Gadgets with FACES #55: A bit of the Phoenix Mars rover!

NASA has sent a gadget with a face to MARS! It's the beginning of another tiresome conspiracy theory.



"I found this delightful creature on the personal site of Brian May from the super-group Queen. It's the scanner bit from the Phoenix lander. Look at its lovely little smile. As Bri himself points out, it even has eyelashes! The Lander scanner bit, not Brian, he is a rather sour faced chap.

"I was lead to his Soap Box section on his site by a mocking article in The Guardian. It's a great read. Lots of Badger stories, the cosmos, and masses of self importance. I love some of Queen's tunes, but May seems like a tool. Have a look at his Soap Box, it has an air of "Fake Steve Jobs" about it, except Bri is for real. Oh, I forgot, I should address him as Brian May, CBE. Any witty ideas for the CBE bit? - Brendan."

The astonishing DICK alkaline battery

Dick. A battery called Dick. It's probably actually called Richard and hates it when people call it Dick.



"Yes, the Dick. This came included in some shitty emergency cellphone charger set my employer was handing out."



"Please note that the battery contains no Miroury Crcadmiumadded. Which is a relief, as we all know what Miroury Crcadmiumadded can do the environment. The Dick Battery Co. - Dicks in name only!"



"Haha, 'osed up'! Stupid Chinese! It is made by the Dick Battery Co. Ltd. of Yi Wu City, China."



"In retrospect, it hardly seems fair that my employer paid me good money to position a pair of grapes next to a battery to mimic a set of male genitalia. I'll leave the 'Long Lasting, Hi Power' jokes to you. Full 5MP files available by request. Hugs and kisses - Blutnerd."

Gadgets with FACES #54: A whatever a Kenro Studio 500 is

This is a Kenro Studio 500. We have no idea what it is, and we're not going to Google it just to add a layer of suspense. If we had to guess... some sort of horizontal kettle. Although that makes no sense.



"Forgive my sloppy timing as you guys seem completely over gadgets with faces, but this one was too hard to resist. Gadgets with faces combined with over the top (shit) photography studio lighting? This is a Kenro Studio 300, comes with stuff and everything. I find the teeth especially terrifying, and the vacant eyes are the eyes of a cold blooded killer - Paul."

The amazing COLORFUL battery

Super Heavy Duty. Super retro design. Slightly wonky top, which would indicated it suffered an extremely rough insertion at some point in its life. A beautiful battery - our tongues are tingling just looking at her!



"Though I think 'Duotone' would be nearer the mark."



"Still, it's in keeping with the hyperbole printed on the side."



"Stolen from Leon's remote control Hummer."



"Shot with a Canon Ixus something or other. Over and out - 8pt Agenda."



Extremely reassuring words, there.



Rare mesh top. Environmentally sound-ish.



No spelling errors, just the unfortunate formatting error. What a battery. The finest we've seen for months. You'd be tempted to leave the battery compartment lid permanently off so it can be admired easily by all callers.

Tragic waste of toner #2

She's just photocopied the manual to see if it works. She clearly isn't the one that has to pay for the bloody colour cartridges.



This is #2 in our waste of toner series. We're soft-launching it. It'll be all we do updates about in two years time.

Gadgets with FACES #53: A really quite shocked alarm clock

Another gadget capable of displaying more facial animation and emotion than many top Hollywood actors. Emotion #217: "A third wank over Penny Smith's tights and shoes?! But he's got work today!"



"I think I may have startled/disgusted/saddened my clock by wanking a bit too close to it in my bathroom, it's been the same since. Nothing funny to add - Matt."

"Kevin Quigley in bath tub"

We were not Googling "Kevin Quigley bath tub" - the image just arrived in the email. Presumably from someone who was.



"I also find it interesting that the url to the picture shows 'success stories' - Omar."

15.6MB of SUPER POWER PARK photography

Hotmail must've upgraded its servers to allow this sensational batch of red-topped monster batts through.



"Hello!"



"This is for IDIOT TOYS. Too many batteries not shot in the world! I'm sending this magnificent shots of some super batteries... SUPER POWER PARK!! Enjoy! - Bernat."



Thanks, Bernat.



Nice photos, although there's no real sense of scale here.



And all the photos are of the front. Where's the poorly translated safety advice shot? Your heart was in the right place, Bernat, but you have still failed.

Static non-powered objects with FACES #6: A shocked old people's home

Let's not even imagine the HORRORS going on inside that make this modern development look so terrified. OK, let's imagine them. Sponge baths. Nudity. Desperation sex. Drugged bumbling. Forgotten trousers. THAT'S ENOUGH. We'll all find out in 40 years time.



