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It's for a company that makes stairs. The MD of Stairflight Ltd thought that a GREAT thing to do would be to make a little montage of all the different types of stairs his company imports and sells, then stick his face in the middle of it.



We are not interested in buying any of the stairs, but would be keen in having an 80" x 60" canvas print of this image to put on the wall of the bedroom. It's a definite cure for premature ejaculation. And could even eradicate all ejaculation entirely.

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Miserable farmers. They're thinking "I hope that bloody dog isn't worrying my sheep" and fretting about all the outstanding paperwork from the EU.



Cheer up, guys! It could be worse. You could be on the internet all day. Yes, it sounds easy, but by 5.30pm you just want to start crying and go to bed. At least you get to go outside whenever you like and occasionally see trees and grass, plus there's air to breathe that isn't 80% humidity from other people's sweat.

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It's for carpets! An interior design company has had the AMAZING idea of promoting a red carpet by linking it to Valentine's Day, as if you're so desperate to pull you'd even re-carpet your flat if it meant getting a girl to consent to coming in and lying down.



Here's is the Your Floors list of ways to impress your date this Valentine's Day. One of them is to do with carpeting. It sticks out from the rest.

SNUGGLE UP THIS VALENTINE'S DAY with expert advice from yourfloors.co.uk

'Red Hot' Stainaway Shaggy carpet

The most romantic day of the year is almost upon us and many of us will be thinking about doing something special for our loved one. However, with money in short supply during the recession, a candlelit supper for two at an exclusive restaurant may not be an option this year.

Laura Cohen, Interiors Specialist at www.yourfloors.co.uk believes you can create a romantic setting for Valentine's Day in the comfort of your own home and on a tight budget. Just follow her top five tips below and you and your partner will be seeing hearts before your eyes.

1. Have a tidy up - you won't be able to relax if you're sitting amongst clutter, so put away anything that shouldn't be out on display.

2. Comfort is key - sensuous fabrics and textures are great for getting you in the mood for love, so make sure there are plenty of cushions scattered around the room for you and your partner to lounge on. Also, there's nothing nicer than sinking your bare toes into a plush rug, which has the added bonus of bringing warmth into the room. Try the luscious Orkney rug (from £35 including VAT and delivery) from www.yourfloors.co.uk for ultimate cosiness. Of course, the colour of romance is red and there's nothing sexier than sitting with your loved one on a flame coloured shaggy carpet. Take a look at the delectable 'Red Hot' Stainaway Shaggy carpet (from £25.72 per sq metre including VAT and delivery) from www.yourfloors.co.uk and see if it ignites the passion in your relationship!

3. Dim the lights - if you want to raise passion levels, lower the lighting. This is easy to achieve with dimmer switches, but if you don't have those then try putting on some lamps in the corner of the room rather than the main light. Alternatively, candles create an amorous atmosphere, but you must remember to blow them out before you're swept up in the moment!

4. Luscious love songs - it's important to indulge all your senses and music plays a key part in setting the scene for your romantic evening in. If love songs aren't your thing, then try some gentle jazz or tender classical tracks.

5. The way to a man's heart - and a woman's for that matter is with food. If you don't want to go to the trouble of cooking a meal then why not prepare a platter of delicious delicacies such as smoked salmon, strawberries and chocolates. Take them through to the living room and enjoy the Valentine's Day fare whilst sipping champagne sitting on the rug or sumptuous and sexy carpet in front of the fire.

The perfect Valentine's Day needn't cost the earth. With a little thought and a few modifications to the home, you and your partner could enjoy a wonderfully romantic evening without having to step out of the front door.

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It's the Isolite Dryfield Illuminator, which combines lighting and retraction AND suction in one handy unit!



And has been successfully doing so since 2005. Imagine the gallons of saliva it has collected from that poor lady alone. There's a barrel full round the back.



It's a 'big ask' to make this thing look glamorous.

Isolite Dryfield Illuminator Wins "Townie Choice" Award for the Fourth Straight Year

Hot Product is Fueling Company's Growth; 2009 Brings New Facility and Expanded Staffing

SANTA BARBARA, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--For the fourth year in a row, Isolite Systems took home a coveted "Townie Choice" Award from Dentaltown magazine for its unique dental product — the Isolite dryfield illuminator.

The Isolite dryfield illuminator is an innovative dental tool that combines the functions of light, suction and retraction into a single device solving many of the frustrations that dental professionals deal with on a daily basis.

Isolite Systems is using the momentum of this and other recent product accolades to grow its business in a time when many businesses are contracting. This year, the company will be adding additional staff and moving into a new facility in Santa Barbara that will encompass new offices, expanded manufacturing and assembly capabilities, and a warehouse.

"We launched our original Isolite through the Dentaltown web community, and if it wasn't for the 'Townies', we’d never be where we are today," said Sandi Hirsch, General Manager of Isolite Systems. "We owe the ‘Townies’ a debt of gratitude."

Hirsch added that because the Isolite increases dental operatory productivity by 20 - 30%, its popularity is leading to increased business and company growth.

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Odd-looking man allowed near children!



That's the computer he used to arrange this sick clandestine meeting. He would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for the official civic photographer and one of their mums sensing something wasn't quite right and deciding to come along.



The perfectly rational explanation now follows.

