HAPPY FESTIVE BREAK

See you in how ever many days until we can be bothered/forced to start doing all this nonsense again. Thanks for all your comments and photos of batteries. It has, actually, almost been like having a small amount of fun every once in a while.

May your batteries last well into 2008.



"Santa's Christmas wish list this year is certain to include the BIG JOHN toilet seat - the big and tall toilet seat. A bigger more stable toilet seat specially designed for our larger consumers. The seat sells at a special introductory rate of only eighty-eight dollars and can be ordered at www.bigjohntoiletseat.com."

FRUIT WEEK: LG embracing oranges

Following from its use of a banana LG has now moved on to oranges. You wouldn't have thought it, but the round fruit is ideal for supporting gadgets. Must be the textured, lumpy surface. Very grippy.



It's not quite so appealing when they have clothes on and are not licking the juices off it and each other.



Could do with being sexed up a bit for the European release. Sorry about this. It initially appeared these photographs would lead to a funnier update, but it hasn't really worked. Oranges are not as amusing as bananas or pornography, it turns out.

*Jingle* Promotional image of next weeeek

We probably won't bother doing any updates next week, just so you know. So here's next week's promotional image of the week, this week, as an extra treat.

This one has been sitting in a folder on our computer since December of 2003, waiting for an appropriate use. Nothing appropriate has come along, so here it is 'as is':



We may have used it before, thinking about it. But here it is again.

Banana consortium "sexes up" image with new marketing campaign

Think bananas are boring? Think again!



The new ad campaign on behalf of the banana industry will kick off in early 2008. They are sure to be the must-have fruit of next year!

Dell has made a 30" monitor

God knows why. It'll be exercising your eyes a bit much. What happens when you need to look from the clock in the bottom right to an icon in the top left?



Agony and glasses that don't go with the shape of your face, that's what. The screen's got two DVI sockets, one HDMI and a literally unbelievable resolution of 2560x1600.

George Foreman iPod & MP3 ready Indoor/Outdoor Barbeque Grill

Good god, is there ANYTHING left out there that hasn't got a hole for idiots to plug their stupid iPods into and some low-quality speakers?



Now you can listen to ironic 80s "mash ups" created by your DJ friends while barbecuing some veggie burgers and fish caught from local sustainable resources. The shame of it all.

Creative still dreaming impossible dreams

As well as those stupid flying cars from yesterday, another thing tech companies are always thinking we want is video phones. Here's the "InPerson" video phone from Creative.



That'll be a 'no thank you' Creative. And if you have to ask why, you should go back to making poorly-constructed MP3 players.

HOLDING APOCALYPSE! HI-RES GIRLS ALOUD PHONES4U SET UNCOVERED! LIFE COMPLETE! PAGE GOING TO TAKE AGES TO LOAD!

Well it took two and a half months after our original request but the 'goods' have finally been delivered. Whatever deal the girls are promoting or phone they are holding has long been forgotten.

Not that it ever mattered.
































































They're all looking a bit skinny and peculiar these days, especially the blonde one who looks like that Vulcan woman off the rubbish newest Star Trek. Still, you'd be legally required to were the opportunity to present itself.

Now Italy makes an attempt at humour

Not wanting to be outdone by the French, Italy has made its first joke since that one about a man who has an uncontrollable farting condition. It won the Best Foreign Film Oscar in 1951, but Italian humour sadly failed to take off.



This was made on a Nokia N95, as part of a pretentious film competition Nokia is currently running.

A new flying car that will NEVER HAPPEN

About once a month some idiot reveals his concept for a flying car.

Flying cars will never happen, because most people are too stupid to drive in straight lines along the ground properly. Adding an extra dimension multiplies the death potential by a factor of 10,000. Insurance companies would ground the thing permanently.



Idiots.

An expertly photographed Vinnic 23A battery

Professional quality shot, rare battery. Superb sighting and submission.



"Please find attached a high resolution photograph I took of a Vinnic battery. I used a Panasonic FZ50 camera and a Raynox 250 macro lens. That makes it doubly good. The lighting came from a diffused flashgun firing into a white umbrella. This was remotely synched to my camera. I shot in RAW and used Adobe Lightroom to process the image. The effort that went into taking this photograph was considerable and the end product does not reflect the hassle involved. The battery itself is an unusual size: 23A. This is smaller than AA, and therefore not as good - Lee."

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Goldie Hawn

We are not feeling this. We would only feel this were at least $25,000 and five grammes of uncut cocaine to change hands, plus it would have to be in a very dark room and through a small hole in a sheet.



Maybe if this was the 1960s, and that was an original Mathmos lava lamp, and that was Jane Fonda, but not now.

