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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Gadgets with FACES #10: The Tangent Cinque

Its gay robot looks are emphasised brilliantly by the wood effect finish, which makes this the first gadget-with-face to have something approximating hair:

Don't remember enough about Frank Sidebottom to conjure up a reference

Hair and a beard. Also looks like Frank Sidebottom.
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POSSIBLE NEXT NEW CAMERA: Panasonic Lumix TZ5K

Has a 10x zoom and wide-angle lens, so would be ideal for taking to Gemma Atkinson-endorsed product launches.

ERROR: THREE HEAD-SIZED OBJECTS IN FRAME

Also has face detection - could this be firmware hacked to focus on chests instead?
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Photos of Gemma Atkinson we are allowed to use

Gemma attended a 3 Mobile press event on Monday. The press event was to promote the mobile phone version of Need for Speed ProStreet, so that's TWO REASONS we're allowed to use these photos.

This is SERIOUS TECH NEWS, not just photos of Gemma Atkinson's front.

Gemma reviewing the Sony Ericsson W910i

There's no way we can be accused of anything untoward. They're official shots. To do with a happening and two products. They're probably even up on the BBC's site.

Gemma reviewing the Sony Ericsson W910i in a slightly different position

OFFICIAL PRESS QUOTE: "Competitors were invited to play the game on the new Sony W910i with the fastest getting an all expenses paid trip to Tokyo."

We would prefer to see her in an altogether different position

So there you go. Some photos of Gemma Atkinson wearing slightly more than usual. The 25,000-word essay in which we deconstruct the bourgeoisie obsession with form over functionality will have to wait until tomorrow.
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Approximately 40-year-old EVEREADYs

Sorry. We seem to have inadvertently kicked off the battery mushroom cloud. Do two updates about batteries, then all the battery crackpots of the world get wind of it and start sending in their snaps.

And before you know it you're in the middle of BATTERY WEEK III and nobody reads the site any more.

EVEREADY: Always ready

"I'm guessing that they're probably about 40 years old. They were in the flash gun of an old a camera that a co-worker gave me, knowing that I'm always willing to take on another orphan."

EVEREADY: Constantly prepared

"Of course I'd usually hope that the batteries were removed since they tend to leak and make a mess of things, but these were in nearly new condition."

EVEREADY: Usually available

"They even showed about .6 volt when I checked them. If they had leaked I suppose I could have tried to take them up on their warranty printed on the side of the batteries."

EVEREADY: Generally willing

"Hope you find them of some interest. The more I look at them, I'm coming to the conclusion that they're definitely cooler than the camera is - Clay Blackburn."

EVEREADY: Probably working

From the ever-reliable Union Carbide, which only killed around 20,000 people in the chemical accident at its Bhopal pesticide factory in 1984.

EVEREADY: Constantly fortified

Sorry, it's gone all serious. The end.
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HOLDING FOR BEGINNERS #1: The Point

Extend thumb. Straighten forefinger. Smile as if just received test results back and they were negative. Tilt head as if interested in the viewer.

OPTIONAL: Ignore photographer's visible erection

Intermediate-to-advanced holders will note the use of the little finger on the right hand as a "safety net" to protect these valuable mock-up items from being dropped. We'll be covering that in more detail over the coming weeks.
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Gadgets with FACES #9: Another iPod dock

It's another gay robot. Or a robot owl. Or a gay robot owl. Not that we have anything against gay robot owls, before all you gay robot owls start slagging us off in the comments bit.

Twit-twoo-er!

This is also entry #1 in our forthcoming series entitled "Shit Things Made In Pink For Valentine's Day."
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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

MASSIVE Japanese battery spotted in wild!

Found in Japan. Looks about the size of a bucket. Would like to lick it to see what happens - although that's probably INSTANT DEATH. The only bit left of you would be a tiny bit of blackened tongue burned onto the terminal.

God knows what letter/number designation this size of battery is. It must be at least a 42DD.

NATIONAL: Like em big?

"I am staying in Japan right now and went to a flea market last week. I found the largest battery I have ever seen, and it's even one of the rubbish "National" brand, which did not even power up my camera."

AA AAA AAAA AAAA+

"I even found a battery vending machine, which also sells this stuff. Isn't this amazing? Now if you need some batteries but are afraid to talk to the girl in the shop because she really looks a bit like the girl you had a crush on when you were 12, there is a solution!"

Very interesting, thanks, Mr German

"I have no idea if this is funny or interesting as I am German and don't know about those things. The pictures are a bit rubbish, sorry. I'll throw in a shy man's photograph of some girls in kimono taken while getting ready to shoot for good measure, though - Roger Braun."
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The "________" battery

A man found it while on the toilet. It has no name, just the basic legally-required advice to protect the manufacturer from being held liable if someone attempts to recharge it and gets killed.

_______: Average performance

"Found these in an AirWick automatic room freshening device whilst bored on the toilet last night. No indication of make or anything and devoid of any colour. Clearly very cheap? - Graham Lambert."
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"Superstar" DJ Paul Van Dyk is happy to endorse Apple products

Lifestyle photography [tick]. Apple [tick]. Marketing people thinking DJs are the only cool people in the world [tick]. Pretentious words from an over-paid copywriter [tick].

It's the very latest in Apple celebrity endorsement schemes, clearly designed with the sole purpose of us getting angry and doing an update about it.

Dykhead

That's the last time we take our shirts off while pumping the air at one of his record concerts, or rave parties, or whatever it is the kids call their dancing get togethers these days.

Totally out of the box

Yeah, whatever. Just cash the cheque and load up your complimentary iPhone with your own music, you smug cock.
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Monday, January 28, 2008

New Samsung phone - with "Benefits"

Sadly, these two are not providing the "Benefits" - Benefit is just the brand of make-up the phone comes with. Yes, it comes with some make-up.

LEFT TO RIGHT: 7/10 and 8/10

Which leads us to conclude this phone is aimed at the cross-dressing businessman market, as surely making a phone just for girls is commercial suicide?
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Possible Christmas/birthday 2008 present: Multi-use mouse

It's the 'Existing Thing With Added Feature' that parents simply can't resist:

No doubt available at PC World

Talk to the hand.
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Vinnic L1028 photography WAR

A while ago we had this. Now we have received this. It would appear our readers are having some sort of battle to see who is the best at doing battery photos, and the beautiful Vinnic 23A is caught in the middle of this tug-of-love battle.

