Office Ultimate 2010



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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

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How to get ahead in business.

Business 0.00001

1. Comb your hair lots.
2. Wear a suit from the 1980s.
3. Borrow your dad's old glasses.
4. Clap when told to.
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Structural building components with faces #2: A bit of the Hoover Dam

Sent in by a man called "Ric" who must've gone on holiday to Las Vegas. Or maybe it was a work trip? They're better than holidays, as there's usually someone else around to pay for the lapdances and steaks.



If ever something was asking to have a mouth graffiti-ed onto it, it's this cheery fellow. It's even supplied "START" and "FINISH" dots to show where the mouth should be drawn.
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Monday, September 29, 2008

The IT Screen Goddesses 'Making Of' movie

We did this thing ages ago, about a campaign to "sex up" the Australian IT industry by getting the prettiest (relative term) women who work in it to pose like film stars.

There is a movie of it. It has been rated R for scenes of OVERLY TALL WOMEN.

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CANON FASHION WEEK: SELPHY and family

The printer is bringing the family together. Before SELPHY came home from Argos, they all just sat in their respective bedrooms watching (from left to right) Trisha, Aliens and MTV Base on their respective TVs.

CANON FASHION WEEK: SELPHY and family

But they're not her kids. No way does a mother of two have enough spare time to get her hair looking that nice.
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New "maxi" format credit card launched in Korea

In a country where reputation is everything in the business world, show you're a serious player with the MAXI Card from KB Bank.



Available in sizes up to 2m x 1.4m.
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Friday, September 26, 2008

Women storage pods

Open them up when you want to play, then put them back in the box once you're done.

Women storage pods

Each pod has a slot on the top you can put food and the hose pipe through.
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Toshiba has launched a thing

Nice round edges. Pretty blue swooshes indicating this is a device that's only for boys. Good curved reflection effect. That must've taken someone quite a while.

It's a Toshiba 400 GB USB 2.0 Portable External Hard Drive

It's a hard drive. No, wait! It's actually more of a style statement that fits in with our increasingly transient lifestyles. Silly us.
"This is the ideal accessory for the style-conscious and multimedia-hungry 'crackberry' generation," said Martin Larsson, Vice President and General Manager, Toshiba Europe Storage Device Division. "External hard drives are becoming more like mobile phones – not necessarily a fashion accessory, but certainly a style statement. Now you can carry around, protect and share a whole library of digital memories whenever you want - with friends and family, when entertaining or for work. This is becoming more and more a necessity thanks to our increasingly transient lifestyles."
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It's a promotional photograph of the too-ugly-to-be-that-smarmy Quentin Wilson. A man that ugly ought to just shut up and go back to living with his mum and stalking female newsreaders, rather than appearing on the news as a "talking head" regarding motoring issues that Jeremy Clarkson's too busy to discuss.



Zoom in on his face. It will make you feel better about your face.



During the course of research for this incredible update, we discovered that Quentin Wilson is promoting himself by purchaing adverts on Google. Whenever someone Googles "Quentin Wilson" a link to his web site appears in the Sponsored Links bit. Isn't that interesting?
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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Gadgets with FACES #76: A terrified hand cleaning machine

You'd be screaming too if you had pissy fingers going in your mouth all day AND you were stuck on the wall next to the sanitary towel bin.



"Here's a hand washer/dryer screaming in silent agony in a public loo in Wiltshire. Who can blame him, obviously Dorset would be nicer" - Giles.
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Blu-ray set to emerge as true next-gen VHS

Finally. The non-blurry slow-motion we have dreamed of every day since 1992.



Relive those early wanking experiments in higher resolution than ever before. Imagine the clarity of the pause. Kids today. They have it so good.
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Gadgets with FACES #75: A radio/cassette player from a 1970s car

Sir Rich steps up to RUIN web site #2, with his second submission to the UKR/Idiot Toys banality consortium this year.



"It'd be difficult to express in words the deep sense of shame I felt after those pictures of my fucking hens appeared on UK:R. What seemed like innocent fun that afternoon swiftly became oh-god-what-have-I-done on seeing them again. Still, I'm sure that shame would be nothing compared to the profound worthlessness I would feel were you to ever use this gadget with face. I found it on... dear god... one of the special features on a Doctor Who DVD. A clip from Blue Peter of Jon Pertwee showing off the very lame indeed Whomobile.

"As you can see, it's a very sassy seventies tapedeck. Please note the terrible picture quality, I just took a picture of the telly. Yours, hitting send before I realise what a bad idea this is, Rich."
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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The sparkly fingers of a woman

We didn't realise women had sparkly fingers. Have they all got sparkly fingers? We're going to have to start looking at their fingers more instead of their feet.



She is prodding a Sony Vaio CS11. It has some sort of nonsensical light thing that the makers mistakenly believe will make people want it more than a much more powerful laptop that's only half the price.
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ATTENTION SNOWBOARDERS!

Your once-edgy "lifestyle" has now been 100% assimilated into the mainstream marketing world. Snowboarding is now as cool and dangerous as ordering an oddly-named coffee. You're all going to have to start putting nails through your cocks. It's the only way to go.



His mum won't be happy about him bringing that mucky old thing into the house. "In the garage, Brian! There's no snow in Hemel Hempstead at this time of year."
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BREAKING: Sony Ericsson has released a product aimed at women!

It's a Bluetooth watch. For women! For lady tennis players! So they don't miss any frightening calls from insane loners who have somehow managed to track down their personal telephone numbers thanks to a series of lies!