"You should REALLY make a 3rd blog about things with faces. You're missing out on a whole new world of non-gadgets with faces, like this surprised looking old folks home I saw - Andy."

OTHER DEADLY RIVAL 'FACES' BLOGS:

Faces in Places (not to be confused with casual sex dating site FiP)

Dave's Flickr faces

Another one

Another one

CONCLUSION:
The market for faces blogs is already at saturation point.

Man "has taken them" so "may as well send them"

We're building up critical mass. We've gone too long without mentioning batteries. That can only mean another battery eruption is imminent. Here's a worrying rumble - a man's very nice four-way arrangement.

OPENING PREAMBLE:
"It's more god-damn battery photos. I've taken them, so I may as well send them. Feel free to save them for a lean period. Please don't use my name though; I get enough stick off the missus for taking the photos in the first place - 'Yeah love, just practising my macro photography'."



"How are you going to justify yet more battery photos? Why it's the International Miss Battery Finals 2008! Through to the final round are, The Netherlands - represented by Philips Longlife. South Korea - represented by Samsung. Japan - represented by Mitsubishi Black Diamond. China - represented by Huatai."



"As you can sees a risky strategy from Philips Longlife, sticking to the Western 'text going up' in the face of such strong opposition from the East Asian contingent. That is disappointing from Philips Longlife - after doing so well to reach the final round, to make such a basic error as scratched paint shows a real lack of experience at this level."



"The main text says Black Diamond, but the subtitle says Red Diamond Power - that's going to be costly."



"A poor showing from Huatai - out of shape and way past its best - a battery that should have retired long ago."



"Oh my word, look at that! Perfect from Samsung, absolutely perfect! Text - concise, Information - precise, Colour - flawless. They'll be dancing in the streets of Seoul tonight! - Xxxx."

Man makes amends with impressive spread

Not a particularly exciting hold, but we need to stay friends with "James" as he promises to send us "the biggest battery photo in Hong Kong" whatever that may be.



"Well, here's something to break up the controversy over whether compost holders, ashtrays, cardboard boxes with faces are gadgets or not: it hopefully makes up for that crap mouse photo of mine you didn't deign to put on the blog, and has seven different Asian ladies all holding things."

THE APOLOGY FOR THE QUALITY:
"Apologies for the quality: it's a scan from the back-of-the-seat magazine I was reading while trying not to panic on a China Airlines flight to Hong Kong. [They're the ones who occasionally land a plane in the sea / have it explode on the runway, so to keep everyone calm they had Cloverfield playing on the in-flight entertainment. Isn't it nice to be able to watch a cod-documentary about a giant monster, complete with a crashing helicopter, while you're up in the sky in a heavier-than-air metal tube full of explosive fuel?]

"I'm trying to think of something funny to say about all the meat that they're holding, but I'm sure Sponge Finge will be able to outdo whatever I can say. If I can be bothered, this weekend I will send you the biggest battery photo in Hong Kong - James."

Gadgets with FACES #52: A cheerful little Roland RE-20

You have to look for it, but it's there, nestling away in the centre. RE, by the way, is simply lazy product naming from Roland. The Roland Echo. The RE. No doubt it's the 20th redesign, or it has 20 effects settings. Sloppy.



"There is a cute little glowing face in between the two stompy bits. I MAY have something involving duct tape Sonic art coming your way soon - hope you can hold out... Z."

Outdoor season in full swing!

These lovelies were pictured out frolicking in the summer sun with an LG number, and boy, don't they look fantastic?



Can anyone work out what street that is and find it on Google maps? They might still be there.

Pornography found on man's workstation

Internal investigation launched, following the discovery of a series of increasingly explicit photographs of female tennis players.



It always starts with the female tennis players.

The absolute BEST photographs ever

A gadget with a face. A lady. Some red shoes. A carpet. A pleasing resolution of 1700 x 1294. A flimsy dress. A lovely smile. A seemingly willing and pliable body. Everything!



"I roughly pushed her back on the rug, grabbed her red shoes and..."



"...saw a reflection of a man's body in the amplifier. I said I was too tired and ran all the way home, the rain masking my tears."

Rare early 1980s product display photographs

Today's product holders have it easy. Computers were 10 times heavier in the 1980s, leading to rampant drug abuse from the Eastern Bloc holders and numerous injuries. Just look at the suspiciously wide jaws on this lot.