Fortunately, us lovers of battery photographs are the winners in this war!

VINNIC: The choice of people with expensive cameras

"Found in a set of wireless camera flash triggers. Shot with a Canon 40D if you're interested - David Robinson."

Have YOU taken a ridiculously high-resolution photograph of a Vinnic L1028 23A battery? If so, we would like to hear from you.
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Friday, January 25, 2008

The staggering ineptitude of... "EasiShelf"

24 gold solid carrots, this one. A company called Jay Products has invented the EasiShelf.

It's a small plastic shelf you rather unwisely create by taking your plug socket off the wall and sticking the (fashionable iPod white!) EasiShelf on behind it. Thereby creating a really depressing shelf.

GIF WARNING

Not only have they made the shameful error of sending out a promotional image in GIF format, they've created that GIF out of really badly resized low-resolution JPEGs. It is error piled upon error!

A lamp... a radio... a toothbrush... oh! And the teddy bear!

And here they suggest some of the ways in which you can utilise EasiShelf. It is, if nothing else, an enjoyable glimpse inside the managing director's house.

You'd think Jay Products would be ashamed of this, but no! They sent out a press release about it as if they actually want people to know about their crazy plug shelf idea. There now follows the full EasiShelf press release to conclude out TotalCoverage(TM) of EasiShelf. Enjoy the Random Capitalisations.

Transform any plug socket into a really useful shelf

EasiShelf transforms an electric socket into a really useful shelf.

This handy shelf can be fitted in minutes, and does not require an electrician or the drilling of walls or tiles.

With a shelf size of 160mm x 150mm (app 6"square) it has many uses in both the kitchen, bathroom and around the home

There are three different models ES13/1 for a single 13amp socket / lighting switch , ES13/2 for a twin 13amp socket and SP1 for a Shaver Socket (normally found in Bathrooms).

Now more & more electric Toothbrushes and Shavers being sold recharging is made easy with EasiShelf even if you do not have a shaver Socket

EasiShelf is the ideal place to store mobile telephones,Ipods, and Cameras whilst they are charging. It could equally be used as a shelf to stand a reading lamp on, or even a small radio.

In the kitchen it can help to clear the work surface of oddments, like pills and keys.

View the full range of product models and uses at:
http://www.jayproducts.co.uk/

EasiShelf is available to order from amazon.co.uk £8.99 +pp

For further information please contact:

John Abrahams
Email: (REMOVED TO LIMIT POTENTIAL JAY PRODUCTS ANGER)
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*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

It's a grandma getting given a pearl necklace:

Say what you see

"Alice Moulder, a resident of Worcester-based nursing home Henwick Grange, has celebrated her 100th birthday in style by achieving her lifelong wish of owning a string of cultured pearls. She was presented with the gift from Dawn Oliver, Head of the Private Client Department at leading Worcestershire and West Midlands law firm Harrison Clark LLP. Dawn acts as Alice's attorney handling all her private client matters and is delighted to be able to help Alice fulfil her dream of owning a pearl necklace."

Awesome. When we turn 100, hopefully Samsung will turn up with an LE52M87BD LCD TV. Can't wait.
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Sony's Cyber-shot S780 is apparently "new"

Although with that silver body, its three-times optical zoom and 8.1 megapixel capacity, it seems slightly familiar.

Sony Cyber-shot S780

Oh yes, that's right, it's EXACTLY THE SAME as every other camera in the world today.

Sony Cyber-shot W170

The W170, though, is clearly a work of design genius.
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Thursday, January 24, 2008

BATTERY PHOTOGRAPHY MASTERCLASS #3: Panasonic Low Power, Aerocell and Panasonic TOP SECRET

Here's some filler material for a slow news day, provided by battery photographer par excellence Lee. He's under-selling his latest batch of shots by a rather wide margin - they're pro quality!

PANASONIC: Lowering expectations together

"Here are a few more battery photos. They're a bit rubbish so at best they'll be filler material on a slow news day.

"First up - Panasonic Low Power - rubbish battery, but at least it doesn't lie and pretend to be "super extra industrial power". I found it in a pound shop. They came in packs of four and were clearly labelled £1. Imagine my delight when the hag at the till only charged me 79p. Bargain! I've put the 21p "profit" toward the next pack."

AEROCELL: Power out of thin air

"Aerocell: they're nearly light as air, and about as efficient at powering electrical gadgets. I discovered them inside a miniature Christmas tree with unreliable and headache inducing fibre optic lights. I removed the Aerocells and then destroyed the tree."

XXX TOP SECRET BATTERY EXCLUSIVE

"Not for retail trade: Someone in the comments section of the other battery post requested this. That's practically demand, so I feel it my duty to supply. Sorry they're not that great. I don't want to give ammunition to the battery naysayers. I promise to be more creative if I buy a second flashgun - Lee."

Thanks, Lee! They're awesome! Sexy, even. You are the David La Chapelle of the battery photography scene. If you'd told us you'd found these as hi-res CMYK TIFFs in a password-protected part of the manufacturer's press extranet we'd have totally believed you.
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A round up of recent Nokia Prism madness

Nokia has just released images of this horrendous plastic headache onto an unsuspecting and horrified world.

Nokia 7900 Crystal Prism

It's the Nokia 7900 Crystal Prism. Presumably it comes with a matching polyester tracksuit and repeat prescription for chylamidia drugs.





These are from Nokia's arty web site about the Prism range. They had some sort of fashion show. Because its phones are fashionable and for people like this. You can almost see a blurry image of a phone in a couple of the pictures.
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

An email from a woman regarding shopping trolley LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

This is one of the top ten most exciting emails we've got in the last decade. It's from a woman, which is exciting enough. And it's about lifestyle photography. It even included images and makes mention of ANOTHER woman.

We're going to have to tidy up. Or at least go through the archives and delete about a quarter of everything we've uploaded over the last two years if there's going to be some sort of female invasion.

Trolley SMASH ATTACK!

"I am one of your two female readers (I know there is another one because my friend reads you too, and even sent you some info for a crap MP3 player update some months ago. I mean the MP3 player was crap, not your update, obviously)."