18-year-old Danish 'Princess of Tennis' Caroline Wozniacki

That's the MBW-200 Bluetooth watch you can see there. The small thing on their wrists. Those ladies are 19-year-old Hungarian superstar Agnes Szavay, 18-year-old Danish 'Princess of Tennis' Caroline Wozniacki and 19-year-old Slovakian Dominika Cibulkova. Just so you know their names and ages. It's handy having that sort of background information, so you can add an accurate regional accent to your tennis changing room sex fantasies.
Sony Ericsson announces its first collection of Bluetooth(tm) watches for women

It's game set and match for Sony Ericsson, as it doubles up with the WTA Tour to launch its new stylish collection of Bluetooth(tm) watches for women, the Bluetooth (tm) MBW-200.

London, UK - 24th of September, 2008 - Convenient, good looking and distinctive, the Bluetooth (tm) MBW-200 range of Bluetooth(tm) watches is an expansion of the highly successful Bluetooth (tm) MBW-150 range. With three different sophisticated designs to match your personality, be the first among your friends to control your phone with your watch.

Missed an important call or SMS because you couldn't hear or find your phone at the bottom of your handbag? With the MBW-200 this is now a thing of the past. Using innovative Bluetooth(tm) technology, the watch displays the caller ID and vibrates as your phone is ringing or when you receive an SMS. Reject or mute the call with a button on the watch or use the Bluetooth(tm) headset or mobile phone to answer the call and start chatting.

"The MBW-200 series is the next step in the development of Bluetooth(tm) wireless technology." said Karmen Mandic, Product Business Manager, at Sony Ericsson. "Now women can buy a Bluetooth(tm) watch that gives them both wireless functionality and an opportunity to express their personal taste. We're all looking for products that make our lives more convenient. With a glance at your watch you can see who is calling, what the time is and with a push of a button you can change your music or use it as a music remote control when your phone is on the other side of the room- all in one stylish device."

Designed in partnership with watch industry leader Fossil and the Bluetooth(tm) know how of Sony Ericsson, the MBW-200 series comes in three distinct designs; Sparkling Allure, Contemporary Elegance and Evening Classic. The Bluetooth(tm) Watch Collection features scratch resistant mineral crystal glass with an anti-glare coating for optimum readability and glow. The discreet, yet stylish and clear monochrome OLED display is invisible when not in use and clearly visible on a bright day so that you can see who is calling or which track is playing with ease.
Can't decide which stylish Bluetooth(tm) Watch is for you? Sony Ericsson has teamed up with three leading female tennis players to show how each MBW-200 watch has a distinct personality to match anyone's personal style and fashion tastes.

The Sparkling Allure Edition, as modelled by 19-year-old Slovakian Dominika Cibulkova, is glamorous, yet strong and sporty - created for the ultimate young and funky fashionista. With its on trend white leather strap and display with crystal décor stones, this stylish number is perfect for making a fashion statement while being practical and convenient.

The Contemporary Elegance Edition, as modelled by 18-year-old Danish 'Princess of Tennis' Caroline Wozniacki, is perfect for the young professional who wants to stay focussed on the job at the same time as staying connected. Enjoy the benefits of the stainless steel watch with its efficient call handling and make a dazzling impression wherever you are.

The Evening Classic Edition, adorning 19-year-old Hungarian superstar Agnes Szavay, has a classic yet casual profile. The stylish leather strap and discreet black face can be worn in any environment, whether at home, in the office or on a weekend away. For those who are always on the move the vibration alert of an SMS, or out of phone range, means that never again will you miss an important message.

Bluetooth(tm) Watch MBW-200 collection features:

Bringing together contemporary design and cutting edge Bluetooth(tm) technology

· Reject or mute call through the watch
· Vibrates on new SMS/MMS - and an out of range warning - when 10 m away from your phone
· Discreet yet clear caller ID - OLED display
· Play, pause, stop or skip a track on your phone's music player
· Quartz movements for exact time keeping - both digital and analogue
* Auto pairing(tm) - easier to connect the watch to your phone
· Water resistant up to 3 ATM
· Allergy safe stainless steel
· Mineral crystal scratch resistant face with antiglare coating

The MBW-200 range is available in selected markets in Q4.
Sony Ericsson will also expand the MBW-150 range with yet another design. The MBW-150 Classic is a sporty edition with a brown leather strap and white face that will be available early next year in selected markets.
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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Something on the Google/T-Mobile G1 telephone announcement

Google and T-Mobile and HTC have announced they are all making a mobile telephone together. HTC is doing the plastic, Google is making it work and T-Mobile is posting out the boxes to Argos.

T-Mobile G1

If it has GPS that works without you having to look at it and point it at the sky for five minutes AND you can get one for free, we are IN. Although those fold-out keyboards are usually terrible. And what does HTC know about making good touchscreens?
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Battery art with A FACE #1

Battery art. Taken off some marginally pretentious arthouse Flickr account. We'd like to list each battery individually, but there are sadly a few too many unknowns - and some that can't be identified from the colour of the rim of the positive terminal alone.

Battery art with A FACE #1

Sent in by a "Tyler" who we'd imagine to be an art student.
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Gadgets with CELEBRITY LOOKALIKE FACES #1: An iron that looks like Bender off Futurama

Really hope this wasn't just stolen off another bit of the internet, as it's one of the greatest faces yet. We have converted the original PNG file to a JPEG - that part of the process is at least exclusive to Idiot Toys.

You won't see this (in JPEG format) anywhere else.



"See attached, it's Bender off Futurama in iron form. The image is a .png file, fuck knows what that is. Hope you can see it" - Alex.
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Gadgets with FACES #74: Some sort of light-based communication device

Reader "Neil" discovered this. He found it on a web site that sells special equipment for people with special needs. There is nothing funny about that. Neil is probably a DJ, and found this while searching for a portable lighting solution.



