CELEBRITY HOLDING: Avril Lavigne getting her mucky hands on a Canon DSLR

You wouldn't want to use it after her, it'd be all grimy and would smell like an ashtray. Although it might be nice if she'd forgotten to format the memory card and left loads of private photos on there you could (a) wank over or (b) sell, depending on your opinion of the mucky pop-rock starlet.



"Working with Canon Canada is truly exciting for me, as I'm a huge photography fan" she said. Or had someone say for her so she could stay in the bath full of yellow M&Ms, or whatever it is these rich rock kids do.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: David Beckham with a starter platter

Give him something soft so he doesn't hurt himself.



This was taken at a promotional photograph opportunity at which David "Becksy" Beckham talked about the health benefits of fish fingers, presumably in return for a £25k appearance fee and a year's supply of free fish fingers. Life isn't fair.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Frank Lampard once again fails to deliver on the international stage

Despite sitting before an array of gadgets placed within easy reach, Lampard failed to hold even one.



The crowd looked on in disappointment. Steven Gerrard (not pictured) didn't even make it to the right room.

ABOUT THIS UPDATE
It's a football joke. We are attempting to broaden our appeal to mechanics and proper men who lift things as part of their job instead of all you IT wimps.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Maria Sharapova and a pink Powershot

She gets around a bit. Sony Ericsson won't be happy about this. It may well be for charity, but Maria's under contract to Sony Ericsson for all that fashion nonsense and really shouldn't be promoting Canon products.



It's for charity. Don't say anything rude about, say, massaging her aching legs after a match and then her starting to enjoy it and then letting you massage anything else you want. And take photos and a movie to sell for $400,000. That would not be a caption befitting of a charitable photograph.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Fergie and Wyclef Jean working with Motorola

We've heard of these people. They're presenters on CBBC. Or DJs. She was Doctor Who's assistant and he played for Manchester City for the first half of last season. No, wait! They're in a band. ABBA.



These images are to promote something Motorola is calling the "MOTOROKR STAR" campaign. We could not be bothered to read the press release to find out what it's to do with. Probably a concert aimed at selling phones to youths and getting them signed up to something that costs £19.99 a month.



An extremely casual "sit near" from Wyclef here. He could at least LOOK at the product.



The ego-mad star has completely marginalised the product. It's all HER HER HER. She's palmed it! Inconsiderate cow.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Top model Lily Cole having a go on a Sony Reader

Has a surprisingly hairy face for a woman that's apparently in so much demand for photographic work.



She's almost got a ginger goatee going on. We can only guess at the amount of Clone Tool work that must be going on in the Vogue office.

PREVIOUS CELEBRITY HOLDS:

Some girl band.

Usher.

"Superstar" DJ Paul Van Dyk.

Goldie Hawn.

Beyonce and that woman out of Texas.

Elisha Cuthbert and Samuel L. Jackson.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Girl band "The Tenerions" and a Yamaha sound thing

The Tenorions are celebrities somewhere in the world.



Actually, they're not. They're a fictional girl-band dreamed up to promote the Yamaha Tenori-on. It's just an excuse for everyone in the world to look at some nice girls on work time.

"It's as easy and intuitive to pick up as Nintendo, but the results... well, we're creating art!"

Tenori-on: you've seen the lights, now meet the group!

It's a girl-band like no other: there are three of them, they're called The Tenorions and the only instruments they play are - you guessed it - three Yamaha Tenori-ons!

It's little wonder that in its short life the Tenori-on has had such a profound impact on music makers the world over. Artists are already creating albums using nothing but the Tenori-on, such is the power contained within that diminutive, brushed-aluminium casing. But Jason Air is taking the Tenori-on concept to a new level. With success in the worlds of Drum & Bass and Hip Hop, his latest venture sees him as the driving force behind the world's first band to create music exclusively with the Tenori-on. Fittingly, this trio of Oriental techno-heads goes by the name of... The Tenorions.

The band comprises core members Nynn and Cici, who write the uncompromising and driving techno tracks that have already become The Tenorions trademark sound. With increasing bookings for live gigs, third Tenorion Fiona joins them on stage to complete the trio. They've recently returned from a tour of Spain and Portugal and have further bookings coming in from around the world. Perhaps their strangest booking to date, but clearly the most high profile, has been a performance on the Paul O Grady Show in April of this year.

Jason puts their initial success down to the popularity of the Youtube videos he posted throughout the Spring, and as a result they've garnered coverage in the NME, The Independent, and dozens of tech and music blogs.

For Nynn, Cici and Fiona, a lifetime either studying or producing music has prepared them well for life in the Tenorions. To begin with Nynn and Cici would write the tunes, taking responsibility for melody and percussion respectively, but as time has passed they've both seen a natural progression towards composing complete tracks in their own right - and all, of course, within the confines of that hand-held silver box.