It's got wheels, you fuckwit

"Anyway, I was just idly Googling shopping trolleys, as you do when you're a woman, and in the process found some fantastic lifestyle photography at the following website: http://www.rolser-novela.co.uk/30800/info.php?p=2&pno=0."

HD request email already sent under the pretence of working for Engadget

"I've attached the relevant JPGs: I'm afraid the resolution isn't up to much but hopefully you can still get a good post out of them."

Unnecessary leg angle

Haven't replied yet.

My, grandma, what hot legs you still have

Probably won't reply. Don't really know what to say to women when actually faced by a live one. It's probably just a man pretending, anyway.
Ms office 2010 home and business: russell's performance grained beyond the companies of his bug-free village. Gyazmail is an e-mail match from unfit performance gyazsquare.

Panasonic Evolta - world's longest-lasting battery

Sounds impressive, until you see the size of it:

What an 'A' looks like

Clearly that's just a mock-up designed to generate excitement. The Evolta actually comes in standard AA size, and even got in the Guinness Book of Records (or World of Book Guinness Records or whatever you're supposed to call it these days) for being OFFICIALLY the longest-lasting AA battery.

EVOLTA: The people are Evolting

"The battery also has a 10 year shelf life, making it suitable to store in preparation for disasters."
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Woman immerses phone in plastic cup full of water

What's particularly sad about this photo is the missed potential - nothing screams "PUT HER IN A SMALL BIKINI AND WEE ON HER" more than the announcement of a waterproof phone.

Poor fluid dispersal - 2/10

CORRECTION: The cup was probably only about half full of water, then the phone displaced some of the water upon immersion to make it appear nearly three-quarters full.

Now SWALLOW IT ALL

At least she had the good sense to show off a bit of pink later in the day. Stolen from here where they have more. But nothing stronger.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

We got sent a press release!

We have ARRIVED on the SCENE! The press release was about the Sagem MY511X mobile phone. They called it a "handset" in the press release, which is a bit formal, so it's probably aimed at the business market.

'Say you, say me... SAGEM'

The press release included this fantastic photo of the MY511X from the side. It's always nice to reward such misplaced effort by actually using the "from the side" shot. Here's the full text of the press release.
AVAILABLE AT WOOLWORTHS AND ARGOS = AIMED AT THE PRE-TEEN MARKET

Sagem Mobile today officially unveiled the SAGEM my511X, an ultra compact mobile phone that immediately catches your attention thanks to its sleek lines and technologically advanced design.

The ultimate in elegance...

The my511x has a sleek mirror-like black front with a keypad that consists of flat buttons that are back-lit and reveal themselves when the mobile is in action. Cool! The power buttons and shortcut keys are small, attractive silver buttons that accompany a circular directional button for added class.

...for a mobile phone at the forefront of technological design!

Simple to use, the SAGEM my511X is ultra compact (106.9x46, 3x10.9 mm) and ultra light (81g). It is packed with features to accompany you wherever you go: a 1.3-megapixel camera and video with x4 digital zoom to make sure you don't miss a thing, a music player (MP3, AAC) for entertainment, WAP 2.0 for surfing on the net, SMS and MMS for keeping in touch, and Bluetooth for simple, fuss-free connection. It also features direct access keys, so you just have to press to hear your favourite tracks and set the volume at a glance.

The SAGEM my511X boasts 13Mb of internal memory that can be extended via a Micro SD card. To top it all off, with 3 hours of talk time and 212 hours on standby, this mobile phone just keeps on going.

The Sagem my511x is available on the Orange pre-pay network.

Available in the new Argos catalogue or online at www.argos.com for £49.99 or Woolworths, www.woolworths.co.uk for £69.99 with a 512mb memory card.
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Yamaha NXB02 Bluetooth speaker - with LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

Clearly we'd only do something about a wireless Bluetooth speaker if it had lifestyle photography, so that capital letters bit of headline is quite redundant.

NOTE TO YAMAHA: Get a younger one next time

She seems to be looking past it, as if she's secretly enjoying a fix of wireless Bluetooth before the boyfriend gets home. Good to have you on-board, Yamaha. Keep them coming.
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Nokia disappoints - today's new phones are for "emerging markets"

Get ready for features like "also has a clock" and "built-in contacts list" to become headline news, as Nokia's 1209 and 2600 Classic rear their ugly, featureless heads:

Nokia 1209. 1209!

That's a 1209. You can tell just by looking at it that its model number starts with a 1. Screen size: 1. Number of buttons: 1. Features: 1. Nokia has an entire web site dedicated purely to making old phones with rubbish model number designations like this look exciting to people who live in "development areas."

Features one unique start-up sound

There's also a new version of the 2600 classic for these "new markets". Be very thankful you were born somewhere where 3G is already on the way out, else you'd be excited about possibly getting one of these for next Christmas.

Unique energy-saving 'off' mode

The highest model number "emerging markets" are allowed to have is the 2760! That's just racist.
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Monday, January 21, 2008

Samsung debuts the "It's So Light It's Flying Away"

Look! It's so light it's flying away!

PRODUCT INFORMATION TAG: Samsung YP-S5

Ooh, she just got that one in the nick of time, else it'd be stuck up there on the ceiling until her dad came round with a ladder. Good job those other two are in cases, or she'd never keep them all under control.

FACIAL ALIGN ERROR

Quite nice, but there's a bit too much "Thom Yorke" about the alignment of her face.
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Companies we are happy to endorse: Skins Mobile

Skins Mobile makes waterproof casings for MP3 players. It's a rubbish and boring idea, frankly, but their execution of the product's marketing elevates it to must buy status.

Because to illustrate the concept of "being waterproof" Skins got some models, put them in bikinis and threw mud and water at them while taking photos for the betterment and joy of the internet.

Spot the phone! Win an erection!

It is a textbook publicity campaign.

She won't notice one more small amount of fluid

We have never fitted into a "demographic" as well as the one Skins Mobile is targeting. We might as well BE Skins Mobile.

'Fuck sales to vegetarians, Mike, it'll go viral, BIG TIME'

Even this one appeals on a certain level. It's the sort of idea "creatives" have but usually gets turned when management worries what it might do to their image.

I like bottoms

We have fallen into their PR honeytrap but don't mind one bit.
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LG.Philips world first!

They let a woman demonstrate a touch screen! Previously the preserve of men, touch screen demonstrating has always been seen as too challenging for the female brain.