Toshiba Qosmio G40 HD DVD laptop

We need to do a few serious updates about computers and stuff to scroll all the porn away. So have this - the Toshiba Qosmio G40 - a laptop that packs an HD DVD-RW drive for the ultimate in portable format obsolescence.

In fact, it'll be obsolete by the time the man in Dixons hands you the receipt for it and apologises for not having a carrier bag big enough for the box to fit in.



It has a few too many flimsy-looking flaps and no doubt weighs as much as a 32" CRT TV, but it helps scroll Gemma Atkinson's tits down the page and out of sight (but never out of mind) so is fine by us.

Rugged ExplorerMAX Toughphone 2000KX for builders and lumberjacks

Or something little and pink for delicate Japanese children to send each other photos of teddy bears on:



The pink gives it away. It's a Rugged ExplorerMAX Toughphone 2000KX for builders and lumberjacks, as the pink makes it easy to see in factories and woods.

(It is actually a Sharp AQUOS phone, for Japanese Children)

Actually, it would appear that THIS is the greatest promotional photograph of all time

When you see the words "Gemma" and "Atkinson" and "bra launch" pop up in the news feed you simply have to down tools and admire the end results.



It's the best possible combination - simultaneously arousing and also a bit unsettling. It's like getting turned on by the end of Audition. Look to the left, boy! Memorise all you can for when you hit 13.

Here it is again, only this time you can click on it to "make it go bigger."



Now all we need to find is a version you can click on to make them come out of the screen.

Pie company produces the absolute best promotional images of all time

All the other promotional photos we have uploaded were rubbish. This series, for "Pukka Pies" is utterly sensational. We're quite tempted to never update the site again so they stay here at the top, gloriously beaming out joy to the world for years to come.



It's for pies! Companies that make meat pies take promotional photographs too!



The old school management at Pukka Pies would've been wary of this new angle, but the young blood at the company forced through this modern new wave of advertising!



This, gentlemen and possibly one lady, is the best promotional photo of all time. This will never be beaten. It CANNOT be beaten. 100% meaty genius from Pukka Pies.

DAILY-MAX: Batteries that keep on giving!

Long-time commenter and famed animal torture photo contributor Phorenzik is starring in a "network double-header" today, thanks to his submission of these Daily-max battery photos and the Sonic Air Freshener as featured over on UKR.

His new-found boredom is our gain.



"The batteries were running low in the bathroom scales, so I decided to change them. Imagine my excitement when I discovered a rare new species of battery - the Daily-max."



"They look a bit like cans of super-strength beer. The use-by date is December 2006 as well, but they lasted a whole year longer than that!"



"I'm convinced that they are the most powerful batteries in the known universe."



"Although, saying that, they weren't powerful enough to add an extra 'L' in the word 'Hello' (picture included). It's been a while since the last battery update and I really think the Daily-max deserves a mention."

The Russians caught a UFO

There are photos and a video of it on the internet. This means it's true and real. Those of you without blogs will be unaware of the lengthy and complicated process of accuracy verification each photo you upload has to go through before is can be published.

This update was supposed to go up last Monday, for example.



The video of it doesn't seem to be playing right now, probably because they GOT TO THEM.

Shocking developments in Korea

We are not ready for male nudity. It has gone too far.



The women are so shocked they've turned white.



This could destroy the holding scene and see us plunged back into the recession of the 1980s, where products were only pictured on plain white backgrounds.

Dell selling broken laptops

This is the Latitude XT. Its screen is practically hanging off, yet Dell is still putting it up for sale.



Clearly we are being facetious. It is Dell's go at doing a tablet PC, even though history records no tablet PC ever being more than a complete financial disaster. The screen is 12.1" from corner to corner and you can touch it to make things happen.

It might be worth getting one to sell to a museum in 20 years time.

The people of France have made a joke

France has been investing heavily in humour development since the 1970s and the government has today revealed the first fruits of the scheme - a joke about a USB Wine Dispenser.



France will be having another go at doing a joke in 2012.

There will soon be a PlayStation emulator for the iPhone

This is one of the things mentioned in the bible that will herald the END TIMES for all of civilisation:



"When the evil children from the East form an alliance with the vain men from the West, fire shall fall from the sky and all babies will be born without thumbs or fingers" - Kernerthians, 12:3.

Office workers massacred in terrifying hot coffee accident

This photograph captures the scene seconds before the horrific incident:



Aiko Shimaburo and Hiyami Kuroishi (far table) died from their injuries when the table flipped over and decapitated them both. Sayaka Shimatani and Hitomi Kazoku both survived, suffering only severe facial burns and are currently in the Tokyo MediCentre undergoing treatment.

Nokia N3110 Evolve - envirophone for the low of aspiration

The global warming CONSPIRACY is taking shape. Soon we will all have to use rubbish phones because they are apparently better for the environment. The future is going to be a miserable place.



