EASTPOWER - double submission! Double the batteries!

Two rare alternate versions of the EASTPOWER, photographed a bit worse. This is not going to be an interesting or funny update. We're just being completists.



"I found these batteries inside the remote control of a cheap amplifier bought from Argos and thought you might like them. I was initially excited by what appeared to be the Triforce on them, although this later turned to be upside down. Also one of them appears to be imploding. I probably won't put them back in the remote control - James."



"I pulled these out of a teddy bear night-light thing that my daughter got for Christmas."



"They actually lasted three months, which must be something of a record for batteries in toys at Christmas. This apparent stamina appears to be reflected in the no-nonsense graphics on the batteries themselves. Are they rare? And if so, are they worth anything?"



"I hope you don't mind the attempt at artistic photography, or the crumbs under the toaster. From Paul in sunny Manchester."

The "USB Battery"

Here's a sad thing. We have accidentally acquired enough facts about batteries to know that a 950mAh capacity isn't particularly impressive. Can't wait to hit the laydeez with facts like this at the office Christmas party.

We also know there are other USB batteries in existence. Only they are called cool and clever things. They are not simply called "USB Battery." Presumably, the idea is you contact the manufacturer to get a batch made up with your company logo on, then flog them on the high street.

Would anyone like to buy an Idiot Toys rechargeable set?



"I've been visiting your site for ever now and I find it invariably amusing. Below I have inserted my find. It is not a find actually - it came to my mailbox with a product offering from some chinese company. The very second I saw this, I knew it has to be shared even though I don't really get what it does. Well, see it for yourself - the "USB battery' - Tom."

Lawn appears less tight under closer inspection

We have exclusively acquired alternate images of the amazingly tight lawn. It would appear to be not quite as amazing as initially thought...



Major kinking there at the end of stripe seven. Terrible. Something clearly distracted or startled the mower.

Gadgets with FACES #29: Another car dashboard

The car dashboard with a face update is a personal favourite. Here's another one.



"I've been noticing faces on every items surrounding me. My favourite has to be the well-featured inside of this car. It has ears, hairs and everything, making it the culminating point of the 'Gadgets with Faces' series. It cannot get any better, so please stop the feature right after. Use only bold characters when posting it.

"Unlike your other readers I won't pretend having a girlfriend and even if I did I would not pretend being embarrassed by taking pictures of a CD player. PS: Gadgets aside, I still voted "Increasingly explicit Asian pornography" to your poll and I urge everyone else to do so - Omar."

OLD REMOTE: Hitachi laserdisk plus bonus machine shots and Polaroid remote

Old Remotes may not be the most prolific feature we've ever done, but it certainly inspires passion among those who join in. Here's Eddie joining in and really going for it with his nondescript Hitachi laserdisk changer.

OPENING PREAMBLE:
"I've got a old remote update for you from the days when 11 buttons was all you needed. It's another laserdisk player remote but I've included the player in the picture to keep things exciting."



"Here's the remote lying on a new remote as though it were engaged in some sort of horrific inter-generational remote porn. Look at its disgusting rubbery buttons lying all over the pert plastic buttons. It's sick! Fans of taste and decency will be glad to note I went for the granny porn angle instead of the brown on silver, interracial angle. Angry emails avoided!"



"Here's the remote leaning against the laserdisk player in a relaxed fashion. It's like 1985 never went away!"



"Here's a close up of the remote. You can see all the names on the buttons. Notice two types of fast forward. These days that would be condensed down two buttons. Things really were better in the old days."



"Here is the cutting edge analogue counter. Before boffins invented moving numbers, you had to make do with a LED on a wire that would move up ad down in a vague approximation of the time elapsed."



"Here's the shocking and depressing twist! I cracked open the battery compartment to find: No batteries. Stupid battery leak aware parents. Ok, bye then. Good luck making this interesting/funny - Eddie."

Boxes with FACES #1: A Telefunken TH600 headphone box

Not only are these headphones made by "Telefunken" and therefore worthy of mention already, their box also features possibly the best-defined face we are yet to see. Shame it's only on a box rather than an actual gadget, but it's still very pleasing to the eye and the part of the brain that recognises faces.



"This box from some crappy 70s-state-of-the-art headphone with cool volume wheels on the shells and a very rubbish sound, has probably the most evil grin ever seen. Reminds me a little of this clown from the Stephen King movie where I can't remember the name. Cheers,Daniel."

Piaggio LIFESTYLE PHOTOGARPHY OVERLOAD

We are finally done with the epic save/resize/upload task that is putting the Piaggio PR image library into the public domain. If you ever need an image of a fashionable lady in the immediate vicinity of a motorcycle, we are here for you.