'Bridges' event now online

3 November 2008

Online entry is now available for the 'Between The Bridges' charity race, which will take place on Sunday 8 March, to mark the completion of the £103 million Westlink/M1 improvement scheme.

The 10K road race and 5K fun run will start at Broadway, from where it will go up to Stockman's Lane, down to Clifton Street and back to Broadway, using the M1 and Westlink as its course.

To enter the event log on to www.betweenthebridges.org.uk

The 'Between The Bridges' race, in aid of the Northern Ireland Hospice, is organised by Cumann Spoirt an Phobail and the Greater Village Regeneration Trust. It is supported by Belfast City Council, Sport Northern Ireland, the Community Relations Council and the Department for Regional Development.

This event is also supported by Cooperation Ireland, the Deep RiverRock Belfast City Marathon, Athletics Northern Ireland, Belfast Community Sports Development Network and HMC.

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Some business people have joined the team at Pontins. They don't have moustaches and they're not looking majestic and confident, so we can't take them seriously.



The man in the middle is sweating from being that near some uncovered skin. Here's a press release about Pontins, as it seems rude to use the picture without publishing its associated news.

Pontin's Announce that bookings continue to rise

Pontin's announced today that festive 2008 bookings are up by 11% on 2007 and that summer bookings for 2009 are up 20%.

Ocean Parcs, the investment Company that acquired Pontin's in March 2008 for £46million is delighted with the increase in bookings.

Chief Executive, Ian Smith commented: ‘’ The new management team is targeting growth through maximising the untapped potential within the business. Our strategy is to ensure we deliver outstanding value for money and this has clearly contributed to the increase in bookings. I am also pleased to report that the increase has come from both repeat customers and new customers alike. 2009 will be a challenging year for everyone, not least the leisure industry but with our new pricing strategy and product line up we are confident when we say ‘’ if you can find a better value British family holiday elsewhere……………then take it’’.

Chairman Graham Parr commented: "Our strategy for this business is proving to be exactly on track. We have focused our efforts and strengths on the Pontin's core business and the results speak for themselves. This coupled with more and more people relying on the traditional British holiday to give them the affordability to enjoy themselves in these difficult times.

"Our thinking is clear over the coming 12 months which will see us continue to drive the business further as there is I believe substantial opportunities available within the core Pontin's business that are yet to be unleashed.

"I am also delighted to announce the appointments of Ross Faith, Stuart Kay and Clive Dormer. All three of them previously played pivotal roles with Ian in the highly successful team at Matalan during its phenomenal growth period.

"I am also pleased to announce an internal appointment; Daniel Martin has been appointed Marketing Manager effective immediately. Daniel joined the business just 18 months ago as Digital Marketing Manager and over the past 12 months Daniel has made a significant contribution to the online business".

Ian Smith, Chief Executive continued; “I am delighted to be joined by some of the old team to help achieve our goals.

“Ross has been appointed Finance Director and Company Secretary of Ocean Parcs responsible for all group companies. Stuart has been appointed Head of Compliance and will report to Ross. Clive will report to George Edwards, Operations Director of Pontin’s and will be responsible for our retail operations. In addition, Daniel's appointment is an excellent achievement in just a short period of time."

Chairman, Graham Parr further commented: "Given the current economic climate, the increase in bookings is an excellent performance from the team and I would like to thank them all for their efforts.

"Clearly no one is unaffected by market conditions and, as one of the UK's leading holiday companies; we want to ensure we provide outstanding value for money for our guests. That is why we are focused on delivering excellent second to none value UK holiday breaks at a price that suits all pockets".

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The only idea dog food companies have to illustrate how tasty their dog food is is to have people look like they're eating it. Or at least putting their faces and mouths very near it because it smells SO GOOD and they're seriously thinking about putting milk on it and having it for lunch.



That stupid dog ought to put its head in the bowl, not wrestle with the man for the spoonful.

Have we featured dog acting before?
Yes we have!

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This one's been issued on behalf of National Stop Running Women Over With Your Car month. Since the campaign first first went public in 2002, 40% less women get run over by cars every year.



So remember, November is National Stop Running Women Over With Your Car month. Be responsible. Women have feelings, as proven by scientists as long ago as 1981.

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A major corporation has decided to invent a month for publicity purposes. That organisation is Sara Lee Douwe Egberts, the maker of lady-product Sanex. The month is Healthy Skin Month.

To illustrate this it sent out a photo of lots of women bending over.



Here's the press release, so you know this is a valid promotional image and not just some weird bending over pornography we innocently stumbled across and accidentally saved to a folder.

FREE EXPERT ADVICE THROUGHOUT HEALTHY SKIN MONTH (NOV)

* Submitted by: The Bottom Line Consultancy
* Monday, 13 October 2008

Celebrate your skin throughout November

Your skin is your largest organ, and one of the most vital. Yet many of us fail to ensure that our skin has all it needs to stay healthy.

That's why this November's Healthy Skin Month, proudly supported by Sanex, is focusing on your skin's 3 fundamental rights to stay healthy. The right to... Protection, Natural pH balance and Moisturisation.