"There's a bit of '1930s animation' in the eyes I think. You know, like this. Cheers" - Neil.
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Monday, September 22, 2008

CANON FASHION WEEK: SELPHY CP750

Here's another batch of what can only be described as BONKERS fashion photos from Canon, designed to sell equipment to less cynical areas of Europe.

CANON FASHION WEEK: SELPHY CP750

The printer also works fine just left on a desk. Or kept round the side of the PC tower. Picking it up and cradling it, while it makes copies of photographs of nextdoor's child, is not necessary.

CANON FASHION WEEK: SELPHY CP750

It is still a small, white, boring square of modern plastics for people to buy and use once every two years to print something out for mum. It is not worthy of this nonsense.
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Inside Sony's child-proof dungeon

The dungeon is based in a small town 25-miles south of the Belgian capital Brussels.



This is some LIFESTYLE photography. It shows that if you put a TV in a locked garage, kids don't mind the lack of light or adult contact. At least, not for the first five years.
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Canon EOS 5D Mark II sample pictures at FULL SIZE

Not ours. Some other man's. He's been out and about in London, taking pictures of things at 5616 x 3744 resolution with a Canon EOS 5D Mark II.

Canon EOS 5D Mark II sample pictures

He didn't take any pictures of women's feet on trains or their bottoms on escalators, so we have no real idea how well the camera holds up under harsh light and when being poked out through a hole in a bag while the user casually looks in the opposite direction.

Canon EOS 5D Mark II sample pictures

This is the best he managed. There's is no "purple fringing" we can see.
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Friday, September 19, 2008

BATTERIES INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE

Can anyone spare 187 euros? It's for a magazine about batteries. It would definitely be worth it.

9V fold-out centre spread

Imagine the amount of material it would contain. One subscription would ensure the existence of Idiot Toys for ONE THOUSAND YEARS.
I enclose details of our Batteries International Magazine.

Batteries International is an annual subscription package which consists of 4 issues that are released quarterly in January, April, July and October. Batteries International is the definitive source of regular news, views technical updates and in-depth analysis for the key players in todays battery market.

Batteries International provides you with an essential source of information, critical to keeping abreast of modern developments in your industry. You can rely on Batteries International's unbeatable combination of editorial resources to provide you with the most crucial tool of all -- Information

All areas in the Battery Industry are covered including Makers, Distributors, Suppliers, Manufacturers, Producers, Recyclers, Customers and End Users. Technical articles and the latest in product and service information providing the depth of coverage you Need to make the right calls for your business.

Full commentaries and coverage of all the large industry conferences and conventions to ensure you dont miss out on what is happening. Without a reliable source of regular news and industry information it is easy to fall behind the competition.

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Static non-powered object with FACES #12: A condom machine in Hull

Not a very good face, but the audacity and selfless dedication of taking a photograph of a condom machine in a pub toilet - while in a Northern town for extra menace - has to be rewarded.



"If taps count, surely this counts as well. I'd gone for a piss in a pub toilet in Hull, and it was THERE, just staring at me, mocking my genitals. Apologies for the image quality, it was taken on my phone and I'd 'had a few' (this may also explain why I took a photo of a condom machine in a public toilet to send into a website) - P."
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If you're so VERY SERIOUS about the internet that being denied the opportunity to change your Facebook status to something wacky like "is having a man stand a bit too close to me" while having your haircut seems like torture, here's the answer.

'Yeah, just pull the fringe down over one eye'

Who would want hair all over their laptop? One single hair on the keyboard is enough to have us breaking out the wet wipes in a hygiene/germs panic.
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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Structural building components with faces

Got sent this. Like it. It may have been considered a cutting-edge technological innovation when it was originally bolted in place in 1887, so therefore COUNTS.

1960s Frankie Howerd

"I was in a bar the other week and noticed this peering back at me. Is the expression one of joy at the removal of the RSJ that until recently was sitting on its head? Or a look of horror because of the people populating the place? Who knows, or frankly cares?" - Mike.

iPHONE IMPLICATED IN POOR PHOTO
"Apologies for the appalling picture quality - it was taken indoors on my iPhone, so what else would you expect?"
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Apple reaches astonishing new grammar low

Right. This is IT. This is DEFINITELY IT. They want a war, THEY GOT A FUCKING WAR. This is very, very, very poor form indeed. Your SoCal speak may well be acceptable in San Francisco press conferences full of whooping bloggers all excited by the free coffee, but please, keep it out of your official UK marketing materials.

Funnest :(

Funnest? FUNNEST? Honestly, a line has been crossed. Rules of engagement broken. This is IT, Apple. This is DIRTY WAR. The WARREST war of all time.
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Poolside Pong

On the dark side there is the Gaming Table. On the light side there is Poolside Pong. Together, these two opposing forces keep the world turning.



The official web site has a gallery, which links to a Flickr page featuring fan submissions. The fan submissions aren't as good or as explicit as you may be hoping, but it will still keep you busy until home time.



Sent in by Matt, who quite rightly pointed out that we can't not use pictures like this when they come along.



Here's another one. We are going to get in trouble over this update, so we may as well get in trouble properly.
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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

WOMAN. LIFESTYLE. H710. MOTOROLA.

There's still a vast, untouched reserve of Motorola LIFESTYLE images featuring people at pretty much life sized resolutions, sitting in a folder, waiting to be unleashed onto an unwanting internet. Here is one.

