PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS: Something to do the with Mall of America

A budget-busting FOUR Santa uniforms were acquired for this shoot! Plus entry fees to the park, transport to get there, lunch for everyone and the photographer - times are clearly still booming at the Mall of America.



BECAUSE OF THIS:
"Santa coasts in to Mall of America with the world famous Radio City Rockettes to kick off their first ever North American tour in Minneapolis. Santa will welcome visitors starting today through Dec 24."

PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS: "Hunky Santa" will be appearing every Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the Beverly Center

Any American readers out there fancy doing us an on-the-spot report?



10megapixel photos of some salivating American-sized housewives would be ideal.



Nice little helpers. Not especially festive costumes, mind. More like Amsterdam Shop Window sex display than Merry Christmas.

PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS: Susan (or maybe Monica) from Citrix Systems, Inc.

Hear that sound? The dull sound of something tapping on metal? It's not Santa, it's our fingers scraping the barrel DRY with this shamefully low-resolution picture of a woman who was made to wear a hat because it was late-November and they planned on sending out the press release in the first week of December.



SETTING THE SCENE...
"Citrix Online today extended Season's Greetings to customers and partners around the world, and announced its strong support for Santa Claus himself as he prepares for his annual ride to visit children everywhere and fulfill their Christmas wish. They are also well aware that the venerable St. Nicholas keeps busy in his home base at the North Pole the rest of the year too, working with his helpers from all over the world.

THE PROMOTIONAL PAYOFF...
"And while he sticks with his beloved reindeer and trusty sled to get around during the holidays, he can, just like everybody else, avail himself of technologies like GoToMeeting(R) from the Citrix Online division of Citrix Systems, Inc. (NASDAQ:CTXS), to collaborate online with his helpers in ways he never could before."

PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS: A warning regarding fire safety

This photo has been issued by the National Fire Protection Association. It's highlighting the fact that house fires are more commonplace over Christmas, probably because of wrapping paper lying about. You're meant to imagine that girl BURNING and therefore be a bit more careful with the matches.



Sick bastards.

PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS: HandyCane Christmas tree watering device

Amazing, this. It's a device specifically invented to assist in watering your Christmas tree. It's a bit like a watering can, or a saucepan, or a milk bottle, or a mug, or a [ANY VESSEL THAT CAN HOLD WATER].



They even threw the budget out of the window and registered a domain name for it. That's a long-term commitment to becoming a Christmas tree watering device millionaire.

Shame they didn't force her into a Santa costume and just told her to wear the most Christmassy shirt she owned, though. That's the "credit crunch" for you.

PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS: Nicola McLean selling bras to a puzzlingly disinterested Santa

This is a "celebrity" called Nicola McLean in a bra. She was in something on the television set recently. One of those programmes.



She's much more suited to appearing in grainy video clips on the internet, though.



And on rotating stages with little windows around the edge for men to look through while reaching for the complimentary tissue.



And in hotel lobbies where rich businessmen demand cleanliness and discretion and don't mind how much booze you take out of the mini bar as the tab's being picked up by the Hamburg office and the whole stupid trip was their idea anyway.



She could also be the new face of Greggs.



She's probably lovely. Imagine the stick her dad gets from the other blokes at the garage.

PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS: Lita Ford, holding a guitar, wearing tight stuff and revealing her toes

During the Christmas period, so we can go somewhere else and do things that aren't staring at the internet for 14 hours a day, we've prepared a series of updates titled PROMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS - a collection of the finest promotional images to do with and featuring Christmas.

This is as close as we're getting to giving you a present.



Apologies for the unacceptable 600x886 resolution. It's all we could find. And this one is actually just a stocking filler - your proper present is coming later today.

WHAT'S IT FOR?

Lita Ford's Slinky Syren Latex Styles Give Twisted Sister the Real Glam Treatment in the Band's New "I'll Be Home for Christmas" Video

"Celebrated rocker Lita Ford teams up with Dee Snider, lead vocalist for bestselling heavy metal band 'Twisted Sister,' in a duet for the band's just released video 'I'll Be Home for Christmas' available at www.myspace.com/litaford. Ford gives the rendition true glam treatment in her smooth, shiny, skintight latex clothing from Syren Couture (www.syren.com), the world's leading latex fashion house."

Someone from NVIDIA's hand and arm

Hand appears worryingly bulky. Arm is not exactly toned or tanned. It's the MD's wife or spoilt daughter.



This is definite evidence of the "credit crunch" impacting on the budgets of tech companies. They couldn't even afford some nice fabric to go in the background.

Gurning Gadgets #1: The Dyson Airblade

Whatever happened to gurning? It used to be on the regional news twice a year, regular as clockwork. You could set your watch to it, just like you could set your watch to one of the Blue Peter staff going up Nelson's Column to clean off the pigeon poo.



Rare to see such well-defined eyebrows. Congratulations, Lord Dyson. We will happily put our hands in your thing's mouth, even if it'll be a bit dangerous standing in a public toilet with a big smile on our face.

Behind the Scenes with Sony's Customer Service team

Sony has its own official YouTube channel. It is, as you might expect, FULL OF SHITE. Here's a man interviewing two customer services ladies, who have been reduced to mere HUSKS by working for the dark corporation for decades.