"I know you have a hard on for press sites, image archives and lifestyle photography, so I thought I'd sent you this. It's only for Piaggio, but there are a ton of photos of rich looking wankers that you may be able to write into your site. Who knows, you might find some italian model wearing a bluetooth headset while pretending to ride a Vespa."







The sender requested anonymity, lest he be tracked down and eliminated for handing out the login details to someone who wouldn't take the work seriously.





Possible winner.





Whoops. How did that one get in here?





This is beautiful. The van thing even has a face. It's smiling, because it thinks she's its girlfriend because she was sitting in it for a while. It is in for a rude awakening - she can't even bring herself to look at it.







Possible winner.





Possible winner.



Possible winner.



Possible winner.





Possible winner.



The end.

Return of the MACK

Actually, this is the first time we have ever featured the MACK. Looks beautiful. Would love to see these chubby beauties professionally shot.



This was sent in by the owner of this blog which is, not unfairly, called The World's Most Shit Blog. Plaster it in strobing purple adverts and it'll be there.

Sony A820 slips in nicely round the back

Kudos to the photographer for trying. But sadly we will never know if those are shorts, trousers or a skirt. Or if she's wearing strappy shoes. Or if she has those tell-tale bruises on her legs or syringe marks between her toes.



Or what her skin feels like against our face. Or if her hair smells of Vosene or Timotei. Hopefully it's not Vosene - one whiff of that as you move in always triggers childhood flashbacks and instant flaccidity.

A very BIG FUCKING PHONE - and some "norks"

The ball has well and truly been set rolling. Finally, the dream of having a web site where readers send in photos of their wives/girlfriend's/friendly local prostitute's tits has become real.

It feels a bit seedy. But we'll go with it and see where the road leads (initial guess - HELL).



"Here, from the distant past of 1995 is a Mercury 300! I've included the box, the phone and a Hyundai AAA battery for scale. For further understanding of the scale, I've included a photo against some lady-breasts. The breasts, so I am informed, are 38DD. AKA big and real. Photos are at 5MP from an N95 8GB. Please don't print my name and address - I feel dirty enough as it is - T."



Hopefully this will have scrolled off the bottom of the page before "management" next gets around to looking at the site. Tomorrow might have to be "16 photos of the Nokia N95 Day" to scroll this sickness into oblivion.

Gadgets with ELEPHANT FACES AND BODIES: An elephant robot that drinks human piss

Keen link-submitter "Seb" has finally struck gold with this - a robot designed to clean urinals. It also has a face. A robot elephant face. And a means of suction.

Complete with ears, trunk, eyes, and a little yellow party hat so children don't feel threatened.



Making it look like an elephant is not exactly going to boost male confidence in the trunk department. From here. That woman doesn't eventually end up having sex with it. At least, not in this photoshoot.

More Canon fashion idiocy with the PIXMA iP3500

They would be stupid if they weren't so damn arousing.



This is for when Vogue magazine or Marie Claire does a feature about which printers are the best. Or to liven up the 'Buyers Guide' section of PC Pro a bit.



She'd make a fortune on the wanking-off-businessmen scene.

They have some explaining to do

Their wives will be LIVID when they see this.



At least it's not a Nazi orgy. That's something.

One woman and her washing machine

It's the LG 'Black Addict' series. Her name would appear to be Elsa Pataky, should you want to spend the rest of the day seeing how naked she's got on the internet in the past.



"She's obscuring the top corner! Tell her to move! NOW!"



"Thanks, Mike. That's better."



"Now can you tell her to look the other way and bend one of her legs?"



"Brilliant. Just what we needed. Can you get her to touch its knob?"



"£10k well spent. Tell her she can go."

The Vuzix clones are coming!

They really have lowered the special effects budget for this latest series of Doctor Who.



The device would appear to be called, unsurprisingly, an "iWear." Didn't see that one coming from FIVE BILLION MILES AWAY.



It is available in 3 mobile stores. Then it will be available in Poundstretcher six months later after 3 bins off the unsold stock.

The MIDI-MAX AAA (plus Energiser AA for scale)

This is also an entry in the occasional series 'Seeing The Inside of a Reader's House'. You can see quite far back in the first shot. That's a suit jacket. Perhaps he has a proper job?



"I found this contradictorily named cylindrical sauce-pot in a cheap alarm clock from a bag full of promotional junk that was given to me."



"To give you a flavour of the quality of the item, the bag also held such delights as promotional mousemats, notepads, pens and the essential keychain. I would be overwhelmed with delight if you published the battery on your blog."



"It says "MADE IN P.R. CHINA" and claims to be "EXTRA HEAVY DUTY" although I am dubious. Boringly it has a safety warning and even a tiny bin with a cross through, just like posh batteries from Japan. It would seem that my "Midi-max" has delusions of grandeur."



"I do hope you enjoy my photography, note the painstaking lighting set-up. Many great wishes and best regards, Dan S."