I CN C U WLKING DWN RD. WTCH UR BCK BTCH

The Bluetooth headset was added in post production. The lighting's all wrong. It wouldn't even have fooled people back in the 1990s. The text message reads DID U GT FLWRS? She won't bother replying. She is cool like that.
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Gadgets with FACES #73: An Emerson IP500BK

We are cheating by using an iPod dock.



Angry 1950s grandma?
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The Pro Gaming Table :(

This is apparently a "sleek" and "versatile" solution. A solution to the problem of what you're going to spend all your money on, seeing as you never go out or eat anything other than rice and baked beans.

The Pro Gaming Table

The MD bought in his Dell widescreen TV. That model was discontinued after about four months, if memory serves. The monitor on the left is the sales director's. The one on the right is the receptionist's. She can't do any work at the moment, but doesn't mind about that!
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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Gadgets with FACES #72: A plug adaptor taking it in all available holes

Also an entry in the occasional series "Gadgets which look like they're having sex."



"Thought you might like this. It's an electric socket adaptor with plugs in it, and the result looks like some kind of bird that having a really good time. Cheers, Frederik."
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Two of these children suspect something is wrong

Pictured here is the precise moment two children "come of age" and start to suspect that the motives of adults aren't always 100% trustworthy.



Can you see it? There's a look. A look in their eyes. For the first time, they are questioning the adult world.



There. Good to see cynicism and mistrust emerging earlier and earlier in children these days.
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*Jingle* Aspirational Mac user photograph of the Weeeek

This isn't an Apple photograph. It's from a company that makes Mac software and that wants to be associated with the Mac lifestyle.



The Mac lifestyle is sitting in public places and hoping that people see you using your Mac.
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Monday, September 15, 2008

LG taken into custody for its own protection

No idea. The site was in foreign. The photo tells us nothing.



Are they dressed like chess kings? The LG 070 comes with SuperChess pre-loaded? And those girls are teenage Korean chess champions? That is but one possibility.
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Delphi Digital models in "way too attractive" shock

Delphi Digital makes a product that keeps personal information all in one place. It is supposed to be safer, so that when your child falls off a bicycle and impales itself on a fence the nurse has all its medical details in one place.

To illustrate this innovation, Delphi hired four up-and-coming young models that IN NO WAY illustrate today's teenagers.



You may also notice we have recently gained access to an extremely hardcore medical technology news and photography source. Idiot Toys will soon be world renowned as THE place to come for medical equipment lifestyle photography.
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POSSIBLE NEXT NEW CAMERA: Panasonic Lumix DMC-G1

It is a bit "lifestyle" and it is also a bit "for the ladies" but, sadly, it is also the sort of vague compromise between digital camera and going "all out" for a proper SLR that people like us are likely to plump for anyway.

Panasonic Lumix DMC-G1

It also lets us feature a high resolution image of a lady's fingers rotating the end.
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Friday, September 12, 2008

Bruker Introduces HyperQuant, a Unique Bench-Top NMR Reader to Quantify Hyperpolarization

"At the 2008 World Molecular Imaging Congress (for details, see www.wmicmeeting.org), Bruker BioSpin introduces HyperQuant, a bench-top NMR reader for precisely quantifying both the magnetic hyperpolarization as well as the thermal polarization of a sample. The HyperQuant applies time-domain nuclear magnetic resonance (TD-NMR) spectroscopy, a technology similar to magnetic resonance imaging (MRI)."



We're holding out for the slightly smaller Bubblegum Pink model that was leaked to the internet last week.
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Things We Will Be Trying To Blag One Of For Free Today: A 32GB SanDisk Extreme III CF card

"Dear Mr SanDisk Man, I am the very important web master of a widely-read gadgets blog (I forget the URL right now) and would like to do a review of your 32GB SanDisk Extreme III CF card. Please can you put one, or preferably six, in an envelope and send them out? Thanks."

A 32GB SanDisk Extreme III CF card

"If you have any high-resolution photographs of women holding them or just standing anywhere in the vicinity of them, or even just of various women in your office taken surreptitiously and without their consent or knowledge, please forward them to me ASAP as well. Thank you."
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Apple invents "colour" system for iPod Nano

Apple has revealed its latest invention - colour. A clever visual way to differentiate things from similar things, the new colour system gives each item a unique look.



The iPod Nano is also rectangular - another Apple first.

OTHER THINGS APPLE HAS TAKEN CREDIT FOR INVENTING RECENTLY:
  • The internet
  • 3G networks
  • Mobile phones
  • Music
  • Laptops
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    Thursday, September 11, 2008

    Aspirational foreign LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY with Sony's a900 DSLR

    Two very lucky 30-something models got whisked off to Borneo to pose like they're mature students on a gap-year break to visit some tribes. It will certainly make them appreciate how lucky they are.

    Sony's a900 DSLR

    She introduced the flu virus to the M'Kele people. They all died.

    Sony's a900 DSLR

    He introduced the cold sore virus to Chief Na Na Hayah's daughter. His testicle bag is currently sitting out in the sun to dry. Once it has dried, Chief Na Na Hayah will use it to put his brand new Nokia 3310 in so the screen doesn't get scratched.
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    The HP Vivienne Tam Special Edition notebook

    More "fashion" gadget photography! This time of ladies from behind. Learn from this, Microsoft.

    Some HP notebook with flowers on it

    "When I was approached by HP to create a special edition notebook, I could see the design in my head instantly," said Tam. "The notebook is a true reflection of the needs of a modern woman who cares about fashion but is also passionate about her technology. I wanted to create a notebook that would appeal to women of all ages, ethnicities and income levels across the globe."