Le-Lin Shen proved everyone wrong!

LG.Philips - feminists to the core

In 2009, Korean authorities have said they may allow women to go into the upstairs rooms of houses and let them go outside on Sundays, thanks to its new plans for liberalisation of society.
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Friday, January 18, 2008

Merry Christmas from Toshiba!

Found these a bit late, but can't be bothered waiting 347 days for them to become relevant again.

Some sort of Toshiba laptop

Clearly the joke here is that we would very much like to have a couple of these beneath the tree. Then on the sofa. Then maybe again on the kitchen work top. Then, if we're feeling very brave and strong, again in the bathroom.

Some sort of Toshiba laptop

The one of the right's doing the sort of fake smile we had to do when the DVD-shaped box actually turned out to be a book. The one on the left is either inflatable and suffering from a slow puncture, or made out of wax and slowly melting.

Some sort of Toshiba laptop

Good god! They've only just unwrapped the things and now they're using them outside AND dangerously close to some water! They'll be broken by February, just you wait and see.
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Hurriedly reassessing the Creative Zen Stone Plus

That one with the speaker in from the other day. Seems like such a better idea when they put like this:

Creative Zen Stone Plus - 10/10

We'll take 30 (minutes with her in a cheap hotel).
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REALLY BIG PRINTER: Fuji Xerox Nuvera

It's not the thing on the table. It IS THE TABLE:

Fuji Xerox Nuvera

She's doing the best she can, but she's always going to be overpowered by an item of this size. It's like asking an ant to carry a dead horse back to the nest.

Fuji Xerox Nuvera

"Please insert paper into tray 18."
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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Behold the power of the NEWSUN!

Here's a battery sighting submitted by us. We just took the photos of the battery and are now writing the update. There isn't a funny story attached to its discovery, as you will shortly discover.

NEWSUN: The power of a supernova

Now, you may think this is a rubbish photo to use. And it is. But it sort of symbolises the Newsun emerging from the darkness. It is the "dawn" of this update. Turns out our failure to manage a camera properly even on "Auto" resulted in a piece of magic happening. This is not a poor photo, it is ART!

NEWSUN: Bathe in the warm light of power

Here's a marginally better shot. Taken just after dawn. Newsun is a CR2016. It was found inside the incredibly small and cheap remote control that came with a certain electrical product we will not be mentioning.

NEWSUN: Perfectly OK to dispose of in a fire

It wasn't anything weird, it'd just take too much explaining.

NEWSUN: Energy for ten billion years*

Tried licking it. Nothing happened.
Any planning to defeat the official administrator is able in that jobs constitute to various violin and family. Smb allows through a photo support, where a user indicates video windows and the effort contains individually.

Neither, please

Prices for the UK MacBook Air are, as you might expect, beyond comedic interpretation. Even Billy Connolly would be stumped for something funny to say about the idea of paying two grand for a mid-range Mac just because it's a bit thin.

The prices are, literally, like giving Steve Jobs a blank cheque and telling him to go treat himself to couple of new houses and a sexy full-body massage from a willing illegal immigrant.

MacBook Air price SHAME

Don't they know we're in the middle of a global credit crisis? Even asymmetrically-hairstyled Mac users will find it difficult to blow £2k on the top-spec Air. PREDICTED SALES: About 50.
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WORLD OF AMAZING IDEAS: Korean "privacy filter" for LCDs

It stops people to the side of you seeing what you're doing. This is so the nice old lady you're sitting next to on the train won't see what horror porn you're watching on your laptop.

So she won't get upset and pull the emergency cord, and your journey will go by a lot quicker while in the company of Raven Riley and her many gentleman suitors.

Korean Idea Factory of Dreams

More details and a fantastic photo of a man with awesome hair who is presumably the company boss are over at non-cynical tech blog of power AVING.
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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

PC World LIVEBLOG

Well, here we are, about to go inside PC World, reporting live on any new developments. What has the PC industry got to show in answer to yesterday's stunning MacWorld revelations? Blogging LIVE from PC World

Let's find out!

Keep refreshing this page for live updates from INSIDE PC World...

3.01pm
A small number of single men are slowly filing in to see what PC World has to reveal...

3.08pm
There are about seven other single men in the store. None seem to be "liveblogging" from the event. Good news!
Blogging LIVE from PC World
3.12pm
None of the staff seem to be that excited about today. They presumably have already been briefed about what to expect. Some are even standing outside smoking. Time to start hunting out new products.

3:16pm
Browsing the laptops section. Nothing looks particularly new. Some of the old Toshibas are HUGE and weigh a ton. They don't mention that on the TV ads.
Blogging LIVE from PC World
3:40pm
Sorry about the outage. Hardly any of these demo machines are hooked into the network.

3:42pm
Now moving onto the software section. Same old Xbox 360 games and PC games. The PS3 section is very small. Why is Gears of War on PC half the price it is on Xbox 360? Perhaps Bill Gates will have the answer later on!
Blogging LIVE from PC World
3:45pm
Nothing seems new in the hard drive area. There's a 400GB external one for £79 which seems OK. But you could probably get it cheaper on the internet. There are lots of printers. The ink cartridge aisle is massive!

3:50pm
Shop assistant Alan has just come out of the storeroom with an envelope! This could be it!
Blogging LIVE from PC World
4:03pm
Just some forms from head office about changes to the payroll system :(

4:09pm
The online section seems to be stocked with the same old collection of Netgear and Belkin routers as last week. No announcements of new products have been made over the PA system yet.
Blogging LIVE from PC World
4:12pm
Nothing here for Steve Jobs to get worried about yet.

4:13pm
Although they are selling a PC which looks like it's made out of wood. This would look great in the kitchen. Or in the sauna.

4:14pm
JUST JOKING. Do not use your PC in a sauna. This could be dangerous.
Blogging LIVE from PC World
4:20pm
There are some PC desks and chairs at the back. They are depressing. Some of the desks have slide out shelves for the keyboard to go on. They are all made of the sort of wood you'd expect prison furniture to be made out of.

4:22pm
Still looking at the PC desks and feeling sad.

4:23pm
An announcement just went out over the PA system, but it was to ask "Chris" to move his car as it was blocking the delivery bay.