Want to know what their favourite Sony product is? Click on!



And here's one of Rick Clancy talking to Gene Savoy about the Trimaster Monitor at NAB 2008. Fantastic work.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Jessica Simpson having to use both hands

Bless the poor little simpleton.



There's a safety net just out of shot, seven members of the St. John's Ambulance in attendance and two fire appliances on standby. Insurance for the shoot came in at $2.3m.

EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES: Stephen R. Rutherford, director of Seismic Ventures, Inc.'s Direct Hydrocarbon Detection Services Division

Mad granddad! Mad granddad who's had a glass of wine with his dinner, even though he's not supposed to with his new medication.



Your girlfriend's going to get a very enthusiastic kiss on the cheek when it's time to go home.



We discovered by accident (an instinctive Ctrl+W in ACDSee32 v2.4) that this makes an absolutely splendid desktop image, so here's a version cropped to a 1680x1050 widescreen ratio. We've left a bit of room either side for you to put your icons on.

JOKE: Your delivery has arrived!

Here's a photo you can use to make an email joke with. It's actually the fuel tank of the new Falcon 9 rocket on the back of a lorry, but you can use it to make a joke about a person who's really into a thing.



If you have a gay friend, the joke can be "Your lube has arrived!" or if you have a fat female friend the joke can be "Your Sainsbury's delivery has arrived!"

We have only scratched the surface (below the neckline so there's no visible scarring).

Inappropriate wound-cleansing lifestyle photography

This is a photograph of a UV lamp designed to disinfect wounds. There's no need for a lady to be holding it while wearing clothing designed to appeal to children.



No child is going to request a UV wound-cleansing device for Christmas, even if it does look a bit like a Harry potter wand crossed with a lightsaber.

One-handed desktop lift

PROFESSIONALISM: When every sinew in your body is straining and begging for release, yet you can still manage a carefree smile.



And she wants an assistant to put another on her left hand for the double!

PRO BATTERY PHOTOS: The Quantary Super Z

It's a Nickel-Zinc (NiZn) AA rechargeable battery. You should know how we feel about rechargeables (functional but not glamorous), but we can't ignore a superb 2912x4368 photograph and a fantastically modern minimalist design.



The EXIF data's not present so we can't review the camera. It is unlikely to have been taken on the MD's Nokia N95.

"Mr Battery Photos" returns, with a superb German selection - and bonus FACE

It's been a few months since we last heard from Lee. We were starting to get worried. Not worried for his safety or well-being, but worried that we'd stop getting sent great material for updates and would have to start doing the legwork ourselves again.

But it's all OK! Lee is all OK! Lee and his amazingly-well-shot battery photos is BACK. He also named his photos well and provided numbered captions in his email to make it easier for us AND he has branched out into Gadgets with FACES.

He is a god among readers, frankly. The rest of you losers are DISGUSTING compared to the MIGHTY LEE.

OPENING PREAMBLE
"It is I, the guy that dedicates too much time to battery photography. While many of your readers have been gallivanting around the world 'discovering themselves' or whatever, some of us have actually been working. In Munich for the European Space Agency for example, where I came across this beautiful selection!"



"I smuggled them out at great personal risk, photographed them using the relatively rudimentary equipment available, and then snuck them back the next day."



"You will first notice, as I did, that they are in a bag with toothbrushes. The reason for this is a mystery. Are they electric toothbrushes? Are they power supplies and hygiene equipment destined for astronauts? Or were they simply tidied away with the batteries in haste?"



"Most batteries in Germany are 'Varta' branded – the beige of the battery world. Dull and uninspiring they may be, but this collection is anything but. Just look at the stunning variety that has been bundled together! One in particular deserves more attention..."



"It's a Maxell Super Power Ace. They've generously awarded themselves five stars. Here he is, surrounded by his toothbrush-based friends."



"Batteries seem to have gone out of fashion on your site of late, so I've included a sweetener. It's a gadget with a face! Specifically, some binoculars designed to make a faraway German mountain look like a slightly less faraway German mountain."



"I deemed the 50 cent asking price to be too steep, a decision which I stand by. I know you demand the highest resolution photos possible, so will have to spread them over two e-mails. Thank you and goodbye" - Lee.

Static non-powered objects with FACES #23: A boy-eating safe

This safe is smiling. The safe has just done something BAD. The safe ought to know not to smile when it's done something bad, as it makes it looks evil.



Submitted by a "Jasper" who said the safe wasn't so happy when it got its face ripped off. Jasper also provided a list of questions to ponder while watching the video of the safe on the BBC:

1) Why is the safe so happy? (although I guess he's just eaten a kid)

2) Where were the keys?

3) Why does that fireman not have safety goggles, yet he can afford a very expensive spreader?

4) What's with the dolphin stretcher for the mite at the end?

Coveroo - possible WORST company in the WORLD

Using the word "bling" as we approach the year 2009 is bad enough, but getting Paris Hilton, her wonkier sister and a couple of men who we suspect are (a) high-profile DJs, (b) rich kids with a sideline in drug dealing or (c) both, is one step beyond common acceptability.