FREE EXPERT ADVICE THROUGHOUT HEALTHY SKIN MONTH

Celebrate healthy skin and get free expert advice throughout November from leading skin specialists; Matthew Patey CEO for the British Skin Foundation, Dr Bav Shergill, Consultant Dermatologist based in Brighton and Dr Sue Mayou, Consultant Dermatologist based in London.

Visit www.healthyskinmonth.co.uk for more information and you can also watch Matthew, Bav and Sue in a live web TV show on Wednesday 5th November at 12pm. They'll be discussing the 3 rights to healthy skin and answering your questions. (Put your questions to the experts through the website.)

PROTECTION. DID YOU KNOW...?
...the average adult has 2 square metres of skin weighing over 3Kg
...strengthening your skin's own protection barrier builds healthier skin that is more resilient and less likely to be sensitive
...all Sanex bath and shower products have the added benefit of Zinc, which works with your skin to strengthen its own defences

NATURAL pH BALANCE. DID YOU KNOW...?
...your skin's natural pH level is generally between 5.5 and 6.0
...your skin has to actively work harder to rebalance its pH
...Sanex's Dermo Active 3 formulations have a low pH, which makes it easier for your skin to remain at its natural best

MOISTURISATION. DID YOU KNOW...?
...your skin is alive and constantly growing and has approximately 300 million skin cells
...your skin needs a certain level of moisture to stay soft, hydrated and young looking
...Sanex has added more moisturising agents to its best-loved products, to give your skin advanced nourishment

Sanex believes your skin has 3 fundamental rights and that's why their new Dermo Active 3 formulations actively work with your skin to help keep it protected, moisturised and balanced.

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Disgusting slag meets disgusting foodstuff. Sent in by a man called "Netizen" who was no doubt innocently browsing Google Images for high-resolution photographs of forks when he stumbled across the following in horror.



That's called a Lucy Pinder. It is eating a Pot Noodle.



The web site we took these photos off is covered in animating images of arses and tits, so we cannot provide a link to the source.



You'll just have to find your own photos of tits and arses today.



It shouldn't be very hard.

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How to get ahead in business.



1. Comb your hair lots.
2. Wear a suit from the 1980s.
3. Borrow your dad's old glasses.
4. Clap when told to.

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It's a promotional photograph of the too-ugly-to-be-that-smarmy Quentin Wilson. A man that ugly ought to just shut up and go back to living with his mum and stalking female newsreaders, rather than appearing on the news as a "talking head" regarding motoring issues that Jeremy Clarkson's too busy to discuss.



Zoom in on his face. It will make you feel better about your face.



During the course of research for this incredible update, we discovered that Quentin Wilson is promoting himself by purchaing adverts on Google. Whenever someone Googles "Quentin Wilson" a link to his web site appears in the Sponsored Links bit. Isn't that interesting?

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If you're so VERY SERIOUS about the internet that being denied the opportunity to change your Facebook status to something wacky like "is having a man stand a bit too close to me" while having your haircut seems like torture, here's the answer.



Who would want hair all over their laptop? One single hair on the keyboard is enough to have us breaking out the wet wipes in a hygiene/germs panic.

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This isn't an Apple photograph. It's from a company that makes Mac software and that wants to be associated with the Mac lifestyle.



The Mac lifestyle is sitting in public places and hoping that people see you using your Mac.

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Something Sony has invented called a "Bio Battery." It will be more expensive than regular batteries. It will only become popular with AV enthusiasts.



You have to click on it to see her at full size. It's mesmerising. Her skin. It would tear so easily.

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It's for dog food. Dog food so tasty that humans can't resist picking up a spoon and diving right in too.



If you're going to do it, at least do it properly - smear it all over your genitals and get a German film crew in.

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A Lamborghini shop opened up in Las Vegas. Not the best move given these troubled financial times, but still. It gave lots of old men a chance to stand around looking at women in swimwear, and, for once, no money had to change hands.



More here. The resolution maxes out at a pathetic 1280, so we respectfully suggest Jalopnik sends someone with a grown-up fucking camera out to product launches in future. Your laptop webcam really won't do.

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It's Midlands butcher Clare Barry! Looking orangey and standing in front of a wide selection of cuts.



She has crumbs by her mouth, and no one told her about it.

Flood hit family butcher finds taste of nationwide success online

A long-established Midlands butcher has 'reinvented' the company to become a booming national online retailer - after a 'dreadful year' of being hit by floods, the credit crunch and competition from supermarket giants.

Clare Lusted, from www.clarebarry.co.uk says she and her father Barry realised they needed to take 'drastic action' when their shop became deserted last summer - as the surrounding streets in Evesham, Worcestershire, were submerged under six feet of water.

"Evesham was a ghost town, we were stranded at work, we looked at each other and just thought why don't we really push this internet thing?" said Clare.

"The water didn't come into our shop on the High Street, but our customers were in caravans - they'd had to move out of their homes - who wants a freezer full of meat in a caravan? And there was no barbecue season - who wants a floating barbecue?"

Clare says that as well as the floods, the business, established for 25 years, was also hit by cut-price competition from supermarkets as cash-strapped customers were attracted by multi-million pound advertising campaigns.

And she feared for the future of High Street shops because of spiralling fuel and parking costs.

But the site - which only sells meat from animals reared by UK farmers, built up more than 2,000 customers in just five months after the floods.

She said: "Our customers know it's more economical to buy meat from us than the supermarket due to its superior quality and taste.