Give us rising sea levels, skin cancer, and an N95.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

This is for Rioja wine. It seems to be saying that if you give a woman enough wine she will eventually collapse on you. Meaning you get to touch a woman. She may be about to vomit in your lap, but for a few short seconds it will be like having a girlfriend.

This is certainly a more realistic depiction of Christmas boozing than the boring old drink drive campaigns.



"Rioja wine... if she can't remember it, it didn't happen."

Channel 4 launching HD Hollyoaks in 2008

Expect all the characters over the age of 24 to suddenly die in car accidents in the New Year as a new wave of fresh, wrinkle-free meat is brought in for the HD switchover.

Here's a clickable example of the sort of thing we'll soon be dealing with:



The "Bring Back Debbie Dean in HD" campaign starts now.

Sharp PUSHES BACK BOUNDARIES of LCD TV technology

Incredibly, technology has moved on so far recently that it is now possible to make an LCD TV in red.



If you'd said this was possible 18 months ago we'd have laughed!

WHAT IT IS:
A Sharp LC-32GP3U 1080p LCD TV, with the 'angle' that it's good for gamers because it has a swivel stand and a 'Game Mode' display setting - even though only about four console games in the world actually run at 1080p, making it entirely unnecessary.

Sanyo LP-WF20 widescreen commercial projector

No, we have not decided to ironically get interested in widescreen commercial projectors. We are interested in the way this model's tight, rigid body lines are the perfect visual accompaniment to this rather boxy machine:



She is so happy because she carried this up to the photo studio herself. In Korea, women are not allowed to ask for help carrying things, no matter how many hours it takes to get from the post room (basement) to the photo studio (7th floor).

Sony has nearly finished Blu-ray

It's finally got around to adding picture-in-picture support to its Blu-ray spec, although there is only one movie that supports picture-in-picture playback at the moment. It is a German film called Neues vom Wixxer.



We have GOT to get one of these amazing Blu-ray players for Christmas.

Things we are ashamed to be excited about: Solid state hard drives

128GB with no moving parts. Awesome. And look at all the 'silicon chips' Toshiba has rammed onto that little card. You can tell it's new and exciting because they haven't streamlined it and made everything small and tidy yet.



We don't understand any of the technical specifications of it apart from the 128GB bit, but it's new. So it has to be good. It will be particularly good when compared to the five-year-old hard drive that precariously contains all the Idiot Toys data in a variety of fragmented files.

Dreamy promotional image of the week

She is like a little bird. We would feed her breadcrumbs through the winter. Eventually, she would trust us enough to eat the breadcrumbs right out of our hands!



Then we would grab her and take her inside. The rest of this story is only available to paid subscribers.

Natalia Bonarenko sacked for lack of effort

She would appear to be like "whatever" in this photograph:



Don't roll your eyes at the judges and shrug your shoulders, young lady. Or it's back to the corporate photocopier scene for you.

Aggressively stalking women by mobile phone is now 100% LEGAL!

You hear this, Julie Cowling? What we did by handwritten letter in 1986 has now been made acceptable, thanks to mobile dating site ICE BRKR which is positively encouraging drunken sexual harassment.

(We are ignoring the fact that this is quite clearly a premium-rate TXT MSG scam opportunity designed to get the founders of ICE BRKR on the property ladder)



You get drunk. You text her something that seems funny, but, on reflection the next day, isn't particularly gentlemanly. She then tells all of her friends you are SCUM and you never get to have sex for free again. Then your mobile phone bill is £145 next month.

Polaroid is still going!

Although it is labouring away under the impression that what the world really needs now is a new kind of portable DVD player, so is unlikely to stay going for much longer.



At least they have made a cursory nod toward modern trends by letting people plug their fifth-generation iPods into it. It is still destined to sell no more than 250 units into retail.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW MULTIMEDIA CONVERGENCE DEVICE: OQO Model02

Even though it would appear to be aimed at the hairy-handed business market. Our small, ladylike, delicate fingers would be much more suited to that little keyboard than the model's bunch of sausages:



Thumb keyboards are universally rubbish, though. And the company image gallery shows a shocking lack of corporate imagination and ZERO power-dressed Asian ladies. So probably not.

Bogner has made a ski suit with solar-powered LEDs

The LEDs will make it easier to target wearers from a distance through the scope.



And you know there's an iPod-shaped pocket in there somewhere as well.

The PC is built INSIDE this TV!!!!!

They're obviously getting a bit annoyed with "tech journalists" who just steal the photos then make up some specifications.



This TV is a full HD spec TV, with a PC built inside it. It also has a wide array of other features, as illustrated by that list of logos on the top left.

