Miss Russian Army

The Russian Federation Ministry of Defence has a rather fantastic web site. It has image galleries galore. Image galleries which contain an entry listed as the Miss Russian Army Beauty Contest. The photos were taken on a camera, which is a gadget, in case you were wondering.



Some of those shoes are a bit rude to be army issue.



One of the girls forgot to bring her proper boots in.



Hats off for the Hair Round.



Cap on backwards for binocular use.



Cap on forwards for rifle use.



If we had to get gunned down, it'd be best this way.



We're not experts on eye shadow, but we've picked up enough to know that's not the way to go about it.



She's winking at you. She likes you.



Happy Friday.

SONY batteries and INCOMPETENCE and FIRE linked again

Sony has issued another death notice regarding its burning laptop batteries, this time demanding that 100,000 be returned due to problems relating to BURNING PEOPLE.

Here is a link to the news.

The news.

Here is an unrelated image pulled off Page 2 of a Google Image Search for "house fire."



If people had their faces on the laptop battery at the time of the fire, their faces could have been BURNED OFF.

The extremely minimal Askul Alkaline

A suspiciously well-styled photo leads us to suspect this has been stolen off the internet, rather than shot with the finder's N95 in his kitchen. The Japanese-only danger text presumably infers this battery is strictly for use within the country.



"Check out this beauty. What this battery lacks in Eastern European or Bolivian charm it more than makes up for in stylish, minimal Japanese-ness." - Alex.

Gadgets with FACES #88: A Kenwood Prodino

Fully compartmentalised and removable nose. Eyes behind bars.



It's not a very good one, but it's quite entertaining if you stare at it for a while.

Exemplary fingerwork

Take a look at this guy. His fingering is unbelievable.



He's doing it under laboratory conditions, though. It'll be much harder when he's holding a proper item and surrounded by the glare of 1000 flashing cameras and the distraction of alluring display females in NVIDIA body paint.



Just the lightest touch. The fingers are mainly there for front support, leaving 99.9% of the surface area visible.

LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY of WOMEN while they SLEEP

We're thinking that promotional photos of WOMEN in BED ought to be the next big thing we push out onto an unwanting internet. We have taken the liberty of assuming you would all be OK with that and sourced the following.



Slip the MemoryCleanse(TM) Retrospective Discreet Firewall on her while she sleeps and she'll awake with no recollection of having spent the previous evening looking through your internet search term history in horror then crying herself to sleep.



Next morning she'll be in a great mood and bringing you tea.

THE TRUTH IS WORSE

TMJ Pain & Teeth Grinding on the Rise Amid Economic and Election Stress

Rise in Biofeedback Headband Sales Shows Impact of Election and Economy

BOSTON--(BUSINESS WIRE)--More than 3 million Americans suffer pain every day from teeth grinding and clenching (bruxism), and the recent worries about the election and the economy seem to be exacerbating the problem. Data from the makers of the SleepGuard(tm) biofeedback headband, which helps free people from TMJ pain, shows a dramatic increase in sales resulting from increased stress.

Lee Weinstein, CEO of Holistic Technologies stated, "We were surprised to find that SleepGuard(tm) sales have increased 50% over the past two months. We found that the trend is largely based on increased anxiety about the economy as well as the pending Presidential election."

The patented SleepGuard(tm) device reduces TMJ pain by helping people learn to subconsciously keep a relaxed jaw during sleep. While many people find that mouth guards protect their teeth but are not effective in reducing clenching and pain, the SleepGuard(tm) biofeedback headband helps people eliminate the source of the problem - the underlying habit of clenching and grinding.

Weinstein added, "We find it ironic that while people are grinding more due to anxiety over their finances, the cost of typical TMJ solutions only creates more worry. That's part of the reason that SleepGuard(tm) has been so successful even during the economic downturn."

TMJ sufferers and grinders have been getting the short end of the stick for years, often trying many expensive options without finding a solution. Even many non-grinders clench occasionally while sleeping, and for people who don't have dental healthcare coverage, one bad round of nighttime clenching could lead to a cracked tooth and unexpected dental bills in the thousands. The SleepGuard unit can be purchased for less than half the $500 typical cost of a dentist-made mouth guard.

Holistic Technologies offers a free 3-week trial of the SleepGuard(tm) headband through the web site www.StopGrinding.com.

Research shows that bruxism increases dramatically with stress. The SleepGuard headband offers a simple, affordable option to help reduce or eliminate jaw pain, worn teeth, migraines and other painful and distressing maladies that often result from nighttime teeth grinding. "While SleepGuard won't stop the decline in your retirement funds, you can sleep a little easier and wake without pain," added Weinstein.

Static non-powered objects with FACES #18: Some modern art

Sent in by a man who's email address doesn't resemble anything like a proper name and even has numbers in it.