"We still have strong local trade. But we knew there was potentially a nationwide market for high quality meat and we were really keen to continue to support British farmers.

Now Clare has overseen a rehaul of the website at www.clarebarry.co.uk and is spearheading a new marketing push.

She added: "With the UK becoming ever more health conscious, people generally seem to be seeking more healthy and economical options.

"We've found that people want the convenience of a supermarket but the quality of the local butcher. They are beginning to understand now that you can have fresh meat delivered and due to technological advances, its quality is not going to suffer in transit.

"Online meat trading is in its early years and many people still don't yet understand it's possible. Trust from customers can be an issue with a website - but we deliver what we say we will and customers come back.

"People also appreciate the quality of traditional farm reared meat. Even in these days of tightened household budgets, it's not all about competing on price. Comparing what we deliver to supermarket meat can be a false economy...it's like comparing Ford to Mercedes."

For more information, please contact Clare on [WE CANNOT DO THIS TO HER, WE'D HATE TO SEE TEARS RUNNING THROUGH THE FAKE TAN]

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Someone emailed out a bitmap. That's the internet equivalent of putting dog poo on your doorstep. Shameful.



If you're unsure, just JPEG it. It's the safest way.

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A darts player has been sponsored. Guess who by? It's not by Sony. It's not by Samsung. It's not by Calvin Klein or Guess. So who would sponsor a darts player?



Mr Porky would sponsor a darts player. Who'd have thought a pork scratchings manufacturer would use the phrase "brand values"?

Porky's Plan to Paint the Net Pink

PDC darts star Peter Manley

Britain's best selling brand of pork scratchings has an exciting new interactive home on the web.

Mr Porky has checked into his very own virtual pub, complete with talking barmaid, beer pumps, darts board and quiz machine.

Fans of the iconic snack range, a particular favourite among pub goers, can log on to access the latest Mr Porky news and download piggy themed desktop wallpapers.

They can also meet professional darts ace Peter 'One Dart' Manley, who is sponsored by the Porky brand, and throw a leg or two of online arrows.

Sarah Nunn, GB marketing controller for Mr Porky, said: "With the ever growing popularity of darts and our ongoing association with Peter Manley, this is the perfect time to boost Mr Porky's online presence.

"The site totally reflects our brand values - fun, quirky and always up for a laugh. We will be using it to maximise consumer awareness of the ever improving Mr Porky range."

Eighteen million bags of Mr Porky scratchings, crackles and pork crunch are manufactured every year. As well as pubs, the snacks can be found in supermarkets, convenience stores, petrol forecourts, off licences and cash and carries around the country.

Pay a visit to Porky's pub at http://www.mrporky.co.uk

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This one is promoting car insurance, by illustrating the fact that all you need to do to get wanked off in a lay-by is wear a traffic cop uniform you bought off eBay.



Yorkshire women will do pretty much anything, it turns out.

Diva drivers flirt to keep a clean licence

Flirtatious females admit to using their feminine charm to flirt their way out of a parking ticket.

A YouGov survey has revealed that one in four women drivers would give a bat of their eyelashes or a hint of cleavage as means of avoiding or reducing penalty points.

In a survey of 2,181 drivers Diva, a new sophisticated, comprehensive car insurance provider specifically designed for women found that 34% of 18-24 year olds said they'd give or would consider giving a traffic warden the come on - brandishing young women as the most brazen behind the wheel.

The mature driver has more driving decorum, with 61% of over 45 year olds refusing to even consider flirting if caught flouting the law.

Drivers from Yorkshire displayed the most temptress tendencies - 25% said they'd turn on the charm if faced with potential penalty points, while 7% of Londoners admitted to already having had a go at charming their way out of trouble.

Head of Diva, Kaye Sutcliffe said: "Diva is car insurance designed specifically for women, and we wanted to delve into a diva's mind and see what makes us girls tick. At Diva we think women are better drivers which is why we have negotiated such excellent rates for women. But I'm not sure guys realise just how shrewd women are when it comes to getting themselves out of trouble. Flirting is just one more device divas deploy to get what they want behind the wheel."

Diva shops around to find the best quotes on car insurance for women. Visit Diva's new website www.divainsurance.co.uk to see the competitive deals available for women drivers and useful motoring advice on everything from lessons in car maintenance to tips on how to buy a second hand car.

ENDS

Picture Caption:
A diva driver attempting to flirt her way out of a parking ticket!


Notes to Editors
• All figures are from YouGov Plc. Total sample size was 2,181 adults. Fieldwork was undertaken from 4th to 7th July 2008. The survey was carried out online. The figures have been weighted and are representative of all GB adults (aged 18+).

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Ladies deodorant promotional photography!



Something's not right here. Something's been Photoshopped out to keep Sainsbury's and ASDA happy. It would also appear the bosom has been created with the clone tool, using what a 12-year-old imagines a bosom looks like as a guide.

We're doing this update as everything we submit to Photoshop Disasters gets ignored. It's not nice being on the receiving end.

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It's a Maasai Warrior helping out with the business strategy of a fire alarm company that's based in Petersfield.



Anything seems like a good and exciting idea when you work in middle management at a fire alarm company that's based in Petersfield.

