LIFESTYLE photography accompanying the announcement?



Thankfully, yesterday's answer was yes. "Yes, there is some lifestyle photography accompanying it".



She's doing a good job of acting like the cheapo J110 is the sort of phone she'd actually use, whereas she's clearly more of a K700i kind of girl. Look at the size of that thing!



When we grow up and buy a proper camera that has more than one lens and setting we will become a photographer. Then we will offer to do lifestyle photography for free.

Sony Ericsson K220 - "with the advantage of an integrated FM radio"

And there's also the K200 which is a K220 but without a radio. You know these phones are a bit basic when they are differentiated by if they have a radio or not. That's like releasing two models of camera, one that comes with a lens cap and one that doesn't.



Well, it's a bit like that but not much like that. You kind of run out of good metaphors and the will to live when rewriting four mobile phone press releases in a row.

Sony Ericsson K200 - Available in Metallic Black (black) or Light Champagne (silver)
The K200 is all about having a camera on your phone just when you need it.
The VGA camera and photo album are immediately accessible with just one click on the dedicated button. Given that the K200 has a slideshow view and will store up to 40 images, it’s easy for users to view their pictures in full screen and share them with friends.
Navigating the phone couldn’t be easier either, as the menu can be set to a series of simple, single icons. To keep things hassle-free, the central navigation key is set-up to give one-click access to key features such as the phone book (which stores up to 300 contacts) and messaging menu. Available from Q2 2007 in selected markets in either Metallic Black or Light Champagne, the K200 allows you to always have your favourite pictures in your pocket.

Sony Ericsson K220 - Available in Frost White (white) and Ocean Blue (blue)
As with the K200, the K220 is an easy-to-use camera phone with a single icon display, but with the advantage of an integrated FM radio with RDS. Perfect for those quieter moments, the K220 can store up to 10 pre-set stations so there is no need to hunt around when it’s time to change channels. It will even provide a wake-up call since a favourite station can be set on the Radio Alarm Clock.
Choose your station and choose your colour; the K220 comes in two striking finishes - Frost White or Ocean Blue. The K220 will be available in selected from Q2 2007.

NEXT UPDATE: Sony Ericsson lifestyle photography of a woman!

Sony Ericsson J120 - "features a loudspeaker through which the radio can be played"

It's the J110 but with a radio. This is great as (TIRESOME RUNNING JOKE WARNING) radio is really taking off as the newest music distribution format. In five years from now radios will be everywhere - in homes, cars, on trains and even buses. You mark our words.



Doing it in black doesn't make it any more aspirational. We'd need at least five MILLION free minutes a day to make this even worth considering.

Sony Ericsson J120 - Available in Night Black (black)
J120 has the same easy to use features as J110, such as a single-icon menu and one-click access, with the added benefit of a built-in FM Radio that allows you to store up to 10 favourite channels plus a stereo headset that’s supplied with the phone. When it’s time to share the radio play-list with a wider audience, the J120 features a loudspeaker through which the radio can be played. This can also be used as a speakerphone when you tire of the radio and decide to call a friend.
This compact and striking phone, finished in Night Black with 'FM Radio' detail, really stands out from the crowd. The J120 will be available in selected markets from Q2 2007.

Sony Ericsson J110 - "text message menu, ring volume and alarm clock"

This redefines "entry level". It even goes beyond "emerging markets". It is, quite simply, the most basic telephone to be mass produced since the Nokia N0000000 debuted in 1983.



Imagine, for a moment, the shame. We can only hope Sony Ericsson is marketing the J110 solely at children between 18 and 36 months old.

Sony Ericsson J110 - Available in Soft Cream (cream), Smooth Grey (grey) and Precious Purple (purple)
Keeping in touch is made straightforward with the J110, a classic 'candy bar' phone with large, legible keys and easy navigation. A central navigation key with clear icons gives one-click access to commonly used features such as the text message menu, ring volume and alarm clock. Navigation through the menu options is easy thanks to the single-icon display, and J110 has enough stamina and storage to keep you in touch however busy you are, giving up to nine hours' talk time and room for up to 200 phone numbers.
A robust, solid phone with chrome detail and a bright 65k colour STN screen, The J110 will be available in selected markets from Q2 2007 in three distinct colours: Soft Cream, Smooth Grey or Precious Purple.

Benq-Siemens throws some money in the bin

By getting German concept company Product Visionaires to make some utterly ridiculous concept mobile phones.



We've been sick (as in ill) recently. This is the sort of phone we used to call ambulances in our delirious, sick, nightmarish, daytime dreams. When the ambulance arrived it was a fire engine, because we were on fire. Then we woke up really wet and sweaty and hot. Stupid sick dreams.



This is just a really stupid idea for a phone.



Product Visionaires would also appear to encourage the use of technology to stalk women in the animated intro on its home page. Maybe it's not all been a complete waste after all.

Charlie Brooker also hates Macs

Charlie can say it in more words than us as it's his "main job" so he's got more than five minutes.

CHARLIE:
I hate Macs

UNBELIEVABLE DEVELOPMENTS!

It's.... she seems to be... THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING:



Is this... THE LEVITATE HOLD?

We'll have more on this potentially world-changing development as and when it comes in.

Not our next new camera - the Casio Exilim EX-Z1050

BECAUSE: It ONLY has a 3x zoom, it is made by CASIO, it has 10.1 megapixels which is too many megapixels for such a small sensor (we copied this bit of knowledge from someone in the Comments bit somewhere - thanks) and everyone seems to have an Exilim these days.



Does look quite nice though. Why are so many cameras revealed at this time of year? Has the new ship just come in from China?

Some sort of new VAIO

It doesn't matter what sort of new VAIO, as it's about to be found lying suspiciously broken on the floor of meeting room 14:



These tech companies are setting a terrible example to young women the world over. She's holding a £1400 laptop with TWO FINGERS. If this sort of behavior was replicated across the UK approximately £14.5bn of damage would be done.



This is what they should be doing. Pointing from a distance. With a clean pen, not a greasy, chocolate-covered finger.

It took ages to find the originals of these

So enjoy them. And by 'enjoy' we mean look at. No weird stuff involving your penis, Vaseline, a cardboard tube stuffed with wet tissue, a microwave oven and a cushion with a photo of Scarlett Johansson's bottom on.







WOMEN: IT'S NOT OK TO DO THIS
For legal purposes we should state she's using a waterproof Futitsu F703i phone, which is why she hasn't broken it. She will break it in two weeks by dropping it in the sink while trying to get it out of her handbag.



Fujitsu-Siemens also made lots of graphs and visual aids describing how and why they made the waterproof phone. It's the complete opposite of the type of phone canoeists should use.



This slide illustrates the most common places women drop their phones.




This is how widespread the problem is. Fujitsu could be onto a winner.

Battery hacking, with Mark Erickson

Mark says you can recharge batteries by touching them together! He even advises using a lemon to help, and tells us lots more secrets about batteries. It's very informative. He's quite the authority figure.



Mark Erickson is our new dad. No, new god. Our new god. Sorry dad.

MARK ERICKSON:
Infinite Solutions with Mark Erickson

Possible next new camera - Panasonic DMC LZ7

Looks a bit 'edgy' and different in its design, has a 6x optical zoom for, you know, does 7.2 megapixels and the Lumix lens is pretty highly respected from what we've read about it on internet forums. And it takes AA batteries, so it will be exciting to open the box and see what types it comes with.



It also has optical image stabilisation, for when you're also wanking.