"This is a multiple smiley face sculpture I saw in the Grizedale Forest. Looks confident and perky despite being stuck on top of a bloody wet hill in Westmorland. It really was at that angle, as may be evinced by a brief perusal of the surrounding vegetation" - Man With Incomprehensible Email "Handle."

Bolivian battery special, featuring the LivCat

Bloody hell. We're still a bit excited about the idea of the Lithuanian people having batteries - now here is NOT ONE but TWO batteries from whatever part of the world Bolivia is in.



"Attached are some batteries from Bolivia. One of which I found in the jungle. Coincidently, the battery actually has a little tree pictured on it" - Alan.



Lovely Duracell-with-a-twist styling. You'd expect a battery called "LivCat" to feature a cat. But no. They are cleverer than that.



A big battery made to look HUGE by the camera angle.



Even Bolivia has surrendered to cheap Chinese imports.

Gadgets with FACES #87: A Thermaltake DH102 HTPC

HTPC stands for Home Theatre PC. The idea is that you buy a small PC to put by your TV and watch downloaded films on it, leaving your main PC free for your girlfriend to install viruses on while you're watching a 720p rip of Apocalypse Now Redux.



The eyes are fans. The blue thing is its hand. It can reach around and turn itself off after a user-defined period of inactivity. A man called "Neil" found this here.

Bizarre Promotional Scenario of the Week

Here's Belfast inhabitant "Captain Cleanup" encouraging a monster and a 35-year-old schoolgirl to keep the city tidy.



We doubt it's "monsters" and "schoolgirls" generating the majority of the city's waste. Captain Cleanup needs to sort out all the syringes down in Woodvale before tackling the easy targets.

Belfast's caped crusader declares war on litter

Belfast's infamous superhero is swooping back to primary schools this spring in a renewed effort to drive home the council`s anti-litter message.

Caped crusader, Captain Cleanup, has decided to bring back his popular roadshow following the huge success of last year's tour round 30 Belfast primary schools – and he'll be arriving in style in his very own Cleanup Mobile.

Captain Cleanup, the award-winning driving force behind Belfast City Council's 'Don't drop it – stop it!' anti-litter campaign, will bring his interactive pantomime to schools once again, having declared outright war on arch-nemesis, General Grime and his litterbugs.

Councillor Cathal Mullaghan, chairman of the council's Health and Environmental Services Committee, said:

"We had very positive feedback from pupils who took part in the roadshow last year and due to phenomenal demand, Belfast's very own caped crusader will be making a welcome return to schools to promote our anti-litter campaign. There will also be a few new characters making their roadshow debut.

"The aim of the roadshow is to encourage the adults of tomorrow to take a pride in their city and change young people's attitudes towards littering generally. It is a serious message but the pupils have a lot of fun taking part."

Belfast City Council has an ongoing schools programme and its anti-litter education packs have notched up national awards.

The roadshow will visit primary schools across the city during the coming weeks.

EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Google using proper words for its word verification system

Twice in the last week we have received evidence of proper words being used in Google's Blogger word verification system. We are making the news today. This shock development will be on Engadget in 20 minutes.



Reader "Ken Ken Maximum" was asked to type in the word "JAILOID" when verifying a post he was making under an assumed internet identity. Ken says he spent some time in jail during the early 1990s for drug-related offences and is quite offended by Google's actions.



Meanwhile, poster "Bilal" on down-and-going Idiot Toys spin-off blog UK Resistance was amazingly given "SPERM" as his word verification word. More on this AS IT BREAKS.

Man takes delivery of new 148" Dell monitor

Not sure what game he's playing on it. Looks like one of those RTS things where you're the Russians and some other man on the internet is America.



Every time a number turns red a man in New York collapses from a thrombosis.

What to expect at the new Apple Store in White City

White City is the name of a part of London. Don't be alarmed, international readers, the United Kingdom does not currently operate any sort of apartheid system. And Apple is definitely not endorsing racial cleansing of any sort.



You can expect to see (1) men telling their girlfriends why they need to spend £1499 on a MacBook Pro instead of £499 on a PC of equivalent specification, (2) attractive foreign shop assistants and (3) women using computers because MACS ARE REALLY EASY TO USE AND FUN AND SICK PERVERTS DON'T USE THEM AT ALL.

Scientists attempt to locate nipple

One of them has seen one on the internet. Another one is extrapolating where her nipple should be based on where his own nipple is.



When they find it, they'll take turns at being left alone in the control room.

SUPERIOR photographs of the WONDER battery

We owe the Russian digital camera industry an apology. Higher-resolution and superbly-posed photos of the WONDER have just been supplied by reader and original WONDER-finder "Alex," who says he actually found the WONDER battery "in a small village in Lithuania."



Anyone fancy a group trip to do some East-European battery-tourism?



Battery-hunting during the day, battery inserting during the evening.



EasyJet must go to Lithuania. Probably departing from Stansted or Luton. We could just fly in, buy loads of batteries at the airport shop, then fly back again.



Authentic Russian items!