The 90 degree right-angle lens adaptor

Would like this for Christmas, but will probably have to buy it for ourselves as mum and dad might find it a slightly unsavoury request. Although we could say it's for taking photos of shy wildlife.



You can buy it here and it's only $50. It will be appearing on beaches in the hands of very frightening men this summer.

The 'Granagotchi' elderly relative game

Turn caring for an elderly relative into a fun game with the Smallfry Granagotchi!



Mustn't laugh. It'll be us using this to notify the uncaring and aggressive careworker that we've had a fall and need lots of urine wiping up in about 20 years time.

Tele-health offers peace of mind for carers of independent elderly as Granny-monitor is unveiled

Twenty-four hour peace of mind is on the horizon for carers with elderly relatives as the first visuals of a high-tech granny-monitor are unveiled.

Visionaries at the pioneering product development consultancy Smallfry, have created the first pictures of the Granagotchi, reminiscent of the 90s Tamagotchi craze. The unique concept enables busy carers to check on the welfare of their parents remotely throughout the day and night using discreet technology in their home.

Using the Granagotchi, carers will be able to see instantly if the person they care for has eaten, if they have been moving around the house or whether they are taking their prescribed medicine - an amber icon indicates concern and red means intervention is required. The device is modular and can be set up to address specific patient needs, from checking blood pressure for a heart condition to monitoring the blood glucose level of diabetics.

The aim is to allow elderly people to live independently in their own homes confident that their family can check they are safe 24-7, in addition to regular visits and phonecalls. The Granagotchi will instantly alert the carer if it identifies anything unusual that could cause concern.

The Granagotchi is the brainchild of innovation consultants Smallfry, who attract some of the biggest names in healthcare. Smallfry's life-enhancing successes include blood pressure monitors for Lloydspharmacy and Karvol vaporisers. The consultancy is currently talking to manufacturers and healthcare specialists to bring the Granagotchi concept to life.

Director of Smallfry Steve May-Russell said: "The Granagotchi is our vision of healthcare in the future. One third of the population have chronic conditions and this will increase with an ageing population. With 80% of GP consultations and 70% of Primary Care budgets already devoted to chronic illnesses, families and the community will have to get more involved in caring for loved ones.

"Although some work has been done on high tech patient monitoring systems no-one in our view has yet paid sufficient attention to what 'the customer' wants and brought all the technology together in a user-friendly device. We're hoping our Granagotchi concept will encourage companies in this market to work with us to develop the 'soft' monitoring system that people really want."

Smallfry is an award winning design consultancy with an international reputation for creative innovation.

New world record display!

Measuring a sensational 49 feet long and 10 feet high, the Kia GRABBIRD bus is now the largest ever object to be displayed.



Two ladies were required, to ensure both sides of the bus were correctly emphasised in the photograph.



This may be a very short-lived record - rumour has it the Chinese government is planning to display a Boeing Dreamliner in early 2008, as part of a plan to raise the international profile of its product display industry.

Asus Nova P22 mini PC and some golden ladies

It's a mini desktop with a Core 2 Duo, some RAM and probably a few sockets round the back for putting a mouse and keyboard into. There's almost certainly a USB socket on it somewhere, probably also round the back. And a power socket. And a monitor socket. The back of it must be much bigger then the front.



But obviously we're more interested in that woman in the middle pretending to do a levitate hold. It's clearly just resting on her hands, not magically floating in the air. She is not fooling anyone.

Gadgets with FACES #8: Thodio iBox

It's another iPod dock that looks like a gay robot. This one cleverly has a couple of handles on top so you can fuck it in the mouth easier.



It's nice that they've given this one a nose - often overlooked - and pupils in its eyes. Shame the ears are on top of its head, though. 8/10.

Look at all the things you can carry when you free your arms up by using a Bluetooth headset

Don't struggle to carry your coat, a handbag, a tray, a shopping bag, a scarf and another shopping bag in your other hand while using your phone - get a Bluetooth headset!



Look at all the things you can carry with ease when you have a Bluetooth headset! This is fantastic literal-interpretationalism from Sony Ericsson.



Here's a close-up of her ear. The original photo came at a staggering 6514 x 8676 resolution.

WORRYINGLY TEMPTING POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: LG Chocolate 'Blue Ice'

Occasionally, perhaps once every three or four years, we will ignore specifications and technical comparison charts, then buy something on a whim because it comes in a pretty colour and looks a bit nice.



Although isn't 'blue ice' the name given to the concentrated lumps of urine that get thrown out of aeroplanes?

TO ANSWER OUR OWN QUESTION:
Yes.

SanDisk PRICE CRASH

Amazing. Now down to £9.89. That's a 10p reduction in just over a week. Every day we wait we are making money out of The System and winning. Indecision PAYS.



But in another 18 months you'll be able to get an 8GB for this much. It's all so very stressful.