    Some HP notebook with flowers on it

    Yes, well done. You've doodled some flowers on its case.
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    Bags with FACES #3: A bag

    This is the second or perhaps even third bag we have featured that has a face. Hopefully this won't become a trend. It is from here. Please do not look out for more bags with faces.

    'And then Margaret said 'Well stuff him and his council committee''

    "If Bilal can send in pics of 'gadgets' (bags) with faces on, then so can I!" - Ian F.
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    Wednesday, September 10, 2008

    Medion teaches us that white things are not automatically cool things

    It's the Medion PC P6867. It is white. It is not all right.

    Medion PC P6867

    There now follows the press release. See how they brazenly use the words "stylish" and "contemporary," clearly forgetting that they also sent out an image that MASSIVELY CONTRADICTS those terms by making it look like a fridge sitting next to a Hinari Lifestyle HDTV.

    Medion's white, dual-core lifestyle PC with 22" monitor available online

    Medion, a leading consumer electronics vendor, today reveals a white lifestyle PC bundle available exclusively online from www.medionshop.co.uk. With its stylish white case and matching peripherals including a 22-inch widescreen LCD TFT monitor, the Medion PC P6867 is an attractive and contemporary computer with generous, high-end specifications. The modern design will complement any room in the house with its blend of sleek looks and powerful functionality. It is on sale now priced at £499.99 including VAT.

    The clean lines of Medion's white PC contain a wealth of high-end features to satisfy all home computing requirements. Based on an 2.0GHz Intel Pentium dual-core E2180 processor, the Medion PC P6867 enables users to undertake multimedia tasks quickly and efficiently with the power of its NVIDIA GeForce 8600GS graphics card and 3GB RAM. The 320GB hard drive provides plenty of storage for family photos and home videos.

    For maximum enjoyment of favourite pictures and films, Medion's white PC P6867 comes with a 22-inch widescreen LCD TFT monitor offering a resolution of 1,680 x 1,050 pixels. The comprehensive audio-visual experience is supported by a dual-layer DVD player and re-writer, eight-channel audio and two built-in loudspeakers. A keyboard and optical mouse are also included.

    Bundled software
    Medion's white PC P6867 is supplied with Windows Vista Home Premium Edition, Microsoft Works 9.0 and Microsoft Office Home and Student 2007 trial edition (60-day test version). Also included are Nero Burning ROM Essentials 8.0, AOL preinstalled, BullGuard Internet Security Pack with 90 days' free updates and Symantec System Recovery.

    Availability and pricing
    Medion's P6867 lifestyle PC is available to buy now from www.medionshop.co.uk, priced at £499.99 including VAT. It comes with a 12-month manufacturer's warranty.
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    BREAKING NEWS: Fashion and technology have collided!

    Microsoft says so. Sadly, no fashion models have been used for promotional photograph purposes. We have looked quite thoroughly. If you see any about, please mail them in.

    Microsoft Arc awkward mouse

    Looks like the least-usable mouse since that round torture device Apple shipped with the iMac all those years ago. Finally, a win for Microsoft!

    Microsoft Arc Mouse: Where Fashion and Technology Collide

    LONDON - 9 September 2008 - Microsoft Corp. today raised the style stakes with the unveiling of a revolutionary crescent-moon-shaped mouse designed to be just as fashionable as it is functional - the Arc Mouse. With its unique foldable design, Arc reduces by almost half for portability when it is snapped shut, but provides complete comfort when opened to its full size. Microsoft today also introduced the Wireless Mobile Mouse 3000, a notebook mouse with two colour offerings at an affordable price, based on the design of the No. 1 best-selling notebook mouse in the U.S.

    Fashion Meets PC - What to Wear
    The Arc Mouse allows consumers to flaunt their personal style with its sleek, thin crescent shape. It is truly an accessory, adding to the fashion PC trend that is taking the technology industry by storm. In a June 2007 report, "The Age of Style in Consumer PCs," Forrester Research Inc. predicted that between now and 2012 will be the "age of style" with consumer choice and personalization becoming an important factor in a purchase decision. With a high demand for style, consumers value look and feel more than any other product features.

    High Performance and Style in a Snap
    The Arc Mouse's elegant, foldable shape allows it to easily slip into any bag while on the go, and expand to a comfortable full size while in use. Its micro transceiver quickly snaps into the bottom of the mouse using a magnet, and is so small it sticks out less than one centimetre while plugged in - there is no need to remove it from a laptop while travelling.

    The Arc Mouse features high-end details in every aspect of its design - its strong metal hinge can be opened and closed with confidence, and testing shows that its sturdy shape can hold more than 25 pounds. With the following performance features, Arc Mouse is top in its class:

    · Battery life indicator shows two colors: green when the batteries have sufficient power and red when the batteries are running low.

    · 2.4GHz wireless technology gives consumers a confident wireless connection and a range of up to 30 feet, even in crowded wireless environments.

    · Carrying case is included and uses a magnetic flap to easily snap shut and protect the mouse while on the go.

    · High-performance laser tracking offers smooth tracking and excellent responsiveness and precision.

    "Arc is clean and modern, and what is even more exciting is the way it addresses real needs. It's very comfortable while open, and when you snap it shut you are reassured that it's off. If you need to make a quick exit, the collapsed form is a natural," said Monique Chatterjee, user experience designer at Microsoft. "Everyone loves to play with Arc. They snap it open and closed, and even spin it on its back. As a designer, it's really inspiring to make that kind of emotional connection with people."