But just what is it about this unique instrument that's made the Tenorions and the Tenori-on such a hit with people worldwide? It's surely no coincidence that the girls are booked to play gigs almost for the rest of this year and into the next.

"I haven't seen anything like it before," Nynn tells us. "For us it shows a totally new way of creating music. And it's so much fun to play - it's as easy and intuitive to pick up as Nintendo, but the results... well, we're creating art!"

But, of course, the concept of working within new boundaries comes with a lot of fresh challenges, as Jason is quick to outline.

"It's totally changed the way we write music, for one thing. It's nothing like writing in [Apple] Logic, you know! One aspect of Tenori- on that makes it such an instant tool for composing is that there are no filters or complicated plug-ins to program or convoluted menus to navigate. As a result it makes us think of the music in a more 'musical' way, if that, er... makes any sense?! It's really easy to focus on the music and not get so caught up in the production side of making music. Ask any producer with a well-equipped modern studio and they'll all tell you that it's pretty easy to get side-tracked by the technology!"

"The great thing about composing with Tenori-on is that it's all right there at your fingertips. I guess that's the whole ethos of Tenori-on though. In Japanese it roughly translates to 'in the palm', and that's exactly what the Tenori-on system gives you - a way to create melodies and program rhythms right there in the palm of your hand."

An extended version of this feature will be at http://www.tenori-on.co.ukor http://www.global.yamaha.com/tenori-on/

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Usher and a Sony Ericsson duo

Sony logos in background ruin what would've been a pleasant celebrity hold.



Nice finger work. He must've worked in a mobile phone shop before hitting the big time. He's also clearly experienced at having two mobile phones at once, which is always a very suspicious sign. One for work and the family, plus a cheap pay-as-you-goer set to vibrate and hidden in the shed for arranging party time when the wife goes to visit her mum for a few days.

"Superstar" DJ Paul Van Dyk is happy to endorse Apple products

Lifestyle photography [tick]. Apple [tick]. Marketing people thinking DJs are the only cool people in the world [tick]. Pretentious words from an over-paid copywriter [tick].

It's the very latest in Apple celebrity endorsement schemes, clearly designed with the sole purpose of us getting angry and doing an update about it.



That's the last time we take our shirts off while pumping the air at one of his record concerts, or rave parties, or whatever it is the kids call their dancing get togethers these days.



Yeah, whatever. Just cash the cheque and load up your complimentary iPhone with your own music, you smug cock.

CELEBRITY HOLDING: Goldie Hawn

We are not feeling this. We would only feel this were at least $25,000 and five grammes of uncut cocaine to change hands, plus it would have to be in a very dark room and through a small hole in a sheet.



Maybe if this was the 1960s, and that was an original Mathmos lava lamp, and that was Jane Fonda, but not now.

CELEBRITY HOLDING double bill

Here's one of Beyonce having a go at it.



As you'd expect from the athletic young star, she's a natural. If we had to criticise, that dress is perhaps a little overpowering - viewers will be drawn to its semi-transparency and might not even notice the telephone thanks to analysing creases for possible signs of nipple.



That's Sharleen Spiteri out of that boring old band. She's not such a natural. This explains that downward sales blip Apple suffered last April.

Celebrities flock to the 6.0 megapixel Vivitar ViviCam 6200W underwater camera!

Who would've thought that the likes of Samuel L. Jackson and Elisha Cuthbert would be such fans of underwater photography?



She loves it!



He loves it! And is about to jump into that swimming pool behind him and do some serious underwater photography!



And one of the thing, which cleverly adheres to The Beatles' advice that things that go underwater should be in yellow. It's nice that the lens looks like a port hole. That shows they really thought through the design.

It even has a self timer for taking photos of yourself underwater. And if you do that, you will be the first person in the world.

THE PRESS RELEASE:
The stylish 6-Megapixel ViviCam 6200W is the perfect companion to any outdoor activity, with waterproof capabilities up to 30ft./10 meters. The camera features a 4X digital zoom, a 2" LCD display, SD card support and a yellow rubberized exterior for enhanced ruggedness and durability. The camera also features a focus free lens, video mode, self-timer, multiple flash modes and works seamlessly with both Macs and PCs.

"We are very excited to debut the first consumer underwater digital camera this summer. We feel that the ViviCam 6200W is a fresh take on our long heritage of quality and innovation in the photography industry," said Abbas Bhanji, CEO, Vivitar Europe.

The ViviCam 6200W is available now through select retail outlets, including www.amazon.co.uk and Sit Up TV. RRP £129.99