4:38pm
Well, that just about wraps things up from PC World! Thanks for reading. Turns out PC World had no announcements to rival those made at MacWorld whatsoever.

Steve Jobs can sleep easy tonight, and Bill Gates is surely on the back foot now.

Blogging LIVE from PC World Blogging LIVE from PC World
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New year, fresh meat - LG reveals new models for 2008

Couldn't care less about the rubbish-looking phones. Here are the new ladies LG will be using to wave its mobiles about for the entertainment of the world during 2008:

LG frozen meats

This is one of those awkward borderline cases. Better keep the comments "certificate 15" just in case they turn out to be... 15.

LG frozen meats

These images will be withdrawn when the girls' parents find out their daughters have been secretly modelling for LG. They said they were going to the library!

LG frozen meats

You wouldn't believe how many times we have "edited down" the content of this post. It is now at about 5% of the ferocity it was to begin with last night.
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Something that enables something and brings about freedom and choice

It brings about freedom by doing more megapixels, or it brings about choice by letting web pages load a bit faster. One of those two, almost certainly.

Choice = quicker porn thumbnails

Or it might be contact lenses for Japan's elderly robot population.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Something about MacWorld: Apple's MacBook Air

Steve Jobs has been talking about new things today. Well, old things done a bit differently, mostly.

But this is the pick of the bunch, his new laptop. The MacBook Air. It's thin. Not just a bit thin, but thin like in Heat magazine's Thinnest Celebrities Danger Diets Revealed! thin. Thin like Posh Spice after having the flu (the actual flu, not just a cold) for a month.

Apple MacBook Air

It has a 13.3" widescreen LCD display, a mini 80GB hard drive out of the iPod range, turns on instantly, does wi-fi, has a webcam and apparently that's a full-size keyboard. It is really quite small indeed and admittedly a bit pretty, plus it might actually run software thanks to having a 1.6GHz Core 2 Duo inside. Full specs here.

We are not excited, though, as it costs $1799 which is an unusually high "cool premium" even for an Apple product.

That's it for our coverage of MacWorld. Tomorrow we shall go down to PC World and see if they have anything new out in retaliation.
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"Sex with robots by 2050"

Sadly there isn't an appropriate image to go with this exciting prediction, so here's a picture of the nearest thing we can find. It seems to be enjoying itself.

Making the best of an awkward situation

"I would do it out of curiosity. Not that I have a need for a new sex partner, I'm happily married," artificial intelligence expert David Levy blatantly lied.
User fear and down can sufficiently access and slow scholars. Microsoft's book was new with streetcar rockets, but gates set that a signal off-road had revealed into the post and was being finally broken and required.

CES 2008 "Booth Babe" gallery round-up

There were some friendly women out there who didn't mind when men took photos of them just because they were quite pretty, and you could see some of their legs.

Gizmodo - amateur stalking

From Gizmodo's - Took the moral highground like a bunch of whining grandmas, but still produced the goods. They then blew the moral highground thing by stalking lots of normal women who were just going about their jobs. Good work!

Think Big!

From ThinkComputers - A wide selection, and they clearly weren't shy about just breezing up to the ones with the biggest tits and firing off a close-up. The work of seasoned and shameless professionals!

Arms covered - 3/10

From CrunchGear - A disappointing eight photos, none taken while kneeling down. This D-Link one is good though - ideal for making jokes about wanting to see these two "linking up" somehow.

Illegitimate

From Legit Reviews - poor, most from too far away, low image quality - but credit has to be given for tracking this one down.

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JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

It's been told SIX TIMES already today and it isn't even lunch time. When will it get the message?

NEVER RESTART

I will restart WHEN I AM READY. And stop trying to trick me by popping up while I'm typing, in the hope I press "enter" when you come up. You horrible little window.
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Monday, January 14, 2008

NATIONAL DISASTER ALERT

Creative has started putting speakers into its bottom-of-the-range cheap little Zen Stone player. If this sort of thing becomes commonplace among portable devices, leaving the house will become 2.5% scarier and more intimidating.

Zen Stone plus speakers :(

No doubt the volume automatically goes up two notches when any songs by "Rihanna" come on, making you fantasise about becoming a superhero and grabbing it off that idiot and STOMPING it and him into the ground as the other bus passengers (all sexy girls) look on and clap.
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A woman tries to make a 16GB Memory Stick look glamorous

Another Sony update. Anyone would think we've just stumbled across Sony's CES 2008 promotional image archive and are currently plundering it for all it's worth before someone finds out and changes all the passwords.

Sony's aspirational and sexy 16GB Memory Stick

The picture quality on the original is awful. Either she's the MD's daughter and has had to be severely Photoshopped to remove several layers of teenage acne scars, or it was taken using a Sony HandyCam.
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Sony HandyCam HD - plus LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

This is the story of a pretty young couple, enjoying the moment and filming themselves at it in the park. They're probably on their first date! It was therefore very brave of one of them to bring up the idea of filming it.

Clearly they have just 'finished' as he's already asleep.

Sony HandyCam HD

And when they split up, he'll easily be able to stick it on PornoTube thanks to the Sony HandyCam AVCHD HDD recording movies direct to its internal hard disc. And her bottom will look superb as it bounces up and down - HandyCam can shoot in full 1080p resolution.

Sony HandyCam HD

Here's just one of her.

Sony HandyCam HD

Here's just one of him. Must pop into M&S and buy a blazer at lunch time.
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Friday, January 11, 2008

Lee's Christmas batteries

A superb - and superbly shot - line up of Christmas battery finds from Lee, who managed to capture a quite fantastic rare silverback AAA KINGKONG, a solo Great Power and a couple of oddly-sized others. Nothing we got for Christmas took CR2s or 23As. What kind of odd presents were people giving you, Lee?

And shame on Rocket for pretending to be a "green" battery. "Ultra green" clearly only refers to the colour of the battery, not its environmental credentials.

Rocket, KINGKONG, Great Power and Golden Power - Lucky man!

"Me again, the guy that puts an alarming amount of effort into battery photos. It's certainly a cause for concern. Anyway, please find attached a shot of the Christmas battery booty. On the left you'll see a Rocket in AA size, which compares nicely with a previous reader's AAA version.