Battery placed in shaded area, to reduce possible paint fade and chemical explosion.



And finally, here's a 2000x1388 version of last week's original. Job done. Case closed. Bad guy thrown in back of police truck as credits roll. Columbo walks away, smiling, eating a doughnut full of his favourite filling. A bit of the filling drips on his overcoat but he doesn't notice! Lovely work. Thanks, Alex.

CAST & CREW:
Lieutenant Columbo: Peter Falk
Alex: George Hamilton
Idiot: Patrick McGoohan
Alison: Joan Collins
Inspector Williams: OJ Simpson

Samsung's mobile refreshing stations for the busy businessman

They lure you in with the promise of free electricity.



Extras are then charged at standard sex worker rates for the region.

VINTAGE HOLDING: Woman operating a computer in a dangerously casual manner

That's not even the manual - it's a collection of interesting recipes and knitting patterns she's been cutting out of newspapers and magazines.



"Don’t think you’ve had this one before – it's a lovely 1950s lady attempting a one-hand oscillator twirl WHILST READING. She actually looks a bit like the queen if you squint. The gadget is AVIDAC, which apparently is Argonne's first digital computer. I stole it from here." - Kit.

The amazing Russian WONDER battery!

This arrived in the email with no descriptive text and from a Russian email address. There was no photo of the rear, sadly, and it would appear that Russia is losing the 'megapixel race' when it comes to digital cameras.

Still, it's a very nice battery.



Picture taken in the ruins of Chernobyl, by the state of the paintwork.

Olympus takes holding to new depths

An underwater product display! We'd imagine this indicates a level of waterproofing has been incorporated into this camera, unless this is taken from the "Things Not To Do With Your New Olympus Mju" section of the manual.



Makes the face go wonky and puffy. Hair looks like 1950s hair. Nothing like as arousing as you initially imagine. Not going to catch on. 4/10.

LUMIE - remarkably perky for the time of day

Here's a very big photograph of what women are supposed to look like at 6.55am, thanks to an alarm clock-cum-light that beams you awake.



Those pinhole spy cameras generate really good results these days. Hopefully her landlord has also taken a picture of her doing a wee at 7.01am.

Gadgets with FACES #86: Some science thing

Gadgets with FACES isn't as good now we've come to expect bodies and arms. This one does at least seem to have a neck, plus a look of visible distress.



"On a recent trip to the Science Museum I spotted this little fella in the 'Docks and Diving' section. I've attached a pic of the info which explains what he is, something to do with radars and maps or some other nautical shit like that."



"I think he looks a bit like a Disney character. Perhaps from a sequel to Beauty and the Beast that was set on a boat. Do I win a prize for oldest and most educational gadget with a face? - Tom."

DOES TOM WIN A PRIZE?
Tom wins a prize for not realising we never give out prizes.

Static non-powered object with FACES #15, #16, #17 & #18

Got sent these from a student who got a bit over-enthusiastic about the idea of living somewhere other than mum and dad's house.



"I recently moved into my university accommodation, and I was struck by the sheer number of things with faces dotted around the flat! Here are four of the finest, I'll send more as they are discovered. From Ben in Wales."



Wonky 1950s robot. Not bad. Fortunately, the last one is better.



It's some ice cube trays on a sink. This suggests the face was purposely created and therefore shouldn't count. Fortunately, the last one is better.



This saves Ben's entire submission. It is the second sensational ironing board with a face we've featured. There must be something about ironing boards. Everyone needs to investigate their ironing boards tonight and report back tomorrow.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

This one's been issued on behalf of National Stop Running Women Over With Your Car month. Since the campaign first first went public in 2002, 40% less women get run over by cars every year.



So remember, November is National Stop Running Women Over With Your Car month. Be responsible. Women have feelings, as proven by scientists as long ago as 1981.

"Sedentary lifestyle?"

Then put the spring back in your step with Aerowalkers!



Sorry about this. We should've uploaded some sort of warning beforehand. We're not sure if this photo would be better or worse without the tights. It all depends of the state of the toenails.



Possibly the least-exciting video yet uploaded to YouTube.

Bizarre promotional scenario of the week

Who do you think would be ideal spokesmen to address the difficult issue of modern-day knife crime? Who would connect with and speak to urban inner-city youths? Who could get a 15-year-old in Harlesden to rethink their attitude toward carrying a blade?



If you correctly answered "Right Said Fred" you have just scored 10,000,000,000 points.

Eternal popsters Right Said Fred throw their weight behind the Knife Crime Awareness Tour 2009.

* Submitted by: The Junk Label
* Thursday, 16 October 2008

Right Said Fred have long been known for their irreverent pop songs with the tongue in cheek lyrics that you can't help but sing along to – and for years have both delighted and entertained people around the world with their selflessly wicked sense of humour.

But you see a completely different side to the men behind the band when it comes to the social issues affecting teenagers in Britain today.