One of these people charges more per hour than the others

One of these people isn't usually here. It's her first trip to the industrial estate and, indeed, to South Wales. One of them just got a taxi from the airport, and will be getting a taxi back to the airport very soon while texting her friends about how embarrassing the whole deal was.



Where's The Interloper? Can you see her?



And she's the only one who got champagne and nibbles. The poor civilian woman is instinctively leaning away :(

NEW THING: The most expensive Kit Kats

Here's an extra idea for a new thing we could do. It's called 'Most Expensive Kit Kats' and it's a competition to see who can find the most expensive Kit Kat.

Here's one I found on an EasyJet flight, where the budget airline was sneakily subsiding its rock-bottom prices by charging poor women a quid for a standard four-finger fucking Kit Kat.



Have YOU seen a really expensive Kit Kat?!

"Luxury Bedroom Furniture Specialist Feather & Black Opens New Store in Thurrock"

You know what this means - promotional image of woman in pyjamas! It really is about time we did a spin-off blog only about promotional images.



Or one about women in pyjamas. Or how nice it is to stand on those chunky mats.

Better DEAD than a businessman

Look at that poor man on the right. He's 58. He's just got to keep nodding and agreeing with morons half his age who haven't got a clue for seven more, long, hard years, before he can retire.



Then he'll realise TV isn't as good as he remembers and will wish he was back at work with young secretaries to look at. Life is hard, even in these modern times.

It's her again, from LG

The one with the eyebrows. The one we all agreed we'd quite happily go to jail for in exchange for ten minutes of/with/to.



Sadly, she has a bisexual boyfriend with good hair who is almost certainly in a band and telling everyone he's on the verge of getting a deal.

Pioneer laserdisc remote - powered by Kirkland

Oh yes, Old Remotes is still KICKING ARSE!



"My old remote from an old Pioneer Laserdisc player. Remember Laserdisc? They're like really really big DVDs and they're kind of cool."




"In the second picture I have removed the battery compartment to expose some lovely Kirkland Signatures inside. If it gets posted, credit it to Roundtree Cumberbatch - Roundtree Cumberbatch."

New company Ewgeco does not understand

We don't want to see the inventor, or the regional sales manager. We want to see the managing director's daughter.



She is called Tanya Ewing. Sorry about this, Tanya Ewing, but you're clearly more of a backstage ideas person than a front-of-house product holder.

Some Nokia box photos

Reader "DarylB" has access to a wide range of Nokia phone boxes. He declined to say why. We would guess it's because he works in a Carphone Warehouse, and there's certainly no (t much) shame in that.

Here are Daryl's boxes.



Box caption - "The mobile phone for people who live their own style"



Box caption - "The mobile phone that puts the world at your fingertips"



Box caption - "The mobile phone you can make truly yours"



Box caption - "The cellular phone that's fun outside and serious inside"

The new worst place on the internet - MyNuts

It's a social networking site for readers - or picture-lookers-at - of Nuts magazine. It's called MyNuts.

Occasional friend of Idiot Toys "Adam" described the scene as "like a night out in Doncaster ON THE INTERNET" which is certainly an evocative thought.



It is, basically, full of disgusting human beings all trying to have sex with each other.



Like most of the world, only it seems worse when you have photographic evidence right in front of you.



Honestly. People do this sort of thing seriously?



Just put it all away. You are not going to be the new Melinda Messenger, or whoever it is that everyone likes the tits of these days.



Another entry in our occasional series entitled Things That Are Wrong About Wales.

Parrot is BACK!

Our favourite provider of non-ironic lifestyle photography has released a new product. The Parrot PARTY Black Edition. It has "Near Field Communication" technology. Which will no doubt put you at the centre of the party, somehow.

This means parrot has once again assembled a collection of models, told them to look like they're having fun, and released a photograph of the fun happening into the wild.



The image was supplied as a staggering 4992 x 3328 63.9MB CMYK TIFF. You can find the original here, if you want to see what their toes look like.



Here's one of what their toes look like, to save you the effort.



This one only came at this size.

VOTE: What shall we do next?

Everyone seems to be bored of Gadgets with FACES. Big printers never really took off. And batteries? Well, there will always be batteries. You just have to lump the batteries.

But what else shall we do next? Let's vote!


This is the last time you're going to have a say in anything for a very long time, so don't just piss your vote away on 'old calculators' unless you REALLY mean it and have a drawer full ready to photograph.

"The BEST GADGET WITH A FACE EVER"

That's some boast. It's also some email. You might want to skip the words and look at the photo at the bottom. That's the real meat of the update.

INITIAL PREAMBLE:
"I am emailing you again after the success of the last time when I sent you some Asian softcore pornography disguised as an advertisement for a shit MP3 player or something (I've forgotten and can't be arsed finding the link). Enclosed in this email are pictures of other things that are very close to all of our hearts - an old, dusty remote, the batteries contained within said old, dusty remote and the BEST GADGET WITH A FACE EVER (if I do say so myself)."