The punchline is the product - tacky plastic fascias for phones, something Nokia's been pleasing its shareholders with for nearly a decade.

Coveroo Brings Holiday Bling to Your Phone

Company Launches With Celebrity Users, License to Over 250 Exclusive Designs, and Best Buy Sales Channel

SAN FRANCISCO--(BUSINESS WIRE)--The Coveroo, a new electronic fashion accessory that takes your phone from drab to fab, is unveiled today - pioneering a world where personal electronics are truly personal. A Coveroo replaces the original back cover on your mobile device with a custom version that features lasered artwork from your favorite band, TV show, movie or artist. Coveroo launches with over 250 high-quality designs from leading brands - some of which are being made commercially available for the first time - such as AC/DC, Star Trek, The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Barbie.

Getting a Coveroo is simple and quick - prices start at only $19.95 and holiday delivery is guaranteed if ordered by December 22, 2008. Go to www.coveroo.com, choose a phone model, and select your desired design; or pick from a variety of fonts to have your name or initials etched. The folks at Coveroo will hand craft a new back cover for your phone and send it to you. Once received, you just slip off the old boring back cover and replace it with your new fashion-forward Coveroo. Coveroo early adopters and trend-setters looking to stand out, promote a cause or carry a reminder of their favorite things include a growing list of celebrities such as Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba, Paris Hilton and Penn Badgley.

"My Coveroo is reminiscent of the artist who inspired me to pick up a guitar - it's a daily reminder of what I aspire to be," said Ryan Cabrera, musician. "Previously, I had never been able to personalize the items I wanted and now I feel like the sky's the limit."

"People increasingly expect that anything can be a unique reflection of them - including personal electronics," said Karl Jacob, CEO of Coveroo. "Until now, limited artwork choice, cost and having to send your device elsewhere were barriers. With Coveroo, for the first time ever, people can choose from hundreds of designs etched with a high-quality laser and make their phone stand out in ten seconds."

The sophistication of the laser technology and engraving process, along with the exclusive licensing deals made with leading brands and coveted artists, allow Coveroo to fulfill its mission of personalization in a way that is unmatched by any other in the market today. Coveroo offers a tremendous variety of designs while being the most affordable, high-quality and time-efficient solution for device personalization.

As part of the company's debut, Coveroo also announced a partnership with Best Buy to provide its on-demand laser engraving at select stores nationwide. In addition to Best Buy customers being able to personalize their new purchases by adding custom Coveroos, they can also bring their existing devices into participating stores to be etched - a particularly appealing solution for Apple iPhone users. Currently, Coveroo is set-up for business in the following Best Buy locations: Bloomington, MN in the Mall of America; Fairfax, VA; Schaumburg, IL; and West Hollywood, CA; and has plans to extend its relationship and rollout to additional Best Buy stores in the coming year.

San Francisco-based Coveroo, formed from the merger of Wallop and Etchstar, was founded in October 2008 by seasoned industry veterans including Karl Jacob, Ben Katz and Mark Halstead. Jacob, now CEO of Coveroo, is a four-time successful entrepreneur and was most recently CEO and founder of Wallop, funded by Bay Partners, Norwest and Microsoft - all of which stayed on to finance Coveroo. Katz, now President of Coveroo, was previously CEO and founder of Etchstar, where he pioneered commercialization of on-demand customized consumer electronics. Halstead who has invented several ecommerce technologies will take on the role of Coveroo CTO. The joining of the companies and associated business and creative credentials provides the perfect combination of online insights with real-world know-how.

Available immediately from the Coveroo website are designs for the Blackberry Bold, Curve and Pearl, as well as the Motorola SLVR 7, Samsung U410 and U340 and LG CU515. The Apple iPod touch with a Coveroo is also available on the Coveroo site. Customers can also get Coveroos for any of these devices, and the iPhone 3G, in person at select Best Buy stores or by sending it to Coveroo.

Coveroo is adding new phone models and design choices all the time, and can also etch custom designs to fashion a truly "one of a kind" Coveroo. For more information or to order a Coveroo online, please go to www.coveroo.com.

Extremely impractical new LG washing machine

We're all for doing our bit for the environment - we occasionally turn the PC off and generate most of our heat through vigorous masturbation rather than central heating - but sticking a tree into a washing machine is going a bit far.



Suppose you could hang your pants up to dry on the branches, though.

A very high resolution photo of Marilyn Monroe

This is an update a bit like the ambulance one from earlier in the year. You never know when you might need a monstrous resolution photo of Marilyn Monroe in the future.

So here's one, taken at 3418 x 5177, which must've been using an extremely expensive digital camera in the 1950s. Must've been the size of a house. Would've been plugged into the mains. Only had room for one photo on the memory card. Which was made out of wax. And so on.



Sent out to promote some photo-printing service. They really shouldn't have, it could impact on poster sales for the copyright holder.

INTERNATIONAL Apple Specialist!

We just got an email off a man called "Juan". And as if that wasn't exciting enough, Juan provided us with an image of a Japanese Apple Specialist!