Genuinely horrified by the statistics that there have been 5,500 serious knife crimes in the UK in just 3 months - and that the worst case projections indicate that 60,000 young people may be stabbed, injured or worse in the next 12 months, Fred says thoughtfully "We were violently attacked on the streets of Moscow while the Police watched with amusement. Coming back home to the UK really made Richard and I appreciate and cherish the relative safety of most of our London streets. Having lived in London since the early 1980's it's only now that we feel a real threat to this relative safety... we must not let knife crime win."

"We are delighted to be involved with the tour and are looking forward to taking the band out to a youth audience."

To request higher resolution images or an interview with the band please contact: info@thejunklabel.com

Sumo and some superb work in the field

This update is dedicated to the hard-working employees of Sumo, who have assembled a quite superb publicity photograph archive of both voyeuristic and with-permission photos of ladies relaxing on and near its products.



This is the Sumo Omni Plus. It has been specially created for the stars of pornographic movies to easily lie down on and lift their parts up in the air for servicing.



This is a woman at Glastonbury having a bit of a relax in an adapted foetal position while the drugs wear off.



This is some men. Sorry about this one.



This is from the "2007 Playboy Golf Finals". Hours of fun to be had browsing.

Static non-powered objects with faces #14: Petrol cans

Decapitated head containers, for when you need to get the head of an unfortunate prostitute out of the hotel room and into the nearest river.



"Petrol cans in a gas station somewhere between Minneapolis and the casino my wife and I were headed to 'for shits and giggles'. They look like they're from Easter Island or something" - Alex.

Man closes wrong Firefox tab

He'd just signed in as well. Now he'll have to sign in again. How annoying.



We've all been there!

Gadgets with FACES #85: A Tenda Wireless-N Broadband Router

Dancing robot gadget. With arms. In the air. Like it JUST DON'T CARE.



It is a Tenda Wireless-N Broadband Router. You can buy it on the internet here. It was spotted by one of our numerous readers called "Chris" who is presumably in the market for a new router. If you have one to recommend, please do so in the comments section. We're sure he would appreciate it.



A perfect and rare full-bodied gadget. The only thing it's missing is genitalia, although perhaps that's what the buttons on the side are?

More information about the Brionvega RR226

We have been sent more information about the Brionvega RR226 thing-with-face, in what reader "Ben" believes to be a funny coincidence. Turns out it's a modern reimagining of something from the 1960s, when, presumably, people had much bigger houses.



"Funny coincidence! I made this picture (crappy cellphone camera) about one month ago in Munich. I found this relic in a museum called Pinakothek of the Modern Art. He is Mr Big Ears, only in a previous evolutionary form. In the Exhibition it said that Mr Big Ears was manufactured in 1966 by an Italian company called Brionvega and his father/designer is Achille Castiglioni (a name as funny as the Looks of the gadget). Greetings from Germany, Ben."



Thanks, Ben. It's nice to know that at least one of our readers has been to an art gallery at least once.

Gadgets with FACES #84: A Brionvega RR226

We'd imagine its nickname at school was "Big Ears".



And "Mr Stupid Hat" and "Wheel Feet".

Congratulations the man who does Birmingham Airport's PDFs

Large rubber cock successfully sneaked into corporate brochure!



"Check out page 11 of the PDF (page 19 of the actual document). There's a particularly ominous object in the x-ray. What would you need to take one of THOSE on holiday for?" - Darrell.

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE ON HOLIDAY?
So you can tell girls you've got a bigger one somewhere?

CELEBRITY HOLDING: David Beckham with a starter platter

Give him something soft so he doesn't hurt himself.



This was taken at a promotional photograph opportunity at which David "Becksy" Beckham talked about the health benefits of fish fingers, presumably in return for a £25k appearance fee and a year's supply of free fish fingers. Life isn't fair.

Gadgets with FACES #83: A portable Dreamcast

Dunno what a Dreamcast is. Guess it's some sort of lame-arse PlayStation rip-off that only came out in Japan.

WARNING: Extremely hairy hand.



List of parts available here, if you want a robot friend to play Crazy Taxi on.

Unbearable SEXUAL TENSION in the operating room

This seemingly innocent medical equipment photograph masks a SORDID tale of PASSION and DESIRE.



The lady top-centre. She's leaving all sort of swabs and surgical devices in the patient's chest cavity, due to BURNING WITH DESIRE for the hunky doctor.



"Doctor, may I speak with you in private?" Jessica said, peeling off her gloves and shaking her hair down. It had been a long, gruelling ten-hour operation and they had lost the patient due to complications, but that was the furthest thing from her mind right now...

Gadgets with FACES and SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPY!

Do you like girls or boys? It's confusing these days, isn't it?



The face is on the base. Several faces. It's such an easy device to mount to a wall that you don't even have to look at it - you can look outside to where your friends are skateboarding and breakdancing near a fountain.



This is the back of the TV. It also has a face with a superb 'monobrow'. Such a shame this will spend the next eight years staring at a wall until it breaks and is thrown away. Thanks, Philips. You have made today.