Learn to improve your business strategy from the Great Maasai Warriors

Maasai teaching the pearls of wisdom

As the UK business environment gets tougher, success and growth requires original leadership, real imagination and doing things differently.

Dave Green, Managing Director of Petersfield-based Channel Safety Systems, a market leader in emergency lighting and fire alarm systems, has done just that by embarking on a series of adventures with the Kenyan Maasai Warriors, spending time with remote tribes in Papua New Guinea and hosting warrior business training courses in the UK.

The warriors use ancient tradition and experience of a life far removed from what we know to teach how to boost sales and personal development, and improve staff retention and customer focus using personal resources. These include confidence, courage, responsibility, humility, pride, respect, dignity, clarity and a sense of belonging.

The Maasai can help directors with strategy planning and reassessing core values for business and personal life. Since Dave began investing in this life-coaching model from the warriors four year ago, he has doubled Channel's sales from £4m to £9m.

A former under-fifteen goalie for Chelsea, Dave passionately believes that unlocking success today requires thinking and acting differently, and on Wednesday, July 23 Dave Green will be hosting a very special event where you can spend a day with eight Maasai Warriors at Butser Ancient Farm in Hampshire.

He promises it will be a valuable experience for everyone who attends:

"Based on my own experiences with the Maasai I believe you will find this a thoroughly thought-provoking experience which will enable you to look at your business from new, different and fresh perspectives."

"As part of my own development as well as to obtain fresh perspectives for Channel, I have been on a number of short journeys with employees, customers and suppliers to Kenya, Papua New Guinea and the Great Wall of China. Some of my most rewarding experiences were when I spent time with the Maasai in Kenya. I found their culture, based on mutual respect, courage and finding long-term solutions rather than quick, short term fixes entirely relevant to the Channel business. It helped me make a number of very important decisions."

If you would like more information on how to attend this unique and innovative event and ultimately improve your business strategy with astounding results, call Anthony Willoughby on 07939 042 266 or email: anthony@iwnc.com

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It's a woman demonstrating how a female urinal works. It is, frankly, one of the biggest missed opportunities in the entire history of promotional photography.



She is having fun. From here. Sent in by a man called "Abid" who was presumably rather disappointed to have his piss-porn browsing session interrupted by a boring old gadget site.

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You know you're getting old when those weird asexual goth kids off the internet are old enough to drive.



Don't laugh. Those are the keys to your girlfriend. She's always wanted to try sex with someone who knows about the new types of music.

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It's a man in his shed. He is illustrating the fact that men like to spend a lot of time in the shed nowadays, preferably behind the security of a locked door, thanks to the rise in popularity of TV programmes like Sex and The City and anything with Graeme Norton in.



SHED-BASED PRESS RELEASE!

FATHERS IN SHED LOAD OF RISK

Pottering among the paint pots and tired old tools in the ramshackle shed has long been dad's escape route, but with many fathers now seeing the shed as a second living room the value of its contents have mushroomed.

The Great British garden shed is just as likely to house a laptop and iPod as a ladder or weed killer and Swinton is advising fathers not to lead insurers up the garden path when it comes to the value of expensive items kept in the shed.

Bikes, sprinkler systems, electric hedge clippers, cordless drills, strimmers, jet hoses, summer lights, gas BBQ's, digital radios and even laptops, iPods and TVs have become everyday items housed in the shed.
A poll by the leading high street insurance retailer, Swinton, has revealed that the value of the average garden shed has trebled in the last ten years as a direct result of wireless internet and the growing trend for smart push bikes as more dads dabble with the carless commute to work.

From the 2,000 males surveyed*, 30% of them estimated the like-for-like cost of replacing the contents of their garden shed to be over £700, 37% at over £500, 22% at over £1,000 and 6% over £1,500. Only 5% valued the contents at less than £500.

Chris Collings Insurer Development Director at Swinton said: "Sheds full of top notch gear are a goldmine for thieves so it's important to keep them secure and locked up. Car boot sales are full of stolen bikes and fly mowers. If you leave your shed unlocked then you might not be covered by your home contents policy so it pays to keep your items under lock and key. It's also worth keeping receipts as proof of purchase."

Swinton's top tips to keeping your garden safe:

• Lock away all tools and equipment and ensure your shed is securely locked when not in use - cover windows with wire mesh on the inside.
• Use plant protection such as thorny shrubs on border fencing
• Use trellis fencing as a noisy and irksome deterrent to climbing and consider anti-climb paint for drains pipes and wall tops
• Install security lighting which comes on automatically
• Extend your burglar alarm to cover outbuildings and sheds
• Mark expensive items such as lawnmowers and bikes with your postcode
• Check home contents insurance smallprint to see if it covers the contents of your garden and garden shed or summer house
• Join your Neighbourhood watch scheme
• Consider bringing the most expensive items into the house when you go on holiday.

- ENDS -

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Hot on the heels of Lappygate comes another sensational PR coup from Asus! Always good to see a branded lady, plus they would appear to be role-playing "going on a picnic."



They are celebrating the existence of the Eee 901 and 1000. In lieu of our free Eee PC that never arrived, we'll make do with 40 minutes with the one on the left who we could squint and pretend was Aleks Krotoski.

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Three cheers for Quantum Search & Selection, which is showing a superb awareness of perspective with this one, plus it also knows the importance of putting the most presentable woman in the company at the front of the shot.