"Don't know why, but I get Japanese Apple Store spam - here is the localized specialist. He looks like 'Ken' because he changed his name to a western one to be smooth and cooler to all of those Japanese lolitas crowding the Tokyo Apple Store.

"Maybe in 3-4 years he'll change it to Matsuko and start giving out blow jobs in back alleys like ALL of the Apple (male) specialists eventually do. Can you wait that long for some apple lady-boy love?" - Juan.

Celebrity Holding: Taylor Swift and her award for something

She's not a celebrity to us, seeing as she's an American country music singer, but we found this LARGE photo of her in a nice dress while trawling the internet for moustachioed business leaders.



Looks OK from a distance...



...but those dirty fingernails have been chewed down to STUMPS. It'd be like getting wanked off by a mechanic. PR disaster. Record sales plummeting as we speak. She'll be reduced to appearing on Celebrity Mini Cabs by 2009.

Cardboard boxes with FACES #4: A brave Cadbury Hero

This update also incorporates READER'S KITCHENS, READER'S COOKERS, READER'S PLATES, READER'S SAUCEPANS and the long-awaited debut of READER'S LINOLEUM FLOORING.



"Was doing the recycling and stomping boxes down and saw this poor fellow after being on the receiving end of my size 9. Little arms raised as well, almost brought a tear to my eye" - Darlyb.

Belfast Mayor fan illustration

Got sent this superb and unsolicited recreation of the Belfast Mayor. Not sure why. Like it all the same.



"Took me ages to make. At work. thought it would definitely come in handy" - Michael.

New Apple Specialist! :)

Today's one is a man :(

It's definitely a Steve. Never before have we seen such a Steve-like man.



Taken from Apple's email about iPods it's just sent out today, with the subject header "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL ONE PERSON JUST BUY *SOMETHING* BEFORE CHRISTMAS" or something along those lines.

Gadgets with FACES #104: A Tenna TV Antenna

The subject line of the email claimed "Best Gadget with FACE ever" - and, although it isn't quite as good as this or this, it is a definite top five contender, particularly if you're a fan of the dog-like faces.



"I spotted this in the breakfast / DVD / pool table room at a budget hotel in Bangkok last week. It's a TV booster antenna with the face of a slightly robotic dog."



"As you can see from the photo of the box, it's a politically correct product - available in different skin tones. Imagine that!" - Paul.

iPHONE CAMERA ONCE AGAIN IMPLICATED IN SHIT PHOTO:
"Sorry about the quality of the photos, that's the combination of a crappy iPhone camera and cheap Thai whiskey."

An update from the Belfast City Council PR photo archive

Belfast City Council is a fantastic, forward-thinking, progressive borough that has one of the finest promotional photo archives on all of the internet. It's a top ten most-visited bookmark.

It's where we got the ones of Christine Bleakley from ages ago and that one of the terrifying mayor - and has remained a favourite spot of ours ever since.

Let's investigate together.



Here's a promotional photo encouraging Belfast youths to go out bowling instead of inhaling the entire contents of deodorant cans out of binliners in one go round the back of garages.



Here's another one. This one doesn't make tenpin bowling seem as aspirational and sexy an experience as the first picture.



Here's one including policemen and Father Christmas! They have arrested him on suspicion of having an erection in the grotto, after a concerned parent spotted what appeared to be an unusually large bulge in his trousers. The man in the black fleece is an enraged vigilante who was just about to stab Santa in the neck and groin as revenge.



The terrifying mayor again. Don't be rude about the girl. She's in a wheelchair. If you're rude about her now you'll feel very bad about it in 20 years time when your mum ends up in a wheelchair and you're the one paying to have the ramps put in her bungalow and taking her to ASDA once a fortnight.



Local business people. Always hard to make look half-decent in a picture, no matter how good the surrounding lighting conditions. The mayor is NOT HAPPY about being there, presumably as he forgot to Sky+ the new Heroes and will now have to ask his son to download it and put it on a DVD.



Occasionally the photographer's chips come up. Thanks, Belfast Council! We love you, but are also glad we don't live within your administrative boundaries all the same.

See you again in January for a round-up of Belfast's Christmas official photography output.

EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES: Lynn B. Fuller, chairman, president and CEO of Heartland Financial

Oh boy, have we got an EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES for you today! This is a first - a regular feature that's actually gaining momentum and getting better, rather than fizzling out amid disinterest and reader acrimony.

It's not an exaggeration to say that EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES is the one thing that's keeping us going at the moment. A ray of light. A dove of hope arriving with a sprig of leaf in its beak each Monday. A grey-haired messiah walking among us.



Check that amazingly-preened hair out. A forensic scientist could identify the make and model of comb he used by measuring the distance between those immaculate grooves. This moustache is clearly a compensation growth to counteract having to go through life being called Lynn.

Teclast DOES IT AGAIN!

Goods produced in SPECTACULAR FASHION by device-cloning, girl-snapping masters of sensual gadget photography!



From the people that brought you HOT and eventually LESBIAN holding ACTION comes the latest product display BLOCKBUSTER from the Far East! It's been on the internet for quite a while, and now we can sleep, safe in the knowledge that the photos are backed-up on the Idiot Toys PC and FTP space.



You will be amazed.



You will be thrilled!