"I found these gems in a book titled 'Computers for Everybody'. Clearly a pioneer of 'holders', this industry icon demonstrates both poise and grace while lifting a 30kg box. No cleavage or leg required here. Pure class! - Johnny."



Nowadays, the only people with monitors that small in the workplace are the immigrant cleaners.



Are they encouraging incest here?



Not much use if you can't use it to watch porn on when you arrive at the Holiday Inn, is it?

Blondes get more free minutes and texts

Offer only available in store. Women must be vaguely flirtatious toward shop staff in order to receive offer. Offer not open to women who wear tracksuits.



Women must agree to meet shop salesman in Wetherspoons after work at 6.30pm. Women must bring attractive friend as second choice.



1000000 free minutes and 25,000 free texts will be added via a contract update applied upon the shop worker's arrival in the shop the next day in a suitably dishevelled and satisfied state.

Korea sells entire inventory of 1960s glasses to Tibet

A recently-discovered haul of eyeglasses from the 1960s found during renovation works in the South Korean Freedom Hospital has been sold to Tibet, for a sum of $124,000.



The 79,000 traditionally styled eyewear items are seen as outdated in fashionable South Korea, where transparent frames and extra-thin arms are all the rage. But, thanks to the support of the Dalai Lama, thick-style brown plastic glasses are highly sought-after pieces in the disputed mountain territory.

IF YOU HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO USE THIS PHOTOGRAPH
Post them in the Comments bit.

Man given freedom of Belarus

Stephen Thompson, managing director of Euro-Pens Ltd., receives the freedom of Belarus from Belarusian president Alexander Lukashenko.



The occasion marks the arrival of the one-millionth Euro-Pens biro in the Republic of Belarus. "Thanks to Euro-Pens, our country has been enjoying the benefits of the modern office," said Lukashenko.

"We will be the talk of Northampton, and look forward to building ever-stronger ties with Belarus over the coming years," added Mr Thompson.

ABOUT EURO-PENS
Founded in Northampton in 1971 by Christopher Thompson, the family-run business currently employs seven people and has recently moved to a proper office in the Seven Rivers industrial complex. Net turnover in 2007 dropped from £127,000 to £118,000.

EDITOR'S NOTES:
For more information, please contact Heidi at Northampton Newsmakers PR, on 01604 837837.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the Weeeek

Ladies deodorant promotional photography!



Something's not right here. Something's been Photoshopped out to keep Sainsbury's and ASDA happy. It would also appear the bosom has been created with the clone tool, using what a 12-year-old imagines a bosom looks like as a guide.

We're doing this update as everything we submit to Photoshop Disasters gets ignored. It's not nice being on the receiving end.

LG the latest company to get caught faking a "Levitate"

We've been covering the development of the mythical Levitate Hold (1, 2, 3, 4) for quite some time. Many companies have claimed to be the first to publicly show a levitate - but all have been later uncovered as fakes.

Here's the mighty LG, getting caught out. You can clearly see the supports.



Presumably the artist was meant to airbrush out the transparent stands BEFORE this image was distributed. A PR disaster for LG, saved only by the fact that you can nearly see the model's pants.

Gadgets with FACES #51: A very happy little Suzuki

We can't do cars too often, as every car in the damn world has a face of some sorts. So we'll only do exceptionally happy or sad cars. That's the rule. Disobey this rule and NOTHING will HAPPEN.



"Today I was on holiday in Sendai, Japan and found this car. I instantly thought of Gadgets With Faces, though maybe it's a bit of a stretch to call a car a gadget? - Colin."

The awesome poweer of POWEER

Sure we've done something on these before, but the search system keeps thinking we've spelled "power" wrong and won't come up with anything.



"Found these in a Yakumo DVD player bought off Amazon about 5 years ago for £40. These days that'll get you 8 DVD players from Asda."



"Anyway, don't think you've "featured" Poweer before but I may be wrong."



"Note the fancy Web 2.0 effect helpfully provided by my fireplace. Enjoy! Jim."



Enjoy, Jim? Just what are you suggesting? Are you suggesting we use these batteries for some sort of sick, sexual reason? Like, say, lubricating and attempting to insert?



You're sick, Jim. SICK.

"Latest Whirlpool Baths from Jacuzzi"

Stop. Don't. We got excited when reading the headline and seeing there was an image attached, but it's a 9.0 on the Missed Opportunity scale.



It's an empty bath. If this was a Korean shoot, there'd be at least three models in there laughing and playfully splashing water at the camera. One might even be jokingly undoing the straps on another one's bikini!



Towels and lubricant hint at what could've been.



There's a reflection of the camera in the mirror. Fourth-wall SMASHED.