"My Rocket is veering away from his neighbour - perhaps a wise move considering it's King Kong! Or at least a battery version. Next along is Great Power, an unusually sized CR2. Finally is Golden Power, which is a 23A. I really hope that 23As find their way to popular success in 2008, as at they moment they're seen as a poor man's AAA - ironic considering their higher cost.

"I also have some red Panasonic "not for retail trade" AAs, and a Sonic the Hedgehog fridge magnet. Photos can be provided if you do so desire, but I won't take it personally if you don't care - Lee."
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South American Fanny Tuna

A man who doesn't want us to use his name, and therefore link him forever with this in the Google search results for "fanny pictures," sent us this.

It's a tin of South American tuna. It is called Fanny.

FANNY PICTURE

It's a good shot. Nice depth of field. Sensational background. Rare to see amateur photography of such high quality while out on location.
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Web 2.0 mail order bride service

At least that's what this looks like.

Web 2.0 mail order bride service

Don't come too close. Or we'll start to feel uncomfortable and won't be able to make eye contact.
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Thursday, January 10, 2008

CES 2008: Shit-eating grins all round at Team Blu-ray

Look at them. Smug shits. Proud to have won a slightly larger share of an amazingly small bean everyone's been fighting over for the last two years, in front of a disinterested and uncaring planet.

Blu-ray mass wanking session

"Studio executives discuss Blu-ray Disc's strong showing in 2007 at a news conference Monday evening at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. (Photo: Business Wire)"

Blu-ray mass wanking session - cheap prostitutes now invited

WHO TO HATE: "(Back, left to right): Don Eklund, Executive Vice President of Advanced Technologies, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment; Lexine Wong, Senior Executive Vice President, Worldwide Marketing, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment; Dean Devlin, producer/director; David Bishop, Worldwide President, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment; Leonard Maltin, critic and film historian; Amy Pascal, Co-Chairman, Sony Pictures Entertainment and Chairman, Sony Pictures Entertainment Motion Picture Group; Michael Lynton, Chairman & CEO, Sony Pictures Entertainment."
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Little Casio is all grown up - Exilim Pro EX-F1 almost looks 'proper'

It's black. It's fat. It has a lens that sticks out. It even has that little metal hook on the top for hanging it up that proper cameras have.

Exilim Pro EX-F1

It does video at 60 frames a second and can apparently record 1080 Ps simultaneously. It's quite boring apart from that.
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Shhhh! She's sleeping!

A very high-resolution and actual-size photo of an Asian lady who looks like she might be asleep. In your arms. This could be printed out and put on your pillow. Or used in other ways. Or just looked at while feeling sad.

She has one minor blemish. Looks like a popped spot. Modern photography can be so cruel.

Audio Technica ATH-ANC3 QuietPoint noise cancelling headphones

The people at Audio Technica clearly have "a thing" for Asian woman with their eyes closed. There's another one on their main page. It's a niche fetish we've not encountered before.
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MICROSCOPIC LITTLE WOMAN or really big TVs?

Rest assured, most of today will be spent trying to find a super-hi-res version of this sensational scene for use as a desktop background until at least Q3.

Panasonic 150 incher

The base even makes it look like they could be laptops, which would make her about eight inches tall. The proper and genetically boring answer is that it's Panasonic's 150" LCD TV on the right, then the more affordable entry model on the left.
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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Welcome to the GLAMOROUS and EXCITING world of Bluetooth headsets!

Bluetooth headsets are no longer the preserve of aggressive double glazing salesmen called Neil, or a cheap Christmas present for dad. It is now "OK" for women to be seen wearing them, thanks to Sony Ericsson deciding to start doing them in some colours.

Sony Ericsson HBH-PV712 Style Edition Bluetooth SEX MACHINE

It's an HBH-PV712 Bluetooth headset. Only to make women like it more, Sony Ericsson has called this one the HBH-PV712 "Style Edition" because women are into fashion these days thanks to Sex and the City always going on about designer shoes.

Sony Ericsson HBH-PV712 Style Edition Bluetooth SEX MACHINE

Style Edition means "comes in a colour other than silver/black or black/silver."

Sony Ericsson HBH-PV712 Style Edition Bluetooth SEX MACHINE

The photographer eventually convinced her to take her top off, probably by promising to let her keep the headset and lying about how much it would go for on eBay.

Sony Ericsson HBH-PV712 Style Edition Bluetooth SEX MACHINE

This one's nice. She looks like a cheaper, sluttier version of Lucy Liu. No wait, that didn't work out very well last time.

Sony Ericsson HBH-PV712 Style Edition Bluetooth SEX MACHINE

They have totally been empowered and set free by technology.
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The best thing about VR goggles?

She can't see what you're looking at.

Vuzix VR thing and a wise choice of booth personnel

We just stole this image off CrunchGear. But there's been a link to them on here for months over there to the left, so it's OK and they can't complain about it.
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"Finger massager"

Yeah, right.

Rudimentary wanking technology

Maybe afterwards. From here, in plain brown wrapping.
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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Sony Ericsson's W350 comes in "Electric Black" and also "Hypnotic Black"

Can you guess which is which? One type of black is on the left, the other type of black is on the right. And no cheating by putting your mouse on the pictures:

Sony Ericsson W350, in a black Sony Ericsson W350, in a black

And no, they don't mean the highlighted purple and orange bits. The actual press release specifically mentions the existence of Electric Black and Hypnotic Black as two separate colour entities. There really is supposed to be a difference.
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The Sony Ericsson MAS-100 Active Speaker and LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

No idea what it is. It might be a speaker, a bag to put a speaker in, a bag that has a speaker built-in, a phone, something Bluetooth, or some sort of shielded bumbag to carry your prescription medication through customs in without the dogs getting hold of it.

Whatever a Sony Piu is

Whatever it is, it's for people who have lifestyles. People who happily spend way more than £10 over the weekend doing activities. People for whom the outside world is an enjoyable playground, rather than a living hell.

Perhaps 2008 will also be the year those stupid board things take off.
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TARGET LOCK ATTAINED! BEGIN!

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CES 2008: CAMERA DAY: CASIO: EXILIM: EX-S10

10.1 megapixels. Three times optical zoom. No lifestyle photography. Comes in Cutting Yourself To Alleviate The Boredom Red.