    The No. 1 Best-Selling Notebook Mouse Gets a Face-Lift
    The Wireless Mobile Mouse 3000 delivers comfort on the go with an ambidextrous shape designed by Microsoft's in-house ergonomist for comfort in either hand, and a snap-in receiver so consumers can take the mouse anywhere. This modern mouse is based on the design of the No. 1 best-selling notebook mouse in the U.S.1 and includes 2 colour offerings so consumers can pick their favorite between black and white.

    These glimmering mice also come equipped with High Definition Optical Technology and a snap-in receiver that helps conserve battery life as it turns off the power when snapped into the bottom of the mouse. Delivering an average of more than six months of battery life3 with one AA battery, this mouse reduces inconvenient work stoppages required to replace batteries or recharge. In addition, the mouse features a two-color battery life indicator: green when the batteries have sufficient power and red when the batteries are running low - all this and no software needed. With all these features wrapped into a sleek design, who knew productivity could look so good?

    Pricing and Availability
    The Arc Mouse in black and the Wireless Mobile Mouse 3000 in black and white will be widely available in September 2008 for an estimated retail price of £49.99 and £29.99 respectively.4 The products will be backed by a worldwide three-year limited hardware warranty from Microsoft Corp. More information about these and other Microsoft Hardware products can be found at http://www.microsoft.com/uk/hardware.
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    What happens when you put "waterproof" into Google Images?

    Just on the offchance that something good might come up?



    This comes up. A 5940 x 5886 image of a waterproof "cast protector" so that, after you've broken your wrist/ankle doing sports, you can get straight back out there and do more sports. Because pain barriers are for losers. As is healing straight.

    It's manufactured by Dry Corp, which also makes waterproof prosthetic limb protectors. You won't find a narrower niche than that today, unless there's waterproof prosthetic limb protector pornography out there somewhere.

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    Tuesday, September 09, 2008

    Gadgets with FACES #71: Yet another car dashboard

    Just make sure you're all paying attention to the road. We could do without being implicated in a series of bizarre road deaths. You can only get associated with a series of bizarre deaths so many times before one of them sticks.



    "I think this one speaks for itself. The eyes can be moved the tongue can be pushed inside the mouth and the nose can flash red. Not to mention that in the dark its cheeks glow rosy red."
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    Woman finds washing machines great company

    She is called Kelly Ripa. She is famous somewhere else. So famous, that when Electrolux launched its Premier Laundry Collection, Kelly was the #1 choice to stand near it.

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    We need some familiar objects in the scene to get a sense of scale here.

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    She could be a midget, or that could be a washing machine for doing mattresses. It's too early to tell.

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    Wouldn't it be awesome if she got in it?

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    She's going to get in it. SHE'S GOING TO GET IN IT!!

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    Go on! Do it! GET IN!

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    IN! IN! IN! IN! IN! IN! IN! Do it, you fucking tease.

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    Sadly, it would appear that an Electrolux employee warned her off getting in at the last minute. It would send out a bad message. Children might get in washing machines and Electrolux would be in trouble and associated with cases of extreme dizziness - and maybe worse.

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    Perhaps she never intended to get in it and was simply joking?

    Kelly Ripa with her washing machine friends

    We need an audio feed of this crucial moment.
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    *Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

    Something Sony has invented called a "Bio Battery." It will be more expensive than regular batteries. It will only become popular with AV enthusiasts.



    You have to click on it to see her at full size. It's mesmerising. Her skin. It would tear so easily.
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    Monday, September 08, 2008

    Mono will do, thanks

    Mono, through the speaker on the side. It's what the director of Space 1999 originally intended. Anything other than having to try and understand any of this.

    A Sony STR-DA5400ES, from behind

    Bottom-right is the power connector. That'll make the blue light on the front glow so it looks expensive. We have passed through the technological era and emerged the other side. This sort of thing is now for other people.
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    Gadgets with FACES #70: Something to do with electricity generation

    Hopefully we have at least one reader who works/worked for a major electricity utility company and can explain what this robotic device is and does.

    We'd particularly like to know what feature lies behind its nose - a feature so DEADLY it has to be locked away.



    "...now evolving rudimentary legs. It's some kind of generator guardian, I think. As I took the photo it asked if I knew Sarah Connor. I'm fairly certain its hollow eyes can see into your mind. Its flimsy wooden prison won't contain it for long. Love from Willbot."
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    1st Annual Idiot Toys Amateur Holding Championships, round 1: Californian man

    We're hoping this will open some floodgates. Or at least some trickle gates. Your amateur holds are now required, please. You only have a 640x480 photo of an American in pyjamas to beat.



    "I am one of your few and precious American readers, and here in southern California, I have recently had the opportunity to do some professionally thing-holding for my company, (name courteously withheld). Attached is a picture of said thing-holding, please rate and advise. I was going for an easy Preczbyk single-hand hold, but the unit was heavy and it ended up looking more like a vintage Li 'King' Korematsu! Thanks! - Man from California wearing sandals and flannel shirt at work."
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    Friday, September 05, 2008

    CELEBRITY HOLDING: Top model Lily Cole having a go on a Sony Reader

    Has a surprisingly hairy face for a woman that's apparently in so much demand for photographic work.

    Lily Cole having a go on a Sony Reader

    She's almost got a ginger goatee going on. We can only guess at the amount of Clone Tool work that must be going on in the Vogue office.