You will find yourself doing nothing but thinking about very small Asian bottoms for the rest of today!



These product holders will DO ANYTHING!



They will STOP at NOTHING!



They don't mind YOU LOOKING!



They will even courteously look away and position themselves so you can LOOK MORE WITHOUT GUILT!



They would probably be open to SOME TOUCHING if you were on the same continent and staying in a very expensive hotel and could supply them with cocaine!



It's in aid of something called the Teclast T50 - a 16:9 ratio widescreen media player.



But it is not the ratio of the display or even the number of onboard gigabytes that brings us all here today.



It is the innovative costume work that we can't help but admire!



And it's going to get better.



Honestly, it's going to get better. You may not think the pictures CAN get any better, but trust me - I've already seen them all. There are better ones to come. This one won't even be in your top ten by the time we're done here.



The next three photographs lead to a mini climax. I'll count you in...



THREE...



TWO...



ONE...



RELEASE! RELEASE! Now go and clean yourself and return to look at the rest in 15 minutes.



There's now a costume change for the next batch. They must've been in the studio for a solid 72 hours.



Waterproof.



Windproof.



Splashproof.



Such a bright screen you have to avert your eyes.



Works horizontally.



Has an alarm for if you fall asleep after.



We are running out of things to say, which is fine as the pictures have been doing most of the talking. The words here are only for aesthetic reasons.



This picture is saying "USE ME TWICE TONIGHT AND I WON'T TELL ANYONE ^_^ XxXxX"



One final costume change - the budget must be into seven figures by now.



Teclast, for extreme services to the internet, we award you the Idiot Toys Ever-Lasting Golden Battery, the highest honour we have to bestow.

There now follows an extended rest period.

APPLE SPECIALIST UPDATE: Quite attainable lady

Hooray! New Apple Specialist! We used to get sad and angry whenever Apple sent us an unsolicited spam message about one of its poncy products, but thanks to our new-found love of Apple Specialist Photos every email about iPhone 3G purchasing options is now a pleasure to open.



Apple should start sending out names of its specialists in these emails so we feel more involved and connected to the brand. She looks like a Sarah, but we can't be 100% on that. She has the hair of a Kate.

Gadgets with FACES #103: Some cookers

There's a vaguely troubling "advertorial" feel to the accompanying words, but they're free words we didn't have to think about writing or typing then correcting, so we'll let it pass.



"Even though there is no Web Researcher to assist, I work as the Assistant Web Researcher at www.reevoo.com. During my assisting of aforementioned non-existent Web Researcher I came across this gourmand fellow. He is in fact the Stoves 600EF.

"Our site has impartial customer reviews, and, unsurprisingly given his large chin, he's rated as 'very poor for weight'. That said, the kitchen lovers seem totally taken by his manly good looks. Bill from London says he's 'Nice looking'. Maureen from Londonderry says he's 'easy to use, looks good, performs good' and Julie from Llanelli says of him 'good looks'!

"One anonymous comment says he certainly 'heats up very quickly' but also it's 'not easy to line up pointer'."



"He's doing much better than his buck-toothed friend the Hotpoint BS43" - Jon.

Gadgets with FACES #102: A transparent cassette tape

Not a boring old cassette tape, but a fancy and exotic transparent plastic one! Sent in by a "Wayne" who only offered "Robots have faces" as his accompanying text.



If you're old enough to remember the awesome excitement of transparent plastic tapes coming out, you're too old to be sat there with nothing better to do than read this.

BEARDED EXECUTIVE LOOKALIKES: Philip R. Johnson of the Pacific Coast National Bank, AKA Freddie Mercury

Found this while looking for moustaches. Freddie Mercury didn't die - he changed his name to Philip R. Johnson, grew a beard and took up a position with the Pacific Coast National Bank.



Disappointingly blurry for an official publicity photograph. The ones they didn't send out must've been AWFUL.

Konnie Huq GUZZLING CORPORATE COCK in the name of Blu-ray promotion

She advises buying a PS3. Such a DIRTY MOUTH. A very DIRTY MOUTH. A DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY MOUTH. DIRTY MOUTH. DIRTY MOUTH. VERY DIRTY MOUTH. DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY MOUTH. DIRTY MOUTH. DIRTY. DIRTY MOUTH.

And the most ridiculous head-flick to start things off...



Very clean blouse, though. Offsets her mouth.

LG faces sanctions over alleged return of "schoolgirl" outfits

The use of schoolgirl costumes to promote gadgetry items was technically banned in 1978, after an "age war" broke out and ended up with China fielding a four-year-old with chest implants.

The 'gentleman's agreement' to avoid girls wearing school uniforms has remained in place ever since - until this weekend, when a pair of LG ladies were wheeled out wearing what was undeniably meant to be a school uniform of sorts.



An LG spokesman denied the ties were meant to symbolise school ties, insisting instead that they were simply "smart but casual work wear for the modern lady, such as an air hostess or travel agent."

The International Holding Committee is meeting in Lisbon this Friday to adjudicate on the case.

*Jingle* Promotional Image of the Weeeeek

Odd-looking man allowed near children!