Just one robe - she's single!



At least we learned something today - Jacuzzi is a brand name, so should be spelt with a capital letter.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the Weeeeek

It's a Maasai Warrior helping out with the business strategy of a fire alarm company that's based in Petersfield.



Anything seems like a good and exciting idea when you work in middle management at a fire alarm company that's based in Petersfield.

Learn to improve your business strategy from the Great Maasai Warriors

Maasai teaching the pearls of wisdom

As the UK business environment gets tougher, success and growth requires original leadership, real imagination and doing things differently.

Dave Green, Managing Director of Petersfield-based Channel Safety Systems, a market leader in emergency lighting and fire alarm systems, has done just that by embarking on a series of adventures with the Kenyan Maasai Warriors, spending time with remote tribes in Papua New Guinea and hosting warrior business training courses in the UK.

The warriors use ancient tradition and experience of a life far removed from what we know to teach how to boost sales and personal development, and improve staff retention and customer focus using personal resources. These include confidence, courage, responsibility, humility, pride, respect, dignity, clarity and a sense of belonging.

The Maasai can help directors with strategy planning and reassessing core values for business and personal life. Since Dave began investing in this life-coaching model from the warriors four year ago, he has doubled Channel's sales from £4m to £9m.

A former under-fifteen goalie for Chelsea, Dave passionately believes that unlocking success today requires thinking and acting differently, and on Wednesday, July 23 Dave Green will be hosting a very special event where you can spend a day with eight Maasai Warriors at Butser Ancient Farm in Hampshire.

He promises it will be a valuable experience for everyone who attends:

"Based on my own experiences with the Maasai I believe you will find this a thoroughly thought-provoking experience which will enable you to look at your business from new, different and fresh perspectives."

"As part of my own development as well as to obtain fresh perspectives for Channel, I have been on a number of short journeys with employees, customers and suppliers to Kenya, Papua New Guinea and the Great Wall of China. Some of my most rewarding experiences were when I spent time with the Maasai in Kenya. I found their culture, based on mutual respect, courage and finding long-term solutions rather than quick, short term fixes entirely relevant to the Channel business. It helped me make a number of very important decisions."

If you would like more information on how to attend this unique and innovative event and ultimately improve your business strategy with astounding results, call Anthony Willoughby on 07939 042 266 or email: anthony@iwnc.com

The Aerolatte bespoke battery solution

The branded Idiot Toys promotional battery is one step closer to becoming reality. There's a company out there that will put company logos on batteries. All we need to do is find them, then write off lots of money in the name of doing a joke.



"Please find attached three pics of branded 'Aerolatte' batteries, which came with an Aerolatte milk frother. One of those shiny things you really need to stave off the crushing doubt associated with your well-paid but emotionally void 9 to 5.



"The instruction manual says 'you need not use Aerolatte batteries when you come to replace them', which is good to know."



"Once again, my Sony Ericsson K810i proves that putting 'Cyber-Shot' on a phone does not make it a decent camera. Regards - Coolmuel."

Static non-powered objects with FACES #5: A toilet

A slightly ropey submission, but we like to encourage our more outspoken readers to continually "join in" - so you've made it this time, Haribokart. Even though, if your name didn't vaguely ring a bell from some comments section or or previous update other, it'd probably only be uploaded to the recycling bin.



"While it may not quite be a gadget I did spot this in the ever classy Salisbury branch of Wetherspoons, or 'Spoons' as my friends seem to call it. I quite enjoyed pissing in his mouth! - Haribokart."

Samsung blends traditional and modern

Korean grandfathers will buy this TV because of the ladies in formal attire to the sides, while youths will be taken in by the aspirational business user on the screen.



And several hundred avid internet users will like it because of their sexy little shoes which mask their tiny little feet. The feet-hiding temptresses!

When remote controls get covered in bits of Creme Egg

New low reached! Doing posts this awful uses the same amount of effort as doing the good ones, you may be surprised to hear.



"This is a remote that came with a CD player bought in late 2001. There is a melted Cadbury Creme Egg obscuring one of the buttons.



"It was a present from a real girl who didn't realise I hated chocolate, and in fact anything sweet (I prefer scotch eggs at all times). I placed the egg delicately on the side of my shelves and instantly forgot it. Over the next few weeks (and years!) it melted to a pulp."



"I didn't need to use the remote as my room was so small I could touch three walls whilst lying in bed counting my nose. I particularly like the way the chocolate has melted down both sides and into the battery compartment, although disappointed at the unoriginal battery choice - the McDonalds of batteries if you will. The photos were taken on an N95 with varying degrees of success. My favourite button was always 'P. Mode' - Don."