"As all seven readers of Idiot Toys can attest to, if you find a remote control - you need to rip off it's flimsy plastic cover to reveal it's innards. I can't remember if you've ever featured these "Maxell Super Hi-Watt" batteries before, but they ring a bell. Maybe they aren't very rare and I've just seen them in other stuff before. No matter! I took a picture anyway using macro mode combined with the light on my k750i, which is surprisingly good as a camera. These are in the highest resolution the k750i can muster: a mighty TWO megapixels. I left one battery "in situ". You can see one of my fingers and a thumb, but I'm not female so don't start wanking over them, please."



"I found the remote in the studio where I do a weekly radio show (I won't give you a link because nobody will care). I was stuck in the studio after my show had ended because the layabout student due to come in after me never fucking showed up, so I couldn't leave. I soon started going through the mountains of crap that are scattered around the studio and found the "TASCAM RC-RW700 REMOTE CONTROL UNIT". The remote is fairly uninteresting, but seems pretty old and dusty. We have no need for remote controls in radio studios as we just press the actual buttons on the CD players, therefore I doubt this has even been used! A mint condition TASCAM is a rare find indeed."



"Lastly is something I saw on Easter Sunday night, nestled in a model shop window. I stopped to take a picture of him while my girlfriend wondered what the fuck I was doing. I just mumbled something about 'Gadgets with Faces' as I didn't want her to find this website and it's mostly holding-related/battery obsessed pornographic content. It looks like he is in prison, and he may well deserve to be! He has a mohawk, so is obviously a hard bastard, and looks like he may have had his left eye gouged out in a fight over the prison bitch (The Swill Man, whom he buggered raw, so I've heard). Unfortunately I was in such a state of glee that I forgot to actually check what sort of gadget he actually is. If anybody wants to check (because I really can't be bothered) he's in the window of "Wonderland", a model shop on Lothian Road here in Edinburgh. Readers will know it because it is next door to two strip clubs. He seemed pretty dusty, so he's probably been there for a while and will be there for a while yet.

"Apologies if this isn't funny or my spelling and grammar is sub-par; I
am extremely tired.

"Lots of Love, Ric."

We are 100% gay - for the Asus U6Ep

It's a proper update about a thing. The Asus U6Ep. A nice small laptop. We could always use a new, nice, small laptop. Our current one has 0MB free on the hard drive so needs to be replaced.



Of course, this update would not exist were it not for the brave product photographers at Asus.



Shame the flash broke, she'd probably be quite hot under proper lighting conditions.



It (the laptop) has a 12.1" screen, an Intel Core 2 duo processor T9300 2.6GHz which we know is pretty decent, plus there's bound to be a keyboard inside the case for typing words into documents and types of porn you want to look at into Google.

Gadgets with FACES #28: A particularly happy Dell optical mouse

They love it. They just love being flipped over.



"Today I was working away quite happily here in TomTom Amsterdam (cheap pop), when my mouse flipped over, all on its own. At first I thought nothing of this freak incident, until I looked down and saw this great face staring back at me. It's almost like a clown! Just look at the red shiny nose. Anyway, I thought you might be interested. I shall keep you posted with any more Dutch findings. If you're interested. it is some kind of "Dell" mouse. Came with my laptop. I know no further details - Steven."

RC-AAT06 landscape stereo remote control

RC clearly stands for 'remote control'. We're starting to get bored of companies and their incredibly thoughtless and transparent naming techniques.

But we cannot envisage a time when we will be bored by landscape remote controls!



"This 'remote control' is very poor. You need to be four inches away from the stereo for it to have any effect. Still doesn't stop me trying, though - time after time after time. I don't know what the BBE, T-BASS or SHIFT buttons do or mean. It would appear that it once had a flip-lid on it, probably to protect the buttons from unnecessary air-exposure.

"This is the only remote control I have, and the only 'work' I have to do today. If you ever decide to change themes, I can provide photographs of at least 7 different items of furniture. Regards - Max."

INDUSTRIAL POWER HEAVY DUTY

Congratulations to the children of St. Mary's Catholic School in Southampton, who won Shanghai Battery Co. LTD's Design a Battery competition. Their design is now in production, with 2.5million units a year being made for the export market.



"I found these in my Wharfdale remote. When it came to the point where I had to walk halfway across the room for it to actually work, I decided it was time to investigate the battery compartment - and I found these!"



"They sound so butch, and yet they're so feeble... thought I'd better send 'em in. I'm particularly fond of the lime green and yellow lightning flash and the wonky lettering - Mike."



Industrial power, as long as the industry you're in involves producing very feeble amounts of light for short periods of time.