DANGER! Bosch encourages women to use drills AND touch light fittings AT THE SAME TIME

This is a disaster waiting to happen. She's got three kids and two dogs running around by her feet, plus there's a forgotten saucepan of beans on the hob that's just started bubbling.



And since when has it been acceptable for women to wear trousers in promotional photography? Bosch is clueless. Black & Decker must be loving this mess.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the Weeeek

A major corporation has decided to invent a month for publicity purposes. That organisation is Sara Lee Douwe Egberts, the maker of lady-product Sanex. The month is Healthy Skin Month.

To illustrate this it sent out a photo of lots of women bending over.



Here's the press release, so you know this is a valid promotional image and not just some weird bending over pornography we innocently stumbled across and accidentally saved to a folder.

FREE EXPERT ADVICE THROUGHOUT HEALTHY SKIN MONTH (NOV)

* Submitted by: The Bottom Line Consultancy
* Monday, 13 October 2008

Celebrate your skin throughout November

Your skin is your largest organ, and one of the most vital. Yet many of us fail to ensure that our skin has all it needs to stay healthy.

That's why this November's Healthy Skin Month, proudly supported by Sanex, is focusing on your skin's 3 fundamental rights to stay healthy. The right to... Protection, Natural pH balance and Moisturisation.

FREE EXPERT ADVICE THROUGHOUT HEALTHY SKIN MONTH

Celebrate healthy skin and get free expert advice throughout November from leading skin specialists; Matthew Patey CEO for the British Skin Foundation, Dr Bav Shergill, Consultant Dermatologist based in Brighton and Dr Sue Mayou, Consultant Dermatologist based in London.

Visit www.healthyskinmonth.co.uk for more information and you can also watch Matthew, Bav and Sue in a live web TV show on Wednesday 5th November at 12pm. They'll be discussing the 3 rights to healthy skin and answering your questions. (Put your questions to the experts through the website.)

PROTECTION. DID YOU KNOW...?
...the average adult has 2 square metres of skin weighing over 3Kg
...strengthening your skin's own protection barrier builds healthier skin that is more resilient and less likely to be sensitive
...all Sanex bath and shower products have the added benefit of Zinc, which works with your skin to strengthen its own defences

NATURAL pH BALANCE. DID YOU KNOW...?
...your skin's natural pH level is generally between 5.5 and 6.0
...your skin has to actively work harder to rebalance its pH
...Sanex's Dermo Active 3 formulations have a low pH, which makes it easier for your skin to remain at its natural best

MOISTURISATION. DID YOU KNOW...?
...your skin is alive and constantly growing and has approximately 300 million skin cells
...your skin needs a certain level of moisture to stay soft, hydrated and young looking
...Sanex has added more moisturising agents to its best-loved products, to give your skin advanced nourishment

Sanex believes your skin has 3 fundamental rights and that's why their new Dermo Active 3 formulations actively work with your skin to help keep it protected, moisturised and balanced.

The Olympus Stylus 1040 Crystal and ASPIRATIONAL EVENINGWEAR PHOTOGRAPHY!

No, really, it's us that should be taking a photo of you.



Photo taken from DP Review, a site that always brings a smile to the face. Don't act like you don't know why.

Gadgets with FACES #82: A drunk motorbike tramp

This used to be a really fashionable scooter in the 1960s. Then a messy divorce cost it its garage and it was left to rust on the streets.



It will wank you off in exchange for a bit of sandpaper.

Women using PROFESSIONAL EQUIPMENT #1: A JVC GY-HD250U in Studio Configuration

All silent for the GY-HD250U in Studio Configuration with camera operator AND accessorising VF-P400!



Pictures taken from an utterly superb JVC archive photo reserve. Hours of fun to be had there for the promotional photograph enthusiast.



This is the GY-HD250U in Studio Configuration with camera operator and optional colour monitor. She has changed her jumper and hair, but we'd assume both photos were taken on the same day.



Here it is, taking it in four holes at once.



We found this lovely archive by Googling "TMA-13" to see what came up. TMA-13 is the name of that rocket that man went up in yesterday and this little monitor. That is how our minds and the internet work.

The Asus S101

Not much to say about this. Here's a nice photo of a laptop.



She is significantly taller than the photographer. Must be at least seven foot tall.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeek

Disgusting slag meets disgusting foodstuff. Sent in by a man called "Netizen" who was no doubt innocently browsing Google Images for high-resolution photographs of forks when he stumbled across the following in horror.



That's called a Lucy Pinder. It is eating a Pot Noodle.



The web site we took these photos off is covered in animating images of arses and tits, so we cannot provide a link to the source.



You'll just have to find your own photos of tits and arses today.



It shouldn't be very hard.