IDEA FOR NEW FEATURE:

Buttons with puzzling names

Static non-powered objects with FACES #4: A cheese grater

There's no pretending this is a gadget. The last electrical thing this saw was the back end of the steel-forming machine in China that spewed it, and 100,000 of its flimsy brothers, out several months ago.



"Not sure if this is where I send these to. Not even sure if cheese graters are considered gadgets. I like the mohawk hairstyle regardless. Cheers, Tiffanny Stephens."



Yes, this is the place you send everything to. Any sort of quality control or "editorial policy" has long since been dumped.

Samsung launches online helpdesk for lady buyers

For a one-off fee of £49.99, female buyers of the Samsung LCD range can enjoy a whole year of one-to-one online webcam tech support from a man.



Found another photo from the previous set. That's all.

WINNER - Best Expression, 2008

A controversial winner, this one. Several judges marked her down for looking like she was about to sneeze - but the Eastern Bloc voting was enough to get this "state of ecstasy" the victory.



The trajectory of her right hand also caused the judges a bit of bother.

Gadgets with FACES #50: A wonky-toothed new radio

This is also an entrant in Reader's Desks, Reader's Workmates, Reader's Work Telephones, Reader's Pencil Sharpeners and Reader's Office Mouse.



"I see your Gadget with Faces #37, the Wonky Toothed Old Radio, and raise you a wonky toothed new radio - Paul."

Count the moles!

Found seven so far.



The one on her nose is a spot.

Gadgets with FACES #50: A Mercedes Benz iPod dock

Evil alien lurks beneath unassuming leather arm rest. One of the better-formed noses we've seen. Has the obligatory Hitler moustache.



Case sides could *possibly* be seen as arms. The more you look, the more you see.

Pirates versus Ninjas in BATTERY FORM

Got this picture in the email. Not sure if it was done up specially for us, or if it was just found and forwarded on. Don't want to ask the sender. Don't want to risk him thinking we're friends.

No one who uses this many hyphens in one sentence can ever be our friend.



"My eldest son was most amused by your meta-tag 'Mark's worrying email' - and assumed it was me! I guess my boys know me all too well! Just to add to your concerns, and also to 'give a little something' for all the battery-freaks who flock to your site I've attached two images for Porn Friday - our two dear friends Pirate & Ninja - not the names their Mummies call them, of course - (they say that they're "just good friends", but I think there's a lot more to it - just look at all that case-language that's going on between them!)."



"The other is just a pure feast for volt-hogs everywhere... ENJOY IT BOYS WHILE IT LASTS! One day 'The Authorities' will find out about Idiot Toys (someone is just bound to blab to 'the wrong sort') and it'll disappear - but hopefully not for years yet! VB Rgds, Mark."

ANA-ASIANA launches pilot wife-swap programme

The man's happy because he's switching his wife of 33-years for one of the stewardess hotties. He's on a no-lose situation. Even the one on the far-left would be a huge step up.



The ladies are happy because not smiling for a period of more than three seconds is a sackable offence.

Gadgets with FACES #49: An electric doorbell

Eating batteries. Has a Hitler moustache. All GWFs seem to have Hitler moustaches, no doubt because most decent modern technology is based on Nazi war innovations.



The first working electric remote controlled doorbell, for example, was installed on the gas chambers of Buchenwald in 1942.

Olympus E520 - for business or pleasure

We're getting good at reading the subtexts of photographs.



This one means the E520 is a serious camera, not your usual Fisher Price piece of tat. You could use it to take photos of buildings and products to put in your business portfolio. Perhaps you could even take it to the next meeting and get some mood shots of furrowed brows.



And this is the "pleasure" shoot. The E520 works outside. It can capture magical moments, such as you breakdancing or your friends playing pool. You could probably even use it to film yourself doing sex. We are now left in NO DOUBT as to the Olympus E520's versatility.

Woman impressed by "Blue Phase Mode"

She was sold by the tagline "Gets your whites whiter and your blacks blacker."



She thought it was a washing machine. That was the joke. We will be here all year, ladies and gentlemen.

Samsung's New Literalism movement

This is a Samsung MP3 player called the Pebble. It's shaped a bit like a pebble.



This is how you would traditionally illustrate it. The product, plus a bit of a lady to glam-up the picture.



But with New Literalism the idea is to interpret the item literally. So here, the Pebble has been put with some pebbles.



Technically speaking, it has some megabytes and a hole for the sound to come out. There is also a button for skipping album tracks and getting to the singles.