Gadgets with FACES #27: A Hinari Lifestyle kettle

Reader's brother's tea-making facilities exposed! Sadly, now we've mentioned "Hinari Lifestyle" on the site, the standard of reader is going to plummet.



"The other day I spotted this cheeky little Hinari Lifestyle kettle at my brother's house. Not only is he poking his tongue out but also has an illuminated Hitler-style comedy moustache - Gary."

Matsui VX 2500 remote *NSFW*

Filth. Pure HUMAN FILTH. The depraved, disgusting conditions some people live in are beyond belief. We wouldn't let a dog chew on a remote control this dirty.



"My Bro found this little beauty under his bed (obviously not cleaned under there since the end of the 80s, dirty git)."



"We carefully moved it to a secure, dust free location to take photos of the... er... dust. We also think the leakage is a worthy picture, even if they are 'use by 1991' Duracells - Ian & Ash."



Leakage. Human skin. It is what we asked for, yet we now feel repulsed and full of regret.



Duracell in leakage shock. Somebody call Nicky Campbell.

DOUBLE PANDA and some "baps"

We've done the DP before - but never like this. We have never done anything even remotely like this...



"Since battery season seems to be back in full force, here are some I have been saving."



"They have got it all - Logo, shiny gold tips, SUPER alkaline and utterly irrelevant name.



"Attached are some glossy publicity shots, a close up of the logo and, in what I believe to be a first for Idiot Toys, a pioneering fusion of batteries and hot amateur breasts. Enjoy - willy1ka."



That is indeed a first on several levels. Thanks to everyone concerned. May this be the beginning of a beautiful and extremely long-running series of updates.

Gadgets with FACES #26: The hilarious Whirlpool "LOLTUB"

We are proud to announce the launch of the next big internet trend. It is the "LOLTUB" - a bath with a face. This will be so popular it's going to get on the news.



"Werd up. While researching bathtubs for people with special needs for an upcoming niche movie project, I came across this. It's quite smiley. Here's a version with some Photoshopping to really drive the message home. See how it's smiling? We can only hope the stars of Goldentards 4 will share the tub's glee - Stefan."



Literally hilarious. This one is going to go global. If the site goes down today, it's due to the influx of youths pissing themselves with laughter and all the comments being left by news organisations requesting interviews.

An exceedingly BIG FUCKING PHONE

Sorry about the swearing in the headline, there. Hope that didn't cause you any inconvenience or embarrassment. Only it's a bit hard to contain yourself when faced with what can only be described as a BIG FUCKING PHONE.

Here's reader "The Rat" debuting the Idiot Toys BIG FUCKING PHONE series.



"How about a new section on who's got the biggest, oldest and most incredibly heavy mobile phone? I found this big boy years ago whilst working for a company fitting mobile car kits, back in the days when a phone in your car meant that you very clearly owned a helicopter."



"It's a MAXON model unknown, and due to laziness I can't be bothered to source any info on it, but as you can see, it's almost as big as my fridge, and much much bigger than bananas."



"Also in an unrelated issue, did you know that Idiot Toys is blocked by the Chelmsford College admin team under the heading 'PORN'? Please write to them and clarify this error as I need the relief of your inane trivia to make me forget I'm attending sixth form college at the age of 29 - The Rat."

IDIOT TOYS PLAN OF ACTION "GOING FORWARDS"

2008-2011: batteries

2008-2009: remote controls

2009-2011: big phones

2012: Eternal sleep

"Klingon Warbird decloaking to starboard!"

"Initiate emergency evasion manoeuvre Alpha One One Bravo!"



"Alpha One One Bravo initiated, captain!" (new Firefox tab opens up on main screen).

TO BE CONTINUED...

The Floral Titi MP3 player

Korean company Flora Mobile has made an MP3 player called the Titi. We are still running around the office switching off the alarm bells that particular announcement triggered.



It says "Titi."



It says "Titi" again and also "asone" which looks a bit like ass.



Titi and asone.



Here's a selection of Korean body parts. No refrigerator is complete without the full set.

The Funai NO690 VCR remote control

Boring and filthy. Cheap. Monochrome. Not even a red standby button. But it is at least contoured to fit the hand.



"Some photos of a remote control we have at work - it belongs to a Funai VCR which I have also attached photos of as an added bonus. The remote in question has 'Golden Power' batteries in it (pictured) but I'm afraid that's as exciting as it gets. I can imagine Stalin endorsing this remote and making sure that every impoverished household had one. Indeed, it's probably still pretty cutting edge in the Ukraine. This remote is so insipid that it makes the grey table it is on appear picturesque."