Ladies formal wear accessories with FACES #1: A SUPERB VINTAGE GEORG JENSEN SILVER BROOCH c.1948

This one takes a bit of time to appear. It's a 'magic eye' face. After two minutes of squinting you'll see one of the fringe enemies from Sonic The Hedgehog, or a demon.

The original photograph was found by a man on eBay, presumably while he was trying to find a present for his wife that came in at the magic sub-£10 level.



"Bagsy the first vintage silver broach with an arrogant snarl. He bloody well knows how rare he his! 185 for me! Disgusting. No mention of the face in the description? Maybe vintage silver jewellery dealers don't read idiot toys?" - Jiffy.

Gadgets with FACES #81: A rocket about to eat space tourist Richard Garriott

Careful, Richard! It's a trap!



He's awfully rich for a man who invented a game in the early 1980s. You never see David Crane poncing about up in space in return for £15m.

Nokia 5800 XpressMusic and LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

So, how exactly do you express music?



1. You force a friend to listen to music YOU LIKE, regardless of if THEY like it or not. This is what's known as "ear rape."



2. You stare vacantly into the middle distance with your mouth open.



3. You watch videos on a screen the size of a stamp.



4. You hang around in a recording studio, because everyone's thinking of buying some time in a studio and "laying down" some "tracks" these days, aren't they?

The back of the NavMan S100

NavMan sent out a very high resolution photograph of the back of the new S100. They must be proud of the back of it and the way that, from the right angle, it could be mistaken for the back of an Apple product.

Hint of face?



The original file was sent out at JPEG compression factor 10. That's a bit unnecessary. That makes NavMan look like it has an inflated impression of how important its photographs are. JPEG compression factor 8 is the highest that's ever required, especially when assets are being distributed by email. An emailed 10 is simply rude.

Gadgets with FACES #80: An upside down Labtec speaker

OK, this one plugs in. Men buy it from Currys and lie to their girlfriends about how much it cost. It goes near your computer. It has a little LED on it to say when it's on. It is definitely a gadget, you can see the wires and everything.



"I thought you might like this. I didn't notice until I was doing a head stand on my desk. He looks like he might be trying to say something but his cord was pulled and now there is the realisation that he can go no further" - Matt.

When battery photos become ART - the PKCELL Gallery

Man took these. Man did good job. Man made nice arrangements of batteries. Man also attempted balancing. Man pushed envelope, metaphorically speaking, of what we have come to expect from traditional battery photography.



"I discovered some cheap Chinese batteries in my birthday gift; my friend would have been disappointed to know that I was more excited about the batteries than the laser pointer."



"The brand is PKCELL and some notable traits of this battery are the accurate spelling and syntax (but incorrect punctuation). There is a URL printed on the label which leads to an attractive looking page with erotic battery animations, mediocre promo shots, and a company profile full of satisfying translation errors."



"This battery contains a helpful warning that says 'Do not open battery'. The battery also claims to be environmentally friendly with a picture of a tree and recycling logo. As far as I know Zinc Chloride batteries are not recyclable."



"The battery claims to be Super Heavy Duty, but the units only lasted a few minutes before quitting. I noticed they are very light, about half the weight of a AAA battery from a local store. I fashioned a relatively sensitive scale using household items to demonstrate how feather light they are."



"I took a picture of the battery standing on top of my computer speaker as my attempt at battery art" - Lucas.

DIY store knob displays with FACES #1

Sent in by an "Andy" who was bravely defying the credit markets and house price crash by visiting a local DIY store.



It was in a B&Q. If you live near a B&Q can you go in and check the knob displays, please? We need to know if this is a national display technique, or simply the act of a bored rogue staff member who doesn't care about getting sacked any more.

Bags with FACES #7 or thereabouts

Due to what can only be described as "user demand" we are launching Bags with FACES as a regular feature. People keep sending them in. So we might as well use them.

Check out this man's amazing 1960s household colour scheme.



"I have attached a picture of my girlfriend's handbag. It looks quite content. Yes, I could have retaken it so it was less blurry - but then I would have risked getting caught by said girlfriend photographing her handbag and had to explain exactly what Idiot Toys was and why I am sending in a photo of her bag" - Lawrence.

Static non-powered objects with FACES #15: CYCLOR

This is CYLOR. CYLOR is the "guardian of the back corner of a shit Brisbane nightclub," according to the man called "Johnny" who sent it in.



That is no nightclub. That is a waiting room for HELL.

Static non-powered objects with FACES #14: A bottle opener

We are straying into dangerous "on purpose" facial territory with this one, but, after careful analysis, we have decided that the features are all there for a reason and this therefore counts as a non-on-purpose face.



"Excuse the rubbish photo, but I'd been drinking far too much cider (I'm in Somerset) when I took a photo of 'Steve the Fish's bottle opener', attached. You had a huge collection of Nokia phone box photos sent in by Daryl who works for me, so if you do publish this then could you clarify whether (that) a things with faces photo beats old lifestyle photos" - DT.