We don't like it. Give us old-fashioned 17-year-olds in bikinis surrounded by 16 lecherous old photographers any day.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Girl band "The Tenerions" and a Yamaha sound thing

The Tenorions are celebrities somewhere in the world.



Actually, they're not. They're a fictional girl-band dreamed up to promote the Yamaha Tenori-on. It's just an excuse for everyone in the world to look at some nice girls on work time.

"It's as easy and intuitive to pick up as Nintendo, but the results... well, we're creating art!"

Tenori-on: you've seen the lights, now meet the group!

It's a girl-band like no other: there are three of them, they're called The Tenorions and the only instruments they play are - you guessed it - three Yamaha Tenori-ons!

It's little wonder that in its short life the Tenori-on has had such a profound impact on music makers the world over. Artists are already creating albums using nothing but the Tenori-on, such is the power contained within that diminutive, brushed-aluminium casing. But Jason Air is taking the Tenori-on concept to a new level. With success in the worlds of Drum & Bass and Hip Hop, his latest venture sees him as the driving force behind the world's first band to create music exclusively with the Tenori-on. Fittingly, this trio of Oriental techno-heads goes by the name of... The Tenorions.

The band comprises core members Nynn and Cici, who write the uncompromising and driving techno tracks that have already become The Tenorions trademark sound. With increasing bookings for live gigs, third Tenorion Fiona joins them on stage to complete the trio. They've recently returned from a tour of Spain and Portugal and have further bookings coming in from around the world. Perhaps their strangest booking to date, but clearly the most high profile, has been a performance on the Paul O Grady Show in April of this year.

Jason puts their initial success down to the popularity of the Youtube videos he posted throughout the Spring, and as a result they've garnered coverage in the NME, The Independent, and dozens of tech and music blogs.

For Nynn, Cici and Fiona, a lifetime either studying or producing music has prepared them well for life in the Tenorions. To begin with Nynn and Cici would write the tunes, taking responsibility for melody and percussion respectively, but as time has passed they've both seen a natural progression towards composing complete tracks in their own right - and all, of course, within the confines of that hand-held silver box.

But just what is it about this unique instrument that's made the Tenorions and the Tenori-on such a hit with people worldwide? It's surely no coincidence that the girls are booked to play gigs almost for the rest of this year and into the next.

"I haven't seen anything like it before," Nynn tells us. "For us it shows a totally new way of creating music. And it's so much fun to play - it's as easy and intuitive to pick up as Nintendo, but the results... well, we're creating art!"

But, of course, the concept of working within new boundaries comes with a lot of fresh challenges, as Jason is quick to outline.

"It's totally changed the way we write music, for one thing. It's nothing like writing in [Apple] Logic, you know! One aspect of Tenori- on that makes it such an instant tool for composing is that there are no filters or complicated plug-ins to program or convoluted menus to navigate. As a result it makes us think of the music in a more 'musical' way, if that, er... makes any sense?! It's really easy to focus on the music and not get so caught up in the production side of making music. Ask any producer with a well-equipped modern studio and they'll all tell you that it's pretty easy to get side-tracked by the technology!"

"The great thing about composing with Tenori-on is that it's all right there at your fingertips. I guess that's the whole ethos of Tenori-on though. In Japanese it roughly translates to 'in the palm', and that's exactly what the Tenori-on system gives you - a way to create melodies and program rhythms right there in the palm of your hand."

An extended version of this feature will be at http://www.tenori-on.co.ukor http://www.global.yamaha.com/tenori-on/

OLD REMOTE: Superb FAAC one-buttoner

A one-button remote! From a company we'd have to Google to find out what it is it makes! Whatever it is, it looks like this poor FAAC device spends most of its time in Woolworths having increasingly lower price tags put on it, until someone takes pity on it and buys it as a cheap Christmas present for dad.



"I found this remote on a skip in a recycling station in Brighton and thought you'd like it. It appears to be sporting a nice little Hitler moustache and is winking."



"Apologies for the mobile phone picture quality (w810i 2MP, daylight, shorts). I had to be quick as the place was full of Eastern Europeans. That's not shit on my fingers - Iain."

Samsung kicks off 2008 outdoor season

As soon as the sickly children start wheezing from asthma and hayfever you know it's outdoor holding season!



Flimsy material. Low-cut tops. The ever-present worry of screen glare. Exciting times are back!



Fantastic demonstration of a zoom feature. This is why the outdoor scene is much more innovative than the studio-based winter months. It's going to be a long, hot summer!