That's the computer he used to arrange this sick clandestine meeting. He would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for the official civic photographer and one of their mums sensing something wasn't quite right and deciding to come along.



The perfectly rational explanation now follows.

'Bridges' event now online

3 November 2008

Online entry is now available for the 'Between The Bridges' charity race, which will take place on Sunday 8 March, to mark the completion of the £103 million Westlink/M1 improvement scheme.

The 10K road race and 5K fun run will start at Broadway, from where it will go up to Stockman's Lane, down to Clifton Street and back to Broadway, using the M1 and Westlink as its course.

To enter the event log on to www.betweenthebridges.org.uk

The 'Between The Bridges' race, in aid of the Northern Ireland Hospice, is organised by Cumann Spoirt an Phobail and the Greater Village Regeneration Trust. It is supported by Belfast City Council, Sport Northern Ireland, the Community Relations Council and the Department for Regional Development.

This event is also supported by Cooperation Ireland, the Deep RiverRock Belfast City Marathon, Athletics Northern Ireland, Belfast Community Sports Development Network and HMC.

Gadgets with FACES #101: A series of industrial plugs on a pedestrianised walkway in London

Back down to earth with a staggeringly mundane piece of gonzo face-spotting on the streets of the capital. You could've at least tried to get a bit of background life in the shot, Elliot. You know what we mean. Shoes. The shoes of business ladies or the tatty sandals of tourists.



"Found this on London's South Bank. Bad blue teeth. Cheers" - Elliot.

Unruly child GOES NEAR expensive HDTV

A child near the TV. A child holding something pointy near the TV. Sends shivers down the spine just looking at it.



HERE'S WHAT IT'S PROMOTING:
"NXP, the independent semiconductor company founded by Philips, today unveiled a new global single-chip LCD TV platform, which allows viewers to enjoy HD digital TV and Internet content with unparalleled picture quality on mid-range TVs. The new NXP TV550 platform, which features the PNX85500 processor and integrates NXP's proprietary Motion Accurate Picture Processing (MAPP2) technology, allows manufacturers to offer a range of advanced high definition TV features only previously available in high-end sets."

ARE WE ANY THE WISER?
Not really.

What happens when you spend ages searching for hi-res MSI Wind publicity photos?

Two things of note happen.



Thing #1 is you stumble across a web site called Malibu Strings Insider which is about a man's travels accompanied by an array of solid but unremarkable ladies, which he has been lucky enough to to have taken photos of WITH PERMISSION as some of them are looking right into the camera.



Thing #2 is you find this picture of a terrified man who's clearly managed to avoid having his photo taken since he became self aware on August 29th 1997. On reflection, it was 20 minutes that could've been better spent deployed elsewhere.

The ULTIMATE majestic dog picture

Here you go. This is the end of the dog-photo sub-theme. It was definitely worth it in the end.



Sent in by "Stefan" who also keeps sending us the below photo of a sewerage pump and DEMANDING we do something with it under the headline "Gadgets with FAECES."



"Rivers and Associates Vacuum Sewer Collection System Ver II. It can collect up to 4.5 MGD. Not sure what that means, but MGD is a cheap American lager - Miller Genuine Draught. So perhaps it's for near pubs? Do I win £5? If so, send it to Adam Doree c/o London OR Los Angeles" - Stfn.

Apple's Specialist of the Month

This man is an Apple Specialist. He will be on hand to reassure you that you're buying into the right lifestyle and that your hair will become this well-styled when you awake with an iPhone 3G on the bedside cabinet tomorrow morning, thanks to its iStyle application that reaches out and lovingly ruffles you to sleep each night.



Each bulk mailout we get from Apple features a different Apple Specialist photograph. Our new idea for a regular feature is to take a screen capture of each Specialist, thereby gradually building a vast catalogue of Apple Specialist photos.



Then, in five years time, we'll submit the list to Digg and maybe get over 10 Diggs and 20 extra readers in a day. It will all be worth it.

HOW YOU CAN HELP:
We'd like your Apple Specialist photos, please, particularly if you live in a different bit of the world - as these Specialists look like they've been localised for the UK. Especially the lady one.

EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES: Yasuaki Miura, President of NuFlare Technology

This is a patented Idiot Toys DUAL UPDATE - a new instalment of EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES combined with the latest in short-running series Possible Sightings of Carl Zeiss.



If only we knew what terribly poor camera was used to take this shot we could've pulled off a triple.



OK, so at Week Four we've already run out of good moustaches. We were hoping to make it to at least Week Ten before resorting to bumfluff/stubble that might even be a simple trick of the light or a hurried error during that morning's shave. Asian males and facial hair are not comfortable bedfellows.

Dramatic photo of a dog #2: Jack, from Yorkshire

For the love of god. We've inadvertently become a depository for pet photos. At least this ought to get the ladies reading.



"I enclose a huge photograph of a dramatic dog. Interestingly, it has eyes of different colours, which I feel makes it even more post-worthy. The little guy's name is Jack and the photo was taken at Malham Tarn in North Yorkshire. Looking at it again I see he has quite a big penis, which some of the readers (what do you call us?) may find interesting. All the best from the frozen fucking wastes of the north" - Numbers/letters man.