"It makes me mourn the passing of VHS and the splendid remotes that followed, what with their jog-dial functionality, SP, LP (and sometimes SLP/XLP!) and things like that. What's remarkable is that this remote is only about 2 years old - It was the only Video we could get from Currys at the time you see. To make things exciting, I tried to picture the remote as if it was the monolith from 2001 but it didn't really work - it only highlighted the amount of dust that has accumulated on its surface. I suppose I could have removed the dust but I thought it mirrored the growing irrelevance of VHS nicely."



"I also enclose 2 pictures of the video player - the first shows an acceptable 'chav-chic' appearance - natty silver finish and the right width to fit nicely under a 14' Alba TV. It also has a genuine spillage on it which I'm saying is yoghurt."



"The back is incredibly austere, and made out of the sort of beige plastic that I thought had died out in the 80's. Sorry that the 2 video pictures are out of focus - I had to take the pictures quickly so no-one saw me, lest I had to explain why I was taking pictures of an Eastern-Bloc video recorder. The resolution of the images is 2048 x 1536, taken on a Sony Ericsson blah blah with a broken joystick. Bye! - Alex."

Gadgets with FACES #25: Fat Philips portable CD player

It's the fat kid. The one with the lazy eye. The one it's OK to bully because everyone does it and he'll never amount to anything so will never be in a position to exact a terrible revenge 25 years later.



Beano character?

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

Abi Titmuss holding a glass.



The surprising thing about this photo is that it's not a pint glass full of jism and/or piss, plus you can only see about 3% of the surface area of her horrendous tits.

Mitsubishi LaserVue!

LaserVue! Awesome name. It's a TV powered by laser light. Hence 'Laser'. And you look at it with your eyes, hence 'Vue'.



It's just a black rectangle for watching MTV Dance on at the end of the day.

THE PRESS RELEASE:
Just so it doesn't look like we got confused about the name. The image says "LaserTV" but Mitsubishi has called it the LaserVue now. Imagine the laboured focus group testing that had to get through.

Four old remote controls

For every amazing portrait Grundig there is at least 10 photos like this to get through. It's a man's home cinema spread. He didn't want his name on the site, no doubt due to the shame he feels over his tatty selection of home electronics.



"Yes, that's a ziptie on the Sony. It has an intermittent fault and the canonical fix is to smash it against something solid. 16 years of this has taken its toll on the casing, but it still works fine, except when it doesn't.



"The barcode scanner on number 4 still works as well as it ever has, which is to say, not very. And no, I don't particularly want my name on your site, thanks."

Model mentions boyfriend in record time

Now, thanks to modern technology, women won't just drop their boyfriend into conversation in order to stop you getting any ideas - they'll be able to show you a photo in an instant. To stop you getting any ideas.



"My name? Wai-Lin."



"This is my boyfriend."

The Grundig TELE PILOT!

A Tele Pilot! It's another in the Grundig landscape series of remote controls, and isn't she a beauty? Imagine how safe you'd feel in your lounge, knowing you had this to batter intruders with. Or the wife, should she accidentally express an opinion about what SHE wants to watch.



"Here's a really ancient remote control, the TP 590 VT. It's for a Grundig P40 Super Color TV. It's about 25 years old, I suppose. (To get teletext, you had to buy and plug-in a decoder on the back of this TV-set, manually, for instance. It's that old.)"



"It's so old that it was not called a "remote control" but a "Tele Pilot". Quite bold and imaginative, isn't it? - 'piloting' your TV instead of just 'zapping'... Also, I guess the 'remote look' wasn't established then. It looks more like a game console controller than a remote, form-wise."



"Both remote and TV still work nicely, by the way. Best regards, Matthew."



Brilliant photos AND a happy ending? It's the dream remote control update.

Gadgets with FACES #24: Radio Beach Booster

Brilliant face. Has ears, eyes, hair, a moustache, a wide choice of mouths and even tiny little feet.



Best of all, it was just sitting there on Amazon. The CD player/speaker section is a goldmine of face action.

The Peony Alkaline (NO LOGO)

No logo, just ALKALINE in gold on a rigid striped background. Looks a bit Tesco Value, but gold tips and lettering just about saves it.



From Terry, who did a bit of pissing about behind the scenes and somehow managed to track down the Peony web presence.



They need to work on their packaging.

We love only GOLD (FINGER batteries)!

Brace yourselves for gold. GOLD FINGER batteries!



"One more for your series on battery photography: The Gold Finger. I found them inside a very old digital camera that my housemate had."



"It's probably the worst digital camera I've seen, with a CIF maximum resolution (352x288), even worse than the Sony Mavica my sister's in-laws swore by until last year."



"As you can see from the pictures, they have leaked and rusted, and were made by a company called PEONY in the Shanhai Xinli Battery Factory. They're AAA size. Have included the dreadful camera they came from for good measure."



"I'm a novice battery photographer and don't have a DSLR at my disposal, but they're high resolution. 3.5/10 probably - Neil."