He's over there

No, seriously love, he's right behind you.



There's really no need to look so confused.



Honestly. We know we have a reputation as "jokers" and everything, but he really is just over there. There's no need to use the webcam.



What have we got to do to get it into your THICK SKULL? *SMASHES FIST DOWN AGAIN*

Gadgets with FACES #48: A quad bike

There'll be a battery in it to power the headlights, so it's IN.



"I saw this recently when I was in Lundy (you know, the place Londoners go to 'get away from it all' before realising there's fuck all there). Anyway, seeing as 'Gadgets with faces' seems to be stretching the word 'gadget' quite far these days, I though you might like this. And I bought one of your t-shirts the other day so you have to put it on the site. It's a quad bike with a face. But no lifestyle photography seeing as the words 'lifestyle' and 'Lundy' probably don't mix. Cheers - Geoff."

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: LG KM710

Phone looks awful, but photography like this needs to be rewarded with product loyalty.



If they were holding up tampons we'd still buy 100 of them.



If the one on the right was holding a poo she'd just done, we'd buy that as well.



Flesh. Touching. Quality holdmanship.

Women using remote controls UPDATE

We've been covering the gradual progress women have been making over the years when it comes to understanding remote controls - now it would appear to be almost second-nature to some of them



Here, Sun-Jin is attempting a very difficult AV1 to AV3 switchover. She was only handed the remote ten minutes before this photo was taken!



And there you go. Easy. Soon we'll be able to trust remotes to all ladies, free of the worry that the contrast will have been turned up to 100 by accident when we return.

NICHE WEB SITE: Olav's Plates

In which a man called Olav takes photographs of number plates from all around Europe. There are worse hobbies to have than video games and wanking.



That's presumably Olav in the yellow shirt. Go here and marvel with joy.

Man supplies 1,000,000 bulldog clips to other man

It is a three-year deal worth £72,000.



The only get-out-clause is the suicide of all involved.

USER GUIDE: How to tell a REAL Duracell from a FAKE Duracell

We recently came into possession of two FAKE Duracell batteries. The batteries were bought new, but, when it came to insertion time, they didn't power the device they were supposed to power.



Because they were FAKE and not as long as they should be. The useless fakes wouldn't connect between the terminals, as there's over one millimetre in size difference between a genuine 'Cell (left) and the two fakes. They also felt a bit lighter.



You can see how the printing on "PLUS" is out of alignment as well, and the batteries are covered in flimsy plastic rather than the usual Duracell high-impact Kevlar finish. Take a ruler and magnifying glass out with you, when next buying batteries.

Gadgets with FACES #47: The Nyko PS3 Media Hub

Calling this a "Media Hub" is slightly overselling it. Small, tatty, rubbish-looking memory card adaptor bought in bulk for 15p a unit from a Chinese wholesaler would be more appropriate, although slightly tougher to fit on the box.



Make your PlayStation3 even more useful than it already is. The addition of a Nyko Media Hub will take PS3 from "universally useless" to merely "incredibly useless."

Haribokart's French vacation - including batteries and faces

A man's holiday photographs. The general theme of his holiday seems to have been "I wish I was at home in front of the internet instead of being dragged around fucking France." At least he used his suffering time productively.



"On a recent trip to France I stumbled upon some mind blowing items, most impressive & surprising was the GIANT FUCKING BATTERY by the door of popular Supermarket 'Super U'."



"I also saw a house with a face like that of a young bird and a cheery little fire hydrant (although you had to be there to fully appreciate his faceness).



"Other then that the trip was a complete failure - Haribokart."

Sony Ericsson's Bluetooth headset range

The promotional photography features a wide range of smiles and expressions. There is an image to suit every occasion.



This one's smiling too much. Way over done 'American Enthusiasm'.



This one's not smiling enough. It's clearly a tough balance to get right.



Too pensive.

Gadgets with FACES #46: All aboard the Happy Train!

This is the night mail crossing the border, bringing the cheque and cheerfully guzzling up suicidal Welsh teenagers. It is presumably running on electrified rails, therefore "counts."



"I found this some minutes ago while looking through my RSS feeds. It's a train with a face! Definitely puts Thomas the Tank Engine to shame - Marko."

Man's "car booty" photographic haul

A man saw some things he thought we'd like so took photos of them. It's almost like having a friend. Next he'll be posting us pots of home made jam



"Went spectating at an estate auction yesterday and got a couple shots of some gear that might be at least mildly amusing. Considering the modern video camera, this BetaMovie rig was humongous. You needed a small suitcase to lug it, the batteries, charger and a quarter mile of cables around. And it's a Beta, which used slightly smaller tapes than VHS. You can probably date it pretty accurately by the rainbow pattern strap which resembles Robin Williams' suspenders from Mork & Mindy.