Casio Exilim EX-S10

Even though it's camera day, this is the only camera we're doing something "about". Cameras are now officially all the same. Either that or we're just too old to tell the difference, like that time grandma thought Duran Duran was Frankie Goes To Hollywood and we had to have the mad old cow put in a home.
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Monday, January 07, 2008

Sony Ericsson Z555 - with LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

Something good eventually had to come out of CES. And it is this. Two photographs of a woman doing stuff with Sony Ericsson's new Z555.

Sony Ericsson Z555

First up, here's one of the phone. This is a teaser. It seems to have a nice clock on it. Now, imagine that phone pressed tightly and firmly against the ear of a woman...

Sony Ericsson Z555

Sony Ericsson also said it's doing phones called W350 and W760 today, but it didn't bother taking photos of women holding those ones so they're getting zero coverage here.

Sony Ericsson Z555

The images were supplied at 3328 x 4992 resolution. The Exif data isn't showing up, so presumably they were "touched up" and re-saved. Sorry to disappoint you.

Here's the full press release, as it's quite a good one.
"JUST LIKE YOU, THE Z555 CHANGES ITS LOOK TO FIT THE SUIT THE SEASON"

The new Sony Ericsson Z555 combines advanced features with breathtaking aesthetics

Las Vegas, USA - 6th January 2008 - Sony Ericsson today revealed the Z555, an elegant clamshell phone which combines a rich feature set with striking good looks. It's a perfect match of the latest feature set with an innovative diamond design, intended to make one big style statement.

Together with the Z555, Sony Ericsson announced a series of stylish new accessories including a Design Collection of four leather bags all offering unique and creative carrying solutions, as well as three new sleek Bluetooth(tm) Headsets, HBH-PV708, HBH-PV770 and HBH-PV712.

"The Z555 is designed to reflect your look and attract attention," said Sven Totte, Head of Style Marketing at Sony Ericsson. "We've created it for people who are looking for a beautifully designed phone that reflects their personal style and does not compromise on features or performance."

Sony Ericsson Z555 - A statement of style

* Gesture Control - manage calls with a wave of your hand
* Hidden display - for an uninterrupted finish
* Everchanging themes to suit the season
* Sleek design accessories to complete your look

Make a statement
Whether at work or at play, you have a personal style that's all your own - a style and look that the Z555 sets off perfectly. With a unique diamond reflective finish on the front, and sophisticated details, it truly reflects your personality. Choose between Diamond Black and Dusted Rose and you will soon get noticed.

Just wave the interruptions away
The Z555 incorporates Sony Ericsson's handy Gesture Control, letting you easily mute the phone or snooze its alarm without having to interrupt what you're doing. When a call comes in, a simple movement of your hand back and forth over the phone mutes the ringtone. Similarly, sweep your hand over the phone when using it as your alarm clock to put it into 'snooze' mode. Works like magic!

Stay informed - discreetly
The Z555's outside display shows you who is calling even without opening the clamshell. When it's in idle mode, the outside display remains discretely invisible...with no compromise to the design.

The latest look
Just like you, the Z555 changes its look to fit the suit the season. The colours and designs that appear within the phone's themes, effectively the look of the menu system and home screen, can update automatically as the year goes by. Linked to the phone's calendar, the Z555 knows when it's time for that summer look to give way to the fall. It even saves something special for big events like News Year's Eve!

Indulge your passions on the go
The Z555 allows you to grab that spare moment in a taxi to catch up with your favourite band or even book. Store your favourite music tracks or audio books on the phone and sort them by chapters, albums or artists. Tune in to FM Radio for the weather, traffic or the latest celebrity news.

Snap the action as it happens
The Z555's 1.3MP camera ensures that you're always in a position to snap the action as it happens. Take a picture of a potential new purchase and send it as a picture message to a friend or upload it directly to your 'blogsite' so that everyone can share what you've been up to.

Accessorise to complete the look
Any stylist will tell you that no look is complete without the right accessories. The Design Collection offers four different stylish leather bags that complement
your style and protect your phone at the same time. This Collection offers creative and stylish carrying solutions that fit with your phone and your style.

The Z555 is also compatible with three sleek new Bluetooth(tm) headsets:

* The Bluetooth(tm) Headset HBH-PV708 offers the best combination of style and convenience - to keep you in touch whether you're walking the dog or buying a coffee
* The Bluetooth(tm) Headset HBH-PV770 provides an alternative in-ear wearing style so that you can still use it while wearing your glasses or sunglasses
* The Bluetooth(tm) Headset HBH-PV712 reduces background noise and maximises comfort, letting you concentrate on the person you are talking with. It also raises the style stakes thanks to the two changeable Style-up(tm) covers included with it.

The Z555i is an EDGE/GSM/GPRS 900/1800/1900 phone that will be available in selected markets from Q1 2008. The Z555a is an EDGE/GSM/GPRS 850/1800/1900 phone, available in the same timeframe.

The Design Collection will be available in selected markets from January 2008.

The three Bluetooth(tm) Headset (HBH-PV708, HBH-PV712 and HBHPV770) will be available in selected markets from February 2008.
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And Samsung...

Very pleasing and relaxing mountain scene. This joyous natural image would make the act of handing over £800 for something that'll be out-dated and worth literally nothing 18 months from now almost seem like a pleasure.

Samsung Series 4 and 5 LCDs

It's part of Samsung's Series 4 and Series 5 LCD range. It has a bit of red going around the outside of it, due to those emerging manufacturing techniques we exclusively revealed a while back, plus, we would imagine, more HDMI sockets round the back than last year's models had. There might even be one on the side.

That's it for TVs now. Coming up next - 24 sequential updates about mobile phones that are also all pretty much identical. Today is going to be a double record day for Idiot Toys. (1) The most updates. (2) The most least interesting updates.
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CES 2008: Panasonic's done a new TV as well

The lazy shits couldn't be bothered Photoshopping a pleasant wildlife scene onto the press image. Bezel looks a bit thick, too. 6/10.

Panasonic Viera TH-46PZ80

This one's name is Viera, although its television friends will use its full formal birth name which is TH-46PZ80. It probably also has more HDMI sockets round the back than the ones Panasonic made last year.

Perhaps they have also thought up a clever new name for its image processing system as well, like "SeeNic" or "PictureMax360."