ADJUDICATION
We enjoy lifestyle photography more than inanimate things with faces, so, sadly, the Nokia box photograph update wins in this instance.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Frank Lampard once again fails to deliver on the international stage

Despite sitting before an array of gadgets placed within easy reach, Lampard failed to hold even one.



The crowd looked on in disappointment. Steven Gerrard (not pictured) didn't even make it to the right room.

ABOUT THIS UPDATE
It's a football joke. We are attempting to broaden our appeal to mechanics and proper men who lift things as part of their job instead of all you IT wimps.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Maria Sharapova and a pink Powershot

She gets around a bit. Sony Ericsson won't be happy about this. It may well be for charity, but Maria's under contract to Sony Ericsson for all that fashion nonsense and really shouldn't be promoting Canon products.



It's for charity. Don't say anything rude about, say, massaging her aching legs after a match and then her starting to enjoy it and then letting you massage anything else you want. And take photos and a movie to sell for $400,000. That would not be a caption befitting of a charitable photograph.

City man not taken seriously by colleagues

Reason for global banking crisis revealed - they're using telephones that can only be described as a bit "Mickey Mouse."



No one's going to buy shares from a man bellowing into a Fisher Price activity handset with one choice of ringtone (London Bridge is Falling Down).

Bruker AXS Announces New G4 PHOENIX Combustion Analysis System with Infrared Furnace for Determination of Diffusible Hydrogen in Wide Range of Metals

Boring product. Product no one's going to feature on their tech blogs. So best get a woman in to stand near it.



On show now at the FABTECH International & AWS Welding Show 2008!



Not really the fingernails you'd expect a scientist or a welder to have. And she's too old to be Bruker's receptionist. So she must be the accountant. Probably only comes in two days a week to do the books and pay roll. Brings in her own sandwiches and sits there quietly getting on with it.



Now this is more like it. That's the high performance TRACERturbo(SD) handheld XRF analyzer. You won't find a more awesome product name than that.

Bruker AXS Announces New G4 PHOENIX Combustion Analysis System with Infrared Furnace for Determination of Diffusible Hydrogen in Wide Range of Metals Applications

AWS Welding Show 2008

Booth 13302

KALKAR, Germany--Bruker AXS announced that it will launch its new G4 PHOENIX combustion analysis system with an infrared furnace for the determination of diffusible hydrogen next week at the FABTECH International & AWS Welding Show 2008 in Las Vegas at booth 13302 (www.fmafabtech.com).

Bruker AXS Executive Vice President Bernard Kolodziej stated: “Welding material producers, tube plants and steel mills all require the advanced hydrogen analysis capabilities of our new G4 PHOENIX. We are pleased to be able to add this cutting-edge instrument to our extensive range of high performance metals analyzers, including our spark-OES, combustion analysis, and X-ray Fluorescence (XRF) spectrometers.”

Bruker AXS Vice President Georg Schick added: “Our G4 PHOENIX determines the diffusible hydrogen in a wide range of material and matrices. Its quick heating infrared (IR) furnace with a quartz tube diameter of 30mm allows advanced analysis of even large samples up to 220 grams without problems, along with the detailed analysis of industry-standard welding samples. A gas calibration unit with 10 different volumes guarantees simple and reliable calibration. The G4 PHOENIX is highly sensitive and the stable thermal conductivity detector is capable of reading even the smallest hydrogen contents. Our G4 PHOENIX analysis software is easy to use and clearly structured. Typical analysis times of welding samples are just an astonishing 20-40 minutes. Importantly, the analysis and report format of the G4 PHOENIX complies with both the AWS A4.3 and ISO 3690 norms.”

At FABTECH, Bruker will also demonstrate its new high performance TRACERturboSD handheld XRF analyzer, the world’s first handheld alloy analyzer incorporating a Silicon Drift Detector (SDD) for faster analysis, better light element performance and higher specificity, resulting in overall increased analytical confidence and speed.

About Bruker AXS: For information on Bruker (NASDAQ: BRKR), please visit http://www.bruker-axs.com and http://www.bruker.com.

Inside the Asus factory!

Ages ago, for some reason or another, we found ourselves in possession of a "loan" Asus laptop. We were reviewing it. That's the sort of proper thing we are allowed to do sometimes, despite putting all of this on the internet.



We found this batch of photos in the My Pictures folder during the review process. It's the woman in the factory testing the webcam.



Hello, Asus factory lady! How are your working conditions? Are you a member of a union? Are you being paid the correct regional minimum wage? Are all health and safety rules being adhered to?



Each photo is different. If you put them all in a folder and cycle through them it makes a little movie of her and this second of her life.



We'd imagine she's thinking about how some rich Westerner will be spending more than her year's salary on a stupid computer.

World's last remaining money put on display

The last known bank notes on the face of the planet have been placed in a Greek museum.



They will remind future civilisations that the world used to be based around capitalism and the exchange of money, until late 2008 when it reverted back to the bartering system and prostitution.