"Then you've got the cool old SCM adding machine. It doesn't appear to have any display other than what it printed on the roll of paper. It probably got ditched because it was too hard to find a new ribbon for. The little Novus calculator had one of those red LED displays. Radio Shack sold them new for around $80, I suspect. It could add, subtract, multiply and divide and that was it. Guess it was made before there were square roots or the value of Pi had been determined. But I forgot to pop the back off and see if it contained any rare batteries."



"And finally, pre-dating the BetaCam, was this Minolta home movie camera. I think it was of a type that used a sort of preloaded film cassette, but I forget what the format was called. One of the knobs on the side says "intervalometer" so it was likely more than just a basic model. Probably set someone back about a month's salary and took some great vacation movies over the years. And if you post these and insist on including my name again, sign me as Loren Ipsum - Loren Ipsum."

LG uses flash outdoors

They're outside. In the sun. The photographer didn't need to waste his battery by using the flash. It's a visual and environmental disaster.



Blinded by the teeth.



Their fake tan already provides enough illumination to keep a small village lit for a week.



Still, you'd have to, were it handed on a plate.

Gadgets with FACES #45: A train station defibrillator

At what point did this country become such a shit-hole that train stations need defibrillators on the platforms, just in case some fat fuck guzzles down his tenth packet of crisps of the day and goes into cardiac arrest while waiting for the 09.17?



At least they had the sense to give it a sort of friendly doctor face.

LG is launching a phone in the UK

Not that you'd be able to guess by the photos.



"Make sure you get that pointy clock thing in one of them."



"And make sure it's raining. Use an umbrella."

Vuzix LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

The recent clone invasion was just a taster. Here is the FULL MAJESTY of the creative and marketing genius of Vuzix.



A woman. Probably watching a video of puppies or kittens. She is happy.



A man. Doing an expression. Not being able to see his eyes leaves us in some severe doubt about what emotion he's trying to portray here.



Same woman, same expression, only they're playing a trick on her by swapping gadgets.



Same man, now doing his BUSINESS POSE.



Girl reclining in a lifestyle scenario.



Life and soul of the office. At least, that's what he thinks. The other 245 employees would all like to scald his face and arms with boiling water in the third-floor kitchen.



Go skateboarding with some plastic completely obscuring your vision? Great idea.



Really ought to be sitting down, not confidently striding into the path of a bus.



Grouped together for easy elimination with minimal ammunition waste. One cluster grenade ought to get all three. Or at least remove their legs and smiles.



Her again, using her eyes to better see the music.



Him again. This is our profile photo on several "social networking" sites.



Men using it at a show. Pretending to like this is more fun than being in a meeting.

Something for the ladies - Mr Sungju Computers 2008

Although he probably considers himself as something for the men and the ladies. Any willing couple. Clean. No strings.



Trainers with a suit? The All England Holding Championships would have him thrown out!

Samsung debuts "The Vortex"

A technically impressive, ethereal and extremely modern product display technique, but slightly unnerving at the same time. Certainly wouldn't want to see this 20 feet high on the underground.



Also, the eye tends to count the hands, rather than admire the product. Confusing at best. We're all for innovation, but this hold gets a misfiring 5/10.

This is not a Photoshop job

The photo came like this. Promise. It has not been doctored in any way. They thought no one would question the additional hand.



Perhaps this is how they indoctrinate beginners? Next week she'll get her wrist in a shot, then an elbow, then the terrifying upper-arm revelation moment. Then a shoulder!

OLD CALCULATOR: Texas Instruments TI-30

Had one of these. In the early 1980s it was thrilling owning a device that could automatically calculate square roots of numbers. Plus the red LED meant you could pretend it was part of a spaceship. "Shut up, Avon! I'm in charge of inputting coordinates today."



"Much as I would prefer to stumble upon far-eastern lovelies skilfully holding mobile phones (and given that I work for a company that makes software for far-eastern Mobile firms, I'd have expected a bit more of that), the first thing I've found that Idiot Toys might be interested in is this old calculator that I found while trying to find a cable to plug my Mum's laptop into her TV."



"I actually remember using this in the early 80s before we realised that keeping this bugger in 9V batteries (the one inserted was a plain old Duracell, unfortunately) was more expensive than just buying a new one that worked off the Sun or the Power of Love or whatever it was that calculators ate those days - Mentalist."