The haircut says 'crazy Dutch lesbian' but the engagement and wedding rings would suggest otherwise.

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Abi Titmuss holding a glass.



The surprising thing about this photo is that it's not a pint glass full of jism and/or piss, plus you can only see about 3% of the surface area of her horrendous tits.

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An amazingly tight lawn. This is how tight the lawns of Berlin were mown during the height of the Nazi regime. Stunning uniformity, even up to the borders.



Imagine being old. Imagine your only concern being how straight the lawn is mown. Instinct says this sort of straightness can only come from decades of practise.

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A company did a survey about bedtime habits. This is how it chose to illustrate the fact that people often use gadgets in bed.



The whole press release now follows. It's a good one, plus it's almost certainly quite relevant.

PS:
The GEMMA ATKINSON PROMOTIONAL PHOTO ALERT has just been sounded on UKR. She's holding a variety of game controllers, although, sadly, there is a man in a few of the images.

BRITS SWAP SEX DRIVES FOR HARD DRIVES

Sex drives are being swapped for hard drives as a quarter of British couples admit to sleeping separately on a regular basis.

According to the results of a survey by The Sleep Council for National Bed Month (March), the British bed is in danger of becoming more of a communications hub than a place for sleep as eight out of 10 people boot up a variety of hi-tech gadgets before bedtime.

The survey, to discover how The Great British Bedtime is changing, found a glass of water and separate beds are replacing cocoa and cuddles at bedtime.

After cleaning their teeth with an electric toothbrush and setting the alarm on their Blackberry or mobile (22%), the average adult slips, exhausted, into bed between 10 and 11pm. 40% rarely or sometimes go to bed at the same time as their partner while one in four couples admit to always or regularly sleeping separately.

The bed itself is now more likely to be a bedstead (40%) than a divan (39%) with mattresses featuring such luxuries or modern innovations as pocket springs (30%) memory foam (11%), no-turn (10%) and anti-allergy options (6%). And before people lie down, charging up electrical appliances (22%) has definitely taken over from prayers (10%) as part of our bedtime routine.

"Busy night time routines are driving couples' bedtimes and even their bedrooms apart," says Jessica Alexander of The Sleep Council, "Nine per cent of those questioned admitted to always sleeping separately from their partner."

Hardly surprising when you discover what people do in bed. One in three of us makes phone calls and sends or receives text or emails in bed. A further one in five keeps busy checking up on social networking sites such as Facebook, playing a computer game or listening to MP3 players.

Whether separately or together, bedtime for many (40%) on workday nights is between 10 and 11pm although for one in eight shattered souls 9pm is nearer the mark. 25 - 34-year-olds are the most likely to fall into this category. 56% of that age group describe themselves as usually very tired or shattered when they go to bed.

It may explain why that age group, more than any other (38% as opposed to the average 32%) is most likely to own a bed less than five years old. "If people aren't taking any notice of advice to keep the bedroom as a sanctuary of quiet and rest, then they at least understand that a decent, regularly replaced bed equals a decent night's sleep," said Jessica.

Advice on what NOT to drink at bedtime often goes unheeded too. While water - tap, bottled or sparkling - is the single most popular drink among a third of those questioned, many others admitted to taking coffee (9%), alcohol (9%) or sugary drinks to bed. Traditional hot chocolate and milky drinks remain popular but another sign of the times is the emergence of smoothies and fresh juices as nightcaps.

Said Jessica: "Our survey results provide a pretty accurate snapshot of our lives today. It also shows more than half of us (52%) regularly feel so tired at work that we would like to go home, with one in eight people feeling that way three or four times a week."

But some things about The Great British Bedtime don't change: the eponymous British 'Jim Jams' remain the most popular bedtime apparel with women (37%) outnumbering men (21%) in wearing them. Men are almost twice as likely as women (40% as opposed to 22%) to wear nothing at all. And a minority 1% of men questioned claim to wear a nightie!

The Great British Bedtime survey was conducted online by tickbox.net between February 27 and March 3 2008. 1,408 people took part.

-ends-

Note to Editors: Regional variations follow

REGIONAL VARIATIONS

- People in Scotland are more likely than any other (79% as opposed to 71% national average) to read a book or magazine in bed
- People in the North East and South East (both 49%, average 43%) watch most television in bed
- People in London (43%, average 28%) listen to the radio more than those in any other region
- People in East Anglia are the most likely (32%, average 26%) to make phone calls/ or send/receive texts messages
- People in the South East most (27%, average 22%) use the alarm facility on their Blackberry or mobile
- People in the North West are more likely than others (16%, average 10%) to listen to an MP3 player in bed
- People in Yorkshire use their Blackberry/laptop to send/receive emails more than those in other areas (14%, average 8%)
- People in Northern Ireland are by far the biggest group of people questioned to say prayers at bedtime (39%, national average 10%)
- People in Scotland are more likely than others (11%, average 7%) to go to bed after 1am on a workday evening
- People in Yorkshire are the most likely (5%, average 1%) to go to bed before 9pm on a workday evening
- People from the North East are more likely to drink a fresh juice at bedtime (9%, average 5%) while Smoothies are most drunk at bedtime among Londoners (10%, average 2%). Nearly a third of people in Northern Ireland (31%, average 22%) don't drink anything at all at bedtime
- Twice as many people in Northern Ireland as those in other areas (39%, average 20%) said they rarely went to bed at the same as their partners
- More people in Wales than anywhere else admit to always sleeping separately from their partners (13%, average 9%)
- People in East Anglia are more likely than others to sleep on a bed more than five years old (only 25% said they had a bed under that age, against an average of 32% of those questioned)
- People in the South East are more likely to have a bed containing pocket springs than those in other areas (38%, average 30%); those in the Midlands are more likely than any others (47%, average 39%) to sleep on a divan bed
- People in London are more likely than others to be either very tired at bedtime (48%, average 37%) while those in the North East are the most likely to say they are exhausted at bedtime (12%, average 9%)
- People in the North East and London (both 15%, average 13%) say that on three or four occasions each week they get so tired at work they would like to go home
- People in the South East are more likely than any others (36%, average 28%) to go to bed wearing nothing but a smile!