Gadgets with FACES #79: The Pandora

This is Pandora. Or a Pandora. It is OK to objectify objects. It's people and especially women that don't like it. Must try to remember that.



"It's some new Linux thing called Pandora that looks like a DS and seems surprised to find itself sitting next to a floppy disk. Pandora might be a crap name, but with SafeSearch off it makes for a fairly pleasurable Google Image Search" - Harry.

H2O Audio and its LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

This update will slowly build to a climax. Don't go too soon.



This is a pair of "Surge" earphones and the Amphibx iPod case/armband. This is NOT the reason this update exists.



This is a pair of "Surge" earphones and the Amphibx iPod case/armband AND an illustration of them being used beside a swimming pool. This, again, is not really why I have gathered you all here today.



BINGO. This is "Lifestyle image of a girl on a beach using H20 Audio." That's what they called it, and that's what it is. Well done, H2O. Your cliched use of marginal sexism has actually paid off and generated some web coverage! Do more of this. Much more. And make it stronger.

Gadgets with FACES #78: A SUNVIC TLM thermostat

Wonky eyes, funny hair, but a TEXTBOOK happy mouth. We're a bit backed-up with Gadgets with FACES photos, so today is going to be Gadgets with FACES day. If you have a problem with that, just be glad it's not batteries.



Sent in by a "Lee" who says it hangs about outside his office trying to look down the top of the receptionist while all the cool blokes stand around smoking cigarettes. It often deliberately turns up the temperature to make everyone sweat, too.

Gadgets with FACES #77: A Fujifilm 3D camera

It's a miserable looking little shit, considering she's preparing to kiss its bottom.



Perhaps it is sad because it has only just noticed her wedding ring, and it's been buying her bloody drinks - really expensive cocktails, too - all evening.

The Asus N10 lingerie shoot

Several marks have been overstepped here.



Sent in by a man called "yawsyaws" who supplied links to both German and Korean sources, depending on your language preferences.



That's what she'll do to your testicles in exchange for 10 American dollars.

Nintendo moves power button on the DS Lite

It's the "new" Nintendo DSi. It's pretty much exactly the same as the DS Lite, only with two cameras for no one to use, a slightly larger screen and it's in a bit of a thinner case to further its appeal with the "slimline" demographic.



It also has a web browser built-in, but if you ever used the abysmal Opera browser on your DS you'll know that's not really a thing worth having on something with the same processing power as an average household microwave. The DSi mainly exists so that Nintendo can carry on charging the same amount of money for its handheld, keeping Nintendo bosses in gold bananas for another two years.



And Nintendo has copied the only entertaining thing Apple ever produced, with the DSi featuring a clone of the face-warping software that Apple users always get out to justify how they spent £1400 on a laptop that's as powerful as a £299 laptop.



However, all is now forgiven. The left one earns six forgiveness points out of ten, the right one earns seven forgiveness points out of ten.



Woman, demonstrating her puppies.

Epson youngster attempts the fabled "levitate" product display technique

We've featured numerous levitate attempts before, all of which have eventually been exposed as shameless fakes. It is the unobtainable forbidden fruit of holding.

Epson is the latest company to go public with a possible levitate. It will be scrutinised at the very highest level, especially as she's only using one hand.



Look at the concentration on her face. We want to believe!

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Fergie and Wyclef Jean working with Motorola

We've heard of these people. They're presenters on CBBC. Or DJs. She was Doctor Who's assistant and he played for Manchester City for the first half of last season. No, wait! They're in a band. ABBA.



These images are to promote something Motorola is calling the "MOTOROKR STAR" campaign. We could not be bothered to read the press release to find out what it's to do with. Probably a concert aimed at selling phones to youths and getting them signed up to something that costs £19.99 a month.



An extremely casual "sit near" from Wyclef here. He could at least LOOK at the product.



The ego-mad star has completely marginalised the product. It's all HER HER HER. She's palmed it! Inconsiderate cow.

What happens when you put "photocopier" into Google image search?

It's Wednesday morning! It's 11.45am! It's too early for lunch and too late for any more breakfast, especially as today's breakfast is yesterday's uneaten dinner. The only thing left to do is put random words into Google to see what comes up until there's something else to do.

Today's word: Photocopier.



Original here. Tomorrow we might try putting "fax machine" into Google and seeing what comes up.

UPDATE:
We didn't scroll through enough results pages. These are better.



Reader "Mark" also supplied this link to a photocopier sex resource.



This woman's put her WHOLE ARM into a photocopier!



Mark also sent a few other photos that are not in keeping with our PG rating.

Static non-powered objects with faces #13: A New York bin

Another one of our readers has been on a glamorous foriegn holiday. This time is was "Chris" who went to New York. We hope you stocked up on socks and underpants from Gap like all the other tourists, Chris!



Although he called it a "trash can" in his email and said he was "on vacation", so is presumably American and therefore used to the luxury of having a ready supply of cheap Gap socks.