    PREVIOUS CELEBRITY HOLDS:
  • Some girl band.
  • Usher.
  • "Superstar" DJ Paul Van Dyk.
  • Goldie Hawn.
  • Beyonce and that woman out of Texas.
  • Elisha Cuthbert and Samuel L. Jackson.
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    Sony's latest DEATH TRAP SHAME - TZ Vaio series recalled

    Vaio laptops catch on fire. It's the truth. You'll DIE if left alone in a room with one, or at least only make it out with half a face and no hair left on your entire body. Pass it on. Tell everyone, use the internet if you have to. Just make sure everyone knows. Here's a link to the BBC. Use that. People trust the BBC. DO NOT LINK HERE or no one will believe you.

    Here's a fantastic high-resolution of a woman's soon-to-be burned off hands, knees and upper chest we found while "researching" this piece. At least some good came of Sony's latest PR disaster.

    Sony Vaio TZ in fetching Charred Remains Black

    The Sony Vaio TZ is available in fetching Charred Remains Black.
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    Static non-powered objects with FACES #11: A pre-drugs Amy Winehouse with Ruffles, her faithful guitar

    The guitar is happy and innocent, wide-eyed and full of the joys of being famous! Why, just yesterday, an assistant gave him a good old polish, going all the way up and down his shaft numerous times - and evening tightening the nuts at the end!

    A pre-drugs Amy Winehouse with Ruffles, her faithful guitar

    Imagine it now. Rusty and bent. Sad and scratched to buggery, sitting in the window of Guitar Exchange after it was given to a tramp in exchange for low-grade drugs.
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    Thursday, September 04, 2008

    Gadgets with FACES #69: Sony Xross fade DJ thing for pretend DJs

    Has two faces.

    Sony Xross Fade Tosspot Entertainmet Device

    Shy speaker (left) and an extremely well defined dog on the right. It just loves having its nose twiddled while you switch from a Chemical Brothers track to that famous one by Groove Armada while balancing your heaphones on one ear. In your own lounge. To an audience consisting entirely of your chair-bound nan, who isn't entirely sure what big beat even is.
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    The Interstate MEGA-TRON II

    The original MEGA-TRON was neutralised by its arch nemesis, FROSTY MORNING. Now new and improved MEGA-TRON is BACK!

    Interstate MEGA-TRON II

    "In my wife's van I found the leader of the next sleeper cell (cell, get it?) ready to spring into action and destroy us all! Behold, MEGA-TRON II!" - Botrax.

    Interstate MEGA-TRON II

    Slightly better than the similar-sounding second MEGATON, but not quite as good as the first MEGATON. That will probably never be beaten.

    2Unlimited reference, anyone?

    Maker Interstate sadly does not do MEGA-TRON-branded batteries in regular AA size, although it does do a pretty fine-looking WORKAHOLIC. What a great procedural box-removal illustration, too.
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    Calm down, guys, it's only a monitor

    The "tech blog" scene has definitely reached saturation point. That's just a cheap ViewSonic in what looks like 4:3 format, and look at them. Like dogs round a sausage. Like cats round cream. Like women round a family sized bag of Maltesers that's already been opened so no one's going to notice if a few more go missing.

    'Get one of the connectors, Ethan. ONE OF THE CONNECTORS!'

    We need to get a new niche. Being marginally associated with this sort of public soggy biscuit game is not pleasant.
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    Wednesday, September 03, 2008

    OLD REMOTE: Something from Pioneer and a dangerously warped FDL Novel 2300

    The remote's only a 4/10 at best, reminiscent of numerous cheap AV solutions from the 1990s. But the batteries are previously unseen gems. And they're red. Sexy red. And warped. Press 'Page Down' to get there quicker.



    "It not only leans slightly, it's also out of focus and yes - that is my reflection too!"



    "I love the text on the bottom File/Type CD Player - as if you could open JPEGs with it too! I never have understood the red thing on power buttons on remotes - is this a 'USER TOO STUPID' warning?"



    "Thirdly and yes, my proudest moment was the batteries! How happy, nay, elated was I to find two beautiful batteries still in their original shrink wrap (yet flat!) and one... with a DINT!"



    "FDK Corporation obviously gets around a bit - Tokyo, and Indonesia. A quick search on the Internet and we find their page. The most shocking discovery yet... A Pioneer product with Fujitsu batteries!"



    "Moody harsh light shot ... displaying the urban DINT effect."



    "But, let us put aside such tomfoolery and in true Idiot Toys fashion, I present the MOODY solitary stance of the battery versus... well... my TV cabinet, actually. Some respect for an injured soul... now consigned to the battery recycling box!"
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    Google Chrome - a review

    It works, but there doesn't seem to be any point. The Help file doesn't mention any point, and there's no Point section on the download page. Can anyone clarify the point of it?

    Google Chrome - reviewed

    Maybe we're just a bit old to go learning slightly new buttons for things. 6/10.

    HOW GOOGLE DESCRIBES CHROME'S "INCOGNITO MODE"
    Incognito mode is where Chrome doesn't save pages you've visited to the browser's history. It is mainly so that dad can look at photos of Olivia Newton-John without mum finding out. Or, it is...
    "For times when you want to browse in stealth mode, for example, to plan surprises like gifts or birthdays, Google Chrome offers the incognito browsing mode. Webpages that you open and files downloaded while you are incognito won't be logged in your browsing and download histories; all new cookies are deleted after you close the incognito window. You can browse normally and in incognito mode at the same time by using separate windows."
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    *Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

    It's for dog food. Dog food so tasty that humans can't resist picking up a spoon and diving right in too.



    If you're going to do it, at least do it properly - smear it all over your genitals and get a German film crew in.
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    Tuesday, September 02, 2008

    Introducing... Intel's Pat Gelsinger

    Pat didn't even start professional product holding until he turned 30, but look at him now!