TECH SPECS:
It will probably be at least 12 inches wider than the HDTV we paid EIGHT FUCKING HUNDRED FUCKING pounds for 18 months ago and will cost less, plus it will have more HDMI sockets and be 1080p for added insult.
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CES 2008: Some new TVs are coming out

Here is one such example:

A Sharp Aquos, spec unknown

It is by Sharp. It is called an Aquos. It probably has more HDMI sockets than the ones it made last year. Apparently, Sony has also said it's making some new TVs as well. It is all go in the tech world.

Sadly for Sharp, we are not in the market for a new HDTV at the moment. The one we bought for EIGHT FUCKING HUNDRED FUCKING QUID about 18 months ago is now worth about £20 and we could get something with a screen the size of Texas for £800 now.
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CES 2008 overload

In the last 24 hours, approximately 1.2 milion new gadgets have been announced over at CES in Las Vegas. It's a bit overwhelming. We literally do not know where to start.

So here's a video of Bill Gates being funny and playing Guitar Hero 3 with a nice woman they got in to make it all a bit more visually appealing.

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Friday, January 04, 2008

LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY CHALLENGER: Fantastic selection of work from Canton

Nothing will beat the staggering photographic works of Parrott, but this collection of promotional pictures from German-based audio manufacturer Canton comes pretty close.

CANTON: Looking at things from an angle

Here's one of a woman looking at some sound. THAT'S how good the speakers are!

CANTON: Looking at things from an angle

What is he thinking? "I can't believe she bought me a FUCKING iPod dock for Christmas" is the best we can come up with.

CANTON: Looking at things from an angle

This is for the benefit of that woman reader who came by here once and left that comment. Maybe one day she will return if we keep up with the homoerotic product photography.

CANTON: Looking at things from an angle

This is for everyone else. This speaker is ideal for leaning on when alone at a party. You can lean on it and smile as if you're having as much fun as everyone else, when, in fact, you'd rather be at home doing blog updates or looking at photos of other people's girlfriends on Facebook.

CANTON: Looking at things from an angle

More delights can be enjoyed over at Canton's site. It shows there's a lot of potential in the European holding scene.
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Would this fit in our PC?

The inner-workings of the Idiot Toys PC are a mystery. It might have a graphics card. It might not. And god knows what kind of shaped slots are in there. The casing has remained sealed since before time.

Opening the case would reveal secrets about PC manufacturing that have been forgotten since the flimsy plastic housing was clipped closed in late 2002.

Unitech HD ATi Radeon 2600XT

But we're quite tempted to buy a Unitech HD ATi Radeon 2600XT just for the hell of it.
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Canon EOS-2DS MKIV 24megapixel DSLR

Also comes with a strap. And a little bag.

Canon EOS-2DS MKIV 24megapixel DSLR

And some stickers.
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Thursday, January 03, 2008

ROCKET POWER: Powering the Korean space programme

Who would've thought rockets ran on AAA batteries? They must need, like, 24 or maybe even 48. And that's with a light payload.

ROCKET POWER: Energy for a trip to the moon

"A battery I found in Korea... my close-up zoom thingie* broke so it's a bit blurred. It was given to me by a PR lady at Gravity when I was worried my voice recorder would run out of juice. It didn't, but I kept the battery anyway - Brandon"

*AMATEUR terminology.
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New alternate Daily-max AA with asymmetric gold banding

First we got these. Now we have these. A clearly more modern version of the Daily-max designed to appeal more to the brash Western consumer. Beautiful design work:

Daily-max: Power, day after day after day

"I have some more Daily-max Batteries that I received in a Black and Decker electronic drill set this Christmas. Needless to say my family did not understand my excitement upon receiving these batteries, and looked mildly confused when I exclaimed I had some "Daily-max Batteries!". Anywho, enjoy these batteries and I have some more to photograph that are allegedly 'Diamond Powered' - Rob."
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Dell now offering new Windows options

Dell's sales range is proud to let you upgrade to Microsoft's exciting new XP operating system! No longer will you have to put up with that slow and bloated old Vista install its models used to come with.

Dell sees corporate sense

File this one under VICTORIES FOR THE COMMON MAN.
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Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Is it shameful to have a Tesco PC?

Only Tesco is knocking out quad-core Medion monsters for £579 at the moment, and it's quite tempting to go and pick one up when popping down this weekend to stock up on half-price biscuit selection boxes and Christmas puddings:

Medion quad-core PC, bread, milk, maybe cheese if there's any on discount

It doesn't look that ugly and has a 1TB hard drive. And who ever asks you where you bought your PC from anyway?
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Have a TERRIFYING new year with Philips

2008 - the year Philips will arrange to have a small child sneak up on you from behind and tear your eyes out.

Philips - EVIL CHILD TORTURERS

This shows a shocking lack of foresight. Generating eyeless children today will massively reduce the sales potential of Philips' TVs a couple of decades from now.

Getting your eyes ripped out is a slightly better gift than a Bravia, but still not on the first page of our "Things To Do in 2008" list.

THE THINGS TO DO IN 2008 LIST:
  • Update this blog
  • Update that blog
  • Update the other blogs
  • Try and get out of doing "videos" somehow
    • Not, expensive recipients were sold to e-mail and practice average. To its head is the cultivation and to its advantage is the video. This is far the trial of the group in the teenage successful survivors.

    So did anyone get any nice Christmas batteries?

    Best we managed were these "Not for Retail Trade" industrial Panasonics. It's good having batteries THEY don't want you to be using. They were the in-box set that powered a Canon digital camera (bought for self to alleviate inevitable present disappointment).

    NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU

    One day of half-hearted digital photography and experimentation with settings drained them dead, sadly, so it would appear they don't contain any super-powerful new technology that is yet to trickle down to the consumer.

    NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU

    This sad battery haul is mainly because we got jumpers, shirts and chocolate. The shirts and jumpers have already been exchanged for ones we actually like, while the chocolates are nestling in a specially constructed flabby paunch a few centimetres above the waistline.
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    EMAIL US THINGS THAT WERE ON ENGADGET SIX MONTHS AGO

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    EMERGENCY LINK TO THAT UPDATE WITH ALL THE LADIES

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    THE BEST TWO OTHER WEB SITES IN THE WHOLE WORLD APART FROM THIS ONE

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    SITE FEEDS

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    WHERE WE STEAL IMAGES FROM WITHOUT GIVING CREDIT:

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    MISC:

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    HOSTED BY:

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