GIRL READER has idea for Gadgets with FACES #100: A Boynq Cubite PC Speaker SLASH USB hub

It's not that good a face, but let's do that patronising thing where we pretend something a girl's noticed is really good and interesting as it might lead to something else.

She's also foolishly given away her name and a vague estimation of where she lives, so what better way is there to celebrate GWF#100 than also celebrating a rocketing female readership and being able to imagine finding out where one of them lives?



IMAGINE A GIRL TYPING THE FOLLOWING:
"I'm your third (or second, is it now?) female reader. Congratulations! I found this cheeky little fellow on iwantoneofthose.com - after clicking through from your site. How pleasingly circular! He's a device called a Cubite and I've already forgotten what he does. Can't even read the buttons at this resolution. Hang on. Ah yes. Apparently he's 'the first computer speaker with an integrated USB hub'. At last that cubical space in my life is filled. None of his four mouths (or perhaps his single dotted-line mouth _ _ _ _) seem very happy about it though. Is this number 100? Do I get a prize?" - x Katy, Kentish Town.



Here's a lifestyle photograph of it on holiday in a posh hotel room, that looks like it might be in Hong Kong. The USB stick looks like a sex aid it's just been caught using because it thought you weren't coming back for a few hours.

*Jingle* Promotional Image of the Weeeek

Some business people have joined the team at Pontins. They don't have moustaches and they're not looking majestic and confident, so we can't take them seriously.



The man in the middle is sweating from being that near some uncovered skin. Here's a press release about Pontins, as it seems rude to use the picture without publishing its associated news.

Pontin's Announce that bookings continue to rise

Pontin's announced today that festive 2008 bookings are up by 11% on 2007 and that summer bookings for 2009 are up 20%.

Ocean Parcs, the investment Company that acquired Pontin's in March 2008 for £46million is delighted with the increase in bookings.

Chief Executive, Ian Smith commented: ‘’ The new management team is targeting growth through maximising the untapped potential within the business. Our strategy is to ensure we deliver outstanding value for money and this has clearly contributed to the increase in bookings. I am also pleased to report that the increase has come from both repeat customers and new customers alike. 2009 will be a challenging year for everyone, not least the leisure industry but with our new pricing strategy and product line up we are confident when we say ‘’ if you can find a better value British family holiday elsewhere……………then take it’’.

Chairman Graham Parr commented: "Our strategy for this business is proving to be exactly on track. We have focused our efforts and strengths on the Pontin's core business and the results speak for themselves. This coupled with more and more people relying on the traditional British holiday to give them the affordability to enjoy themselves in these difficult times.

"Our thinking is clear over the coming 12 months which will see us continue to drive the business further as there is I believe substantial opportunities available within the core Pontin's business that are yet to be unleashed.

"I am also delighted to announce the appointments of Ross Faith, Stuart Kay and Clive Dormer. All three of them previously played pivotal roles with Ian in the highly successful team at Matalan during its phenomenal growth period.

"I am also pleased to announce an internal appointment; Daniel Martin has been appointed Marketing Manager effective immediately. Daniel joined the business just 18 months ago as Digital Marketing Manager and over the past 12 months Daniel has made a significant contribution to the online business".

Ian Smith, Chief Executive continued; “I am delighted to be joined by some of the old team to help achieve our goals.

“Ross has been appointed Finance Director and Company Secretary of Ocean Parcs responsible for all group companies. Stuart has been appointed Head of Compliance and will report to Ross. Clive will report to George Edwards, Operations Director of Pontin’s and will be responsible for our retail operations. In addition, Daniel's appointment is an excellent achievement in just a short period of time."

Chairman, Graham Parr further commented: "Given the current economic climate, the increase in bookings is an excellent performance from the team and I would like to thank them all for their efforts.

"Clearly no one is unaffected by market conditions and, as one of the UK's leading holiday companies; we want to ensure we provide outstanding value for money for our guests. That is why we are focused on delivering excellent second to none value UK holiday breaks at a price that suits all pockets".

Is there a social network for bird enthusiasts?

You've probably already guessed that there is, as that'd be a spectacularly random question for us to ask if there wasn't.



Seems remarkably similar in style to the one for dentists. It's almost as if some man is using an off-the-shelf social network tool and is throwing them out at a rate of one a week in the hope that one develops some sort of "traction," builds a significant user base and is eventually acquired by Google for £17.5m so he can retire to a life of winter sun and £250-an-hour prostitutes. Good luck.

Bird Social Network is Flying High

Bird Network, a leading social network for bird enthusiasts worldwide, has been launched this month. The website has already had a successful beginning with hundreds of members taking interest and signing up.

Bird Network (http://www.bird-networks.com) encourages members to share their passion with fellow members, by uploading images or videos of their latest bird spot, blogging about their sightings or stories, interacting on the discussion forums, and uploading their own news stories, press releases and white papers. Bird Network welcomes bird enthusiasts of all kinds, from bird watchers, to twitchers, to those who admire from their garden habitat.

"The feedback on Bird Network has been fantastic" says Kate Cummings, Online Editor of Bird Network. "Our members are very passionate about birding, and are keen to share stories and photographs from their trips and sightings. Many of our members are avid bloggers, and share some amazing stories."