    Intel's Pat Gelsinger, die-shrink division

    A man. Traces of ginger. A beard. All elements from the never-never list. It shouldn't work. But, somehow, it all comes together. It must be that tired-on-the-inside glint in his eye.

    Intel's Pat Gelsinger, die-shrink division

    Left hand: Wedding ring. Right hand: The Intel Press Room Ring, handed out to all staff when they have their first high-resolution photograph hosted on the Intel Press Room. Only 27 are known to exist.
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    The non-durable DURABATT

    We're sure we've featured a Durabatt before, but Google and Blogger both seem to think we haven't. And they never lie. So here they are.



    "The Durabatts even come with the battery charge thing that tells you how much power is left in them, but unfortunately that's just printed on the sleeve and doesn't actually work."



    "And the batteries aren't even straight! Although the one that I stripped has a vague face on it, so plus points for that."



    "The second should link to all of the Durabatt's and a minimalist Mitsubishi one" - Brooza.



    Yes, it did. Thanks. The fantastic Durabatts are the product of Ningbo Dymax Co. Ltd, which happily informs us "Most of our products have passed ROHS certification." Just most. Not all. Covering most safety laws is all you need to do to satisfy Chinese authorities.
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    Monday, September 01, 2008

    Static non-powered objects with FACES #10: Bilal's brother's cables and electrics bag

    King Bilal has returned to reclaim his crown as the only person who gives a toss about the quality of what gets uploaded on this shitbag of a blog any more.

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    "My big brother left for Turkey this morning for a year (something about his PhD, but most likely it's to do with kebabs. Regardless, you can probably kiss goodbye to any future eleictricty porablems if he starts teaching English there) and left me a bag of 'electronics, seeing as you're the electronics guy. I figured you'd like this kind of stuff'."



    "The bag contained two Nokia USB cables and one of those BT screw-in microfilter sockets. I'm not making this up. In return, I've got his car, so I'm not sour. Not one bit. Domestic interactions aside, while attempting to work out the logistics behind sneaking a few heavy bedsheets and pillowcases into his daughter's travel cot (to take away valuable weight for the suitcases. Still not making this up) I noticed a gruesome, ghostly face staring back at me when I reached for the travel cot cover. It's all rather Mario World-esque in appearance, but don't let that put you off, as closer examination reveals each eye to be a side-on silhouette! Better yet, the silhouettes are facing each other!"



    "But wait! I'd even go so far as to claim this static, non-powered object sports not only a face, nor even three faces, but an ENTIRE SCENE. Assuming the mouth looks like a table, the face becomes two old men having a game of chess! Alternatively, it could possibly be misconstrued as two old men shagging a headless woman, but no-one in their right mind would think that."

    "Remember, that's two old men playing chess. Not the other thing I mentioned. Not even if you tilt your head sideways. It won't work. Actually, if you rotate it 90 degrees and change the table into a leg... Regards, Bilal Sheikh."

    CRITICISMS
    Thanks, Bilal, but for the first time your text-to-photos ratio is way off. Admittedly there's only so much you can do with a bag, but perhaps an additional photo of the contents could've been used to further break up the lengthy paragraphs? Regardless, this remains a quality submission - 7.5/10.
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    Tension exists between Miss IFA and Dagmar Wöhrl

    More Miss IFA photos from that German trade show. Dagmar Wöhrl, as you well know, is the German Parliamentary State Secretary of the Federal Ministry of Economics and Technology. She's the older blonde lady. "MILF" seems such a disrespectful phrase to use to describe a government minister.

    She doesn't like Miss IFA as much as us.

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    Dagmar is not happy about the presence of Miss IFA at all. She wants to hang with the suits and talk business, not talk about shoes with the hired whore.

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    She can't even look at Miss IFA.

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    She HATES Miss IFA!

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    She is doing everything in her power to ignore Miss IFA and avoid being associated with the whole charade in the coverage.

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    "Get your FUCKING claws out of my FUCKING arm, you FUCKING SLUT" Dagmar may be thinking, in lots of very long German words, at this very moment. For example.

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    Miss IFA is trying to make the best of it, though, by smiling and pretending the tension isn't sticking to her skin. She needs to get more work after this. IFA only comes around once a year, so it's not possible to be Miss IFA on a professional full-time basis.

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    OFFICIAL CAPTION: Opening Round Tour - Deutsche Telekom AG. Dagmar Wöhrl, Parliamentary State Secretary, Federal Ministry of Economics and Technology; Dr. Christian Illek, Group Executive Manager Marketing; Klaus Wowereit, Governing Major of Berlin; Miss IFA (l.t.r.)

    Miss IFA sexy catfight

    UNOFFICIAL CAPTION: Dagmar Wöhrl fantasises about catching her husband in bed with Miss IFA. She runs downstairs in a panic, gets the breadknife and kills them both, laughing. The judge lets her off as it was just in the heat of the moment and everything of his was left to her in the will. Then she remarries to - Brad Pitt!

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    She's looking past and into the distance.

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    Past, into the distance. Pretend that BITCH isn't there.

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    "Ha ha! No tea for you, BITCH! You're not important enough to get tea."

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    Bet Miss IFA knows how to work it. Miss IFA probably already has one at home. Miss IFA is the youngest here by 20 years, she'll know how to switch it on AND all the shortcuts.

    Miss IFA sexy catfight

    Nobody will be asking Miss IFA for her opinions regarding trade negotiations and what to do about growing Chinese export dominance and worrying strength of the euro.

    Miss IFA sexy catfight

    But on the plus side, none of those businessmen will be thinking about Dagmar when they haul their tired, pasty bodies into the hotel bath tonight and reach for the soap. Swings and roundabouts.
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