-ends-

The Sleep Council is a generic body that aims to:
• Raise awareness of the importance of a good night's sleep to health and wellbeing.
• Provide helpful advice and tips on how to improve sleep quality.
• Provide helpful advice on choosing the right bed for optimum sleeping comfort.
The Sleep Council is funded by the National Bed Federation, the trade association for British bed manufacturers.
The Sleep Council, High Corn Mill, Chapel Hill, Skipton, BD23 1NL
Tel: 01756 791089. Web. www.sleepcouncil.com

*Jingle* promotional image of the weeeek

It's a suitcase for putting all your sex toys in.



With, by the looks of it, a separate carrying case for two shower heads, and a couple of dusters for tidying up after yourself.

*Jingle* Most arousing promotional image of the weeeek

This photo also wins the Most Like It's Still The 1970s Promotional Image of the Weeeek award, along with the Idiot Toys Special Commendation for bravely still portraying women like objects in the year 2008.



The story behind this stunning photograph is sadly monumentally dull. It's a mobile phone company that did a survey about text message chat-up lines and "flirting" in cars. Whatever flirting is. This picture is the idea they had to illustrate it with. When Wired magazine or tomorrow's Observer runs with Talk2Reg's list of "best chat up lines" they can use this photo.

"ARE THOSE SPACE PANTS YOUR WEARING COZ YOUR ASS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD?"

Talk2Reg flirt survey reveals best and worst chat up lines

With Valentines Day just round the corner, many of us will be hoping to flirt our way into someone's affection. A survey carried out by Talk2Reg shows that we are not confined to flirting with work colleagues or people we meet in bars or clubs. According to the survey 61% of people have admitted to flirting with a stranger whilst in their car, whether it is a cheeky grin or smouldering look, UK flirters are shameless.

It's not just a pretty face that appeals to us when flirting, 54% of respondents said the car had an influence on whether they flirted or not. On top with 39% was, surprise surprise, sports cars, and cool convertibles with 26% of the vote. While 3% love a lorry driver - who said us flirters are shallow! The Talk2Reg flirt survey also found out that the sexiest car on the road roaring into pole position is Audis and Mercs, leaving three-wheel wonders and Skodas in their dust.

The survey also unleashed some of the best and worst chat lines, so this Valentines Day choose carefully...

Six of the best chat up lines

* You are like a compass, without you I am lost.
* Are you a parking ticket coz you got fine written all over you?
* Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
* Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again.
* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!
* Are those space pants your wearing coz your ass is out of this world?

Six of the worst....

* Here's 20p, ring your Mum and tell her you won't be home tonight.
* How do you like your eggs in the morning?
* I like your dress it would look great on my bedroom floor.
* Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
* Your dad must have been a thief, coz he stole the stars and put them in your eyes!
* If you were a burger you'd be a McGorgeous.

Notes to editors:

Talk2Reg surveyed over 600 UK flirters between the ages of 17-40.

Talk2Reg is the latest social network that allows you to communicate safely and securely with any vehicle driver in the UK simply by texting their number plate, Talk2Reg

*Jingle* Depressing promotional image of the weeeek

It's a bag with built-in speakers. The marketing director brought his old iPod in for the photoshoot. It is screaming misery. Just imagine the tinny nature of it all.



Here's the press release. It is also the Most Depressing Press Release of the Weeeeeeek.

"PERFECT FOR IMPROMPTU PARTIES OR CREATING THE PERFECT RETRO BACKDROP TO SHOW OFF YOUR BREAKDANCING MOVES"

"Just in at Freefalluk.com is the Boombox Bag – the ultimate carry all for music lovers. Styled like a retro Boom Box, it not only looks the part, but also sounds it. Just plug in an MP3 player and the inbuilt speakers will play your favorite tracks.

"Perfect for impromptu parties or creating the perfect retro backdrop to show off your breakdancing moves. Or more practically, a great way to get double duty out of your hand luggage on a plane – no need to save space in your suitcase for your speakers next time you go on holiday! Of course, you could also use it to annoy people on the bus or the local high street, but Freefall obviously wouldn't condone that course of action..."