The site has launched in its initial beta version, and has additional site content and applications being added to compel the user experience, such as the daily updated news feed. Bird Network is associated with Horse Network (http://www.horse-networks.com) the leading dedicated social network for all things equine.

The Nokia N97 and LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY!

The N97's a widescreen touchscreen phone, only with a slide-out keyboard - almost as if Nokia's admitting touchscreens aren't as good as buttons and is giving people a sensible option as well.



The international hand gesture for 3.5" screen.



The stunning N97 did its job and impressed the lady. Now it's back to her house to worry about being able to get an erection, because the idea of casual sex doesn't seem so impressive now it's 3.30am and you're going to have to go to work tomorrow in the same clothes and with a hangover. And her dad or husband might still be awake.



THEFT SCENARIO #1



Yeah, that's us. Casually standing at the bus stop, nonchalantly organising our collection of photos we've just taken on the tube without them noticing.



Brilliant image. Nokia's "suggested use" of the N97 is poking it through pub windows at girls you don't know. Run away quickly, before her male friends beat you up and stamp on your memory card!



Minuscule QWERTY option for lady and male media employee-sized fingers.

Dramatic dog photograph

Here's a possible idea for a new feature - dramatic photographs of dogs. Dogs that look like kings. Dogs that will go on the sofa WHENEVER THEY DAMN WELL LIKE as you're only needed because they haven't learned to work the tin opener yet.



He has a GPS collar because he's expensive and if he gets run over you're not having a new one and will have to start being interested in the poor, neglected guinea pigs again. If they're still alive.

Happy Birthday, Mrs Samsung!

Mrs Samsung celebrated her 102nd birthday on Monday, with staff going the extra mile to ensure she had a wonderful day!



She's lived in a home in Seoul since her husband - and founder of Samsung - passed away in 1962.

Clipboard manufacturers sign mutually beneficial agreement

Tan-Shen Clipboards Inc. has signed a deal with Millennium Clipboards to supply 100,000 Charcoal Grey clipboards to the Korean distributor over the next five years.



In return, Millennium Clipboards is exporting its critically acclaimed Pure Black clipboard to Taiwan. Trade between the two countries has been fraught of late - this move should go some way toward thawing out relations.

Bags with FACES#8: An orange manbag

The least-thrilling and most occasional feature in internet history is back. Thankfully, due to how the pages work, it'll soon scroll away into oblivion and we can all say we don't remember it if anyone asks.



"A bag with a face. The Pretty Boy 5500 (XXL). It's looking a little worried, possibly about the illness which has turned it orange."



"Also a hedge with a face. I think it's a rabbit. Perhaps it was sculpted by the teeth of the local rabbits as some kind of idol" - Rik.

Amateur Motorola RAZR holding *NSFW*

Taken from here. Spotted by "Hugo" who was presumably hanging around on Google searching for this sort of thing.



We'll take the one on the left or the one on the right, as they have some sort of worth.

Static non-powered objects with FACES #21: The sky at night

The bloody BBC has only gone and jumped on the electrifying things-with-faces bandwagon. It'd better not steal EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES.

This is Venus, Jupiter and the Moon, coming together in face form to worship Idiot Toys.



"Darren" emailed this in and we decided not to use it as it's fairly irrelevant even in the current climate. But then "Tim" emailed it in as well, so, in the face of overwhelming public interest, we've decided to use it after all.

INTEL PRESS ROOM HIGHLIGHTS: Futuristic holding/sex robots

This is Intel's dream of what women will all look like in some distant future, when they can be grown to order in vats in only 28 days.



If you pre-order two you get a free phone of your choice.



The blue restraint collar stops them running more than 20 meters away from a wireless local base station.

"Here is a photo of lots of smug Mac owners"

We've been forgetting to hate Mac users and students recently. Here's a superb combination photo to print out and wipe up dog sick with later today.



Taken off some French bloke's Flickr account and sent in by a man called "Andy" who said we could "leave it for the slowest news day in history" - ie, today.

EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES: Intel's Eric Mentzer, general manager of the chipset and graphic development group

It's Monday! It's Idiot Toys! This can only mean we've spent the entire weekend trawling the internet for photos of men with moustaches and it is therefore time for... EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES!



Eric here is boasting a classic 'Mr Potato Head' moustache. And a classic 'Mr Potato Head' face and a classic 'Mr Potato Head' head. He has one of those rare faces that gets funnier the more you look at it.



And here's the first spin-off, even though it's probably way too soon in this feature's life to start subverting it - EXECUTIVE EYEBROWS, featuring Intel's Stephen Smith.

Incidentally, as you might've just gathered, the Intel press room is so full of hi-res joy we don't know where to start. There's a 74.9MB TIFF of some "lifestyle" photography downloading as we type that we probably won't even use, for example.



If you could all spend 30 minutes trawling through the Intel site and picking out any fine examples today, it'd be a great help.

The Nikon D3X can do 6048 x 4032

Remember those numbers. We'll be able to spot its handiwork in future.



This image is 400 x 300 to give you an idea of scale. It was taken with the free camera that came attached to something else.