Neil, are you INSANE? A battery find like this is a clear 10/10. You're the man. The man with the battery-finding midas touch.



Corrosion is always welcome in battery photos, too. It shows the photographer is not afraid to takes risks with his health to get "the shot."



This makes us regret lowering the quality threshold of our battery updates. The GOLD FINGER blows 99% of the tat we've had on here right out of the water.



Or, to make an analogy with the Bond film it takes its name from, it blows other batteries out of a rapidly decompressing private jet window, then shags Honour Blackman when she was young and hot.

Christine Bleakley's PR photo shame

There's a woman called Christine Bleakley on the telly most evenings. She's quite attractive, in that strange, thin, shiny way famous women on the telly are these days.

She has starred in a couple of lovely PR photographs. Here they are.



This one comes from the Belfast City Council archive. Here, Christine is responsibly encouraging people to not risk having a go at driving after seven pints.



Another gem from Belfast archive. This is why it's better to stay at home watching TV on Friday and Saturday nights.



This one comes from the Department for Employment and Learning. Poor Christine seems to have burned her face rather badly during the baking process.

WHAT WERE WE GOOGLING WHEN WE FOUND THESE?

Local government training?

Adult learning schemes?

Belfast dockside redevelopment?

Christine Bleakley bra?

Gadgets with FACES #23: A German rice cooker

A German rice cooker with a face. Plus an extremely long accompanying email that goes into more detail about the rice cooker than the Amazon.de product page or even the supplied manual.



"My German housemates are trying to intimidate me by bringing in scary gadgets from the 'faterland'. Looking at her face (I think it's female), I have no idea what is she thinking about. Maybe she is unsatisfied with decapitation - her previous body must have been a nice, shiny piece of plastic. Or maybe she is angry about the fact that her head now is filled with rice. Speaking of which - who needs and what is, a rice cooker anyway?"

"Oh, and excuse me for the quality of picture. I resized it slightly smaller though. Since I have shaky hands, here is what she has written on her face.

Left eyebrow: reis kochen
Right eyebrow: warmhalten
Nose: can be switched between left(0) and right(1)
Mustache: kochschalter

She has also a tongue.

Yours truly,
Tom.

We're getting new money

If it wasn't for the internet letting us get excited about phones and batteries and pornography, there's a very high percentage chance we'd have turned out to be coin collectors.



Coin collectors, or in jail for a series of increasingly gruesome murders. Thank god for being born in the 1970s rather than the 1960s. Read about the new money here.

***ALL BLOGS EMERGENCY UPDATE! ALL BLOGS EMERGENCY UPDATE! ALL BLOGS EMERGENCY UPDATE!***

SEGA MEGA POWER batteries! Please alert all corners of the internet. We must have these. Dead or alive. Corroded or as-new. Cash waiting. As much cash as you want. Even sex. Any kind of sex. Our ear holes are your ear holes. Jizz on our feet. ANYTHING.



"These could have been the sole batteries to bring the energy life of the Game Gear in line with that of the Game Boy and thus win the handheld battle and change the history of SEGA."



"Who knows, it could have led to complete domination and we'd be sat here playing Dreamcast 2 by now. Unfortunately, it appears as though they were made for SEGA by Sony, so I imagine they tended to explode and production was ceased. Shame. Cheers, Brynaldo."

CASH WAITING
Some of these must still exist, even if they're a barely recognisable green mess in your Game Gear.

USANCE! MAXELL ALKALINE ACE! GP 550! ROCKET!

Four batteries from reader "Pell." The Maxell Alkaline Ace is best, although Pell apparently prefers the boring old Usance. Which just goes to show how, when it comes to batteries, there is no right or wrong answer!



"I have enjoyed very much your frequent features on batteries, and have trawled my flat for rare and exotic batteries to photograph and share with your readership. I have found many treasures, including the sporty "gp 550" in boy-racer orange-and-green, for maximum garishness. This must add to their effectiveness somehow, in a way that my feeble human mind cannot comprehend. The fact they are concealed within my cordless telephone does not diminish their garishness."



"Next are my favourites - 'Usance' ('Innovative Products Ltd. (UK)'), with their sensible warning 'dot not open battery' (sic). Their excellent grasp of spelling bolsters my confidence in the quality of their product. Also, I'm sure there must a possible pun to do with "'usance' sounding kind of like 'nuisance', but I can't do all your work for you, now, can I?"



"The "Maxell Alkaline Ace" batteries. I discovered these in an old Panasonic VCR remote control, and are the sensible, reliable, designated driver of the group - they carry warnings in almost every conceivable language!"



"And finally, that ubiquitous rarity - the "Rocket". this time, heavy duty AAAs, with almost as garish a colour-scheme as the GP 550s, but not quite. They carry the legend '0% Mercury & Cadmium', which is technically incorrect - it should say '0% Mercury & 0% Cadmium', or '0% Mercury OR Cadmium'. As it is written, it seems to suggest that it has no mercury, but plenty of cadmium."