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

It's a grandma getting given a pearl necklace:



"Alice Moulder, a resident of Worcester-based nursing home Henwick Grange, has celebrated her 100th birthday in style by achieving her lifelong wish of owning a string of cultured pearls. She was presented with the gift from Dawn Oliver, Head of the Private Client Department at leading Worcestershire and West Midlands law firm Harrison Clark LLP. Dawn acts as Alice's attorney handling all her private client matters and is delighted to be able to help Alice fulfil her dream of owning a pearl necklace."

Awesome. When we turn 100, hopefully Samsung will turn up with an LE52M87BD LCD TV. Can't wait.

*Jingle* Promotional image of next weeeek

We probably won't bother doing any updates next week, just so you know. So here's next week's promotional image of the week, this week, as an extra treat.

This one has been sitting in a folder on our computer since December of 2003, waiting for an appropriate use. Nothing appropriate has come along, so here it is 'as is':



We may have used it before, thinking about it. But here it is again.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

This is for Rioja wine. It seems to be saying that if you give a woman enough wine she will eventually collapse on you. Meaning you get to touch a woman. She may be about to vomit in your lap, but for a few short seconds it will be like having a girlfriend.

This is certainly a more realistic depiction of Christmas boozing than the boring old drink drive campaigns.



"Rioja wine... if she can't remember it, it didn't happen."

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

Yeah, that's right lads. You just sit there mucking about with photographers and authors and having your photographs taken. Those three children trapped on the upstairs floor will probably rescue themselves eventually.



Of course, firefighters do a very important job. Someone's got to stay up all night watching pornography.



We won't mention this.



Or this.



Or these.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

It's for a vacuum cleaner. That's the woman who designed the vacuum cleaner. She doesn't look too pleased about being made to pose with it, but it was presumably in the contract she signed so she's only got herself to blame for this mess.



It is an Electrolux Ultrasilencer. They should've used capital letters and called it the Electrolux ULTRASILENCER. That makes a big difference.

*Jingle* Promotional images of the weeeek

Yes, at only 5.02pm on Monday. Nell McAndrew is releasing a fitness DVD for Christmas and these are the celebratory photographs. This will not be bettered for at least seven days.





The only way this can be beaten is if Girls Aloud launch a ketchup bottle-shaking game for Wii.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

Describing yourself as "metrosexual" was only cool and clever for three days during the summer of 2002, and even then you'd consider yourself lucky for getting away with only punches to the body afterwards.



"Eggs... milk... bread for toast... lube..."

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeek

Some leathery old bird done up nice for Christmas.



This is to promote Ovenclean, a team of specialists that will come round and clean your oven for you. It's quite a boring job, although the perks - free cups of tea, the excitement of using someone else's toilet, getting to look through someone else's cupboards - make up for it.

THE PRESS RELEASE, WITH TWO SEPARATE HEADLINES

PUT THE SPARKLE INTO YOUR KITCHEN THIS CHRISTMAS

GIVE YOUR KITCHEN A SPARKLE THIS CHRISTMAS

Ovenclean, the UK's market leader in professional domestic oven cleaning, provides an eco-friendly and affordable solution for today's time-strapped households.

As the festive season approaches, so does the Christmas cooking marathon, with hours spent slaving away in the kitchen preparing food for family and friends.

To get ready for this onslaught, it's a good idea to make sure your oven is in tip-top shape.

A clean oven is not only more hygienic, it's also more efficient, but tackling this most-dreaded of domestic chores is something many of us put off for as long a possible.

That's because it's the most time-consuming kitchen appliance to clean and can be a nightmare job, involving spreading nasty toxic smells throughout the home.

And with all the seasonal preparations to take care of and the in-laws coming to stay, there's precious little time left to consider this much-neglected task.

So why not let the professionals at Ovenclean do the hard work and ensure your oven is ready to deal with the Christmas turkey and all the trimmings?

Operating nationwide, its teams of highly-trained, fully-insured technicians are on hand to make your oven shine like new, while you make the most of your precious free time.

In just two hours, all traces of grease, fat and burnt-on carbon deposits will be removed from your oven, restoring it to that showroom finish.

The company uses its own-brand, totally safe, non-caustic cleaning products and specialist equipment to ensure sparkling results every time.

Its cleaning process is environmentally-friendly and fume-free, leaving no residual odour or mess.

And the service is not limited to the deep-cleaning of ovens, Agas and ranges, Ovenclean can also transform your hob, extractor, microwave or even your barbecue into immaculate condition.

So if cleaning the oven is something you just can't face this Christmas, leave it to Ovenclean to put the sparkle back in your kitchen.

To book an appointment or for more information on Ovenclean's service, please call 0845 871 8000 or visit the website www.ovenclean.com.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeeek

This is to promote Divorce Online. A web site that gives loans to people so they can organise a nice divorce.



This man is so happy because he's just divorced his wife for a Korean thing-holder he tracked down via the internet, and he got to keep the only two CDs of hers that he liked.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

Courtesy of STMicroelectronics. It's to promote some sort of chip. A chip that brings people together.



Brilliant early-90s business design. The chip has literally just brought those two together. Hopefully that's her mum or older sister.



This one's also from STMicroelectronics. It looks like a funny robot spider. Thanks, STMicroelectronics. You are today's company of the day.




Just one more, then we'll leave STMicroelectronics alone, before this week turns into STMicroelectronics week. This one shows how its chips can be used in both business and leisure applications, and are easy enough even for women.