READER EXIF DATA:
"These photos were all taken with my flashy new canon Powershot A720 which can do many megapixels and tiny macro - if you look at the photos at 1:1 size, you can see a dot-matrix-type effect at the edges of the fonts on some of the batteries. At first, I thought my camera was taking bad pictures, but then I realised it was exactly the opposite - it's so good that you can see the print pattern on the batteries that is too small to see with the human eye! it's true! look at the outline of the batteries - smooth as can be. Thank you, Pell."

The German FRIWO ACCU battery

What a rubbish design. It looks homemade. You can imagine Janet Ellis (or Konnie Huq for all you teens) explaining how to make this one on a Blue Peter special about batteries.



"A battery that should not be mutilated - DestructoEgern."



Thanks, DestructoEgern. Makes a change to get some brevity in the old email inbox.

Gadgets with FACES #22: Tefal Avanti Speed Toaster

Submitted by a reader who works in the toast-making industry.



Say hello to Toasty McPiggywinkle, everyone!

Spectacular LG Siamese holder twins

LG's risking bringing down the fury of the International Holding Committee by using these girls - Romana and Helena Woodcock, Siamese twins, joined at the right forearm.



The poor girls are fine, apart from only having three hands between them.



Thankfully, they have the correct number of bosoms - and a perfectly formed attitude!



There's nothing in the regulations outlawing Siamese twin holders, but this move is clearly going to rustle a few feathers in the IHC.

Grundig's landscape-oriented remote control - and Duracell 4LR61

Staggering remote. Staggering! You'd need to use both hands. Imagine how much more exciting changing channels or adjusting the volume would seem when it's such a serious task you have to use both hands.

Plus she's got a surprise for us round the back, too. And you thought Reader Remote Controls would be boring.



"It's like Jesus walked into the room and handed me this..."



"He didn't though… I found it in the spare room when tidying up some old stuff. It is a truly awesome discovery though – combining two of the 'Idiot Toys' highly acclaimed and much endeared series."



"Back in the day, this Grundig remote was light years ahead of its time. Long thin pointy stick baton-style remote? No, no, no. Landscape format, please! Simply breath-taking."



"Here comes the bombshell, turn 'her' over, flap off [!] ohhh, yes. Mainstream it might be, but only in brand. Check out the format? Duracell 4LR61. You don't get many of them to the pound [or indeed many for a tenner either!]."



"So, to summarise, in case it's all too much for you to comprehend: Grundig TV remote control, revolutionary landscape format, light years ahead of its time. Combined with 4LR61 battery technology, stunning non-conformist rectangular format. It's a remote/battery combo of the highest calibre. Regards, Chris Mack Riddell"

Thing holding EXTREME

Reader "Adam" thinks this laptop hold/use is being performed from the inside of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN. We are in no position to argue with or attempt to debunk that fact.



All we know is... there's nothing cuter than a lady wearing a helmet at an angle.

PLEOMAX! A dusty remote! Golden power! EBF mascot! Samsung dissed!

A superbly comprehensive and well-researched submission from Lee, who even takes us behind the scenes of his arduous battery/remote photo shoot. Lee, you ought to start up your own blog about batteries and remote controls.



"Here's a remote control for you! It's not that interesting, but fear not for it has a little bit of back story. You see, it's a very dusty remote. Unusually so, for I have made a conscious decision to never clean it, in an attempt to see how grubby remote controls can get."



"You can see from this extreme crop that the answer is 'very'. Note the brown tape button. Why is only that one brown? Actually, I'd rather not know."



"That Phorenzik fella beat me to posting this beauty, but I feel it deserves more attention because of the little character. Can you see him?"



"There he is! Batteries have mascots too. He's waving!"



"This one mentions Samsung THREE (3) times, even though the surface area of an AA battery is pretty small. You can see two mentions on the front."



"This is my personal favourite bit of the Pleomax. It implies that the rest of Samsung isn't sensible. I disagree with this as both my mobile phone and monitor are Samsung branded, and I have found them to be of a high quality. But maybe the Pleomax people know something I don't?"



"Golden Power AA: I sent you this one ages ago, but you didn’t post it. The rejection led to spiralling depression which I’ve only just overcome. In case the message accidentally went to your junk folder, here’s the image again. But I came up with (possibly) decent comments before, which are lost forever."



"Finally, here’s a shot that demonstrates the hassle involved in taking high-quality battery / remote control photos. Even this isn’t the whole story, as I shot in RAW and put them through three stages of post processing. I’m not sure if I deserve respect or pity - Lee."

THE ANSWER:
Respect! Maximum respect, in fact.